Dear Rich Kid Who Shops at Thrift Store,

I need to tell you that what you're doing completely defeats the purpose of the existence of a thrift store. These items are on sale for people who have a low, fixed income, not trustfund babies who grew up in Brookline and claim to be "from Boston."



Sorry, but buying back your old, middle school T-shirts - the ones that your mom donated last year - is neither cool nor retro.

That stain on the top of the left shoulder does not add flavor to your outfit nor does it represent your rebellious political ideology.

I get that you're trying not to come off as materialistic or whatever, but don't you think that you lose that a little bit when you wear your torn $2 suit jacket with Prada shoes made out of baby alligator skin and unused stem cells?

All I'm saying is that you're not fooling anybody. We know you're rich. Just wear J. Crew and be a douchebag so that the rest of us can hate you and get on with our lives. I'm tired of this moral ambiguity my conscience has had to endure because you suddenly thought plaid was cool again.

Love,
Neil

The author and playwright D.H. Lawrence famously said that one should, "Show, don't tell."

Kind of a hypocrite, huh? He should have shown us.

Look, I know you're like super famous now because you've been in Playboy but that doesn't mean that you can just forget your roots. I facebook friended you over eight months ago and yet when I go to look at your profile it tells me that we STILL have a pending friend request.

What's the deal Jenn? Are you too cool these days to just click confirm? You accepted my friend Saadon Davis' request a month and a half after he added you. Remember that? And he sounds like a terrorist. Cut a nice, Jewish boy from New Jersey some slack Jenn.

I'm not even asking for a friends details confirmation. I just want to browse through your pictures like every other male between the ages of 15 and 35. That's my right as a college student, and as an American.

So, please Jenn, if you ever come to Collegehumor and read this article, do me a favor and just click "confirm," and then "skip this step" next to my name when you log in to facebook.

Love,
Neil

Sure, on the surface they're just sugary delights, but breakfast cereals actually have a much deeper meaning when you deconstruct their real message.



1) Lucky Charms: "They're magically delicious?" Oh really? What's magically delicious you freaking leprechaun pervert. The people over at General Mills are obvious advocates of child predators and will most likely be seen on the next episode of "Dateline."

2) Trix: "Trix are for kids." You don't say. Now you're encouraging America's youth to forgo education in favor of a seedier lifestyle as a young prostitute turning tricks on the corner? Way to be a role model you sick, twisted bunny rabbit.

3) Rice Krispies: "Snap, crackle, pop." This is a clear allegory for a safe sex experience gone horribly awry. The subject snaps the condom on, crackles the wrapper, and proceeds to unknowingly spread his seed when his protection abruptly goes pop.

4) Kix: "Kid Tested, Mother Approved" AND Pops: "Gotta have my pops" : Freud would have had a field day with these two cereals. In their slogans we're witnessing a child's obvious Oedipal yearning for his mother's supple breast, and the unhealthy desire of a young girl to HAVE her father. On the other hand, however, it's not much different from any Disney movie ever.

Sometimes people will hire you or let you into Grad School if you're black. I just learned about this the other day, and it's called Affirmative Action.

Also, I found out yesterday that I am black. Well, I prefer to be called African American.

You see, as a Jew, or rather, one of the chosen people, my ancestors worked to build the pyramids in Egypt. Since Egypt happens to be in Africa and I now live, in America, I'm pretty freakin sure that makes me an African American.

Now, I don't want any special treatment or anything. I just ask that my Jewish brethren and I finally get our due. We have been overlooked at Investment Banking Jobs, Law Firms, and Hollywood Studios for too long. And when's the last time you saw a Jew get into an Ivy League school without having to pull some serious strings.

Thankfully, next time I have to fill out an application that asks my race, I can proudly check that box that says African-American.

"Honey, there's a great house on the market right next door to your fraternity. Your dad and I are thinking about buying it. Then we can see you all the time!"

"I was just showing Angie some baby photos of you bathing in the tub. We both laughed because she said your penis is still the same size."

"Oh no, Professor. All of his grandparents died over ten years ago. I don't understand how that could have possibly caused him to miss the midterm!"

"I think I just saw your mom doing the walk of shame."

"Uh, excuse me. Can you tell your father to stop streaking the quad?"

Technology really changes the way we live. I'm not talking about a person's essence. No matter how far technology may progress a creepy dude will still be creepy. Technology just changes the way we attain those same original goals.

I find that lately I have been neglecting my inclination toward drunk dialing in favor of the much less personal and much more antisocial practice of Drunk Facebook Poking.



There are a few rules that come with Drunk Poking though, so you have to be careful:

Rule 1: Drunk poking Ex-girlfriends is acceptable even if you have ignored her phone calls and emails for the last year and a half. Drunk poking is a much better and more convenient way to show her you care than responding via phone or face-to-face meeting.

Rule 2: Do NOT Drunk Poke your best friend's little sister. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but dude, she's eleven. Show some class. And remember, he has another sister in high school.

Rule 3: You may NOT Drunk Poke that lady who swipes your card at the dining hall. Just because the school gave her an email account does not qualify her as a valid member of your college community. And while you may think that her hairy mole builds character when you're wasted, you'll regret it in the morning.

Everyone else is fair game. But be careful. And remember, you're the one who will have to live with those awkward smirks you'll get from the 350 pound girl in the library because you thought it was such a good idea to poke her last Thursday night.

The great American author James Baldwin once stated in defense of what he called Black English that humans, "evolve a language in order to
describe and thus control their circumstances."

In some situations this may prove beneficial and therepeutic for various segments of society. Today, however, we are faced with a darker, far more harmful dialect that is evolving in sorority houses around the nation as we speak. I am talking about Abbrevs, which, if you don't speak stupid, stands for Abbreviations.

It is really a bigger problem than you might even suspect. Here, try decoding this sentence spoken almost entirely in abbrevs by a college coed just the other day:

"Well, me and the wem, were drinkin the vod on fri, and Tracy got a little belig, and started to M.O. on Ali's bo, which is so ridick, so we had to have a convo, before Ali got word of it, and went FT. You know, friendship terminated?"�

I know it's tough to stomach. I just threw up all over my new futon. But we have to know the enemy if we're ever going to bring them down. We used to only have to worry about use of words like "Awesome" or "Radical" each popularized by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

But now we are dealing with a far more covert and nefarious operation. Here are some of the most common words and phrases (along with their meanings) that are infecting sorority girls today.

BFF - outsiders interpret it as Best Friends Forever, but when sorority girls use the word BFF they actually mean: a girl who I once met at a party and found out I hooked up with her cousin; Example: "Oh my God, Alison and I are like BFF."

Alternate meanings for BFF include

1) A girl whom you are nice to in public but secretly gossip about to everyone you know; Example: "Oh my God, Allison and I are so BFF." Note the subtle difference in usage and how it can spawn an entirely different meaning.

2) a guy who I'm never going to sleep with; Example: "Mike is such a great friend. We're BFF!"

DTE - intended to mean "Down to Earth" - Ironically the girls using this term almost always reside on an entirely different planet

Def - shortened form of definitely this actually means "not in a million years." Example: "Oh you're having a party tonight? That's so great! I'll def be there!"

More definitions to come.