CollegeHumor: User 356's Articles

Your Random Hook-Up Translated

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 14:48:47 -0400

Don't worry, we just broke up.

We're going to break up once he/she finds out about this.

I need to wake up early.

You need to leave after I'm done.

Have you been tested?

You should probably go get tested now.

Last night was kind of a blur, huh?

You looked a lot better at the bar.

We should hang out again.

We should hook up again.

I definitely feel a spark between us.

What's your name again?

Can you put your number in my phone?

What's your name again?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-03 14:48:47 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 78 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Tyson's Choice

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:03:03 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751568">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Dear Beechwood State - RE: Brian Ackerson's Acceptance

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 08:26:23 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> To Whom It May Concern in the Admissions Office of Beechwood State University:

I am writing to provide supplementary information for one of your recently accepted students, Brian Ackerson. I am sure that your staff in the admissions office is nothing but skilled at determining which potential applicants would make great contributions to your University, however, I have to say that in this case you were gravely wrong. Having known Brian for the past sixteen years, and serving as his resident best friend up until just last week I feel extremely qualified to be testifying to his character.

Firstly, Brian is a notorious bed wetter. He has been able to keep it under wraps for quite some time as the problem only afflicts him at night while asleep. I fear, however, that should Brian share a dorm with another student, and for instance share a bunk bed with said student at Beechwood, this would surely create urine stained havoc for all parties involved.

When Brian and I were in the third grade he forgot to study for an important math test featuring all of the multiplication tables. So he cheated. He pulled out his flash cards from his backpack, placed them inside his desk, and cheated. Like an animal.

Also, when Brian and I were five years old he pushed me off the monkey bars causing me to withstand a very badly scraped knee which required two bandaids. Not only did Brian fail to apologize but after he pushed me he whispered in my ear that he was a communist. And that he was involved in JFK's assassination. And I think Abraham Lincoln's.

I am aware how all of this sounds. With a little research you may even hear other parties telling you that I have some sort of axe to grind, and that this is the reason for my letter. Nothing could be further from the truth. I assure you with the utmost confidence that Brian's recent make-out session with my ex-girlfriend Suzie Porchnik, a girl who I dated for three and a half years, and whom I was madly in love with, and who, realistically speaking Brian should have known to stay away from, even if we had decided to break up after the summer - I assure you this has nothing to do with my letter.

I trust you will make the right decision in withdrawing Brian Ackerson's acceptance to your University and in never making him your best friend since, clearly, he has zero track record when it comes to trust.

Thank you for your time,

Alan Smilovitz

P.S. Could you send me a Beechwood sweatshirt? Go Cougars!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Perez Hilton Blogs Through History

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 12:22:05 -0500

Seriously...we will buy you a cheeseburger

Arrested again?? Next time you should protest bad fashion instead of suffrage

Further in the closet than last year's puffy white wigs...blech

The titanic pics we got yesterday...drama queens...get over yourself and your publicity starved selves and start paddling

This is just awful...he was such a great P(e)REZ...haha...LOL bitches

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Clintons Are At It Again

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 14:34:03 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-05 14:34:03 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Former Contestant On MTV's "Next"

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 08:50:37 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Brandon walks into his favorite restaurant Picante del Sol.

Maitre d': Yes sir, how can I help you?

Brandon: What's up? I'm Brandon, a twenty one year old surfer who spends my time riding the waves and straight up chillin'. I love classic cars and I'm looking for a girl who can keep up with all my fast turns.

Maitre d': Yes, that's terrific sir. How many will I be seating?

Brandon: Just me. I'm meeting someone Holmes.

The Maitre d' shows Brandon to his table where Lydia is already seated.

Lydia: Hi, I'm Lydia. It's so great to finally meet y...

Brandon: NEXT!

Lydia: What?

Brandon: Lydia, if I wanted a girl who could speak I would have asked Helen Keller out on a date.

Lydia: Huh? That's doesn't even really make sense.

Brandon: NEXT!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-01 08:50:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

John Mayer's 10 Year Reunion

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 09:07:44 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Ted: Definitely. I can't believe it's been ten years already.

Brian: We sure had some good times back in high school.

Lydia: Oh no.

Ted: What?

Lydia: Look who just burst through the double doors.

Brian: Is that...John Mayer? Standing on a table?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-22 09:07:44 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 20 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Verona: Based on a True Story

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 12:26:41 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Juliet stands waiting by her window while a swift breeze blows by.

Juliet: Romeo, O Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: Hey, I'm down here. Will you shut up? You're gonna wake up the whole neighborhood.

Juliet: I can't but keep my lips silent yet another minute as I am full to the brim of your sweet love and tender sword.

Romeo: Yeah...uh...last night was a lot of fun.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How I Met Your Mother

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 10:18:30 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jeremy and his parents are sitting at the kitchen table over dinner during winter break.

Mom: It's so good to have you home Jeremy.

Jeremy: Yeah, OK.

Dad: You're making a lot of friends at school son?

Jeremy: Yeah, actually...there's something I want to tell you.

Mom: What is it?

Jeremy: I met someone.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-12-11 10:18:30 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Lesser Known Lists By Oskar Schindler

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:20:50 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-27 13:20:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Kid Who Grew Up Without a TV

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:28:06 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jesse: So, I was watching the Disney Channel last night...

Roger: Wow. Don't even talk to me.

Jesse: Dude, they have re-runs of Boy Meets World. Shut up.

Roger: Oh, for real?

Jesse: Yeah, so good.

Roger: Man, I used to have the biggest crush on Topanga.

Jesse: Yeah, love those DSL's.

Roger: Oh and so funny how Mr. Feeney followed the kids to college. I mean so unrealistic but like they had to do it y'know?

Jesse: Oh totally.

Amos approaches the guys.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-16 17:28:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

People Who Won't Be Celebrating All Souls Day Tomorrow

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 14:07:47 -0400

Lucifer

Geraldo Rivera

White R&B Singers

Carlos Mencia

Suri Cruise

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-01 14:07:47 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Never Before Seen: Back To The Future - 1st Draft

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 09:41:50 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Many people know that actor Eric Stoltz, originally cast as Marty McFly in the film "Back to the Future" was replaced by Michael J. Fox after only four weeks of shooting. According to recently uncovered documents, however, that wasn't the only change that was made.
_____________________________________________________________

BACK TO THE FUTURE - FIRST DRAFT

INT. DOC BROWN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SUPER - 1955

Doc: But how did you get here?

Marty: I came from the future in the time machine you built, Doc.

Doc: Great scott! The flux capacitor. It works! I knew it! It works Marty!

Marty: Yeah, that's great.

Doc: Well, we've got to get enough fuel to get this old De Lorean powered up. So we can send you back to the future!

Marty: Yeah, actually I don't really think that'll be necessary.

Doc: What?

Marty: I don't know. I think I'm just gonna stick around here in 1955.

Doc: I don't follow.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-25 09:41:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Insensitive Guy at an Intervention

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:36:36 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A small group of friends and family stand around a kitchen in an apartment talking.

Tom: I hope Mike appreciates what we're doing for him.
Scott: I think even if he doesn't appreciate it now, he will understand eventually.
Ellen: Oh my God you guys. Look who's here!
Tom: Phil? Oh no. Who invited him?

Phil approaches Tom, Scott, and Ellen.

Phil: Oh man, it's been a while. Ellen you're looking hot.
Ellen: Hi Phil.
Phil: I mean...hot considering you just had a kid. I mean seriously can I park my car on those stretch marks? Zing.
Scott: Phil, what are you doing here?
Phil: Oh man, quite the welcome committee over here. I'll let it slide since I know you're probably still sore over the time I banged your little sister.
Scott: What? You know my little sister died in a tragic car accident.
Phil: Oh it was way before that, I swear. Zing! Listen, is there any food here? Someone said there would be food.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-16 11:36:36 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 60 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

On Columbus Day

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 14:15:37 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> October 12, 1492 - Somewhere in the Americas

Christopher Columbus steps off his ship onto land. His shipmates are wide-eyed and eager to explore the riches of the land they have just stumbled upon.

Columbus: You see? I told you we'd make it here. And to think you ever doubted me.

Trevor: Captain Columbus, you are a kind leader and an even more gifted explorer. I'm sorry we ever even contemplated mutiny.

Columbus: Yes, it is pretty amazing that I discovered this place all on my own.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-08 14:15:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Frat Shirt Translations

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:26:46 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Woohoo! It's time for that big homecoming game! That means you get to do two things 1) drink beer while pretending to feign passing interest in your school's football team and 2) get to see what clever T-shirt slogans the fraternities on campus have cooked up for this year's event.

The thing about fraternities is that they're super secretive and don't really want you to know any of their secret rituals which is why even their designs are written in code.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-27 16:26:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Therapist's Son

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 11:51:58 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Sean Johnson, 9, sits in the school cafeteria eating his lunch when Ron Gunner, the school bully approaches.

Ron: Hey loser, give me your sandwich.

Sean: Well, Ron, this is my only source of nourishment until I get home but if you'd like a bite I'd be more than happy to break you off a piece of...

Ron: Gimme the sandwich punk! I could crush you with one hand tied behind my back.

Sean: I don't doubt that that's true. But it certainly does speak to your own insecurities that you'd need to prove your physical prowess over someone who's nearly half your size.

Ron: What are you talking about you moron?

Sean: I'd really just like to eat my lunch in peace so if you continue I'm going to have to...

Ron: What? Are you gonna tell your mommy?

Sean: Actually my mother and I have a very open relationship.

Ron: Gross! You probably do it with your mom don't you!

Sean: Although it's not uncommon for pre-adolescent boys to grapple with a strange maternal attachment which often does contain sexual undertones I can't say I have ever done it with my mother.

Ron: Yeah...well...you're gay.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-04 11:51:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 117 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Excerpts From Bill O'Reilly's New Children's Book: "Cautionary Tales"

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 12:10:38 -0400

T-REX: So did you see the Cavefight last night?

STEGOSAURUS: Yeah, yeah I did.

T-REX: Pretty good when they ate that last guy.

STEGOSAURUS: Tasteless if you ask me.

T-REX: Tasty.

STEGOSAURUS: Whatever.

T-REX: Hey, how's Sarah?

STEGOSAURUS: Oh, you know. She uh... she's actually moving out.

T-REX: Oh jeez. I'm sorry.

STEGOSAURUS: Yeah, it's been kind of a long time coming and... Woah, did you just touch my pubis syphysis?

T-REX: Oh my God! Did I? I'm sorry. That was a complete accident. I was just trying to grab some grass. My bad Steg, really.

STEGOSAURUS: Anyway, I knew things weren't going well when she started going on all those business trips with Tony... OK, you did it again. You just smacked my pubis syphysis.

T-REX: Totally unintentional man. Wow. I'm so awkward.

STEGOSAURUS: It's alright. Just... be more careful OK?

T-REX: No problem.

STEGOSAURUS: Anyway she's over at her mother's... did you just lick my tail?

T-REX: I should go.

STEGOSAURUS: Wait...actually. Hold on. I'm sorry. I've been overreacting. Maybe we can get together later and... you know...

KABOOM!

WRAPPING UP: Extinction is Preventable! Go to Church Kids!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-20 12:10:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A How to Guide on Safe Sex by a Guy Who Doesn't Really Understand Safe Sex

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 16:23:39 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> No luck with the babes this summer? Don't sweat it. This semester's going to be different. I can feel it. Lady Luck is smiling down on me…you…I mean us, and we are gonna get our freak on with some hot females before you can say, "restraining order."

Of course, we can't forget the most important part of hooking up: safety. So I devised a little guide on how to engage in safe sexual practices.

Wear Goggles: These are key in handling any major spills that could occur during the sexual discourse. You have to wear them during Biology lab. Why would you think this would be any different? Rumor has it that if certain chemicals get into your eyes during sex you may go blind or develop a severe rash that resembles poison oak. Vision is also an extremely important part of the sex-making process since you want to be able to see how hot the bodacious babe you're banging is, so that you can describe her with pinpoint accuracy to your friends at Magic Camp next summer.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-15 16:23:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Reggae Artist Shaggy Testifies at a Murder Trial Using Only Lyrics From His Songs

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 18:32:10 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Prosecutor: Thank you for coming to testify today. Would you please state and spell your full name for the court?
Shaggy: Mr. Lover lover. Mr. Lover lover, girl.
Prosecutor: Well then Mr. Lover...
Shaggy: She call me Mr. Boombastic say me fantastic.
Prosecutor: What would you prefer that I call you?
Shaggy: Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling Angel.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.e464c2c03ccab951de6330bd6e59b571.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-08-03 18:32:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:356">Neil Padover</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:540"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />