CollegeHumor: User 3562's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788871 A Notice to Failures Everywhere: Today is Your Day Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:20:58 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788871 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Now is the time to live up to your complete lack of potential!  No matter how badly you screw up at work today, your blunders will never be on the level of injecting too much propofol into the back muscles of a man-waif who is responsible for the number one selling album of all-time.

Try it!  If you put your inexpensive dress shoe against a copier a few times you might cost the company, what, ten thousand dollars?   Michael Jackson was spending 2 million dollars a month - his death impacted the economy.  Your blunder sets business back 4 hours. 

So fail as gloriously as you can - it won't matter.  Today, you're only second-worst.



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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759093 Three People I'm Not Particularly Fond Of Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:13:08 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759093 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Naked guy at the gym who has the handlebar mustache of a weightlifter from the 1800's and sack that looks like a plastic grocerybag.

He's very strict in his routine and remains a fixture at your local fitness club despite the fact that he hasn't exercised in over a quarter century. He can be seen standing in front of the sink closest to the urinals shaving his face with his disgusting elderly genitals completely exposed.

Don't bother handing him a towel, it is a futile effort. He'll simply thank you for it and put it around his neck, before launching into a series of hamstring stretches on the bench next to your locker.

No one has gotten him to cover up - It's impossible.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-15 17:13:08 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743716 Five Things That Make You Great, Lonely Dorm Guy Fri, 02 Nov 2007 15:09:09 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743716 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
1. Your door is always open. You know, just in case any chicks feel like stopping in. Why bother wasting time and energy with conversation when free entry to a room decorated with promotional material for the latest MMORPG is all the invitation any hot-blooded college girl should ever need.

2. Your huge collection of empty liquor bottles is your subtle hint to the world that the party starts here. Provided the people attending the party bring alcohol and themselves.

3. Your music, TV, and movies are at max volume, at all times. As it stands, Wedding Crashers was a funny movie, but more people need to know that. Your genius solution of laughing hysterically will tell the entire dorm that they should really stop having sex and pre-gaming so that they can watch it in your room and ultimately invite you to parties.

4. The student lounge used to be a place for study and relaxation. Now that you've spent $150 on a Yamaha acoustic guitar, the lounge is your personal rehearsal studio. You've taught yourself to play guitar and to prove this to everyone, you're going to rock the living shit out of chords G, C, AND D while singing some of the amazing lyrics you wrote today during art history.

5. You're reading this article in the computer lab in a seat you've chosen because it is next to an attractive woman. Yeah, she may have walked by your open door, ignored your DVDs, and emptied her keychain mace into your eyes on the way to a bus after a night class, but she loves this site and by having it maximized and occasionally looking at her through the sides of your eyes, she will finally notice you as a potential love interest and NOT the subject of a pending restraining order.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-02 15:09:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743592 College Word-A-Day Calendar Wed, 31 Oct 2007 12:53:54 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743592 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

bro·to·graph (bro-tə-grahf)

  1. Noun: A sick picture of a bro produced by photography.
  2. Verb: To capture an image of popped collars, shell necklaces, "woo" faces, gang signs at the jersey shore or in frathouse basements.
  3. Verb: To be photographed while bumping forearms with your buddy after defeating a couple of TOTAL PUSSIES at beer pong.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-10-31 12:53:54 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 54 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732323 An Ode to Summer Break Tue, 29 May 2007 13:58:55 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1732323 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I'm off to get a job and work until the summer ends
I'll spend my days at some lame job, my nights drunk with my friends
I'll drink and drink, fall down and puke, but its what I want to do
I'm off to get a job today, but tonight I'm bound to spew

I've got a girl around the way, she thinks that she's the one
but I'll be damned if I'm going to spend a dime to hit it more than once
She's 4 foot ten and at least 2 bills, but the summer's just begun
I'm off to fuck a slob today, but I'm sure its one-and-done

Right before I did the deed, this bitch wouldn't shut her yap
This fat cunt spit up roast beef and gravy while talking all her crap
She told me I'm a good guy, but I need to set more goals
She'd hate to see me waste my life cutting grass and digging holes

Don't push me please, I just can't stand a pushy kind of girl
I took you out and bought you food, but you're treating me like dirt
Oh, I'm not the kind to stick to plans, I'm not a structured guy
I'm only out for one thing, Miss, and its aimed right at your eye

Its the lazy days of summer, but money fuels my needs
Its tough to use a value menu as a means to ditch my seed
Some girls think its a fairytale, but I'm their wake up call
I've lost my fucking job today, eat your Arby's and lick my balls

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-29 13:58:55 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728390 Deaf Poetry Jam Mon, 23 Apr 2007 12:33:53 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728390 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> As a child a schoolmate asked
why my speech was not so clear
His mouth had moved and his words projected
but, ASSHOLE, I cannot hear.

Oh, how terrible they were to me
they'd abuse me all day long
They'd tie me down and call me names
and lip-synch shitty songs

My life was hell, I must say so
but if I did you'd probably laugh
You pricks would ask, "Who stars in Scrubs?"
because its funny when I say Zach Braff

A gym class whistle, an atomic bomb
to me they sound the same
When I ride my bike I can't hear shit
and get hit while in passing lanes

I long to hear a rooster
or the noise from a car's ignition
but my fingers tire, so I'll stop typing
and finish with Speech recognition

Derrrp deehh denny deeeddy
daaddddddem enda enda ooh
reaaah reeeeeh roommmey
raahdeeppy deeepy roooooon

Deaaaamy daaab bedddy
reaaaaaamy roooop aah doop
benddda blennna beeenda bent
daa dooop dee dooppp de doop

DEE DEND

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-23 12:33:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719100 The Wingman's Ballad Tue, 13 Feb 2007 11:59:46 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1719100 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>  

I thought tonight I'd meet a lady
I thought I'd bring her home
I thought we'd spend the night together
but instead I sleep alone

My buddy Steve had seen her first
I had no plans to interfere
They hit it off and left together
and left me with my beer

Don't read me wrong, I'm not upset
I'm proud, but to that end
I've done what any pal would do
I hit on her fat friend

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-13 11:59:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 28 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715977 Time Travel: Amazing, Fantastic, and Taken For Granted by Argumentative Celebrities Tue, 23 Jan 2007 01:01:01 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715977 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-23 01:01:01 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715977">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1712457 The On-Campus Larpers: A Poem Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:52:59 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1712457 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


The dragon's fire burned as the warriors fought
fresh from the feast of the lunch that they had bought
"These broadswords are steel, they're real," they thought
though battle with dragons is a glory hard wrought

From the dining hall come four men walking our way
they appear ill-prepared for this dragon we'll slay
we'll war and we'll fight and we'll duel with swordplay
even though these four frat boys have declared us all gay

"Hey faggots, nice weapons, nice hat, and nice face,"
they yelled as I readied my PVC mace
Sir Gargsworth moved with me, we attacked with great haste
as wiffleball bats sailed right for their waists

The battle was neither long, nor epic, you see
For they must have had far greater hit-points than me
If I had ten more strength I'd break ropes and be free
but until I get leveled I'm tied to this tree

Tied down, beaten, they drew cocks on my friends
Yes, we're level eleven but we deserve to be ten
I know this is college, but why can't we pretend
We are not the gays, we LARP, and we're men.

Think you can write a better poem than this one? Post it and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com.  Each week we'll pick one poem to be featured in this spot. Put quill to scroll and get writing! Check out past poems here.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/e/collegehumor.9e1b4e5b87fb55b498f48cdecffc2a21.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-08 16:52:59 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:3562">DJNewStyle</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />