Brian Paulsen's Articles

1 total in August 2007

  • Every Beach Lifeguard Conversation Ever

    A guy and a girl lifeguard sit atop their high wooden chair.

    Guy: I’m particularly handsome this afternoon.
    Girl: And I’m particularly beautiful.
    Guy: Did you know I’m the star of the swim team? I have six all-county medals, one for each of my abs.
    Girl: Your sunblock-covered nose makes me want to tear off this red one-piece and ride you like a wave.
    Guy: All in good time.
    Girl: Want to take these kayaks out for a spin, to look impressive?
    Guy: When I’m done.
    Girl: Done doing what?
    Guy: Spinning this keychain around my finger exactly 314 times.
    Girl: I should yell at that huge Mexican family with the loud boombox, but I feel like it will affect my tan.
    Guy: Three kids were pulled into the riptide this morning while I was arranging the rescue floats around this chair.
    Girl: They’re so f***ing symmetrical. Let’s go down on each other later.
    Guy: I have the stamina of a mountain lion.
    Girl: Look like we’re paying attention on “three.” 1, 2, 3.

    Both lifeguards stand up, blow their whistles, and wave their arms arbitrarily.

    Guy: 312, 313… 314.
    Girl: Kayak time.

    View Article


    Like it? You Like it! (79) Comments (67)
    • Brian Paulsen Villanova

    About Me

    My three favorite meats are - in order - ham, beef, then pork.

    View profile
    Send a message

    Calendar

    Visit Our Partners

    next previous

    BFF

    Onion Sports has quickly become the nation's number-one site for hard-hitting sports news, stats, and information that isn't true. If you hadn't figured this out yet, what The Onion is to news, Onion Sports is to sports.