CollegeHumor Updates by Steve Horvath

Things Only Slightly Less Scary Than Kimbo Slice

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

A chainsaw-wielding grizzly bear

The lovechild of Zeus and Mr. T

Watching your grandparents bone

Getting your fingernails ripped off one by one

Dad after four beers

Vigo the Carpathian

Kimbo Slice's turds

Erectile dysfunction

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jun 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Bro, Not Even, I Got A Boo

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:30:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In response to yesterday's Dude, Don't Even Bother, Cause I Got The Star

Oh you think you're hot sh*t now that you got the star, huh? Well you better watch out, because I'm taking it like those gangbangers took your sister's virginity. In yo' face!

All that careful planning, waiting to use it until just the right time...it's all for nought brother! You might as well turn the game off now because me and my stolen star are gonna light you up like your convicted felon father did to all those files at his office. What now?!

I know what you're thinking, you're hoping on getting a Boo yourself. Well let me alleviate you of any dwindling hope you still have, because just like Christmas you won't be getting anything you asked for. Tip the bandleader and fluff up the pillows, because this dance is done my friend.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Jan 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Famous LOLCats

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 14:30:00 EST

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Dec 4 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 60 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Point-Counterpoint: Who's A Puppy?

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Point - Who's a puppy?

POINT - Who's a puppy? Is it you? Is it? Hmm? Is hims a puppy? I think you are! Yes you are! Yes! Who's mommy's sweet little angel? A-boo-boo-doo-boo-doo-boo!

Yes! Ohh come here snookums and give mommy a big kiss! Oh, hims just wuvs giving mommy kisses, doesn't hims? You do, don't you! I think you do! Ooh-boo-doo-boo-boo-boo!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Oct 12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Differences Between "The Real World" and The Real World

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

This is the true story... :: God, I haven't had any time to read lately, let alone non-fiction
...of seven strangers... :: I don't think I even have 7 numbers in my phonebook
...picked to live in a house... : I need to move out of my parents' basement
...work together... :: How does one classify "Dressing up in a Chicken Costume and handing out Coupons" on a tax return form?
...and have their lives taped... :: Scotch tape! That's what I need to pick up next time I'm at the drug store
...to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real. ::
Maybe I should just stop being polite. I heard somewhere that girls are into dickheads. I'll try it out if I ever meet another girl

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Aug 14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How Is That A Strike?!

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> That ball was almost in the dirt! Are you blind, ump?!

I mean, seriously, how is that a strike?! It was nowhere near the plate! Zambrano's thrown that pitch at least 5 times for a ball all game, and now you're gonna call this a strike? Call it both ways, blue!

You suck, blue!

I swear, these umps are fixing games just so the Cubs can't win another World Series. I mean, did you just see that pitch?! It was so low and inside I'm surprised it didn't hit him! He should be ejected!

Hey, blue! Toss him! At least give him a warning, ya pussy!

Oh sh*t, I think he heard me. Quick, duck! Did he turn back? Is he gone? Ok, good, I knew that pussy wouldn't do anything. He knows better than to mess with a Cubs fan. I've been pounding Old Styles all game, I'd probably end up paralyzing him or something.

But anyways, back to that pitch. Is this guy serious? Did he just get called up from the minor leagues of umpires? He's a joke, I could call a better game than him. For instance, that last pitch would've been a ball in my book. And that pitch last inning that Theriot checked his swing on and they called a strike? Remember that one? When I hurled a string of expletives and kicked the seat in front of us? Yea, that would've been a ball as well.

God, maybe I should just become an umpire. That would solve so many problems. I wonder if they'd let me be one even though I'm such a hard core Cubs fan. I should probably leave that off my application. Tell them I don't like baseball at all, I just need a job to support my family. No, that's stupid, they wouldn't buy it...

Ok, here comes the replay of that pitch, just watch. Watch it almost hit him. See, right when he swings his bat he moves his front foot to avoid the pitch. Honestly, how is that strike?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Aug 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Rejected Titles For "Live Free or Die Hard"

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Live Free and/or Die Hard

Snakes on a McClane

Die Hard with a Vengeancer

Live Free or John McClane Will F*cking Kill You

Yippee-Ki-Yay Mother F*cker: The Movie

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Jun 27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Differences Between Grand Theft Auto and the Real World

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:15:00 EST

Changing clothes erases wanted level	Changing clothes in Wal-Mart parking lot has increased wanted level in Dayton, OH
Cars are always readily available	"Mom, seriously, f*ck, I'm 20 years old, I should be able to drive to the movies whenever I want!"
Prostitutes replenish health	Prostitutes deplete bank account and self esteem
"Hot Coffee" mode allows my character to have sex	Hot coffee allows me to have a bowel movement in the morning
Only have to pay hospital $100 every time you die	Family must pay hospital $10,000 for allowing Grandma to die there
Getting shot takes away 7 health points	Actually takes away 23 health points

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jun 5 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Please, Have Some Consideration

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Yea! Summer's here man! No more school for a few months! PARTAYYYY!

If you've felt this way recently, I have two words for you: fuck you.

"How can such a handsome man have so much hostility?" you might ask. The answer, my friends, is because my school is on the quarter system, meaning I begin school about three weeks later than everybody else and finish almost a month and half later.

So please, if you are fortunate to be on summer vacation, have some consideration for your friends who are still in school next time you decide to call them at 3 in the morning yelling indecipherably into the phone about some sweet beer pong shot. I didn't wake you up back in early September when I was still at home, did I? Ok, except for that one time, but it was a double bounce! Double! That's three cups! But I digress...

Also, do you think you guys might wanna leave some jobs for the rest of us? While all the rest of you have successful summer internships I am left to scour Craigslist for a part time job that doesn't require overalls.

So again, if you know someone who is still in school, try not to pester them with trivial late night phone calls. Instead, how about you visit them? I mean, if you are going to prevent your friend from his studies, might as well be there with him to knock back a few. And if you are on the quarter system and still in school, may God have mercy on your soul.

Thanks, and I'll see you guys in like two and a half weeks.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, May 29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ways to Effectively Cockblock Yourself

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> At Dinner

"So your last name is Goldstein, huh? Well, congratulations for escaping der Fuhrer's wrath."
Wear a blazer with jorts, claiming you were unsure if this was a formal or casual place.
"Man, I coulda sworn you were anorexic, but after watching you wolf down that pasta I was clearly wrong. So, how long have you been bulimic?"
"My you have lovely lips. All the better to S my D with, my dear."
Brag about the fact that you are a level 37 Elf Mage with a +9 Sword of Destiny. (Sorry, this one should be under 'Foolproof Ways to Seal the Deal.')

In the Bedroom

"I can't remember; are you the one that likes the "Her Pleasure" or "Ultra Ribbed" condoms?"
"Man, your O-Face looks pretty stupid...wanna keep going?"
"Your choice: Creed's or KoRn's Greatest Hits?"
"Are you into role playing? Yea? Ok, how about I be the girl and you be the guy."
"You wanna try something new? Ok, here's one I've been practicing on my dog."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, May 21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Complaints From The Guy Who Misses The Big Picture

Mon, 14 May 2007 10:00:00 EST

Every single time I'm done boning my girlfriend, she makes me take a shower. It's so f*cking annoying!

I swear, if I have to make one more trip to the bank to deposit a check, I'm going to straight up murder someone.

Why did you guys get so much beer? There's no WAY all of this can fit into my fridge.

These front-row seats are way too close to the stage. I can barely see the video monitors.

I have the biggest hangover right now; the drinks were just so inexpensive at the bar last night.

Why did my flight have to land 40 minutes early? Now I have to call my buddy to tell him to pick me up right now.

I am so exhausted right now. I really need to stop staying up until 4 in the morning having sex.

These gold bars that I found laying on the street are just so damn heavy!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, May 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 51 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

An Open Letter to Facebook From Creepy Stalker Guy

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Facebook,

Hi there, it's the Creepy Stalker Guy. As you no doubt are aware, spring has sprung and the weather is getting much sunnier, which means two things: I have to keep my curtains closed almost the whole day so I don't get glare on my TV screen and, more importantly, chicks in bikinis.

I am writing this letter because, although your site makes it much easier to creep on girls, I feel that you can make this task even easier by implementing a new category under girls' photos. In addition to "photos they own" and "photos owned by others", I think the addition of a "photos in swimwear" designation would save stalkers like yours truly lots of time sifting through page after page of girls dressed in neon-colored headbands apparently going to some 80's party where they don't show any skin. Some of these girls have over 1,000 pictures! With the amount of girls that I stalk, that's a lot of time going through pictures! Help a brother out!

So, in closing, I implore you to implement this new feature. And who knows? If it's popular enough, maybe you can add a "photos in lingerie" or "photos slightly sapphic" section. Thanks again.

Yours truly,
Creepy Stalker Guy

If I have to look through one more page of "Spring Formal" pictures, I will kill someone.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, May 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Shows the Discovery Channel Would Air if Acquired by Larry Flynt

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> * Dirty Knobs
* It Takes A Queef
* Deadliest Snatch
* CherryBusters
* Really Big Things (that one will stay the same)
* Cunt Junkies
* How It's Laid

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, Apr 29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Thought Process Behind Ingesting an Entire Bottle of Ibuprofen

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

1 - Oh man, I have such a headache. Should not have had those shots of Jager last night. Just a few of these should do it. Why is there all this f*cking cotton here?! Get out of here! Isn't there some horribly racist joke about this stuff? No time for that now, gotta get rid of this hangover.

2 - Ahh, ok, here we go, feelin' good now. What's the recommended dosage again? Two tablets every four to six hours? F*ck that, I got some real pain here. "If you consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks every day blah blah blah...stomach bleeding..." that would suck pretty bad. Oh well, better not take too many of these.

3 - F*ck this stuff, it's not doing anything. Better take some more. Maybe if I wash it down with some Natty it'll help, I heard somewhere that it makes the blood vessels more responsive or some sh*t like that. This doesn't taste half bad, it's got like some candy coating on it or something. Ok, here we go, down the hatch!

4 - Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maaaaaaaaan, I am...thinking...like...that I'm feeling...me. It's like I'm here, but...not. It's like, I'm WATCHING myself, like, here, but...wow, my headache, like if it was a sentence...there's a period at the end of it now. Or like an exclamation mark. Mark...Mark...I'll call my buddy Mark, see if he wants to hit up some of this stuff...f*ck, I think I feel my stomach leaking or something. Ughhh, better pop some of these bad boys in there to quench the fire. Fire...fire...what if I like, smoked this stuff...that'd be...good...sh*t...yea...

5 - Barely audible sounds of body convulsing and mouth foaming.

This is modeled off of the very talented Sarah Schneider's Dorito article

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Apr 9 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Pioneers in Immaturity: The Hand Vagina

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 15:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Christian Jones is not a name you might recognize, but he has had a profound impact on history. A world-renowned shadow puppeteer in his time, Jones’s contribution to this world was stumbled across by chance.

“I was just sitting in my house, trying to come up with exciting new two person shadow puppets with my wife, Judith,” Jones, 86, said. “We were improvising and she was doing a crocodile. I thought that looked like fun so I also pretended to be a crocodile that was eating her crocodile. We did some playful crocodile wrestling, as us hand puppeteers are prone to do. The rest is history..."

Jones’s discovery was published in the magazine Modern Shadower. It sent shock waves through the shadow puppet community, prompting other adventurous puppeteers to try their "hand" in making their own anatomical parts. Despite these innovator's best efforts, the “hand wang” and “hand scrotum” both failed miserably- possibly lending gravitas to the staying power of Jones’s discovery.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Apr 5 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

New "Morning After" Articles

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Have you ever wanted to write a regularly featured article for CollegeHumor? Well here are some of the new “Morning After” articles that are waiting to be written by any of you brave readers

The Morning After: $1 Tequila Shots

It's pretty simple: find somewhere that has $1 shots of tequila and drink heavily. Then, early in the morning, you write about your experience. It doesn't matter if you can't type coherently. Simply aim your vomit in the direction of your keyboard and whatever letters you press will suffice for an article.

The Morning After: Going Hoggin'

Why hook up with desirable chicks when you can give a little self esteem to the larger ones of society? Your mission is to find the fattest land whale you can, seduce her, and do your best not to suffocate on her fat rolls while nailing her. Sure this may sound gross, but at least you'll get your D wet, right?

The Morning After: Beating Off Vigorously

This one takes a lot of dedication, only meant for those who choose to stay in every night that other people go out. You may say that you have a huge paper due in the near future, but everyone knows your night consists of watching SportsCenter in between each whack sess.

The Morning After: The Morning After

It may sound like this one is straight out of the Department for Redundancy Department, but in actuality your job will be to read all of the “Morning After” columns and summarize what you thought of the summaries. Did Chris Craft misquote Jack Bauer when he went storming into yet another embassy? Here's your chance to tell him!

The Morning After: According to Jim

This one has been a long time coming. We realize that heated discussions amongst your friends about the merits of According to Jim (and Jim Belushi in general) have probably gotten a bit stale by now. What we need is a public forum for everyone to tout the talents of this monumental, groundbreaking show.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Apr 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Wii-ness Envy

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey guys, I know I might be a little late on this one, but I really want a Nintendo Wii. I've played it a few times and thought the bowling game was kinda cool, but I just looked at everything it can do, and one thing in particular really aroused my interest: it can browse the web.

I mean, seriously, how cool is that? Ever since the cord connecting my laptop to the TV broke I've been looking for a way to do this, but now on my TV I can access all my favorite sites, like Facebook, Google, or Spankwire. Just think of the possibilites!

It will be awesome being able to see things on websites on my big screen TV. Just take for instance CollegeHumor's videos. No more watching racist infants on a tiny computer screen for this guy! Plus, the quality of video will be so much better that I'll be able to see every nook and cranny. Every nook and cranny.

Not a fan of watching videos? Then what better way to view gallery after gallery of tasteful, artsy pictures from, say, Flickr or even BabesKickAss than on an HDTV? Ahh, what I wouldn't give to just sit back, kick off my shoes, and enjoy viewing some pictures on my TV via my Wii for hours on end.

Man, what I wouldn't give to get a Wii. If only I didn't have so many paid subscriptions to websites that I use for, er, reasearch then I could afford the exorbitant prices on eBay or electronics4SnMfreaks.net.

Seriously guys, ok, let me just come clean here: I need a Wii. I need one. My computer is going so slowly that I have to put up my away message for dinner at 2 in the afternoon. With that much of a lag, the only hope of me watching any porn online is going to the library, and last time I had to resort to that I got stage fright and just sat there with my pants at my ankles for a half hour or so.

So I implore you, faithful readers of CollegeHumor (and any number of friends of CH readers who undoubtedly forwarded this to you, just like the rest of my articles): sell me a Wii. At face value. I mean, honestly, if my K-List* internet celebrity status can't bring me a Wii, then I'm in the wrong business. If you or anyone you know is willing to sell me a Wii then please just email me, send me a carrier pigeon, hell you can even use the new CollegeHumor messaging system. I'll even include a handwritten thank you note with a signed picture or something--really whatever you want. Thank you, and God bless.

*: It should be noted that many people who comment on articles/pics/videos are also K-Listers; some, like Cody Arant, are even on the J-List. One day. One day...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Mar 27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Poetry Slam Enthusiast Explains Beer Pong

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 13:30:00 EST

When I say 'Red Dog' we both bounce, ok?

Cups numbered ten on opposing sides,
Beer flowing like the swelling tides.
Not too much, it is early yet, hold it, hold it:
Pong, pong, pong.

A majestic pyramid laid horizontal, balls soaring,
Gravity paints a furious arc as spheres slice through air,
Whoosh! Clang! Kerplunk.
Rerack twice, whenever is nice… for me.
Bounces are two but can be denied like “shoo, fly. Shoo.”
Pong, pong… pong!

If elbows cross the table, your shot is not able
to be counted.
As in the velvety darkness of the bedroom,
hos may blow and guys finger, yes, faster now –
But if a made cup should linger,
an assault could lead you to suffocating words:
“Game Over."

Dry your eyes when no cups remain,
Arriving fast, the Redemption Train:
Chugga chugga choo choo, chugga chugga brew.
Climb aboard and do your best,
But if you fail the test, bear the shame –
The “P” pops from lips puckered with pain.
Pong, p-pong, p-p-pong!

Think you can write a funnier poem than this one? Post it as an article and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com.
Check out past poems here.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, Mar 18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Coming Out of the Closet During a Beer Pong Game

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey bro, do you mind if I talk to you for a second? You’ve always been my best friend, and—HEY QUEERS! I CALLED NEXT GAME!—and umm, hey do you wanna play this game of beer pong with me? I guess we can talk and play at the same time. Anyways, I’ve always thought of you as someone I can trust and—FETCH US A PITCHER WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH IT, LADIES!—and so uh, well, I just feel safe coming to you with this.

The thing is—GET THAT BOUNCE SHIT OUT OF HERE FAG! I WILL EAT YOUR FACE!—um, the thing is, that I have been having these feelings. I don’t know what to make of them, and—NICE SHOT! SEND THAT SHIT BACK!—so uh, like I was saying, I’ve just been really confused lately. Remember when I broke up with Pam? It wasn’t because she cheated on me, it was because—RERACK THAT SHIT YA BITCH!—um, because I just didn’t find her attractive anymore.

I know, I know, we were perfect together. But that’s sort of what—NICE SHOT DICKHEAD! THE CUPS ARE OVER HERE!—sort of what I’m getting at. It’s not that I don’t just find Pam attractive anymore; I don’t find any—OH NICE SHOT YA NANCE, DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND PLAY?!—any girls attractive anymore. God…this is really difficult. What I’m trying to tell you is that—OH YEA, GET IN THAT FUCKING CUP! REBUTTAL TIME!—I’m just trying to say that…well—I'M GAY!—uhh, I mean (whispers) I'm gay. NEXT!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Mar 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

DK Blog

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Current Mood: Growing tired with the banality of life
Listening To: Bananaphone by Raffi

Do you ever lie awake in bed thinking about your existence? I mean, really, why are we all put here on this earth? Day in, day out, it’s the same thing: road rage on the morning commute, working at the warehouse, dealing with troublesome kids, wearing the same goddamn red tie…it just gets to be too much at times.

Take, for instance, my drive to work today. I was driving on Toad’s Turnpike, when out of nowhere a freaking shell of some sort hits me from behind! As my car was tossed in the air, I took a quick look and saw that son of a bitch Yoshi flying by me, all smug and shit. Then, just as I landed, a huge semi collided with me, delaying my drive even longer! I was so fed up that I threw my banana peel out of the window; I hope someone drives over it and hits the guard rail.

So then I get to work at the warehouse, where all I do all day is roll barrels into a furnace. Boring, I know, right? So anyway, I’m just there, doing my job, when all of a sudden the boss tells me to come into his office. He showed me some legal documents, something about an injured coworker and it being my fault. He says this guy named Mario, who always shows up to work tripping balls on shrooms by the way, got hit by one of my barrels. I assured him that that was in no way my fault; he either didn’t jump on time or wasn’t using his hammer to break them up. Anyways, I’m being slapped with a huge lawsuit, so if there are any lawyers out there willing to take a case pro bono, it would be very much appreciated.

It’s no better at home, either. My son DK Jr. is always hanging out with his floozy of a girlfriend Dixie. My friend Diddy is just a plain fuck-up, always losing my bananas. My octogenarian father Cranky won’t shut up about how things used to better back when life was 8-bit. On the news all I hear about are Giant DKs wreaking havoc on much smaller civilians. It really gives us Kongs a bad name. Honestly, the only pleasure I get during the day is relaxing with a nice banana and watching that sexy vixen Tiny Kong swing from vine to vine. What I wouldn’t give…

Well, I guess that’s all for now. If any of you out there has an excuse for me to get out of bed in the morning, I’d love to hear it. Honestly. I’m struggling to come up with one. Donkey Kong is Donkey Gone.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Mar 9 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Names I Would Use If I Was A Magician

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

A Magician Named GOB

Disappear-O the Magnificent
Steve, the Guy Who Makes Stuff Go Away
Harry Who-Done-It?
Da Magik Trikstah
Fooly McMagicman
Blavid Daine
Ol' Dirty Magician
David Cop-A-Feel
M For Magician
Carpathio the Illusionist

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Mar 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Letter From Your Used Facial Tissue

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Please, somebody call a Wahmbulance

Hey there, I know we only hung out for like 5 minutes the other night, but something you did kinda pissed me off.

I am referring to, of course, the time you semenated on me, balled me up, and threw me in the trash.

It's not that I mind being the receptacle for your bodily fluids; in fact, that's sorta what I was specially made for. What you did though was just downright insensitive, much unlike my extremely sensitive aloe-coated self, designed to be sturdy enough to handle excessive mucus, yet soft enough to soothe your nose. You could have used me to cover up a sneeze or wipe your nose...you know, the things that I am intended to do. But no, you just decided to nut all over me and throw me in the garbage.

Seriously dude, you couldn't have just grabbed some toilet paper or something? Those guys are used to dealing with your lower half. They have to put up with constant shit all day, so I doubt they would mind a little jism. Hell, just grab some paper towels next time! Those things clean up all sorts of junk, they'd probably love to receive a little love juice.

So let's get this straight, ok? I am a facial tissue, meaning a tissue to be used on the face, not a tissue used to practice facials on.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Mar 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Party Hardly

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> My school is currently experiencing some racial turmoil over a "South of the Border" theme party. Both Hispanic and non-Hispanic students alike organized a march to protest the offensive party and teachers have devoted class time to talking about the issue. But was it really that bad? I mean, come on, really? I contend that there could have been far more controversial parties that went on. Parties such as...

White Middle Class Party - I for one would have been very offended if someone threw a party in which the dress code was polos and jeans (or khaki shorts, depending on the weather) in order to mock my lifestyle. I would not have been able to bear the sight of people walking around in Le Tigres and Levis listening to the Dave Matthews Band thinking that is what all white kids do. Sometimes we wear Ralph Lauren polos with Abercrombie jeans and listen to O.A.R.

Vampire Dance Party- It is in such poor taste to mock the living dead by portraying them all as blood-sucking creatures of the night who engage in techno-fueled orgies. Many of them are respectable members of society who don't cavort about in black leather sucking blood from unsuspecting strangers. All it takes is a popular movie like Blade to make people think that all vampires are ruthless blood-suckers that can tolertate Stephen Dorff. Coinicidentally, there is one of these parties scheduled at my school for next week.

Nazi Party - Seriously guys, this just isn't cool. A lot of people died because of them. Like, seriously, a lot. Why would you even think that's the least bit funny? And where would you even find uniforms that resemble SS uniforms? Oh, you found a place? How much? That's pretty reasonable...well, how much is a keg of cheap German beer? Wow, that's not bad either. And that would give me an excuse to wear my black boots...OK, sure, sounds good guys. How about next Friday at my place? Shotgun Hitler!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Feb 22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Sociopath's Guide to Valentine's Day

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Call Every Ex You've Ever Had - So you don't have a date for Valentine's Day. Big whoop. Just because you're sad and miserable on this romantic day doesn't mean you have to be the only one. Call all of your old girlfriends sometime in the early evening, preferably right before she is about to go on her hot, steamy date and inform each one that you still have feelings for her and that you are thinking about planning a trip to come see her. Remind her how great the times you had together were and that you're still really broken up over sodomizing her gerbil with toothpicks. After all, you were in a really weird place at that time in your life. Once she is thoroughly perplexed and angered, hurl an extremely vicious insult at her and hang up. Date ruined, mission accomplished.

Harass Couples on a Date - Drive around for a while and try to spot a couple in a car. Tailgate, honk, flash your brights; do whatever you can to put the man in the awkward spot of either going into a violent rage or seeming like a raging pussy. Either way he's shit outta luck and his ladyfriend will reconsider why she's with him in the first place. Then she'll remember that he's loaded. Fuckin golddigger.

Go to Dinner Alone - ...and have an accomplice inform you that your date died on her way to dinner. Make a big scene and go table to table lamenting the loss of your one true love. For an added bonus, show people the engagement ring you were planning on giving to her.

Shoot People - Like, seriously, a lot of people. Shoot them dead. That'll show them to be happy.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Feb 14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Dr. Seuss As A Pledge

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 13:30:00 EST

I cannot drink this Jaeger bomb,
I cannot drink one, Kegmeister Tom.

I cannot take one with a chaser,
I'd rather have a Mind Eraser.

I cannot take one with some cattle,
I'd rather my ass meet with the paddle.

If I had one it'd make me holler,
And likely turn down my pink popped collar.

I cannot drink it; hear my plea!
Just look at Moose; for nor can he!

We'll puke it out, so please don't pour us,
Just do us this solid, Brahzasaurus.

Think you can write a better poem than this one? Post it and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com. Each week we'll pick one poem to be featured in this spot. Put quill to scroll and get writing!

Check out past poems here.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Jan 25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:355/ts:33">Steve Horvath</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:602/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 34 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />