So, like, do people actually like Chuck Norris or is this whole thing some sort of a joke at his expense? Somebody help me, I'm so confused.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 3. Heart Disease 2. Cancer 1. Chuck Norris

In every film or TV show there always exist certain plausibility issues that we often never notice or just decide to overlook. But lately, these gaping holes in my childhood TV and movie-viewing experience have been bothering me to no end. Seriously. I can't sleep. It's bad. So, let me just get these off my chest:

Gaping Plot Holes:



1) Donna Martin Graduate: Does anyone else find it hard to believe that the entire student body gives a flying fuck if Tori Spelling can't walk with her graduating class, or even if she gets expelled. The girl had three friends. How does everyone know her all of a sudden? You're right. They don't. Did Aaron Spelling pay someone off again?



2) Chasing Amy: Is Ben Affleck really so charming with that backwards baseball cap and scruffy beard that it could entice a fervent lesbian to turn straight for two months just to be with him?



3) Remember when they switched moms on Fresh Prince and nobody noticed? Or when they switched Morgan the little sister on Boy Meets World with an older, more annoying blonde actress? Or when Little Richie and Judy from Family Matters just disappeared?



4) Did it bother anyone else when Kelly Kapowski and Jesse Spano were substituted for a tom-boy named Tori and no one ever spoke of them again, until they returned for the graduation episode of Saved By the Bell?



5) James Bond is supposed to be the best spy in the world and yet he tells everyone his full name. "Bond. James Bond." Wouldn't he be in the witness protection program by now? Seriously dude, it's called an alias. Try it.

Today, I thought we'd discuss hygiene. I think that all of us have these weird little quirks about cleanliness and our bodies that seem completely normal to us behind closed doors, but that we would never actually want to share with anyone out loud. I figure since I'm already pretty awkward, I might as well just let you further into my twisted little world.

My freshman year of college was my first experience ever with shower shoes. Having always walked around my house barefoot, I didn't really see the need, but I trusted my mother's judgment that "dorms are dirty and you need to wear sandals."� It wasn't until the fourth week of school though when I bemoaned the futility of this product to a friend, that I learned that these flip-flops are not just used for walking to and from the shower, but are actually to be worn while showering. My eyes widened in disbelief. "It makes a lot more sense now,"� I said. .

When we got back from the bars one night my friend Saadon was hungry and headed straight for the campus center. He ran into a girl he knew who happened to be eating fried rice. When he asked for a bite, Saadon could tell she was reluctant so he blurted out, "It's OK. I just got tested."� Not knowing what tests he was referring to, the girl gave him her rice anyway and said that she would be right back. He took a few bites and when he wasn't hungry anymore decided he would throw it in the trash. When the girl returned and asked where her food went, he simply shrugged his shoulders, smirked, and ran home.

It really bothers me when people ask for a sip of my drink and when I give them some they flip my straw so the part where my mouth touched is inside the drink. Hey, buddy, my beverage, my sanitation regulations.

I think all college students are selectively germaphobic. I say this because we are capable of playing a game where the object is to throw a ping-pong ball that has been rolling around on a wet, dirty floor, into a cup of three-day old beer, and if it lands inside, chug the beer. And yet when we have a taste of our friend's calzone we make sure to eat the side that he hasn't bitten yet.

I have this predisposition toward a unibrow but I have never shaved it off. Living with two younger sisters has taught me the importance of tweezing. I'm not embarrassed to share this information with you, although I will say that the first time someone walks in on you using a small, metal tool to pull hairs one-by-one off of your forehead, you do feel like less of a man, even if just for an instant.

At two in the morning once I tried to buy a slice of pizza from a vendor in Faneuil Hall. I was excited because I got the last slice, but when I went to pay my friend Eni pointed out that it "looked bitten."� I told the vendor I wasn't going to take the slice and he flipped out. "It's not bitten. That's how it came out,"� he said. I tried my best to reason with him, but he just kept shouting at me, until finally he yelled, "OK, try getting out of Faneuil Hall without paying. Just try."� When I mentioned that we could bring a police officer over to the stand to settle the whole thing the guy just looked me square in the eyes and said, "I am a cop."� I walked off, got into a cab, and drove home. I think he won the argument, but I still believe he was the worst undercover cop ever.

I hate shaking hands with someone right after I've washed my hands in the bathroom. I always feel the need to justify the wetness by uttering that "it's just water, I swear."� And in reality, this is the cleanest handshake most of these people will have all day, since I just took the time to antibacterialize. Still, I think from now on though, whenever I get into a situation like this again, I'm just going to say, "It's OK. I just got tested."�

Writing a column about being awkward at Tufts, has led many students to approach me with awkward situations they've been through themselves. If you'd like to see these in print in the "Man, YOU'RE Awkward,"� edition, please email me at Neilpadover@gmail.com And let me know if you want to be anonymous. Because if I say you're name and you didn't want me to, that could get awkward.

The media is buzzing about rumors of a book to be penned by O.J. Simpson which will tentatively be titled, "If I Did it: Here's How it Happened."

Any true-blooded American knows this work will no doubt be a complete work of fiction. Everyone knows O.J. didn't do it. Otherwise the book would be called, "I DID IT: Here's How it Happened." And that's not the title, people.



And remember, he's the one who was out there on the streets of Brentwood, day in and day out, searching for the "real killers." Maybe he even spoke to them in detail and that's where he got the idea for this book. I don't know. I'm not a pundit. I can only speculate.

What I do know is that this excerpt I landed is sick. Please read it.



"And then I would have taken two black gloves and put them on my hands while I would have waited outside Nicole's house. That way I would have eliminated any possibility for fingerprints on the knife that I would have used if I would have killed her. Then I would have waited for Ron Goldman and her to come out of the house.

And then I stabbed her in the throat and watched her bleed pools upon pools of blood. I mean I WOULD HAVE stabbed her in the throat and I'm sure that it would have probably maybe been very bloody. If I had done it. Which I did not. So I don't know. I'm just guessing here. And I'm gonna guess that when I would have stabbed Ron Goldman I would have wiped this eery smirk off his face. Then I would have told Kato to stop off and get some more burgers at McDonalds because I would have been famished...had I committed the crimes. Because that shit takes a lot out of you."

Be original! Follow this template!

So, I guess you're wondering why I never actually took you to dinner like I said I would. Instead of calling you up to explain, I figured I'd take the low road and just post the reasons on College Humor instead.

A) I was very, very drunk when I said I would take you to dinner.

B) At the time I was trying to sleep with you.

C) Having completed B, I decided that you could probably use a little bit less eat time, and a tad more gym time. However, if we are ever together during scenario A again, I'd say, "How about we go upstairs and maybe we'll hit up Olive Garden next week?"

My friend Pete thinks that kids who used to bring Lunchables to school had parents who didn't care about them.

In case you haven't heard yet, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld decided to resign today. Republican and Democrats alike are in a panic trying to fill his position immediately. It's like we're in a war or something.



Here are the top five candidates in the running:



1) Donald Duck: because the shit he says makes about just as much sense as anything Rumsfeld has ever uttered.



2) Your girlfriend: in case we want an on-again, off-again relationship with the war and Iraqis where we finally decide that it's just not working out and we're better off leaving and giving them some space



3) Ari Gold: because he could close the deal in Iraq with ancillary products like action figures and fast-food endorsements



4) Ryan Seacrest: just to prove a point that even he is less of a douchebag than Rumsfeld



5) Ray Lewis: because if anyone knows about Defense, it's this guy

Hey yo, Freddie Prinze Junior and Sarah Michelle Gellar,

Did you hear that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philipee are splitting up? Yeah, I know. It's really fucked up. But you're the most comparable couple. You both have moderatley successful careers in Hollywood and are extremely good-looking. So when are you gonna get divorced? Call me Nostradamas, but I'm gonna say sometime within the next two years. I'll put ten bucks down on that. I'm a gambler, what can I say?



^ They're done, son.