CollegeHumor: User 337's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739022 My Rejected Snapple 'Real Facts' Tue, 21 Aug 2007 17:10:27 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739022 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Do you love Snapple? So do I. It is a dream of mine to one day write ‘Real Facts’ for Snapple caps. All my attempts up to now have failed due to what Snapple refers to as ‘factual errors’, whatever that means. However, here are some of my favorite rejected attempts. (This list is best enjoyed with a delicious Apple Snapple.)
  • The original man purse was actually designed and adorned by purse designer Becky Mann. The misunderstanding that followed was purely accidental.
  • Nike’s ‘Just do it’ slogan was decided upon after the previous suggested slogan ‘maybe, if you have some free time later, you could’ was rejected for being ‘too pansy assed’.
  • Theater is slowly losing its reputation as a sport for the gays.
  • Neither one of us is actually rubber or glue.
  • English stole Science’s high school girlfriend. Science retaliated by not following English’s stupid i before e except after c rule.
  • Washington was the only president elected unanimously, receiving all 69 of the electoral votes cast. His response, “Booyah”, has been a large part of owning ever since.
  • The Hoover Dam is America’s middle finger to the beaver. Ha, finger to the beaver.
  • Owning a hatchback vehicle is a successful form of abstinence.
  • The cooler is constantly trying to reach the level of coolest.
  • When worn by a midget a mini-skirt is acceptably referred to as just a skirt.
Those were some tasty ‘Real Facts’.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-21 17:10:27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738766 Netflix Arrives Fri, 17 Aug 2007 17:49:35 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738766 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

(James returns from the mailbox and tosses three Netflix envelopes onto the coffee table)


James: Hey dude, your new Netflix movies came in the mail today


Chase: Oh did they, alright, cool. Well I will just toss these in my room, thanks man.

James: Wait, what movies are they? Maybe we could watch one.



Brad: Yea, we could like make up a drinking game for it too. Like that time we watched Office Space and we drank every time we wanted to bang Jennifer Aniston.



Chase: Oh, I don’t even remember, probably nothing good. I’m just going to put them away in my room now.



Brad: Dude, what’s your problem. Just let us see what you got.



Chase: Alright, but seriously I don’t even know what these ones are. Emily was like messing with my list the other day so she might have put something gay in there.


(Brad opens the first envelope)
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-17 17:49:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738358 Student Organizations Sun, 12 Aug 2007 18:46:22 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738358 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> School is right around the corner, which student organization will you be joining?

Student Government Association (SGA):
Selling Point: Motion to really change things around here, all in favor give me a hell yeah! Opposed? Abstentions? Motion fails.
What you do: Meet weekly to handle some of the tough decisions the administration leaves in the hands of the students. Such as where to put new bike racks! You’re the people’s voice; the voice they would rather not use. Very nasally.
Overheard: “My opponent is weak on vandalism and if he is to win this election believe me when I say there will be another stolen statue.”
Did you know?
The SGA is run much like the American government in that almost everybody in it hates each other.
Debate Society:
Selling Point: It’s like practice if you want to be a lawyer. Or a pompous asshole. Slacks vs. Khakis!
What you do: Play dress up and debate important world issues. Eventually you realize we will never solve any of the world’s problems and become soulless. You are now ready for law school!
Overheard: “Oh, very original. No, no I’ve heard it before. Yes, it sounds like masturbator, I get it.”
Did you know?
The most popular form of collegiate debate is Lincoln-Douglas Debate, more commonly referred to as Lincoln-some dude debate.
Science Club:
Selling Point: Making a tornado inside two 2 liter coke bottles never gets old.
What you do: Trade interesting science facts with friends and end every sentence with ‘cool, huh’.
Overheard: “Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m. Cool, huh.”
Did you know?
English stole Science’s high school girlfriend. Science retaliated by not following English’s stupid i before e except after c rule.
Theater Club:
Selling Point: You’ve been pretending that you’re someone you’re not your whole life; some people call it insecure, we call it talent.
What you do: Play make believe.
Overheard: “How am I supposed to be taken seriously with my eye-liner smeared like that?”
Did you know?
Theater is slowly loosing its reputation as being a sport for the gays.
Sports Team Support Club:
Selling Point: For those who don’t want to join a legitimate club.
What you do: Buy a $10 T-shirt and represent your team the only way you know how, by yelling at cameramen while waiving your foam finger.
Overheard: “Dude, I totally made it on ESPN. Look, right there, row five eighth over from the left. So sweet.”
Did you know?
The celebratory high five is the cause of 56,000 spilled beers, 24,500 elbowed foreheads and 200,000 sore palms annually.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-12 18:46:22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733258 A Letter of Complaint to Verizon Wireless Thu, 07 Jun 2007 20:53:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733258 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Denny Strigl; President & CEO of Verizon Wireless,
 
I recently switched my service from AT&T Wireless over to Verizon and have been less than pleased with the service. I must admit the free phone was nice and it gets great reception, and I can’t complain about the money I am saving, but the Network is a little much.
            Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking? Why would I want or need so many people for a stupid fucking cell phone. I have cable: I have a cable man. He lives his own life and when I need him I call him over. Do you understand how that works, you know, the whole not creepy part?
            I can’t go anywhere anymore unless they have a group discount which means I have spent the last four weekends at the Zoo. Do you know how boring Zoos are? Watching the monkeys masturbate was only funny for the first week. Okay, first two weeks, but it does get old.
            My girlfriend wants to go out someplace nice but it might surprise you to know that your Network is making that impossible. Imagine that, no place in town accepts reservations for 2,002. If my sex life suffers just know that so will you.
            And you owe me money. My house is trashed because none of them ever remember to take off their boots when walking on the carpet and just yesterday I caught one of them eating some Ben & Jerry’s out of my freezer. Cherry Garcia, my favorite flavor.
            Lastly, can somebody please explain to me why they are all wearing helmets? What’s so dangerous about following me around that would require helmets? You need to send me a fucking helmet.
            I am confident, judging by the success of your company, that you will make things right.
 
Your angry customer,
 
Ryan Kraemer
 
P.S. The Verizon guy is actually very nice. You don’t let his personality show in your commercials. He says I am the only person who truly hears him.
 
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-07 20:53:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732603 Sober Me has a Sit Down Talk with Drunk Me Thu, 31 May 2007 21:39:15 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732603 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> (Drunk me stumbles into an upstairs bedroom where sober me is waiting)
DM: Hey, you’re not Kasey.

SM: It’s Katie actually, but yea, I asked her to tell you to meet her upstairs because I couldn’t get you up here otherwise. Listen, we need to talk.

DM: Talk, man? There is a freakin sweet party downstairs. Don’t say anything but I think I am supposed to be meeting up with that Kelly chick later, she totally wants to (DM performs a couple hip thrusts) You KNOW!!! (DM goes for the high five but is left hanging; he looks incredibly hurt)

SM: No, Katie is not interested, it’s only me. Look man, every time you go out in public you end up doing a couple of things that make me look bad. It’s like everything positive I do you reciprocate with a negative.

DM: Whater you talkin ‘bout man?

SM: Like with Katie. We had a nice night going out to dinner and a movie last Wednesday but then on Friday you called her a bitch for taking your keys and almost ruined everything.

DM: Yea, but you apologized for that. Tell the bitch to chill yo, like, I was drunk.

SM: Exactly! I apologized. And don’t tell her to chill because you were drunk. You are always drunk!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-31 21:39:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 62 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726887 Freshman Checklist Wed, 11 Apr 2007 18:50:04 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726887 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The end of the year is approaching soon and freshman all over the world are feeling accomplished at successfully taking on college life. However, I felt the need to compile a checklist of things that must be successful completed before the end of the year and you are granted any bragging rights. Below are two separate lists, one for guys and one for the ladies:
 
Guys:
 
__ Lose that virginity, I mean seriously. Non-virgins can spot a virgin from a poorly told sex story away and your insistence on lying about hook ups is not only awkward but creepy too. Amanda says it never happened.
 
__ Stop wearing a swimsuit to take a shower in the community bathroom. Be a man and embrace your inadequacies.
 
__ Dump the high school girlfriend. Mainly because she is still in high school loser.
 
__ Chug beer every method imaginable. Beer bong, shotgun, keg stand etc. However, don’t act like you can drink/chug more than you really can. Secretly pouring our beer to impress your friends is an offense punishable by death.
 
__ Quit quoting every popular movie in every conversation. It is annoying as piss. I saw the movie too asshole and it was way better when Will Farrell said it.
 
__ Obtain a poorly made fake ID and when you have it taken by a bouncer offer to arm wrestle him for it back.
 
__ Visit at least two other colleges and party like you’re never going to see these people again, because you’re most likely not.
 
__ Stop trying to have a deep philosophical conversation every time you get stoned. I don’t care what you say, smoking pot does make you dumber momentarily, but that’s a good thing. Enjoy the break from intelligence; talk and laugh about stupid shit that you would never find funny sober. May I recommend a website?
 
__ Date around. Nothing can ruin your freshman year quicker than finding a girlfriend at the beginning of the year and ending the year with the same girlfriend. Remember, freshman girlfriends have expiration dates like the rotten milk in your dorm fridge and if kept too long they will spoil. Your fun that is.
 
Girls:
 
__ Make out with other girls…please.
 
            Well, it looks like all freshmen have their work cut out for them, so get out there and complete your list. Feel free to offer up other challenges below.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-11 18:50:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725543 A Realtor Shows a Fraternity House Mon, 02 Apr 2007 21:40:52 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1725543 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Well here we are; the current Phi Omega Sigma house. As you know, they're being asked to vacate the house immediately. Right, following the three pledge deaths in March. But, the speedy eviction of these tennants means you'll pay much less than the house is worth, so hey, that's good news for you. Oh by the way, You understand we couldn’t get everybody who lives here to leave during the viewing, right?
Come on in here with me into the foyer. Oh yay, we are here just in time to witness one of the house’s oldest traditions. These fifteen young men you see standing here in their boxers passing a raw egg to each other mouth to mouth are called pledges. What a joyful prospect it is to think that you can live in a residence so rich with history! Let's low five.
 
Ah, this is the living room. I know what you're thinking; and yes, these eight vinyl couches DO come with the residence. Smell? I don't notice anything. Hmm, I have a cold, I'm sure it's fine. Nothing a little scrubbing in between the cracks on these soft wood floor won't fix.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-02 21:40:52 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1712188 John Madden and Al Michaels Commentate While You Lose Your Virginity Sat, 06 Jan 2007 03:31:24 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1712188 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Madden: Well what we have here is obviously a mismatch. On one side we have this young kid whose experience doesn’t extend past trying to hit bathroom ceiling tiles while his opponent has been dominating the game for years. He is going to have to play some good defense if he wants to keep her offense contained, or else we might be seeing a forfeit early in the first half.

Michaels: I see what you’re saying John, but I don’t think you are giving this kid enough credit. He has been on a steady training program practicing up to five times a day. He has been mentally and physically preparing himself for this day his entire life. As for his opponent, she has been relaxed on her training program and focusing solely on each game leaving a big hole where her tight defense use to dominate. If he can focus on finding that hole without a lot of contact he might be able to, who knows, score a few times.

Madden: Well, here’s what’s going to happen. The person who came to play today with the most stamina is going to outlast the other person because stamina is the measure of how long you can last.

Michaels: Great insight, John.

Madden: And here’s the kickoff. She sends the condom to him from out of her dresser drawer…and he fumbles it!

Michaels: He recovers it however and he has the wrapper open and the condom on quickly. He isn’t going to throw this game away that quickly.

Madden: Boom! Penetration, there is the first point of contact. Watch this replay of his face the first moment he realizes he is no longer a virgin. He’s been hit so hard he doesn’t know where he is at.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-06 03:31:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 190 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706673 College Humor Political Analysis Sat, 11 Nov 2006 19:17:21 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706673 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> So does anyone notice everyone has a sign in their yard with a name on it but you? What the hell is that all about and what is 'voting'? Well, I looked into it and found out that there are people called politicians that pretty much control our country and we can actually pick them. I know what you're thinking, how can anyone expect you to care about these politicians that care so little about you. Well I will make it simple, I have done some research in order to inform you of everything you need to know about politics.

First, let's go over political parties. At first I was like, hell yea I love parties. I had a sweet new button down that I had been waiting to rock. Instead, I found that these political parties are just large groups of people that share political beliefs. You and I can even be part of these parties. Watch, it's easy. Do you feel like a woman should have control over her body? Congratulations you huge vagina, you're a Democrat A.K.A liberal and terrorist. How about this one; do you feel like 'under God' should be left in the Pledge of Allegiance? If so, you're a Republican. See also conservative and racist. There are also people that call themselves moderates. Don't be fooled, this is just a fancy word for 'I don't know what I am talking about'.

Now that you know what side of the fence you're on, what's next? Well it all matters what party you decide to attend.

If you found out above that you are a Democrat you should also look into becoming a vegetarian, driving a hybrid and making out with dudes. That is, if you're a dude. Girls, get your friends together for a day at the liberal spa, or as those asshole Republicans call it, abortion clinic.

Republicans, in order to truly express how conservative you really are start basing every decision on money, tell everyone your decisions are based on the Bible and make fun of Michael J. Fox.

Alright, well that is it for now. Get out there and firmly establish yourself in your political party and join me next time when I help you find 'fair and balanced' news sources.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-11 19:17:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706673">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1675770 Your Beer Pong Partner Mon, 03 Apr 2006 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1675770 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Good friend, bad beer pong player - "Yea dude, me and Kraemer will take on anybody here!" I say to myself"¦Shit! He is a good friend, to turn him down would crush his beer pong ego and not be good for our friendship that we have. I have to go with him and challenge the two guys that have been holding down the table the whole night, even if that means I am drinking all the beer and calling the our opponents "king of the table that is known as pong." I play a game and make five shots. He makes one. This is now his claim to fame. His one shot was miraculous, game changing and worthy of kings. He pours all his beers into one cup and disperses into the party.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-04-03 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1671561 The Genius of Emo Fri, 17 Mar 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1671561 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The close up, off centered, depressed faced picture - Most people will see this and say ummmmm"¦douchbag and daddy issues. I say genius. What way to better show your true soul, all your emotions, in a millisecond of time other then from a little up and to the left. No eye contact though, makes you vulnerable. You're always so damn vulnerable and never understood. I know. I know. I understand though, and I am here to help others understand as well. Soon people will know how to look through the gaping hole in your ear and straight to your heart.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/3/collegehumor.eb40651ef1a233967185fd33a3b9621e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-03-17 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:337">Ryan Kraemer</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:489"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />