Brian Paulsen's Articles

3 total in March 2007

  • New Harvard Movement Dooms Mankind

    by Brian Paulsen March 23, 2007
    Mike Judge's latest flick, 'Idiocracy,' is the tale of an average guy who, through a series of mishaps, is transported to the distant future where he finds out he is the smartest man alive. How? It seems that the breeding habits of mankind have diluted the gene pool to such an extent that today's average dude is a genius relative to earth's future inhabitants. While intelligent people in today's society wait to have kids for reasons like career and financial stability, the average white trash hillbilly doesn't take such things into account every time he's sober enough to maintain an erection. Therefore, hundreds of years down the road, any inkling of intelligence has been bred out of our population and replaced by a culture devoted to base humor, cheap thrills and energy drinks.

    That is what makes Harvard's sexual temperance movement such a terrible idea. Harvard, we need your genes to be passed on. We need you to reproduce so we can reap the benefits of your fertile minds. Give in to your natural urges to interbreed and spawn bright, intelligent, creative children who will benefit society as a whole. This is a war, Harvard, a war on your way of life - and if you let this abstinence movement flourish you're doomed to lose. Please, for the good of mankind:F*CK EACH OTHER
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    See More: Harvard Sex Abstinence
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  • Bracket Tips

    by Brian Paulsen March 12, 2007
    • If you don't have a degree in Bracketology, don't even bother.
    • Pledge that in the future you will travel back to 2007 and give your past self a sports almanac.
    [upload:984112:small:right: A sample bracket for the random noun tournament]
    • The more money it costs to enter a pool, the better your chances of winning? Right?
    • Be careful. If you've got the Blue Barracudas vs. the Purple Parrots in the finals, you're going in on a Legends of the Hidden Temple pool. If you've got Ashley I vs. Sam C,  you have entered an America's Hottest College Girl pool. If you're wet, you have entered an actual pool.
    • Remember to pick the teams that will win. Year after year, people make the mistake of picking the teams that lose.
    • Fill out your bracket as quickly as possible. I don't care if you have two high schools in the Final Four. GO GO GO!
    • One strategy is to pick based on which mascot would win in a fight.  If you don't know, stage an actual fight.  Next up:  Irish guy vs. alligator in the Midwest Final.
    • Remember: it’s the Sweet Sixteen, so pick teams that sound like delicious fruits. (Example: Belmont = Banana, Albany = Apple, Oral Roberts: Orange Guava. Etc. etc. etc.)
    • Keep in mind that Syracuse, wait... I don't see Syracuse. Better double check.
    • Texas A&M is actually one team. You have A going to the Elite Eight and M going to the Final Four for some reason.
    • You have a better chance of winning if you just let your girlfriend pick at random. This is especially true if you're dating ESPN Bracketlogist Joe Lunardi, you lucky prick.
    • If you're stuck, remember that first team alphabetically wins almost 53% of the time. Work those odds!
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    See More: March Madness Legends Of The Hidden Temple
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  • A Rookie Hentai Writer Pitches His Story Idea To A Senior Editor

    by Brian Paulsen March 06, 2007
    Takeiro – OK, so who’s got something for me?

    Yamamoto – Well, I had an idea, but it’s not that good…

    Takeiro – NONSENSE! Let me hear it, young man.

    [upload:970229:small:left:A rough mockup]Yamamoto – Well, it’s the story of a school girl with green hair – she looks like she's 14, but don't worry she's really 18 *winks*. She’s a virgin, she’s got no pubic hair, and she’s in love with an elderly squid-genie.

    Takeiro – I’m listening…

    Yamamoto – Anyway, she’s in love with the Squid Genie, Nanako. But while masturbating quietly in a hot tub, a gang of crab demons emerge from the drain and they rape her.

    Takeiro - Naturally.

    Yamamoto – Right. Well, after the crab demons are done with her, the Demon King comes and lays his eggs inside of her body.

    Takeiro – OK, OK, and...?
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    See More: Hentai Japanese Fetish Animation Conversation
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Brian Paulsen Villanova

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My three favorite meats are - in order - ham, beef, then pork.

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