Trim Spa: Howard K. Stern?
Howard K. Stern: Yeah, hi. Who are you?
Trim Spa: Hey, I'm Trim Spa. We met a few years ago. You probably don't remember me, you were pretty coked up at the time.
Howard K. Stern: Oh right. I recall now. You're Article 15.
Trim Spa: What?
Howard K. Stern: Sorry, article 15 is the 10% of Anna Nicole's $250 million dollar estate.
Trim Spa: OK, whatever. Listen, I kind of have a small favor to ask.
Howard K. Stern: What is it?
Trim Spa: Well, listen. There's been a lot of rumors floating around, some speculation, about how Anna really died.
Howard K. Stern: Right, I think I may have heard about that.
Trim Spa: Yeah, anyway. Our stock has just really plummetted because some people are blaming Anna's death on Trim Spa.
Howard K. Stern: That's definitely not true.
Trim Spa: Oh good, we're on the same page. Which brings me to my next question...you think maybe you could tell people that I didn't have anything to do with this whole mess?
Howard K. Stern: What? That's absurd. I had nothing to do with Daniel or Anna's deaths.
Trim Spa: What? I never said that. I didn't even mention Daniel, Howard.
Howard K. Stern: That's preposterous that you would even suggest I might be planning young Danielynn's murder once I gain custody of her and full control of the estate.
Trim Spa: Uh...yeah...I didn't say that either. You know what? I think I gotta go.
Howard K. Stern: But maybe I can help you. Maybe I can tell you who's really responsible.
Trim Spa: That's OK. I think I'm all good. I got it. Thanks.

Story by Neil Padover and Dan Patack

My alarm goes off. I hit snooze. It goes off again, this time surprising me a little, so I jump up.

Me: Gee, I'm surprised. Almost as surprised as the little boy asleep in his bed when he woke up and saw Dwight sitting in a rocking chair in his room, all while Michael, Jan, Jim, and Karen were downstairs talking to the big corporate people.

I get up and go to the bathroom.

Me: Wow, being in the bathroom reminds me of The Office last night when Jan, in a fit of passion, asked Michael to throw her up against the bathroom wall and have his way with her while at the party. Too bad he told her it was inappropriate and they had their "first fight."

I put on pants.

Me: Hmmm, putting on clothes is the opposite of what Carla was doing last night when she was helping Turk study so that he could impress Dr. Cox since his broken arm forced him to abandon surgery for a month and hang out with the interns.

I stare at my Garden State DVD.

Me: Oh golly, I almost forgot. I've got to bring that movie back to Blockbuster. Isn't it funny that Kenny the cop had a cameo in tonight's Scrubs episode! My friend IMDB told me that Michael Weston -- that's the actor's name -- is good college buddies with Zach Braff. Wow. I hope one day I can have cameos in all of my friends' movies and TV shows!

I throw a glass at my mirror.

Me: I'm not even sure why I just did that, but it bears eerie similarity to when Roy threw a glass at the mirror in a bar because Pam told him that she kissed Jim a month before they were supposed to get married.

Watch out Jim! Roy is going to kill you! He said so in the last minute of the show.

Also, Dwight is hosting SNL on Saturday. That wasn't in the show, just a commercial. But it's still relevant.

Upon returning to my house tonight off-campus I saw a sidewalk soaked from melted snow with one dry spot in the shape of a swoosh. Seems to me like the Big Guy has some sort of endorsement deal with Nike.

George Washington: Oh, wow. My birthday is coming up. February 22nd. I would have been two-hundred and seventy years old this year.
Abraham Lincoln: That's great, George. Do you have anything to say to me?
George: What are you talking about?
Abe: I don't know. Just maybe something that happened a few days ago.
George: Dude, you're gonna have to spell it out.
Abe: My birthday was on February 12th George. You never said anything. You never gave me a gift or a card.
George: Oh jeez Abe. I'm sorry, man. But you know February is kind of my month.
Abe: First of all, that's just not even true. February is Black History Month.
George: Don't even try to pin that on me Mr. Emancipation Proclamation.
Abe: No, George! You're missing the point! All I want is a little recognition. What if we have a joint birthday party this year? We can celebrate it on the third Monday of February this year and in all subsequent years too!
George: I don't know Abe. Why does my birthday always have to be on a Monday? Everyone hates Mondays.
Abe: Yeah, but George. If we don't do it this way, it will really disrupt the work week. Come on, stop being unpatriotic.
George: You're right. Having holidays on the days they actually occur is as un-American as Al-Qaeda or Barack Obama.
Abe: Actually Barack Obama is American. He's running for President.
George: Whatever. I'm still on the one dollar bill bitches!

 Commenter 1: Way to represent community colleges everywhere.
edit: oops. Community colleges still suck though.

Commenter 2: I like community college. I get to live at home for free, I get to sleep in MY bed after a party, and my scholarship money covers tuition and books because community college is cheap. Eat shit, kumahi!

3rd Party Who Just Felt Like Steppin' In: its still community college I'm sure the guy from Howard is going to get the job over you, and that's what matters right?

Me: Hey GW, what's up?
Global Warming: Um...nothing. Just been kinda layin' low lately.
Me: Yeah, seriously. I haven't seen you in what...like 2 months? Where have you been?
GW: Well, I've been really busy, man.
Me: Too busy to return my calls? Or my IMs? Or my Facebook messages?
GW: Listen dude. Get off my back.
Me: I just don't get it. We used to be friends Global Warming. Remember this past December. When it was 65 degrees out when it should have been snowing. I know that was because of you. And I loved you for it.
GW: Well that's what's wrong with this world. Everybody wants something from me. They only love me when I'm destroying the Ozone layer. What about my needs? Don't you think I need a vacation every once and a while. Besides, there are plenty of things you can do in the cold.
Me: Like?
GW: Skiing.
Me: I don't ski.
GW: Dammit Neil. Do you even want to make this work? What's gonna happen this summer huh? When I'm so busy making the east coast 110 degrees? Is that gonna be too hot for you? I just can't win can I?
Me: You know what? I think we should see other people.
GW: Fine. Then I guess this is a good time to tell you I've been sleeping with a tornado.
Me: I figured as much. Slut.

This is straight from "Blackinthecity.net" a blog which discusses social and political issues affecting African-Americans.

 

Brosef! What’s up? Yo, did you hear about this new show, Scrubs? Dude, it’s so funny. It’s got that dude from Garden State, Zach Braff, only he’s not all depressed and everything in the show. Oh man, and he bones the hottest bitches. He bones Heather Graham, man. Well, almost. Remember when Heather Graham was in Swingers? Yeah she wasn’t as hot back then, but that’s cause her career hadn’t really taken off yet.

 And they have this guy on the show, Dr. Cox. Bro. He is the shit. He just doesn’t take anybody’s crap. He’s so funny. He’s always like, “Hey Barbie” – that’s what he calls the girl doctor – so he’s like, “Hey Barbie, why don’t you get me some coffee?” I mean, he says funnier stuff than that, but it’s so good.

Then, there’s the janitor guy who they just call janitor, which is really funny, because it’s a play on how like people in the lower class don’t have a real identity so they just call them by their job description. Kinda like in Austin Powers 3 when Michael Caine was all, “Do you know how many anonymous henchman I’ve killed over the years? You don’t even have a nametag, you don’t stand a chance.” Bro, Austin Powers. How come Mike Myers stopped doing movies? Oh, yeah, you’re right. Shrek. I mean real movies though.

Oh sick, there’s another Scrubs re-run coming on Comedy Central bro. I’m gonna go get some lube and watch it in my living room. What? No, I didn’t say anything.