Eric Kester's Articles

Ok so there has been a lot of talk lately regarding the Patriots and their amazing feat of perfection. Yeah, good work guys. You were 16 for 16. Congrats. Now try going 431 for 431. That is what I did one late, snowy night in my dorm room when I hit 100% of my notes for Welcome to the Jungle in Guitar Hero III. I know that the Patriots schedule of the Colts, Cowboys, Chargers, and Steelers may appear, on paper, to be harder than my schedule of Green, Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange. Buy they had one week to prepare for their next opponent. Me? Try about, like, one millisecond in between notes.
No team in NFL history has gone 16-0 in the regular season. But seriously, I am pretty sure no one other than me has ever gotten a perfect score in Guitar Hero. My roommate J-Bog sure as hell never got a 100%. Even my kid brother Todd has yet to achieve perfection and he plays Guitar Hero like, all the time. Seriously...he had to repeat 7th grade because he didn't do his homework for 3 straight months or something absurd like that.
Now people tell me that what makes the Patriots impressive is that they were perfect even in the face of crazy pressure and tons of distractions and whatnot. I argue that the pressure and distractions I was facing during my perfect performance were even greater. First off, there was a fairly serious party going on in our common room while I was playing. People were drinking and yelling and farting and stuff. A few of my bros already hadtheir shirts off. You try concentrating on a mad guitar solo while you can see out of the corner of your eye some random dude puking on your laptop.
Also there was this girl in the room, Sarah, who I have been working for, like, three years now. I could tell that even though she was talking to some other dude on the other side of the room she kept secretly glancing at the TV to see how I was performing. This was my chance to impress her. Talk about pressure. When Tom Brady plays he does not have to worry about impressing chicks because he already has a supermodel girlfriend who could care less if he throws 9 interceptions because no matter what she makes 5 billion dollars for one photo shoot. I, on the other hand, knew that one slip up and Sarah would probably never respond to my IMs ever again. I also knew that if I did achieve perfection, I may even graduate from virtual conversation and actually speak to her in person. Maybe, just maybe, she will finally Poke me back.
The worldwide attention that the Patriots had to deal with once they were 12-0 was pretty intense, but still it cannot compare to what I had to endure. About two thirds of the way through the song J-Bog realized that he was witnessing history and he quickly spread the word. Soon the entire party was crammed around the TV watching me seamlessly nail note after note like the immortal Apollo sniping Greek after Greek with his golden arrows in the Trojan War. Man there were so many people watching. Even Ming Li, the kid who lives downstairs from us, took a break from studyingto watch my pursuit of perfection.
I was also playing through some serious injuries. I am pretty sure I had a strained retinafrom not blinking for three straight hours during my jam-sesh. Also I had this wicked itch on my nose,which obviously went unscratched for the duration of the song. I couldn't even scrunch up my nose to try itch it without myhands because I would make a funny face, and you know, Sarah was watching.

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Also I am sure that some of those Patriots are taking steroids. I swear my perfection was completely clean of the popular performance enhancing drug, Adderall. Sorry, Coach Belichick. Maybe next time instead of taping the Jets signals you should be filming my performance. Oh wait, it is already up on YouTube.