CollegeHumor: User 336's Articles

Every Beach Lifeguard Conversation Ever

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 12:17:55 -0400

A guy and a girl lifeguard sit atop their high wooden chair.

Guy: I’m particularly handsome this afternoon.
Girl: And I’m particularly beautiful.
Guy: Did you know I’m the star of the swim team? I have six all-county medals, one for each of my abs.
Girl: Your sunblock-covered nose makes me want to tear off this red one-piece and ride you like a wave.
Guy: All in good time.
Girl: Want to take these kayaks out for a spin, to look impressive?
Guy: When I’m done.
Girl: Done doing what?
Guy: Spinning this keychain around my finger exactly 314 times.
Girl: I should yell at that huge Mexican family with the loud boombox, but I feel like it will affect my tan.
Guy: Three kids were pulled into the riptide this morning while I was arranging the rescue floats around this chair.
Girl: They’re so f***ing symmetrical. Let’s go down on each other later.
Guy: I have the stamina of a mountain lion.
Girl: Look like we’re paying attention on “three.” 1, 2, 3.

Both lifeguards stand up, blow their whistles, and wave their arms arbitrarily.

Guy: 312, 313… 314.
Girl: Kayak time.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:336"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/c/collegehumor.f6b6f1e9bea33116bf7d252ce8aaf1ba.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:336">Brian Paulsen</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:565"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 81 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

CollegeHumor Campus Reps

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 17:58:53 -0400

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We're looking for real dedicated CollegeHumor fans to spend even MORE of their time thinking about CollegeHumor. As if we haven't already enriched your life enough. Now, thanks to us, you can become even more involved by giving out totally free College Humor SWAG, promoting CH at campus events, increasing your schools uploads onto CollegeHumor.

This is a win-win situation here. Free stuff for you and your friends, lots of cool promotion for us. Literally, no one loses. Let's get started!

If you want to become a campus rep, go to www.CollegeHumor.com/CampusReps or simply click this text.� The deadline to sign up is July 15, so get a move on.�

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Keep It Clean Winner

Thu, 03 May 2007 14:11:46 -0400

Way to vote, America. There were a lot of great pictures and you picked the best one. That's right: You. You made a difference, Ben Smith. If you're reading this, you made a difference. Here's the best Double Entendre:

And now it's time to vote for the final Category: POTPOURRI

[upload:1291983:large:center:click to vote]

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Keep It Clean Winner

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 14:22:03 -0400

Hey guys, remember last week when I told you to vote? Well some of you did. Some of you (Eric) are d-bags and didn't vote for anything. Whatever man, the contest still did pretty damn well. No thanks to you. (Eric.)

This is who won:

�

[upload:1251445:small:center:Nature]

[upload:1251449:small:center:Architecture]

Anyway, there's a new round up right now. So it's time to vote for:

�

[upload:1251541:large:center:Double Entendre]

Don't forget to vote. You know you are.

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Keep It Clean

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 11:11:30 -0400

Hey guys, are you aware of what a tremendous product Old Spice is? We love it. We love it so much, in fact, that we're doing an ad campaign for them completely free of charge. Okay, maybe they're paying us- but this is how advertising works. Lucky for you, we're not greedy enough to keep all the money for ourselves.

Hence, the Keep It Clean competition, where users have submitted pictures that look dirty, but aren't. We got a lot of great submissions and now it's time to vote. There's $10,000 in cash and prizes up for grabs, and it's up to you to decide who it goes to. The first two categories are:

Nature

[upload:1218894:large:center:click to vote]
Architecture
[upload:1218897:large:center:click to vote]

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The Order I Would Do The Golden Girls In, If I Had To

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 14:50:48 -0400

#1 Rose – Rose is the only Golden Girl I’d poke even without a gun pointed at my head. I wouldn’t hit on her at a bar, but if I was sitting by myself watching VH1 and her car broke down outside, yes, I would try to turn it into a Dear Penthouse Forum. Sometimes it’s tricky getting a classy broad like this to spread, but a little wine *accidentally* mixed with purple Nyquil and you’ll be the one who is golden. As the only choice who looks like she could still get slippery, Rose is a lock for #1.

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New Harvard Movement Dooms Mankind

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 10:09:35 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Mike Judge's latest flick, 'Idiocracy,' is the tale of an average guy who, through a series of mishaps, is transported to the distant future where he finds out he is the smartest man alive. How? It seems that the breeding habits of mankind have diluted the gene pool to such an extent that today's average dude is a genius relative to earth's future inhabitants. While intelligent people in today's society wait to have kids for reasons like career and financial stability, the average white trash hillbilly doesn't take such things into account every time he's sober enough to maintain an erection. Therefore, hundreds of years down the road, any inkling of intelligence has been bred out of our population and replaced by a culture devoted to base humor, cheap thrills and energy drinks.

That is what makes Harvard's sexual temperance movement such a terrible idea. Harvard, we need your genes to be passed on. We need you to reproduce so we can reap the benefits of your fertile minds. Give in to your natural urges to interbreed and spawn bright, intelligent, creative children who will benefit society as a whole. This is a war, Harvard, a war on your way of life - and if you let this abstinence movement flourish you're doomed to lose. Please, for the good of mankind:F*CK EACH OTHER

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Bracket Tips

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 15:34:58 -0400

If you don't have a degree in Bracketology, don't even bother.

Pledge that in the future you will travel back to 2007 and give your past self a sports almanac.

[upload:984112:small:right: A sample bracket for the random noun tournament]

The more money it costs to enter a pool, the better your chances of winning? Right?
Be careful. If you've got the Blue Barracudas vs. the Purple Parrots in the finals, you're going in on a Legends of the Hidden Temple pool. If you've got Ashley I vs. Sam C,� you have entered an America's Hottest College Girl pool. If you're wet, you have entered an actual pool.
Remember to pick the teams that will win. Year after year, people make the mistake of picking the teams that lose.
Fill out your bracket as quickly as possible. I don't care if you have two high schools in the Final Four. GO GO GO!
One strategy is to pick based on which mascot would win in a fight.� If you don't know, stage an actual fight.� Next up:� Irish guy vs. alligator in the Midwest Final.
Remember: it’s the Sweet Sixteen, so pick teams that sound like delicious fruits. (Example: Belmont = Banana, Albany = Apple, Oral Roberts: Orange Guava. Etc. etc. etc.)
Keep in mind that Syracuse, wait... I don't see Syracuse. Better double check.
Texas A&M is actually one team. You have A going to the Elite Eight and M going to the Final Four for some reason.
You have a better chance of winning if you just let your girlfriend pick at random. This is especially true if you're dating ESPN Bracketlogist Joe Lunardi, you lucky prick.
If you're stuck, remember that first team alphabetically wins almost 53% of the time. Work those odds!

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A Rookie Hentai Writer Pitches His Story Idea To A Senior Editor

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 16:56:18 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Takeiro – OK, so who’s got something for me?

Yamamoto – Well, I had an idea, but it’s not that good…

Takeiro – NONSENSE! Let me hear it, young man.

[upload:970229:small:left:A rough mockup]Yamamoto – Well, it’s the story of a school girl with green hair – she looks like she's 14, but don't worry she's really 18 *winks*. She’s a virgin, she’s got no pubic hair, and she’s in love with an elderly squid-genie.

Takeiro – I’m listening…

Yamamoto – Anyway, she’s in love with the Squid Genie, Nanako. But while masturbating quietly in a hot tub, a gang of crab demons emerge from the drain and they rape her.

Takeiro - Naturally.

Yamamoto – Right. Well, after the crab demons are done with her, the Demon King comes and lays his eggs inside of her body.

Takeiro – OK, OK, and...?

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What Are People Giving Up For Lent?

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 14:43:55 -0500

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Who:
Eddie Murphy

Is Giving Up:
Good movies


Who: Britney Spears	Is Giving Up: Her status as a sex symbol


Who: NBC	Is Giving Up: Studio 60


Who: Mario	Is Giving Up: Fire flowers

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Goddammit Britney...

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 22:57:10 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Britney shaved her head. Everyone pretty much agrees it looks awful, but the real questions is...

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Anna Nicole Smith, Dead At 39

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 19:28:00 -0500

So long, Anna. It's been...well...strange.
Full Story Here

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Life Lessons From An Experienced Man, Part 4: High Society Parties

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 14:54:21 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Well, look at you. You’re a dashing young go-getter, a charmer, a success through-and-through. And all thanks to Yours Truly! That means “me,” you uncultured primate. Well, whether or not you’ve learned anything from this series, it’s time to talk parties – and no, not the sweaty vomit-paloozas with which you are familiar. How should you behave at a real high society event?

1. Ordering Complicated Alcoholic Beverages. The longer and more complicated the name of the drink you order, the more likely a woman is to overhear and go into heat. The best technique is to think of all the bartending terminology you’ve ever heard and combine it into one sentence. For added effect, add complete nonsense. For example: “I’d like a dirty Kamikaze Sidecar Flirtini, extra dark & stormy sex shooters, water-back, keep it neat between the sheets, and a half-polished Juan-Carlo pooter scooter McGuffy on the rocks.”

2. Acceptable vs. Unacceptable Conversation Topics. Acceptable topics include: Yachts, yachting, house additions, additional houses, jewelry, polo, sweaters, Polo sweaters, cats, cars. Unacceptable topics include: Any semblance of dislike for any of the aforementioned conversation topics, sincere feelings, manual labor, homosexuality, Slim Jims. And speaking of Jims, it goes without saying that discussion of “According To Jim” is unacceptable no matter where you are.

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If Weather.com Were Programmed By Your Roommate Who Just Got Back From Class

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 16:48:20 -0500

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Life Lessons From An Experienced Man, Part 3: Your Career

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 13:22:54 -0500

Getting a job is one thing, turning that job into a career is another. But just because they’re cutting down your hours at Blockbuster doesn’t mean you can’t excel in the real world. There are literally only four rungs on the corporate ladder. Unfortunately the rungs of the ladder are dangerously slippery with the blood, sweat and tears of many unworthy men before you.

Step One: Be punctual. Let’s say you work a 9-5 with a one hour lunch break. Show up at 8:58 every morning, leave at 5:01. Lunch can be done in 42 minutes. This allots an extra 21 minutes you can use to impress your boss. Impressive examples include: Brewing his coffee, and making your desktop background a picture of his family.

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Life Lessons From An Experienced Man, Part 2: Personal Hygiene

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 15:10:39 -0500

Why hello again, my eager young squires. I saw you sitting there – your mind impressionable, your eyes wide with innocence – and decided to take it upon myself to dispense more liquid knowledge from my brain-spigot. Now, we all know that a sparkling body is the first step towards success. Do you think Napoleon conquered half of Europe without taking a shower? You’re right, but that was a different time. Lend me your waxy ears and heed my advice.

1. Hair Maintenance. First and foremost, avoid the unibrow. Nothing good ever came from the prefix “uni.” Don’t believe me? Imagine the Unibomber in a unitard. The opposite goes for goatees and mustaches – if you can’t grow them completely, spare yourself the embarrassment. Would you try to drive a Porsche on three wheels? Of course you wouldn’t – unlike me, you don’t have a Porsche.

2. Body Maintenance. Have you ever walked by a person on the street or in a hallway, and then you’re left with their abhorrent stench for the next five seconds? No? Then that person is you. Deodorant and baby wipes may hide the issue in the merky depths of deception, but the truth will swim to the surface, like a righteous crusading walrus. Youth, bathe thyself. Use as many pre- and post-shower chemicals as possible. And don’t forget those hard-to-reach places, like the spaces between your toes and your self-respect.

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Life Lessons From An Experienced Man, Part 1: Wooing Women

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 14:37:08 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Greetings! I’m here to help you win the heart of the object of your desire. No? The Belle of the Ball. Really? No? Fine, the hottest broad with the most amazing rack. Think of me as your cool uncle, only way better looking, not living in your grandparents’ basement and without the red Camaro. Mine’s blue. Just kidding. I drive a boat. Stepping up your game is easy – just follow these 4 steps:
�
1. Don’t Dance Like A Buffoon. Better yet, just don’t dance at all. You’re not all that good. Are you familiar with the move you do, where you clench your fists and kind of thrust your pelvis all about? Precisely. Refrain from that. However, with certain songs, fist-pumping is unavoidable. One example is "Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Another is "I've Got The World on a String."

2. Bring A Companion. Some people call these men “Wing-Men,” but that’s not really your chum’s purpose right now. His only objective is to make you look good. So go out there and find your greasiest, slouchiest, most hobgoblin look-alike friend, and bring him with you. By comparison, you are now the most attractive person around. Later on, you can tell an attractive female that you do community service work with the underprivileged as you gesture to your grunting comrade.

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Deck The Gals

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 11:40:03 -0500

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This is the moment you've been waiting for gentleman. We've narrowed it down to five, now you pick the winner of $100 and the title of Ms. Deck The Gals 2006.

Thanks to all the classy broads who entered!

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Be Honest...

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 14:05:28 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> When did you lose it? And by 'it' I mean your innocence.

CollegeHumor 2007 Virginity Survey

Age you lost your virginity:
Did you use a condom the first time?
# of time you have sex per month?
In a relationship currently?
State:
Religion:
Major:
GPA:

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This One's For Blindies

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 11:03:14 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The goverment mandates that every month CollegeHumor write an update for the deaf, the blind, or girls. Here you go. Whatever.

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