Son: Hey dad. This is John. He’s on my basketball team.
Dad: Oh, great. That is so fat that you guys ball together. I used to have so many hoop dreams when I was your age.
Son: I thought you wanted to be an accountant, dad.
Dad: True that, son. True that.
John: Nice to meet you, Mr. Peterson.
Dad: Word. Better yet: Phrase.
John: Huh?
Dad: Exactly. You are my dog.
Son: Dad, what the hell are you talking about?
Dad: Check it out, son. I got this new Nintendo Wheat System.
Son: It’s called a Wii. Pronounced “Wee.”
Dad: Oh, fat. Fat. So, what’s up for tonight? Are you boys going to be hollering at some shorties?
Son: No, dad. We’re going to the mall to see “Smokin’ Aces.”
Dad: Oh, phrase, phrase. Jeremy Piven is the bag of chips. He was great in “Serendipity” even though he only had a supporting role. Do you like John Cusack, John?
John: Uh…I guess, sure.
Dad: You two have the same name. That’s mad weird.
Son: OK, we have to leave.
Dad: Where are you going?
Son: I think I’m gonna apply to be an emancipated minor.
Dad: PHRASE! Ring me later dogs!

These are three facts from the Trivia Section of Robert DeNiro's Biography:

His performance as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull (1980) is ranked #10 on Premiere Magazine's 100 Greatest Performances of All Time (2006).

His performance as Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver (1976) is ranked #42 on Premiere Magazine's 100 Greatest Performances of All Time (2006).

His performance as Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver (1976) is ranked #22 on Premiere Magazine's 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time.

Tonight is the State of the Union address. But...it's also Tuesday.

Don't let your desire to be politically informed affect your desire to be drunk by 9:30pm.

Here's what you do:

Every time that Bush says nucular, God Bless America, terrorist,
or blinks more thank 4 times at once, take a sip of your non-American beer.

And remember, enjoy it while it lasts. Because after college, it's called alcoholism.

[Disclaimer: The above quote was stolen from some girl I met freshman year. I don't remember who she was though. I was probably drunk when we met.]

1) Your Wife. Well, Mr. Robinson, it's funny you should ask. Just the other day I
was contemplating my plans for after commencement and I decided that I
would have an affair with your emotionally and sexually unsatisfied
wife. Then, after that sours, I thought I would pursue a relationship
with your daughter Elaine who attends UC Berkeley, and ultimately
marry her without your consent. All of this will be set to an
exquisite soundtrack played by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle.

2) Poet Laureate. Oh. I'm so glad you asked. I actually was thinking about becoming a poet. That way once my shift is up at Starbucks, I can just throw my
apron on the couch and start writing with a free biscotti and Grande
Chai Latte in my hand.

3) Since I'm from New Jersey, I decided I might go into Waste Management. You know, you have a really nice store here. It would be a shame if somebody just burned it down one night. I heard someone wanted to do that. I mean, not me. But this guy I know. But I think I can stop him. Just give me $10,000 this month and I'll give it to him to make sure he doesn't do it.  Really, they're animals out there.

1. I have never seen Zoolander.
2. I sometimes put toilet paper over the seat but then leave it there for the next person.
3. I have logged into someone else's Webmail at school inadvertently and then proceeded to read an email that looked interesting.
4. Sometimes I pretend like I'm in a competition with Steve Horvath over who has more Collegehumor updates. But he doesn't know we're competing so it's really just me looking to see who has written more. As of today, 50-49, me.
5. I have intentionally taken longer than necessary to respond to an IM so that the person I was talking to thought I was busy talking to other people.
6. I sometimes order a Diet Coke at a bar when I don't feel like drinking, and later tell my friends its a rum and coke. When they taste it I agree that it's really watered down.