* Dirty Knobs
   * It Takes A Queef
   * Deadliest Snatch
   * CherryBusters
   * Really Big Things (that one will stay the same)
   * Cunt Junkies
   * How It's Laid

1 - Oh man, I have such a headache.  Should not have had those shots of Jager last night.  Just a few of these should do it.  Why is there all this f*cking cotton here?!  Get out of here!  Isn't there some horribly racist joke about this stuff?  No time for that now, gotta get rid of this hangover.

2 - Ahh, ok, here we go, feelin' good now.  What's the recommended dosage again?  Two tablets every four to six hours?  F*ck that, I got some real pain here.  "If you consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks every day blah blah blah...stomach bleeding..." that would suck pretty bad.  Oh well, better not take too many of these.

3 - F*ck this stuff, it's not doing anything.  Better take some more.  Maybe if I wash it down with some Natty it'll help, I heard somewhere that it makes the blood vessels more responsive or some sh*t like that.  This doesn't taste half bad, it's got like some candy coating on it or something.  Ok, here we go, down the hatch!

4 - Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maaaaaaaaan, I am...thinking...like...that I'm feeling...me.  It's like I'm here, but...not.  It's like, I'm WATCHING myself, like, here, but...wow, my headache, like if it was a sentence...there's a period at the end of it now.  Or like an exclamation mark.  Mark...Mark...I'll call my buddy Mark, see if he wants to hit up some of this stuff...f*ck, I think I feel my stomach leaking or something.  Ughhh, better pop some of these bad boys in there to quench the fire.  Fire...fire...what if I like, smoked this stuff...that'd be...good...sh*t...yea...

5 - Barely audible sounds of body convulsing and mouth foaming.


This is modeled off of the very talented Sarah Schneider's Dorito article

Christian Jones is not a name you might recognize, but he has had a profound impact on history.  A world-renowned shadow puppeteer in his time, Jones’s contribution to this world was stumbled across by chance. 

“I was just sitting in my house, trying to come up with exciting new two person shadow puppets with my wife, Judith,” Jones, 86, said.  “We were improvising and she was doing a crocodile.  I thought that looked like fun so I also pretended to be a crocodile that was eating her crocodile. We did some playful crocodile wrestling, as us hand puppeteers are prone to do. The rest is history..."

Jones’s discovery was published in the magazine Modern Shadower.  It sent shock waves through the shadow puppet community, prompting other adventurous puppeteers to try their "hand" in making their own anatomical parts. Despite these innovator's best efforts, the “hand wang” and “hand scrotum”  both failed miserably- possibly lending gravitas to the staying power of Jones’s discovery.