Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Naked guy at the gym who has the handlebar mustache of a weightlifter from the 1800's and sack that looks like a plastic grocerybag.

He's very strict in his routine and remains a fixture at your local fitness club despite the fact that he hasn't exercised in over a quarter century. He can be seen standing in front of the sink closest to the urinals shaving his face with his disgusting elderly genitals completely exposed.

Don't bother handing him a towel, it is a futile effort. He'll simply thank you for it and put it around his neck, before launching into a series of hamstring stretches on the bench next to your locker.

No one has gotten him to cover up - It's impossible.

1. Your door is always open. You know, just in case any chicks feel like stopping in. Why bother wasting time and energy with conversation when free entry to a room decorated with promotional material for the latest MMORPG is all the invitation any hot-blooded college girl should ever need.

2. Your huge collection of empty liquor bottles is your subtle hint to the world that the party starts here. Provided the people attending the party bring alcohol and themselves.

3. Your music, TV, and movies are at max volume, at all times. As it stands, Wedding Crashers was a funny movie, but more people need to know that. Your genius solution of laughing hysterically will tell the entire dorm that they should really stop having sex and pre-gaming so that they can watch it in your room and ultimately invite you to parties.

4. The student lounge used to be a place for study and relaxation. Now that you've spent $150 on a Yamaha acoustic guitar, the lounge is your personal rehearsal studio. You've taught yourself to play guitar and to prove this to everyone, you're going to rock the living shit out of chords G, C, AND D while singing some of the amazing lyrics you wrote today during art history.

5. You're reading this article in the computer lab in a seat you've chosen because it is next to an attractive woman. Yeah, she may have walked by your open door, ignored your DVDs, and emptied her keychain mace into your eyes on the way to a bus after a night class, but she loves this site and by having it maximized and occasionally looking at her through the sides of your eyes, she will finally notice you as a potential love interest and NOT the subject of a pending restraining order.

bro·to·graph (bro-tə-grahf)

1. Noun: A sick picture of a bro produced by photography.
2. Verb: To capture an image of popped collars, shell necklaces, "woo" faces, gang signs at the jersey shore or in frathouse basements.
3. Verb: To be photographed while bumping forearms with your buddy after defeating a couple of TOTAL PUSSIES at beer pong.

A few months ago, I attempted to re-enact a Garfield comic strip with my cat (see it here) in an effort to discover if there was some hidden comedy gold that I was missing. There was not. Now I am many things, but I am not a quitter. Take this strip, for instance:


Today, I will be interpreting the above strip with the help of my cat, Luke.

The Right Opinion is the world’s first interactive opinion column. You submit the opinions, and I defend them to the death.

This week’s RIGHT OPINION: Family Matters was a revolutionary reality show. ~Submitted by DJNewStyle

Get out your dictionary, because you’re about to be intelligented.

I realize that some of you may cry foul. “Foul,” you may cry, “Family Matters wasn’t a reality show!” Give me a break. The evidence starts with the actors’ names: Reginald velJohnson, JoMarie Peyton-France, Rosetta LeNoire, Kellie Shanygne Williams, Telma Hopkins. Have you ever heard of a velJohnson? Is Shanygne even a word? Clearly the credits are fictional, and it’s the characters’ names that are real.

Paving the way for Road Rules, Family Matters placed a heavy emphasis on physical challenges. Remember when Eddie had to hang by a thread from a fire escape? He won that segment, but the others were not always so lucky. For instance, Carl Winslow once fell into a frozen pond, costing his team 20 points. In another episode, Urkel fell out of a hot-air balloon, and the opposing team won immunity. The most intense physical challenge that the cast members ever faced was having to learn the Urkel Dance, but in a dazzling display of courage and coordination, they survived that episode with ease.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

gmail.com	You are internet saavy, and approximately 50% of your inbox consists of Apple updates.  BTW, can someone invite me already?  This is getting ridiculous, seriously you guys.
hotmail.com	You signed up for your first email account in middle school and haven't bothered changing your address since.  The precursor to your extension includes either a really old hobby, a 'cool' spelling of a popular word or both (I'm looking at you, pog_gurl22).
aol.com	AOL sent you 12,000 free CDs in 6th grade and you signed up out of guilt.  In related news, you're still using free 120 hour accounts on dialup.  You also need to sign off soon, your mom really needs to use the phone. It's IMPORTANT.
yahoo.com	You were really really up to date ten years ago.  Then you went and had a bunch of stupid babies.  You still think you're up to date, but your high-waisted, tapered jeans tell another story.  And that story is really uncomfortable looking.
bangbus.com	You watch so much porn that your favorite site created a custom email account for you.  Not surprisingly, the majority of emails in your inbox are from your bff xxxCIALISxxx.
prodigy.net	You have not paid attention since the early 1990s.
mac.com	You have thick-framed glasses, and a blog where you talk about your thick-framed glasses.
netscape.net	One of your grandchildren had to explain how email works to you.  You're not entirely sure what a computer is, but you know that it helps you 'stay hip.'  Also, your dentures just fell out.  You should probably stick those back in.

	Wow, this actually feels nice. I could see this maybe going somewhere. But more importantly, if I’m really quiet I think I can stick it in again while she’s still sleeping.
	God dammit. I KNEW I shouldn’t have ignored the fact that she had more armpit hair than me. Or that half-formed ballsac.
	Ohhh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. I can’t believe I used the ‘let’s be more than just friends’ line to get laid. Or the ‘you understand me better than anyone else’ line. Or the ‘I want you to be my girlfriend after this’ line.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Sober ::: Drunk