Ryan Kraemer's Articles

3 total in August 2007

  • My Rejected Snapple 'Real Facts'

    by Ryan Kraemer August 21, 2007
    Do you love Snapple? So do I. It is a dream of mine to one day write ‘Real Facts’ for Snapple caps. All my attempts up to now have failed due to what Snapple refers to as ‘factual errors’, whatever that means. However, here are some of my favorite rejected attempts. (This list is best enjoyed with a delicious Apple Snapple.)
    • The original man purse was actually designed and adorned by purse designer Becky Mann. The misunderstanding that followed was purely accidental.
    • Nike’s ‘Just do it’ slogan was decided upon after the previous suggested slogan ‘maybe, if you have some free time later, you could’ was rejected for being ‘too pansy assed’.
    • Theater is slowly losing its reputation as a sport for the gays.
    • Neither one of us is actually rubber or glue.
    • English stole Science’s high school girlfriend. Science retaliated by not following English’s stupid i before e except after c rule.
    • Washington was the only president elected unanimously, receiving all 69 of the electoral votes cast. His response, “Booyah”, has been a large part of owning ever since.
    • The Hoover Dam is America’s middle finger to the beaver. Ha, finger to the beaver.
    • Owning a hatchback vehicle is a successful form of abstinence.
    • The cooler is constantly trying to reach the level of coolest.
    • When worn by a midget a mini-skirt is acceptably referred to as just a skirt.
    Those were some tasty ‘Real Facts’.
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  • Netflix Arrives

    by Ryan Kraemer August 17, 2007


    (James returns from the mailbox and tosses three Netflix envelopes onto the coffee table)


    James: Hey dude, your new Netflix movies came in the mail today


    Chase: Oh did they, alright, cool. Well I will just toss these in my room, thanks man.

    James: Wait, what movies are they? Maybe we could watch one.



    Brad: Yea, we could like make up a drinking game for it too. Like that time we watched Office Space and we drank every time we wanted to bang Jennifer Aniston.



    Chase: Oh, I don’t even remember, probably nothing good. I’m just going to put them away in my room now.



    Brad: Dude, what’s your problem. Just let us see what you got.



    Chase: Alright, but seriously I don’t even know what these ones are. Emily was like messing with my list the other day so she might have put something gay in there.


    (Brad opens the first envelope)
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  • Student Organizations

    by Ryan Kraemer August 12, 2007

    School is right around the corner, which student organization will you be joining?

    Student Government Association (SGA):
    Selling Point: Motion to really change things around here, all in favor give me a hell yeah! Opposed? Abstentions? Motion fails.
    What you do: Meet weekly to handle some of the tough decisions the administration leaves in the hands of the students. Such as where to put new bike racks! You’re the people’s voice; the voice they would rather not use. Very nasally.
    Overheard: “My opponent is weak on vandalism and if he is to win this election believe me when I say there will be another stolen statue.”
    Did you know?
    The SGA is run much like the American government in that almost everybody in it hates each other.
    Debate Society:
    Selling Point: It’s like practice if you want to be a lawyer. Or a pompous asshole. Slacks vs. Khakis!
    What you do: Play dress up and debate important world issues. Eventually you realize we will never solve any of the world’s problems and become soulless. You are now ready for law school!
    Overheard: “Oh, very original. No, no I’ve heard it before. Yes, it sounds like masturbator, I get it.”
    Did you know?
    The most popular form of collegiate debate is Lincoln-Douglas Debate, more commonly referred to as Lincoln-some dude debate.
    Science Club:
    Selling Point: Making a tornado inside two 2 liter coke bottles never gets old.
    What you do: Trade interesting science facts with friends and end every sentence with ‘cool, huh’.
    Overheard: “Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m. Cool, huh.”
    Did you know?
    English stole Science’s high school girlfriend. Science retaliated by not following English’s stupid i before e except after c rule.
    Theater Club:
    Selling Point: You’ve been pretending that you’re someone you’re not your whole life; some people call it insecure, we call it talent.
    What you do: Play make believe.
    Overheard: “How am I supposed to be taken seriously with my eye-liner smeared like that?”
    Did you know?
    Theater is slowly loosing its reputation as being a sport for the gays.
    Sports Team Support Club:
    Selling Point: For those who don’t want to join a legitimate club.
    What you do: Buy a $10 T-shirt and represent your team the only way you know how, by yelling at cameramen while waiving your foam finger.
    Overheard: “Dude, I totally made it on ESPN. Look, right there, row five eighth over from the left. So sweet.”
    Did you know?
    The celebratory high five is the cause of 56,000 spilled beers, 24,500 elbowed foreheads and 200,000 sore palms annually.
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Ryan Kraemer was born an unwanted child. His mother left him in the rain...

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