CollegeHumor: User 359's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747772 Why my perfect score in Guitar Hero is more impressive than the Patriots going 16-0 Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:31:05 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747772 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Ok so there has been a lot of talk lately regarding the Patriots and their amazing feat of perfection. Yeah, good work guys. You were 16 for 16. Congrats. Now try going 431 for 431. That is what I did one late, snowy night in my dorm room when I hit 100% of my notes for Welcome to the Jungle in Guitar Hero III. I know that the Patriots schedule of the Colts, Cowboys, Chargers, and Steelers may appear, on paper, to be harder than my schedule of Green, Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange. Buy they had one week to prepare for their next opponent. Me? Try about, like, one millisecond in between notes.
No team in NFL history has gone 16-0 in the regular season. But seriously, I am pretty sure no one other than me has ever gotten a perfect score in Guitar Hero. My roommate J-Bog sure as hell never got a 100%. Even my kid brother Todd has yet to achieve perfection and he plays Guitar Hero like, all the time. Seriously...he had to repeat 7th grade because he didn't do his homework for 3 straight months or something absurd like that.
Now people tell me that what makes the Patriots impressive is that they were perfect even in the face of crazy pressure and tons of distractions and whatnot. I argue that the pressure and distractions I was facing during my perfect performance were even greater. First off, there was a fairly serious party going on in our common room while I was playing. People were drinking and yelling and farting and stuff. A few of my bros already hadtheir shirts off. You try concentrating on a mad guitar solo while you can see out of the corner of your eye some random dude puking on your laptop.
Also there was this girl in the room, Sarah, who I have been working for, like, three years now. I could tell that even though she was talking to some other dude on the other side of the room she kept secretly glancing at the TV to see how I was performing. This was my chance to impress her. Talk about pressure. When Tom Brady plays he does not have to worry about impressing chicks because he already has a supermodel girlfriend who could care less if he throws 9 interceptions because no matter what she makes 5 billion dollars for one photo shoot. I, on the other hand, knew that one slip up and Sarah would probably never respond to my IMs ever again. I also knew that if I did achieve perfection, I may even graduate from virtual conversation and actually speak to her in person. Maybe, just maybe, she will finally Poke me back.
The worldwide attention that the Patriots had to deal with once they were 12-0 was pretty intense, but still it cannot compare to what I had to endure. About two thirds of the way through the song J-Bog realized that he was witnessing history and he quickly spread the word. Soon the entire party was crammed around the TV watching me seamlessly nail note after note like the immortal Apollo sniping Greek after Greek with his golden arrows in the Trojan War. Man there were so many people watching. Even Ming Li, the kid who lives downstairs from us, took a break from studyingto watch my pursuit of perfection.
I was also playing through some serious injuries. I am pretty sure I had a strained retinafrom not blinking for three straight hours during my jam-sesh. Also I had this wicked itch on my nose,which obviously went unscratched for the duration of the song. I couldn't even scrunch up my nose to try itch it without myhands because I would make a funny face, and you know, Sarah was watching.

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Also I am sure that some of those Patriots are taking steroids. I swear my perfection was completely clean of the popular performance enhancing drug, Adderall. Sorry, Coach Belichick. Maybe next time instead of taping the Jets signals you should be filming my performance. Oh wait, it is already up on YouTube.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-07 19:31:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747027 The Boyfriend/Girlfriend Christmas Gift Translator Thu, 20 Dec 2007 21:53:57 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747027 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> From the boyfriend to the girlfriend:

Gift: A gift basket of deluxe shampoo, soaps, and other crap like that

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What it means: "I've been secretly smelling your hair even before we started dating. I want that angel-hair to have the special sauce that it deserves."

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Gift: A winter hat, gloves, and scarf

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What it means: "Seriously, you need to stop complaining about how cold it is every time we go outside. You will never borrow my hat and gloves again."

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Gift: Lingerie

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What it means: "Let's be honest: we both know that this relationship is purely physical. Oh, you didn't know that? Well now you do."

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Gift: Jewelry from Tiffany's

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What it means: "Either I love you or I feel guilty for cheating on you. Have fun guessing!

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Gift: A mix tape of "Our Songs"

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What it means: "Man, I really couldn't find anything to get you because I am really lazy. Anyways, here's a mix of songs that we've had playing in the background during some epic make-out sessions. They say that the best gifts come from the heart. Well, this gift is from the heart, and conveniently only cost me $4.25 to make."

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From the girlfriend to the boyfriend:

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Gift: Cologne

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What it means: "I'm tired of smelling the cologne that your last girlfriend got you."

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Gift: A framed picture of you two

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What it means: "I want every girl who walks into your room to know that you're MINE. We can show this to our grandchildren someday! Also, this can replace that poster on your wall of those two girls performing CPR on each other."

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Gift: A fleece from Patagonia

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What it means: "Listen, I believe that you used to be "real sick" at sports, but it's really time to stop wearing your high school football jacket in public."

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Gift: A mix C.D of "Our Songs"

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What it means: "OMG this music defines our relationship. Every time I hear one of these songs I think about you and true love and butterflies. If we ever break up, I won't be able to listen to any of these songs ever again. P.S. Track #4 will be the song we dance to at our wedding."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-12-20 21:53:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744424 The Text Message Translator Mon, 12 Nov 2007 21:47:17 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1744424 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>



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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-12 21:47:17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 130 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739746 Opposing Perspectives: Girls vs. Guys Sun, 02 Sep 2007 23:15:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739746 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Through years of extensive research, I have discovered that girls and guys have different perspectives on many different topics. Here are some of the more notable subjects:

-A picture of Liz and her boyfriend tagged on Facebook:

Girl's thoughts: Oh Liz honey, what are you wearing? Those shoes do not match her outfit AT ALL. A Lily-Pulitzer dress? Is she serious with that? That was so last summer’s style. All that pink, yellow, and green she’s wearing makes it look like the Easter Bunny puked all over her. How did she possibly get that guy? Doesn’t he notice how her left pinky toe is slightly larger than her right, and that she has no respect for herself? She’s a really nice girl, though.

Guy’s thoughts: Wow, Liz is a total smoke-show. Nice cleavage. Do we have a nip-slip here? I think we do! Her boyfriend looks like a punk. That kid seems like he could only bench press a buck seventy-five tops. I could definitely kick his ass.

-Song lyrics:

She feeds him well, his concerns he forgets them
And remembers being small
Playing under the table and dreaming
-Ants Marching, Dave Matthews Band

Guy’s interpretation: This song is pretty sick even though the lyrics make absolutely no sense. I guarantee he was wasted or high when he wrote this song. Seriously, listen to the words: “His concerns he forgets them”. Talking like Yoda, why is he? Miss Teen South Carolina’s speech makes more sense than Dave’s lyrics. The one thing that I do understand is the part about “Playing under the table and dreaming”, where Dave recalls the time when he was little where he would hide under the table at lunch and look up girls’ skirts and dream. Sweet.

Girl’s interpretation: Oh my god this song is about me. It’s like Dave was looking into my soul when he wrote it. Whenever I hear this song it totally brings me back to the summer of my sophomore year after my boyfriend broke up with me. I listened to it on repeat for like, three hours every day on my iPod while working out on the elliptical. The lyrics just totally matched my situation. For instance, the line “Playing under the table and dreaming” is talking about how I am strong enough to get over Jason and how I am much prettier than that slut Kimmy.

-Effective energy saving techniques:

Girl’s thoughts: 1) Turn off all lights when leaving the room. 2) Shut down your computer at night. 3) Avoid driving when you can walk.

Guy’s thoughts: 1) Sleep in past 10:00 am. 2) Avoid walking up stairs. 3) Put fridge within arm’s length of couch. 4) Drive everywhere, no matter how close. 5) Avoid doing stuff.

-Sex and the City

Girl’s thoughts: Sex and the City is an amazing show that accurately depicts the emotional trauma that results from the incredibly difficult and life-altering situations that young women face today, like when your designer shoes are stolen.

Guy’s thoughts: At first I was excited to watch Sex and the City. After all, any HBO show that is on past midnight and has “sex” in the title is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome. Turned out to be the worst porno in history. The first scene was promising, as four women sat around a table and talked about how much they hated men. Nice, I thought, a little girl-on-girl action is coming right up. But instead of making themselves feel better by hooking up, they went shopping for new hand-bags. The girls weren’t even that hot. Seriously that one redhead with the haircut like my little brother looked like she was 40 years old. Who wants to watch a show about four friends who live totally unrealistic lives and spend all their time looking for sex and spending absurd amounts of money? If you want to watch a good show, check out Entourage.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-02 23:15:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 23 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735857 Names That I Don't Trust Tue, 10 Jul 2007 11:54:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735857 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> They always say, “don’t judge a book by its cover”.  If the expression was “don’t judge a person by their name”, I’d be in trouble.  I just don’t trust people who fall under the following name-categories:

The girl who goes by her middle-name instead of her first-name

Why do you have to lie like that?  When I ask you your name, I’m expecting an honest answer. I’ve been under the impression that the name of the girl I’ve been making out with all night is Ashley.  Now you tell me that your first-name is actually Gertrude?  This changes everything. You’ve misled me with your false identity.  What else are you hiding?  Oh, I get it! Only your parents call you Gertrude…and everyone else calls you Ashley!  The same way only I think you’re 21…and everyone else knows that you are 16.   

The guy that refuses to go by the more common, shorter version of his name

Yeah I’m talking to you, Christopher.  Don’t want to be considered as “just another Chris”?  That’s fine if you also don’t want to be considered popular and cool.  Why the extra syllables, Christopher?  That’s just rude to everyone else. We are busy people –we  don’t need to be wasting our time sounding out your entire name to the bitter end.  The only person who shouldn’t shorten his name by a syllable is Harrison Johnson.  You, on the other hand, have no excuse.  Have fun hanging out with Matthew, Jonathan, Michael, and Gertrude.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-07-10 11:54:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 119 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735008 Skillful Use of "JK" in AIM Conversation Wed, 27 Jun 2007 19:11:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735008 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>



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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-27 19:11:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 35 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731115 Is Your Girlfriend Cheating on You? Wed, 16 May 2007 20:32:28 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731115 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Just answer the questions below and see if your girlfriend is making a fool out of you behind your back!

I've been with my girlfriend for...
1-2 years. (0 points)
Less than one year. (1 point)
2+ years. (2 points)
Umm anywhere between 6 weeks and 2 years - I'm not totally sure. She keeps track of that crap. (3 points)

I've seen her make out with...
No one. (0 points)
Other girls. (1 point)
Other dudes. (2 points)
My little borther. (3 Points)

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-16 20:32:28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 38 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722203 The Ultimate Guide to Facebook Friend Requests Tue, 06 Mar 2007 22:53:15 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722203 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It can be very difficult to determine if it's appropriate to send someone a friend request on facebook. Fortunately I've come up with a handy guide to help you figure out whether it would be cool or creepy to friend someone:

 

Scenario Appropriate to send a friend request?
You get assigned to a group project with a girl from your class YES
You meet a cute girl at a party and chat it up for awhile YES
You meet a cute girl at a party. You can't remember her name, but after  an advanced search on facebook you've narrowed down the possibilities to 12 different girls. YES TO ALL
She has the same last name as you. YES
She doesn't have the same last name as you, but it starts with the same letter. Oh yeah, and she's hot. YES
She has a name that rhymes with a part of the female anatomy YES
She went to the same middle school as you. You were too scared to ever talk to her, but you are pretty sure that you were in love. YES
You sit near her in class sometimes. She takes good notes. YES
You've never met her, but your buddy's cousin dated her in 8th grade and said she's crazy hot. YES
You found a sweatshirt with her name in it that she lost in the dining hall.  It smells good. YES
You are a girl and you like his updates on collegehumor.com
 HELL YES
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-06 22:53:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718862 Reasons Why I'll Never Get Married, Written by My Mom Mon, 12 Feb 2007 00:31:29 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718862 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>     Now I know Eric is only junior, but he’s at the age where I wonder about his long-term future.  To be honest, I am starting to get very worried about his chances of ever finding a wife.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my little Eric, but honestly I can’t see how he is ever going to get a young lady to marry him.  Here are a few reasons why girls will not look at Eric as a potential husband:




Immature Eating Habits:  According to his sister who goes to college with him, Eric hardly eats breakfast!  And when he does go to breakfast, apparently he eats soft-serve. With sprinkles. This is not something that girls will find attractive.  I mean, he has the diet of a 10 year old.  When he comes home for vacations he immediately requests that I go to the supermarket and pick up “a whole bunch of Lunchables and string cheese” for him.



Not Useful Around the House: Eric has trouble with even the simplest of chores.  For instance, it is truly appalling how bad he is at wrapping presents.  During Christmastime when the whole family is busy helping out with cooking, cleaning, and gift-wrapping, we just tell Eric to wrap the toys that we bought for the dogs.  But he somehow even messes those up.  I usually end up putting the dogs’ presents in those little gift bags when he isn't looking.  The one thing Eric is good at is unscrewing tightly sealed jars for me.  To be honest I can do it myself, but I like to give him feelings of confidence and worth.

[upload:875915:large:center: Our dog Rudy rolling over for his gift bag]


Loves Video Games Too Much:  I don’t see how Eric could love any girl more than he loves video games.  He spends all day and night playing that Xbox online and arguing with other strange boys with names like “NoobSlayer69” over who should pick up the rocket launcher.  He might as well get used to wearing that headset he uses to talk to his Halo buddies, because at this rate he’s going to need it when he’s working the drive-through.  I don’t know how any girl is going to be good enough for Eric, considering he judges everyone’s worth based on only three things: how much they bench press, their online ranking in Halo, and if they like string cheese.

[upload:875887:large:center: Eric has a lot of virtual friends]

Bad at Cooking:  Women love a man who can cook.  Eric is not that man.  He has trouble stacking the meat and cheese on his Lunchables crackers.  One time my Ericy had the cute idea of baking cookies for his grandma.  Let’s just say that we are lucky  the firemen came as quickly as they did to save Grandma and little Eric.  He was 19 at the time.   


Worries Too Much About the Red Sox:  I just don’t think many girls will tolerate Eric during baseball season.  How can someone put up with a boy whose happiness is directly correlated with the ERA of the Red Sox’s middle relief pitching?  If he’s not talking about the Sox, he’s ranting about how the Yankees are “a bunch of baby-eaters”.  When the Red Sox lose, Eric mopes around the rest of the day and is pretty much unbearable to be around.  To put this in perspective, the Sox typically lose about 70 times a season.



[upload:875878:large:center:Taken after a loss during Spring Training:]


Collects Baseball Cards:  Need I say more?

[upload:876036:large:center:He'd probably still play with his Magic cards too if I didn't throw them out.]
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-12 00:31:29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1710861 Six Christmas Carols That Gotta Go Sat, 23 Dec 2006 01:38:37 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1710861 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> We all love Christmas carols.  Most of them are actually pretty good, and even the ones that suck don’t seem so bad because they remind us of that sweet day where we get awesome G.I Joe's and video games and other cool stuff.  But have you ever actually stopped and thought about what the lyrics to some of these songs suggest? Unfortunately, in order to protect young children from bad influences, there are a few Christmas songs that need to be banned:

Santa Claus is Coming to Town:
This song actually has some good advice for kids, telling them they “better be nice”. But is it really necessary to tell them that they “better not cry”? What’s that, Little Johnny? You’re dog just died? Well you better not cry, or Santa is taking that Nintendo Wii right out from under your Christmas tree. And what’s this about how Santa “sees you when you’re sleeping”? How creepy is that? Santa is a bearded old dude who creeps into people’s houses and offers toys to little children. All he needs is some long fingernails and he would be the classic image of a pedophile. Do you feel comfortable knowing that this guy is watching you while you sleep, trying to determine if you’re “naughty boy”?   



We Wish You a Marry Christmas:
Some carolers stopped by my house the other night (yes, I live in New England) and sang this song for us. It starts off very amicably: “We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year”. Pretty good, I thought, until they started on the second verse: “Oh bring us some figgy pudding, Oh bring us some figgy pudding, Oh bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.” Wow, you guys are demanding. I would like to help you out, but unfortunately I don’t know what the hell figgy pudding is. Last verse: We won’t go until we get some, We won’t go until we get some, We won’t go until we get some so bring some out here.” Are you guys serious? Now you’re just being rude.  I never invited you here, and now you refuse to leave until I give in to your terrorist demands. Well I’m not going to.  If things escalate and we have to throw hands, I’m pretty confident you guys won’t be good at fighting because: a) you’re carolers; b) most of you are wearing neck warmers; and c) you eat figgy pudding



Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
: Hooray for Rudolph! He saved Christmas!  Kids, don’t you see how even a freak of nature can win friends as long as he proves useful? Who cares that this song blatantly tells us that everyone used to hate Rudolph and exclude him from Reindeer Games because of a physical defect that he can’t control? What a great message this story sends to kids! To those with physical defects: tired of not having friends? Well you better accomplish something pretty sweet, like save Christmas (or something at least as impressive). To kids without physical defects: go ahead and keep making fun of freaks, just make sure to shout out with glee if they save your ass.











The Twelve Days of Christmas:
Running out of present ideas before the big day? How about getting that special someone eight slaves? That’s what this Christmas carol seems to suggest as an appropriate gift. Who doesn’t want eight maids a milking? Sounds like a good time to me. Or you could always go with “Nine Ladies Dancing” (strippers). In all seriousness though, this carol should not be taken literally. When I was seven my mom got so mad at me when I went to my neighbor’s barn and stole three French hens to use a Christmas gifts. 






The Little Drummer Boy:
We get it. You’re poor and you have no gift to bring that’s fit to give the King. But of all the gifts you could have thought up, what made you believe that playing a drum was a good present. I mean, for Christ’s sake, couldn’t you have just found a rock and painted it and given it as a paperweight? If you want to go the music route that’s fine, but you have to at least get a recorder and learn how to play “Hot Crossed Buns” or something like that. Stop giving people the impression that banging a drum in the ears of a new born baby is a good idea.







I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:
So this kid catches his mom having an illicit affair with another man, and he’s not fazed at all. In fact, he feels inclined to sing a joyous song about his mom’s infidelity. What’s more messed up: the fact that mommy is “tickling” another man, or the fact that this kid is having tons of fun creeping and peeping on his mom making out with a hairy, fat, old guy?








~Happy holidays everyone.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-23 01:38:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707411 I Party with Doug Funnie Tue, 05 Dec 2006 17:33:05 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707411 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I bet you didn’t know that Harvard is the school of choice for many stars from Nickelodeon. I know a bunch of them personally, and I thought I’d let you all know how they’re adjusting to college:

Doug Funnie _Doug_):[upload:595742: At least Doug has gotten over his borderline-illegal obsession with Patty Mayonnaise. I’ve finally convinced him that, along with having perhaps the least hot name in history, Patty is struggling in several other departments. For instance, somehow Patty’s voice still sounds like a 13 year old boy who is combating puberty on a daily basis. She also still has that brutal short haircut that highlights how awkwardly lanky she is. I have to tell you, though, Doug took it real hard when he found out that Patty started dating Bebe Bluff.

 Alex Mack : I don’t know this kid very well but I see him at parties all the time. He gets wasted and asks girls if they want go back to his room and help him assemble his Shrine of the Silver Monkey. If things get out of hand and he gets pissed off, he runs around cursing Olmec in a string of racial slurs. He wishes that the intellectual skills that got him to the top of the Steps of Knowledge were applicable in college, but unfortunately he’s failing out.


Contestant from _Global Guts_
: You knew these little superstars had to be out there somewhere, and one of them happens to live across the hall from me. This guy is confused why no colleges recruited him for his athletic prowess. I don’t know why either, according to his “Spill Your Guts” profile, he had accomplished such lofty athletic feats such as “playing little league baseball” and “enjoying soccer”. Maybe it's because he peaked at the age of 12 like the rest of the kids on the show. The other day I was fortunate enough to see his _Global Guts_ performance on Nickelodeon GAS (greatest channel in history for unintentional comedy" target="_blank">_The Secret World of Alex Mack_):[upload:595775, and he actually was pretty damn good at shooting those Nerf arrows into a giant Velcro target while bouncing from bungee cables, but unfortunately the NCAA still hasn’t gotten with the 21st century and made this event an official sport yet. I figured that most people who were actually on Global Guts when they were kids are way too embarrassed to ever admit that they were on it, but this guy is actually proud of it. I have to admit, it is pretty impressive that he climbed not the Aggro Crag, not the Mega Crag, but the SUPER AGGRO CRAG. Despite carelessly missing an actuator during his ascent of the Crag, he took home the Gold and now proudly displays in his room a glowing piece of that awesome rock.

I know there are plenty other Nickelodeon heroes out there, so if any of you have updates on them let’s hear them. I’m particularly interested in what happened to Budnick, anyone from Hey Dude, and Ferguson from Clarissa Explains it All.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-05 17:33:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706044 10 Types of College Students that Really Piss Me Off Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:49:58 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706044 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> At college, where I am constantly surrounded by students who have too many opinions, I have inevitably come across kids that rub me the wrong way. I've realized that most of these annoyances can be categorized into specific 'types' of college students, and I've listed them here. Chances are that you somehow fit into one or more of these types. This doesn't mean I hate you and that we can never hang out sometime and have fun and give each other high fives and stuff. In fact, most of the following types have been inspired by my roommates. So in no particular order:

1. The person who sits in the chair next to me in lecture even though there are like, 75 empty seats still left.

Listen, I don't even know you. We aren't speaking to each other, so why the close proximity? Now I only have 1.5 arm rests to utilize. I could be all spread out right now but instead we keep having awkward arm contact. Also, you keep breathing on me and you sniffle too much.

2.The guys that grow crazy facial hair as a statement.

These are the guys that sport a ridiculous beard in order to prove that they are 'free' and 'independent' thinkers. You'll see these dudes playing ultimate frisbee on the quad and then go sip on a Grande Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino at Starbucks (even though this company is the epitome of the very Corporate America that they are trying to fight). Now I am not against facial hair. It's just that beards are acceptable in only two circumstances: 1) you are too lazy to shave, or in very rare instances, 2) you are such a badass that you can do whatever you want and it will still be sweet (Maximus, Dumbledore, that crazy red headed guy from Braveheart, Santa Claus, etc.)

3.The guy who brags about cutting class.

I really don't care that you had three classes today and skipped them all. You need to realize that cutting class in college is not a revolutionary concept, and people are not going to be impressed by how badass you were for sleeping in. The true badasses are the guys who cut classes daily without even realizing it.

4.The guy who says 'badass' all the time.

I don't know why I just used that term three times in the last two paragraphs. I don't like it, and I'm embarrassed for myself.

5.The kid who won't stop trashing the city/state in which his college is located.

As a native Bostonian who also goes to college in the same city, nothing gets me more pissed than hearing out-of-towners rip on my city. I'm sorry it's too cold for you here and that strangers don't perform random acts of kindness on the street, but keep in mind that you chose to come here when you could've just as easily stayed in California and continued your tanning and Jamba Juice drinking at a different college. Conversely, I'm sure students at USC are sick of hearing native New Englanders talk about the Red Sox, clam chowda and rotaries.

6.The girl who uses too many abbreviations when she talks.

Someone said this to me the other day: "So I was talking to my BFF, then I realized this guy was like legit listening in on my convo, and I was like, WTF? So I go, 'T.O, are you snooping?' and he was like, 'Obvi.'" Please stop using so many abbrev.


7.The guy running for student government.

So if you get elected you think you can extend library hours? Talk to me about widening our school's server bandwidth so I can finally play some Halo online without lag, and maybe then I'll listen to you. But I'll probably vote for you anyway since clearly you care about student issues and not about building your resume.


8.The loud typer.

Seriously, chill out. I don't mind if you bring your laptop to lecture, especially if I can look over your shoulder and watch some videos of guys falling down stairs or read some of your personal emails. But I can't stand it when you sit there and type every single world that comes out of the professor's mouth. It makes me want to take your computer and smash it over your head with the same intensity and determination that you smash those keys with your fingers.

9.The girl who makes a face at me in line at the dining hall when she sees me pile some meat onto my plate.

If you don't want to eat meat, it's your choice and I respect that. But don't try to make me feel guilty for eating this delicious animal. So stop looking at me like after I eat these steaks I'm going to try to eat you as well.

10.The girl who walks too slowly in front of me.

I know you are 20 minutes early for class, but you have to understand that I am 40 minutes late to class. And it's an exam. I would try to pass you, but you've got me blocked by four other freshmen girls in a line walking equally as slow, chatting about last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy. Stop focusing so much on not spilling your Nalgene bottle and pick up the pace.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-10-19 17:49:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 23 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705469 Intelligent Turn-Ons Tue, 05 Sep 2006 17:49:44 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705469 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Us guys look for many different qualities in a girl when looking for love: her sense of humor, physical appearance, compassion, looks, generosity, physical attractiveness, sensitivity, and what she looks like are all very important. Of these attributes, intelligence is often very high on our list of turn-ons. After all, is there anything more attractive than a girl who knows exactly what to do when the remote needs to be reprogrammed? We want girls who know that the "Treaty of Paris" marked the end of the Revolutionary War, not the end of Nicole Richie and Ms. Hilton's friendship.

The only problem is that intelligent girls are nearly impossible for us to get because they are smart enough to realize that, when you get down to it, 99% of guys are first-rate creep shows. So how do you convince your brainy beauty that you fall in the 1% category of "dateable" guys? Listen to my advice, and you'll soon find yourself spending passionate Saturday nights playing Scrabble and talking in extended metaphor with your girl.

First off, when courting an intelligent girl, do not try too hard to sound smart. They will see through your shallow attempts at intelligence and know that you are overcompensating for your insecurities (i.e. your stupidity). For instance, do not attempt a pick up line like this: "Are you differentiable? Because I want to be tangent to all your curves." Calculus belongs in classrooms, labs, and sometimes rap lyrics, but never in the dating scene.

The best strategy when making the first move on an intelligent girl is to keep what you say relatively simple, reducing the risk that you say something idiotic and thus blowing your cover. Try, "Hey, I'm Eric." (WARNING: DO NOT SAY THIS IF YOUR NAME IS NOT ACTUALLY ERIC) The girl will most likely respond to your greeting with "Hi, I'm so-and-so." Make it a point to remember her name. Good memory is a sign of intelligence. I once ruined my chances with a girl named Jenny because I forget her name from the first time I met her. When I saw her again she said "Hi, Eric," leaving me in a situation where I had to take a stab in the dark: "Umm Hi...Johnny?" We never spoke again.

Smart girls love a guy with confidence. Be careful though, because these girls have the capability of distinguishing between confidence and cockiness. Do not use this pick-up line that I once heard someone try: "It doesn't take a genius to see how beautiful you are. But if it did, I'd be overqualified." I think the best way to impress a smart girl by exuding your confidence is to memorize a random intelligent fact and, when the time comes, pull it out of your pocket and state it with conviction. It also serves as a good safety net in case the girl brings up a sophisticated topic that you know nothing about. Example: Her: "What time is it?" You: "Until the 19th century solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia." Do not use Snapple Facts, though. Smart girls drink Snapple and will know your source.

If you are having trouble courting your girl in person, the internet is not necessarily a bad place to turn to. In cyberspace, the girl won't be able to smell your breath and you can visit dictionary.com for quick definitions of complex words that smart girls often use such as "regarding," "however," and "commitment." Be wary of your AIM screen name − it reflects upon your intelligence and the girl will most certainly judge you by it. I know it seemed cool while you were a retainer-wearing 6th grader using AOL version 1.0, but DarkWingDuck69 is not a screen name that will be viewed favorably by your crush. Seek a more sophisticated screen name, like, for instance, ThreePointOne4.

I hope that my advice helps you along with your quest to date your intelligent young lady. Just remember not to be intimidated by the intellectual girls of the world. Chances are that even they, with their high IQs, had a crush on Tom Cruise at some point in their lives. And if you happen to be a single, intelligent girl looking for a date, I am currently available. Just send me an IM at RoboCopRulz69.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-09-05 17:49:44 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1700123 There's No Place Like Home Fri, 28 Jul 2006 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1700123 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Keep Reading ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/1/collegehumor.7593f6d2790fe374a9f339e1842a09ae.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-07-28 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:359">Eric Kester</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />