Did you get back from break just to find that your best friend changed a LOT?  Well, if he exhibits any of these symptoms, then you can be sure that he prefers the cock instead of your friendship...

• New Favorite Saying:  Get out!
• New Favorite Word:  Fierce
• New Favorite Drink:  Cosmopolitan
• New Favorite CD:  Justin Timberlake’s “FutureSex/LoveSounds”
• New Favorite Outfit:  Jean skirt with leggings and a cute top
• New Favorite Movie:  Fisting Firemen 9
• New Favorite Friend:  Some gay dude named Phil
• New Favorite TV Show:  Grey’s Anatomy
• New Favorite Family Member:  Aunt Rita (Mad at Gay Uncle Al for turning him down)
• New Favorite Sex Position:  Anything involving another guy

Employed Friends vs. Unemployed Friends

Only calls at four in the morning in a dire emergency	Only calls at four in the morning to see if you wanna go on a burrito run
Voicemail is recorded in a professional manner	Voicemail is recorded by holding phone up to computer speakers playing  "Get Low"
Can't go out to the bars because he has a lot of work	Can't go out to the bars because he has a big Halo tournament
Lunch break is fifteen minutes long, consisting of eating a ham sandwich he prepared at home	Lunch consists of him asking me over and over again, "Yo let me get one of those fries?"
Can't do drugs because of company's strict no-drug policy	Must do drugs to be good at Ultimate frisbee
Saving money to go to business school	Saving change in the couch for Scooby Doo trapper keeper
Looking to settle down with a family in the near future	Looking on eBay for good prices on slightly-used Fleshlights
Feels uneasy about his filing status on his taxes.	Feels uneasy about next level in Zelda.  Seriously, it's getting intense

Mom: Honey, we have to talk.

Dad: Sure, what is it?

Mom: It’s about what I found in Corbin’s room while cleaning it today.

Dad: Well what did you find?

Mom: I found a box of condoms.

Dad: Oh honey, there’s nothing wrong with that!  Our boy is old enough now to be making his own decisions. We wouldn’t be good parents if we told him he couldn’t have sex.

Mom: Ok, I don’t know how to put this, but...these aren’t...normal condoms.

Dad: Oh ho ho, is our boy using Magnums? I told you he takes after his father.

Mom: No, they’re not Magnums...they’re condoms specially made for, well...anal sex.  

Dad: Oh! Ok, well, I guess our son likes to play in the mud a bit. There’s nothing wrong with door #2 honey. You know, it’s been a while since we...

Mom: GAY anal sex.    

Dad: WHAT?!

Mom: Yea, look right here on the package.  “Dr. William Montana’s Specially Made Gay Anal Sex Condoms.”

Dad: Ok that is just preposterous. Maybe...maybe he just bought them because they didn’t have anything else at the store.

Mom: That’s what I thought too, but, here, look at his shopping list.

Dad: Dr. William Montan—OK LOOK! Maybe they just feel better when he is having intercourse. Regular, normal, heterosexual intercourse…with a woman.

Mom: Yea, I’m not too sure about that…look at what else I found.

Dad: Oh Jesus...that’s not...that’s not a Polaroid of our boy doing...THAT, is it?

Mom: I’m afraid it is.

Dad: I think I’m going to be sick…


Fifteen silent minutes later


Mom: What are you thinking honey?

Dad: I’m thinking that it’s your fault our son is like this.

Mom: What?

Dad: Remember when you had him take ballet lessons when he was six?

Mom: Oh, you can’t be serious…

Dad: It’s your fault! All your fault!

Mom: Look, we can’t be pointing fingers here. We need to be there to support our son right now. This must be a difficult time for him.

Dad: Oh, sure, I’ll be there for him. Every other weekend, that is.

Mom: What do you mean?

Dad: I want a divorce.

Dave Chappelle:  Hey Carlos, how’s it goin man?
Carlos Mencia:  It’s pretty bueno Dave.  Yourself?
Dave Chappelle:  …Umm, yea, it’s all good.
Carlos Mencia:  So what’s up?
Dave Chappelle:  Look man, I came here to talk to you about your show.
Carlos Mencia:  Yea, it’s pretty funny, huh?  It’s like a continuation of your show!
Dave Chappelle:  Well, not so much.  See, Carlos, on my show I explored the cultural differences between black and white people…
Carlos Mencia:  Yea, I do that too, except I mock a whole lot more races, like Terrorists!  And I make fun of the retarded as well!
Dave Chappelle:  Ok, see there it is right there: whenever I joked about something, I didn’t so much mock it as bring it to light in a humorous way.  You just sort of cling on to stereotypes and mercilessly deride them while saying “dee-dee-dee,” or whatever the hell you call it.  And “Terrorist” isn’t a race, by the way.
Carlos Mencia:  Well, I’m a minority too vato!  What gives you the right to satirize white people and not me?
Dave Chappelle:  Seriously?
Carlos Mencia:  …Yea…
Dave Chappelle:  Sigh  Look man, us black people have been subjugated by white folks for—
Carlos Mencia:  Subju-what?
Dave Chappelle:  It means repressed.  Anyways, we have been repressed for a long time.  By showing the differences between our cultures, I’m trying to let my people finally be able to laugh at it.
Carlos Mencia:  Well, I’m doing the same thing holmes!  I make fun of other races so my people can laugh.
Dave Chappelle:  And who exactly are your “people” there Carlos?  Hondurans?  Germans, possibly?
Carlos Mencia:  Uhh, heh heh, what are you talking about there Dave?  I’m from the barrio!  I’m a Beaner!  Remember?
Dave Chappelle:  No, not really there, Ned.  Look, I won’t blow the top off your whole “not-really-being-Mexican-but-pretending-to-be-one-so-you-can-say-beaner” scheme you’ve got going here, but you’ve got to stop spouting all this racism.  You’re no better than Michael Richards, it’s just that you have dark skin so somehow people think it’s acceptable for you to be a racist.
Carlos Mencia:  I’m not racist though!  I point out cultural differences too!  Like that one skit I had, where I was a Hindu convenience store clerk and made fun of a Redneck for buying beer and a black man for trying to rob me!  That’s just good satire!
Dave Chappelle:  No, see that’s just making fun of stereotypes.  A six-year-old coulda written that.
Carlos Mencia:  Well you did that Racial Draft!  How is that not racist?!
Dave Chappelle:  Because it was intelligent humor showing how racial groups are protective of their own people and envious of others.  I’m not surprised the joke escaped you.
Carlos Mencia:  …I’ll…escape…you…
Dave Chappelle:  Brilliant.  Just brilliant man.  Look, I just thought I’d let you know how I felt.  No hard feelings, just, you know, try to be funnier and not so racist.
Carlos Mencia:  Yes sir…
Dave Chappelle:  And stop shouting at your viewers.  They’re not deaf.
Carlos Mencia:  Ok…
Dave Chappelle:  And your “retard” impression isn’t funny at all.  Have you ever seen an actual mentally-handicapper person?
Carlos Mencia:  No sir…
Dave Chappelle:  Didn’t think so.  Clean up the act Ned.  Bye.
Carlos Mencia:  Adios.  I mean, bye.

– I am fucking annoying.  Seriously, just really fucking annoying.  I choose an unreadable font not because I enjoy the color/font combination, but because I enjoy being a supreme dickhead.  Just like my online persona, I am equally irritating in real life.  I have been known to find humor in cockblocking my friends, killing jokes, and finishing a pitcher of beer without offering to refill it.  I am an ideal candidate for euthanasia.

– WHOOOO!!!  GO [insert sports team]!!!  They fucking rule!  I’m such a hardcore fan, my font coordinates with their jersey color, my buddy icon relates to them, and I have their record in my profile!  GO TEAM!  YEA!!!  I love this font a lot…that is, until they start doing poorly.

 – I am so fucking emo.  Just check me out man.  The rigid font paired with the loveless colors show just how turbulent my soul is.  This font is soon to replace those thick black rectangular glasses as the symbol for all things emo.  I don’t really care though, because apathy is totally emo…right?  I’m not too clear on our beliefs…but that’s probably got to be pretty emo.  Oh, and don’t forget to check out my profile for a link to my poetry.

 – Just like my default font, my life lacks any change: I wake up at the same time every morning, eat the same breakfast, wear the same drab clothes, and in general am just a buzzkill.  Hopefully you don’t have too many friends like me.  

Dad:  So, do you guys wanna start opening up presents?
Me:  Sure.
My Brother:  Absolutely.
Mom:  Ok, why don’t you go first Steven.  Here’s one for you.
Me:  Sweet, a Nintendo Wii!  Thanks a lot!  Here mom, open this one.  It’s from me.
Mom:  Oh, wow…look at this…an ornament with your school’s logo on it…thanks.
Me:  Why don’t you put it on the tree now?
Mom:  No, let’s save it for next year…it’s too…special.
Me:  That’s fine.
My Brother:  Here Steve, open this up.
Me:  Oh awesome, Arrested Development DVDs.  Thanks!  Open this one up.
My Brother:  Ok, let’s see what we have here…ahhh, a t-shirt with the name of your school on it.  Great…this will go great with the shorts you got me for my birthday…
Me:  No problem.
Dad:  Alright, open this one up Steven.  I think you’ll like it.
Me:  Wow, baseball stuff!  Thanks Dad!
Dad:  You’re welcome.
Me:  Here, I got this for you.
Dad:  I wonder what it could be…it’s a…polo shirt…that says Santa Clara Dad on it.  Wow, this is a lot better than the one you got me last year.  This one’s red.
Me:  I know, right!
Dad:  (Muttered) You’re a horrible son…
Me:  What’s that?
Dad:  I said, “You’re a…deplorable…son.”  Wait, that’s no good either.  Shit.  Get me another whiskey sour.

7:00 a.m.  Alarm goes off.  Got to get up early to hit the books!
7:01  Hit snooze for two more hours
9:01  Alrite now, gotta get up and read some philosophy
9:02  Snooze for two more hours
11:02  Ok, seriously, wake the fuck up.  This stuff isn’t gonna study itself
11:06  Check instant messages, e-mail, Facebook, away messages, then Facebook again
11:20  Open notebook, realize that you have piss-poor notes
11:21  Go on Facebook to find that girl in your class who seems pretty smart
11:23  Man, she’s pretty hot…
11:24  Masturbate
11:28  IM that girl to see if you can get the notes.  She’s all the way across campus.  Shit
11:32  Call friends to see if they want to get some food
11:55  Walk over to the cafeteria
12:02 p.m.  Masticate
12:35  Head over to girl’s room.  Make sure to eliminate any accidental boners
12:44  Walk into her room.  She’s even hotter than her Facebook pictures.  Plus she smells like lilacs
12:45  Misinterpret request to “take a seat” for “take your shirt off”
12:46  Flee from her room before she calls Campus Safety
12:53  Get back to your room, check instant messages, e-mail, Facebook, away messages, then Facebook twice more
1:02  Pick up the textbook and try to take notes. 
1:03  Man, what if she responded to your advances?  That woulda been pretty hot…
1:04  Masturbate
1:09  Try to take more notes
1:14  After three lines of notes, reward yourself with a little Guitar Hero 2
2:30  You beat “Freebird” on Expert!  Call friend from back home and tell him all about it
2:58  Review notes
2:59  Take seven more lines of notes
3:03  Check instant messages and Facebook to see if that girl has reconsidered
3:04  Masturbate
3:10  Take a nap to recharge the batteries
6:00  Hit snooze for another hour
7:00  Open up notes only to realize that you are starving
7:02  Call friends to see if they want to get some food
7:10  Head over to friend’s apartment and order a pizza
7:15  Drink a few beers to kill the time
8:20  Devour pizza between beer pong games
11:00  Stumble back to your room to cram in some serious studying
11:01  Check instant messages, Facebook, e-mail, away messages, then Facebook fourteen more times
11:10  Review ten lines of notes; be overcome with false sense of         accomplishment
11:13  Watch TV until falling asleep
9:00 a.m. next morning  Fail test; blame professor

If there is one equation to remember during finals week, it’s that “finals week = no classes = Price is Right.”  It’s your classic transitive property of what to do when you don’t have school, dating back to your grade school days.  But nowadays there is an increasing number of people on the Price is Right who really grind my gears.  Here are just a few of the types of people who are making Bob Barker want to retire:

Middle-Aged Woman Who Obviously Doesn't Watch The Show

• Smiles blankly because she does not realize the extent of her luck to be called to "come on down"
• On Contestants' Row, all her bids are either $1 under a previous bid or are grossly higher than the actual retail price
• If, by chance, she plays a pricing game, she stares blankly at the group she came with for help.  Sadly, they're also old hens, thus no help
• The plus side: For once justifies your affinity for hurling profanities at the TV

Does your girlfriend maintain that she's a virgin, but you're just not sure?  Here's a quick checklist to help you figure out if that cherry's been popped:

• Her copy of the "Kama Sutra" has check marks on certain pages


• She lets slip the fact that she’s had sex before, but when you call her on it she replies, “Yea, but it’s Opposite Day silly!”  If it’s truly Opposite Day, wouldn’t she say it’s NOT Opposite Day?


• Her name is Erin Colnon, Brooke Bobb, or Emily Green.  I totally boned those broads already


• She’s your younger sister.  Trust me dude, she’s already had sex.  And besides, if you’re going out with your younger sister, her V-Card status should be pretty low on your list of problems


• One of her Facebook groups is "I tell people I'm a virgin, but I've really had sex"


• When you do finally have sex and she achieves orgasm, she pants, "That was so good.  I always get off when I'm on top."


• After eating something particularly tasty, she says, “That’s as good as sex, which I’ve had before.”


• Her name is Charlene.  All Charlenes are miserable cunts who cheat on you.  YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME CHARLENE!!  WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!

Certain mushrooms make you go faster :: Certain mushrooms slow everything down drastically

Peach can crash into a wall and survive :: R.I.P. Princess Diana

The Hammer Brothers do not make an appearance :: I owe Vince and Tony Hammer $200

When you die in Battle Mode, your car turns into a bomb :: Insurgents continue sectarian violence in Iraq

You control if and when lightning strikes :: Our insurance doesn't cover structure fires

Peach and Daisy are two choices to be your driver :: Women can't drive

Your remaining life is measured on a scale of three balloons:: Now all we can do for Aunt Paula is wait and pray

If you fall off the road, a nearsighted turtle driving a cloud will pick you back up with fishing line :: The turtle is farsighted

Get up for a snack, and the monkey you're controlling will sit perfectly still :: What did I tell you about leaving the monkey unsupervised, even for a second?

I'm unbeatable :: My dad works nights and kids at school call me Fat-tard

Some random thoughts that drifted through my head when I flew back to school: