Dear U.S. Government,

I think Christmas should be held on the last Monday of December every year.

If you do the research you'll see that December 25th wasn't actually Jesus' real birthday so you're not committing a sin.

And at least this way everyone can always count on a three day weekend.

Thanks,
Neil

Rocky Balboa opens in a few days, so I thought it might be appropriate to compare the new fighter with the old. Let's see how Rocky 2006 measures up.

Rocky 1976 was a boxing underdog:::Rocky 2006's most strenous exercise
is walking his dogs

Rocky 1976 yells "Adrian!" to get her attention:::Rocky 2006 yells
"Adrian" because she is now hard of hearing

Rocky 1976 was looking to make a comeback:::Rocky 2006 has back problems

Rocky 1976 got Frank Stallone work in Hollywood:::Rocky 2006 knows
that even Frank thinks this is a stupid idea

Rocky 1976 fought Apollo Creed:::Rocky 2006 fought a bad case of arthritis

Rocky 1976 lasted all 15 rounds:::Rocky 2006 audience loses interest
after 15 minutes

These things are getting really personal.

1) Freshman Me! Listen! You have to break up with Tracy! Yes, yes, I know the sex is great. But she's insane. Seriously, you can do it now, or you can wait till Junior year when she shows up at your apartment with an engagement ring, the names of your future children, and a list of the schools you're allowed to apply to for grad school. Fine, you can have break up sex. Just do it, OK?

2) Don't do any of the readings for Astronomy. Your professor is going to lose the grade book at the end of the semester and give everyone A's. Seriously, you have a lot more important things to do. Like break up with Tracy.

3) I know you think all the guys in Sigma Nu are super cool and that's the frat you wanna join. Don't do it. They're gonna make you fuck a goat. What? No, I didn't do it. I walked out. (Silence) OK, yeah I did it. And it sucked. So please, just join the dorky frat down the street. They actually get cool senior year when everyone else is shut down.

4) Don't do the reading for European History. The professor has a nervous breakdown three days before the final. What? Oh yeah, he's fine now. I mean he still talks to himself around campus and... Hey you're getting me off track. Listen Me From The Past, you're gonna get an A.

5) OK, most importantly, on the night of December 13th, 2003 you will get very, very intoxicated. Your best friend's little sister will be visiting that weekend. You won't know how it happens, everything will just kind of be moving very quickly, but you will end up making out with her. Now she's a very sensitive girl with a high moral code, and that's why I'm telling you -- this time -- bring a condom.

On Friday, December 8th, the BBC reported this story:

"A survey of more than 1000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men."

Maybe this can be their stereotype from now on.

news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6161691.stm

10 minutes A.D. - "Jesus is...gone. (Awkward pause) Wanna get a cup of coffee?"
Location: A mile west of the big cross near the Chapel
Dress: Like a pauper. Vanity is so 10 B.C.
RSVP: To Judas at 555-EXBFF or Mary Magdelene at 555-HOT-ASS
Wine and crackers will be served.

1840s Plantation Party - "Everybody wear Hanes because the cotton should flow like wine. No books or shoes allowed for non-white guests."
Location: On the lawn
Dress: To impress. A lot of important politician's daughters will be there.
RSVP: Call William Bradford Quincy Jefferson IV to confirm attendance (if you're white).

1340s Plague Party - "Bring home a lucky lady before she dies from the plague!"
Location: All over campus.
Dress: Whatever you've got man. People are dying out here. We don't have much time.
RSVP: Let Melanie know if you're coming so she can make some snacks that curb the whole death thing.

1912! - "A party of Titanic proportions!"
Location: The abandoned boat on the creek behind the Student Center.
Dress: Like a baller...for 1912. Newsies hats, trenchcoats, cigars.
Women: clothing optional - there will be a free sketch artist on call.
RSVP: I have this sinking feeling no one is going to show up.

Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby was pitched to movie studio executives with six words: WILL FERRELL AS A NASCAR DRIVER.

Will Ferrell is such a bankable star that it seems all you need to do to get a movie made is go to a meeting and say the words: Will Ferrell as a...and then add any noun in the English Language.

For instance:

Will Ferrell as a Mexican Day Laborer

Will Ferrell as a lamp shade

Will Ferrell as a disgruntled deli clerk

Will Ferrell as a fire hydrant

Will Ferrell as a schizophrenic taxi driver

Will Ferrell as a streaker (so basically, every other Will Ferrell movie ever made)

Some racist stuff happened at my school last week and people are outraged, as they very well should be. They're staging protests, and sit-ins, and talks with the administration. These are all constructive solutions.

But one guy at the ralley screamed that he wanted an "end to all isms." And everybody cheered him on. But personally I think this is a really drastic and unnecessary response.

I mean, what would the world be like without ANY isms? Here's a list of all the great things we'd be missing out on:

Semitism: That's right my friend. In trying to rid the world of racism you got rid of the ability to be Jewish. Who is going to do your taxes now, or produce your short film, or get your delinquent son acquitted of drug possession? That's what I thought. Shut up.

Alcoholism: Basically this guy is saying he wants to do away completely with college, and I'm sorry but higher education is very much a part of what makes America great

Voyeurism: How are we ever going to be able to peek into the girls' locker room without their knowledge unless this concept exists? It's just not feasible.

Plagiarism: This is actually a good one because now I can get my papers done in three minutes. Copy, paste, and print. Oh wait, can't forget the heading.

Journalism: This is another good one. There are all these rules with newspapers that things have to be "factual." God, don't they know that all truth is relative? You know what ISM HATER you might be onto something here.

Fuck ISMs! Free Yayo.

Do you remember when you were a little kid? I'm talking like seven or eight years old and you discovered you had a little twig and berries? And that Suzie Q had something different?



We used to ask each other trick questions, like:
Are you P.T.?
-Yes.
-Haha. You're a Pregnant Teenager.

OR

-No.
-Haha. You're not potty-trained.



Our most astute practical joke, however, would probably involve asking a girl if she had a pencil. If she said yes, we would laugh because she clearly has a penis. If she said no we would still laugh because she has no penis and sucks at sports. Teachers would overhear this and send us to the principal's office. Our parents would be called. We'd be told that we're immature and that we have to grow up.

But now that I'm in college and I'm taking classes on the theories of cinema and gender and life and all this abstract stuff, they're suddenly singing a different tune. All of a sudden my professor is showing us a clip from a 1950s film where the banana is supposed to represent the phallic object, the penis a woman will never possess, relegating her to a position of subordination for what has been the greater portion of human history.

And all I can think is, "I'm paying $160,000 for this? I knew that shit in 3rd grade."