What the fuck guys? Seriously, where were your heads at? You guys are supposed to be my friends, and you let me go and do something like this? Man, I hate you guys.

Did you do it just so you could have a laugh at my expense? If that were the case, I'd accept that. But no, you guys simply just dropped the ball, and that is inexcusable.

Oh, you're gonna say it's my fault now? That's bullshit and you know it. Her face was like 6 inches away from mine when she introduced herself and said she wanted to make out. What else was I to do, huh? You guys had a perfectly good view of her, you couldn't stop me?

Honest to God, the only thing worse than kissing that land whale was the fact that you guys had the balls, the sheer audacity, to give me shit about it as well. I'm not the one in the wrong here. Sure, it may have looked like a fatty was trying to eat my face, but I am the victim here. You guys screwed up.

Friends don't let friends make out with fat chicks.

While walking to class on any given day, it is not uncommon to hear two guys recalling the transpirings of the night before:

"Dude, I got so fucking tanked last night. I must've bonged like 7 beers and pounded like 3 Jaegar bombs bro! I got SO shitfaced!"� Sound of a high five

"Yea bro, I hear that. I won like five straight games of beirut and then ran the table during flip cup. No one could fucking touch me dude!"� Sound of a high five, followed by a pound

Yes, you have the fortune of being in the presence of the coolest beings to hit the college campus since, well, ever: the Bro. Bros are a very special breed of person. They have a unique way of life, complete with its own language and dress code. Want to become a Bro? Silly question, I know; who wouldn't? Follow these steps then, dudebro!

Brospeak
Thought that language Newspeak from Ninety Eighty-Four was tough to understand? Just try conversing in the language of a Bro, Brospeak. Here is a quick breakdown of Brospeak and its English equivalents.

Brospeak||English
Pounding some brew-has||Drinking beers
Chillaxin with my brohamskis||Spending time with friends
I'm tapped out bro. Can't hack it||No more for me, thank you
I had like 30 beers and then I woke up naked in some random girl's bed||I casually drank a few light beers while preying on drunk girls
I'm gettin hella hyphy||I am a douche bag


Dress Code
Another tell-tale sign of the Bro is what he wears. A Bro has a limited wardrobe, consisting mainly of fraternity hoodies/t-shirts, one pair of baggy cargo shorts, and a hat that for reasons unknown can only be worn backwards. The main accessory is a pair of sunglasses resting upside-down on the back of the neck. "That doesn't seem that unique Steve, ya dickhead,"� you might be thinking. True, it's not unique, cockbreath. What sets a Bro apart from the crowd is his commitment to wearing any given wardrobe for multiple days in a row. For a Bro, cleanliness is not a virtue; beer spills are battle scars and are worn with pride.

So go on and wear that Pike hoody while speaking in a language that makes you sound like you've had one too many lobotomies; you sir are a Bro.

Think that winning five straight games in Beirut last weekend was a historic drinking moment? Think again, pal. These are some real historical drinking moments.
Socrates, 399 BC
Socrates was probably the biggest party-animal of ancient Athens. Many stories are attributed to him, such as the time when he drank a medimnos of ouzo and sailed right past Scylla, giving it the finger the whole time. But nothing tops Socrates' most famous drinking exploit, which happened at the ripe old age of 70.

Socrates threw a huge party to celebrate his being named the wisest man in all the land. The booze was flowing, Plato was running around naked, and Dionysius was pleased. The party was going great, but then someone challenged Socrates to do a Macedonian Turnpike (now a New Jersey Turnpike). Socrates took it down like a champ, but all of a sudden his legs went cold and rigid; someone brought some hemlock juice to the party and Socrates inadvertently chugged it. His friends offered him an antidote, but Socrates thought it more just to die by drinking than to take a coward's way out.

Jesus H. Christ, c. 17 AD
When Jesus was just a young lad, his mother Mary took him to a wedding because Joseph was busy watching football. Jesus bitched and moaned, but when Mary threatened to get his real father involved, he quickly zipped his lip and went to the wedding. At the reception, Mary realized that she had forgotten to get the married couple a gift, and in those days a woman could be stoned to death for such a minor offense (thankfully, conditions have vastly improved for Middle Eastern women). Mary, quick thinker that she always was, decided to whore out her son by making him turn six jugs of water into wine. Jesus wasn't done with the party tricks, though, because after a few cups of that wine he started turning people into chickens, absolving sins left and right, and in general caused a big ruckus. When Mary told him to "keep it down or else you'll raise the dead,"� he just smiled knowingly. So next time someone asks you "What would Jesus do?"� just shotgun a beer and strip naked.

Christopher Columbus, 1492, upon the ocean blue
Christopher Columbus, Crisco as he was known on the streets, was as avid a boozebag as he was a navigator. He tried to find a quicker route to India, and the night before setting sail he threw a huge party. He got extremely Schlagered that night and woke up with a killer hangover, still legally drunk. In what is probably the most famous DUI in history, Columbus, trying to sail to India, left port heading west. What an idiot! Everyone knows that since Spain is 40 00 N, 4 00 W and India is 20 00 N, 77 00 E that you have to sail southwest! Anyways, Crisco was a pretty easygoing guy and said, "Fuck it, let's just keep goin this way and see what happens."� Lo and behold, on the brink of mutiny, he spotted the New World. He was still pretty tanked, though, and was convinced that these Natives of the New World were in fact people from India, which gives us their current name: Savages.

You don't mind paying $2.50 for a bottle of water because, fuck it, it's on dining points

"Dude, you gotta come out and visit some time! It's so sick out here!"�

Sound familiar? Yes, that's the sound of one of your friends trying to get you to visit him at college. Sure, visiting friends at college is fun and all, but how can you get your friends to visit you instead of any of your other glory-hogging friends? Simple; follow my guidelines, jerkass.

Break off Relations for an Extended Period of Time
You know that saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"� No? Well there's a saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."� It's pretty simple: if you don't have any contact with your friends for about two months, once you finally do talk with them they'll forget about your self-exile and be thrilled to finally talk with you.

Only Talk About How Much You Party
Sure, this last weekend might have just consisted of you and a buddy passing a bottle of Goldschlager back and forth in a garage. So what? As long as you tell your friends that you went to countless parties and everyone was totally shmammered (shitfaced + hammered) they'll be none the wiser. Then when they come and visit and you and your friends are playing three straight hours Kings Cup, constantly complain about how tonight is "such an off-night."�

Make up Stories About Your Friends
"Oh, so you were thinking about visiting Phil? Really? Well say hello to his new boyfriend for me, because I just heard he came out of the closet. And he enjoys killing puppies too."� Another way to convince your friends to visit you is to constantly and shamelessly slander them to the point of ostracism. If you are confronted about your outright lies, just say you heard them from another friend and that you were just passing along what you heard. Pass the buck, my friend. Pass it right along.

If these tactics fail, there's always one surefire way to have your friends visit you: chloroform. Just pick up a bottle and a rag and unsuspectingly sneak up behind your friend and knock "˜em unconscious. If he/she is a hot member of the opposite sex, feel free to cop a feel while hauling the limp, lifeless body around.

Your primary news source is The Daily Show and The Colbert Report

Hey! Italians! Yea, you guys there, all on the Mediterranean sea there!

What's up, man? I hear you guys think you're so great, what with your fancy Eye-talian pasta and artwork. Well I got news for you, buddy: You do noodles worse than the Orientals. And that statue of David? That guy's got a baby-sized donger. If you really wanna see somethin to behold, I'll oblige. I got nothin to hide.

And you guys think you have an impressive history of ruling the world? Please. Oh wait, we're gonna be ruled by kings, oh wait, no, let's have a republic, oh no, we don't like democratic rule, let's have an emperor. Make up your mind, Italy. And that Caesar guy was a queer.

And don't even get me started on your athletics. Sure, you won the World Cup this year, but so what? Who'd you beat to win it, the French? Hell, I could've beaten those cheese-eatin surrender monkeys. And that Materazzi was a queer.

Oh, you like your country being shaped like a boot, do you? Yea, awesome, you know who wears boots? Chicks, man. Chicks wear boots. You sayin you're a chick, Italy? Want a purse to go with your boots, madame? Thought so. And that Armani was a queer.

Shape up your act, Italy.

Yes, we've all seen it. Some of us might have even "blasted some knuckle children" or "stroked your weiner until some sticky stuff came out" to it. I am, of course, referring to this.

Now that those two lovely young ladies have experienced brief internet fame, as is becoming the case much more often, they have parlayed that into international reknown. Let's see what those girls have been up to recently.

Here they are at a recent Penn State football game. Can't see them? Let's zoom in a bit...
Ahh! There they are! So that must be what everyone is cheering about.

Oh, here they are testifying before the Senate that they were indeed above the age of consent. Too bad, Mark Foley. Maybe they have some much younger brothers.

Oh wow, would you look at that? The girls actually got onto the moon! Good thing they are wearing space helmets, otherwise they'd die...how can they kiss, though?

Yes folks, these girls can be found pretty much anywhere, so keep your eyes peeled. Anywhere, that is, except for your loft in your dorm. Sorry guys.

Do me a favor and check two things for me: how long you've been online and your iTunes top 25. Chances are your online time is being measured in days and your iTunes top 25 is at least 1/3 Dave Matthews. When these two forces meet they create some of the most cryptic away messages. Luckily I'm here to decode them for you.

(from Two Step)
What it really means
A girl pregamed at her friend's dorm room with half a water bottle of Bacardi Razz with Diet Pepsi as a chaser, went to a party where she proceeded to dance with her girlfriends while remarking how all the girls dancing with guys were skanks, then came back to her dorm room where she updated her blog (with intentional misspellings to show how wasted she was) about how her night was an "absolute shitshow."�

College is a time of intellectual growth, finding one's self, and parties. Namely, theme parties. As if drinking keg beer and standing in a circle with your friends while looking for anything mildly attractive/drunk wasn't fun enough, the party gods invented the notion of a theme party. "That's pretty gay,"� you might say. Well, you're right. They are pretty gay. Here's a short guide to help you figure out what to wear at these parties and not be a gay ass douchebag: