CollegeHumor: User 351's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776676 Subway Justice Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776676 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I hope no one noticed me taking this picture.

I saw this on the subway the other day.


New Yorkers will tell you that subway graffiti is not uncommon, in particlar on the subway. Even in more particular is the practice of drawing a penis next to someone's mouth. My pal Nasry even has a joke about how he is afraid to have his own TV show because it will inevitably lead to penises being drawn next to his face. (So far so good!) 


But in this case I have to take exception. This girl doesn't deserve this. I could understand if it was some skanky Bravo reality show about cutting hair or real housewives or "The Cougar"* which seem to fill the subway. Those ads cry out for penis drawings. This is a young lady trying to better herself by getting an education. She's stuck with a shitty sounding book too: Fields of Reading. If reading Catcher in the Rye is the equivalent of finding a million dollars in a suitcase, Fields of Reading sounds like the equivalent of well... having a dick drawn on your face.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-05 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 21 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750544 Online Dating Mad-Lib Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:52:58 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750544 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

As a veteran of online dating I know the secret of finding success: play the numbers. The more girls you reach out to, the greater the odds that you are going to meet that special someone.

But who has time to read all those profiles? I'll tell you who, a guy named Notme McSomeoneelseington.

So I have prepared the following generic letter. However because these women are all unique snowflakes, some customization is necessary:


Hey there, I'm a little new to this, I'm pretty sure this is how you send out a message on (NAME OF DATING SITE). 

I was a little hesitant to use this for the first time ever, what with my real-world success rate. (4 and a half successes this fiscal year)

But then I read your profile.

When I read that you "enjoy going out on the town but also like to stay in and watch a movie," I said to myself "if this gal also says she likes travel and/or her family I'm totally going to take a crap in my pants."

Don't worry, I didn't really, I just added that because you said you like guys with a sense of humor.

I think it's great that you're a teacher. Those kids must be a real handful! Look forward to hearing all about them, but not on a school night!

I also noticed you want a guy that can "keep up with you in a conversation."

I was all like "Whoa! This chick has got to be crazy smart!" 

Well I gotsta go, this girl I used to date won't stop calling me. In closing, I just want to say that I really liked your profile, epically the picture.

If you are the hot one in that group of five girls, we should totally hang out.

Hope you have a good (DAY OF THE WEEK)!

-Mike




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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744110 Top Ten Top Ten Lists Letterman Has To Use During Writers Strike Thu, 08 Nov 2007 12:41:17 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744110 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 10. Top Ten Words That Pop Into My Head Right Now
9. Top Ten Lunch Specials On This Chinese Menu I Found
8. Top Ten Daytime Judge Shows I Have Seen
7. Top Ten Items I Will Purchase at Duane Reed After The Show
6. Top Ten Merlots I’ve Ever Had
5. Top Ten Ingredients That Go Into This Bottle of Diet Pepsi I am Drinking
4. Top Ten First Names of Ten People I Know
3. Top Ten Numbers From One to Ten
2. Top Ten Fun Creaky Sounds I Can make With This Chair
1. Top Ten Fingers on My Hands

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-08 12:41:17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 28 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743387 Let's Put The Me Back in Halloween- A Letter From Satan Mon, 29 Oct 2007 00:37:29 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743387 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
From The Offices of Satan, Lord of the Underworld

Dear Minions,

Halloween will soon be here, where you will take to the streets to corrupt the minds of mankind through ancient pagan rituals that will ultimately lead to our complete domination of all existence. What a glorious time! Rise my minions! Rise!

But you know, as I walk around the office, I hear murmurs. People say Halloween has become stale, secular and that people could care less about lil' ol me.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-29 00:37:29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705593 On Free Time Wed, 13 Sep 2006 19:26:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705593 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> View Article ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-09-13 19:26:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705593">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1699941 From The Internet Pornography Association Of America Mon, 24 Jul 2006 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1699941 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
It's an exciting time for internet pornography. We honestly thought it had all been done, but now we have all sorts of new, exciting genres. Take ATM-porn. It's practically an Olympic event. I swear somewhere out there girls are practicing with medicine balls to get that spin just right"¦

Wait a minute, are you 18? Okay you're saying you are, but how do we know for sure? Before you access our websites we are going to go ahead and ask you to type your birthday. Hold on buddy. Your birthday"¦ WITH the year.

Nice try kids.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-07-24 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1695890 Your Friend The ATM Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1695890 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
"Hey there! Swipe your card in me to begin. Great job! Now tell me your secret code!"

If you need an ATM to talk to you like a buddy and reminded that you PIN is supposed to be a secret in order to complete an ATM transaction, go ahead and stop making your own financial decisions. Then kill yourself. Secret code? Are we whispering it into a coffee can on a string?

Other messages coming soon to WaMu ATMS:

"Gosh sorry buddy I'm going to have to charge you like 2 bucks to use this ATM. It's not me, my boss is being a dick."
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-06-28 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1691677 Quit Trying To Change Me Thu, 08 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1691677 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Why are you drunk all the time?
Why are you a bitch all the time? Don't worry about me, I have it all figured out: liquor before beer... in the clear. It's the Contra code of drinking. It's not the amount of drinks you have it's the order you have them, don't you know anything? So when I ordered seven jack and cokes AND THEN 5-6 beers I was thinking, thinking like a fox! Now lets go to white castle, I'm buying. And by buying I mean driving. You're actually buying.

What's that all over your fridge?
Oh that's just some hot sauce my roommate spilled. When was it spilled? I dunno, how long ago was the super bowl? Why don't I just clean it even though I didn't spill it? You just don't get it do you?
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-06-08 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1685416 Hot Girls: You Are NOT Dorks Wed, 17 May 2006 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1685416 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
You are not dorks. You are not Nerds.

Please adjust your MySpace page accordingly.


Me and my friends are such DORKS in this picture!

No you are not.

"I know my smile makes me look like a DORK, but I can't help it"

No it doesn't and stop scouring for compliments.


I'm such a NERD for putting lotion on my supple young body!

As delighted as I am to hear from you I'm sorry to say no, no you are not.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/6/collegehumor.698ae149178f79a7034f3d861a69f6c2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-05-17 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:351">Mike Trainor</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />