The Pentagon is seeking an additional $100 billion to finance the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. And that’s just the money they need for the next three months. Regardless of your position on the war I think it’s abundantly clear that there are way more creative ways to spend that kind of money this summer.

Here are just a few other things you could do with $100 billion:

1. Purchase all of the tickets to "Pirates of the Caribbean 3" and laugh as people ponder how it could be the highest grossing film of all time yet somehow no one has ever seen it
2. Buy 100 billion Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers to feed all of Africa and still have a few left over for you and your date, Nicole Richie
3. Light dog crap on fire in a paper-bag and leave it on Bill Gates’ doorstep with a note explaining that you now own him
4. Finance the biggest episode in the Prank War series entitled “Streeter and Amir on Mars”
5. Buy 14 billion kegs for the biggest summer blowout in history (world wide kegger). Remember prohibition? How boring and depressed everyone was? Well, once the Sunnis and Shiites see how funny everyone gets when they’re drunk they’ll probably forget about this whole Civil War thing.
   

Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all, sorry I didn't make it to graduation. I guess I sort of got cold feet and decided it was best to just jet to Europe. Secondly, I'm really sorry about not telling you. Equally sorry about the search party you sent out to look for me, and all the money you spent putting up fliers and sending out that blimp with my picture on it and a hotline to call with any tips. Gotta admit, I saw that on the news and thought it was pretty hysterical. Must've really set you back. God knows you guys are hurting for money enough as it is, ever since dad got laid off. Seriously dad, pretty dick to get fired when you know I have student loans to pay off.

I want you to know that even though I gave up that job at the hedgefund I am putting my degree to good use. Remember that minor in Event Planning that you guys just laughed off? Well, yours truly just planned a pretty successful pub crawl from Madrid all the way to Salamanca. Yeah, I'm pretty much the man here. Which reminds me, the ladies think I'm the American prince. But royalty gotta have that paper to spend on the honeys, you know what I'm saying dad? Oh wait, I forgot. You hate money. That's why you got fired. Just kidding. But seriously, mom, what are you still doing with this guy?

Anyway, I feel like I'm really discovering myself out here. Last night when I was macking this chick at El Capital I felt like my soul crept out of my body and danced around the room, searching...longing for something. You like that shit? Intro to Poetry. I got tons of that stuff I've been writing on mountains and shit, while I hike through aquaducts and whatever.

Also, don't be alarmed if you see some unknown withdrawals from your account. I was in a pinch in Amsterdam and needed to pay for some uh...doritos. A few hundred dollars worth of Doritos. It might say Hash on the receipt but that's a mixup. Just ignore it.

P.S. The food sucks here. Send me Skittles.

Your beloved son,
Stevey Douchetronowitz

1. Have sex with Paris Hilton without any risk of contracting Herpes
2. March through Harlem with Michael Richards and Don Imus
3. Go hunting with Dick Cheney
4. Cheat on Princess Peach guilt free
5. Undergo a triple bypass surgery performed by Dr. Jessica Simpson

Talking about sex with your parents is uncomfortable enough, but just imagine how bad it could be if your mom or dad is a professional. Luckily, Collegehumor uncovered the secret audio tapes of certain high profile “birds and the bees” discussions. I have transcribed them here for your reading pleasure:

Martin: Right.

Sigmund Freud: You see, these are all very natural feelings and you should not be ashamed of them. Do you understand?

Martin: I think so.

Sigmund Freud: Good. Now when you fantasize about your mother in bed, how does that make you feel?

Martin: Wait…what?!

Sigmund Freud: You know, when you’re…I mean when you beat the meat and you’re thinking about your mother…

OK, hold on dad. That’s f***ed up. I don’t think about mom in that way.

Sigmund Freud: It’s alright son. Everyone does it. I’m not mad. I just need you to open up about your feelings. You know your grandmother used to be a pretty attractive woman herself many years ago…

Martin: Dad, I told you I’m not talking to you when you’re on coke.

Sigmund Freud: Where are you going?
[sound of door slamming]