Dean's Articles

2 total in July 2008

  • If Batman Carried a Gun...

    Lt. James Gordon stands beside the bat signal light atop the roof of police headquarters on a dark, cloudy night.

    Gordon: Ready for another dangerous night, Batman? I hear the Joker's plotting to rob Gotham's First National Bank.

    Batman: Eh, no that's just a rumor. I actually shot the Joker three nights ago.

    Gordon: I also hear Two-Face is--wait, what?

    Batman: Shot him. Three slugs in the chest, and one in the face for good measure.

    Batman raises a .357 in the air and waves it around.

    Gordon: I thought you didn't--

    Batman: Use guns? Yeah, well, you don't think I want be running across roof tops the rest of my life, do you? I mean, how many times have I captured the Joker? Like a dozen? And he always escapes anyway to launch another attack that wil kill hundreds more. Also, it occurred to me that guns are far more convenient than batarangs and grappling hooks. Not to mention gas pellets. I mean, what am I? A crime fighter or some kind of gay-ass magician?

    Gordon: I see...and Two-Face?

    Batman: Snipered him from a roof last night. Brains splattered everywhere. Never even saw it coming.

    Gordon: Penguin?

    Batman: Shot. With bird shot, no less.

    Gordon: Scarecrow?

    Batman: Shot.

    Gordon: Killer Cro-

    Batman: Shot.

    Gordon: Poison Iv-

    Batman: Shot.

    Gordon: The Riddler?

    Batman just turns and nods.

    Gordon: Well then. Uh, let's see...coffee, maybe?

    Batman: Actually, I'm gonna turn in for the night. See if I can catch The Office.

    Gordon: Will we see you around anymore?

    Batman: Don't know. I'm thinking of heading over to Central City, maybe giving Flash a hand. I hear's he fighting a guy now who throws boomerangs. Yeah, boomerangs. He's so shot.

    Gordon: Alrighty. Um...you will help me dismantle this giant bat signal then, won't you? It's kinda heavy and--

    Gordon turns to see Batman's disappeared into the night.

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  • 90s vs. 00s Trivia

    In the event of an international catastrophe, who is better equipped to save the world: the Mighty Morphin Powers Rangers, or the Powerpuff Girls?

    Is it better to be a Spawn of hell or to be a Hellboy?

    Is Bill Clinton better at getting blowjobs than Bush is at starting wars, or vice versa?

    Is it better to live in Ebaumsworld, or to have a good sense of CollegeHumor?

    Who is more obnoxious? Bob Wiley of What About Bob? or Borat?

    Is it cooler to wear Tommy Hilfiger, or to wear two popped collars at once?

    Is it worse to suffer a Phantom Menace or to undergo an Attack of the Clones?

    It's 3AM and you're standing outside your burning house from which you barely escaped alive. Is it more better to be caught wearing socks with birkenstocks or clogs?

    Is it better to be a Backstreet Boy or an American Idol?

    Is it more adventurous to travel the Oregon Trail, or visit a World of Warcraft?

    Is it better to want to be a Millionaire or a Chamillionaire?

    Would you rather be stuck inside a room with Hannibal Lecter or Anton Chigurh?


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    • Dean
    About Me

    In the year 1878 my great great grandfather attempted the world’s first fixed wing flight over the Grand Canyon on a makeshift flying machine he named “The Curious Oyster.” Considering that he was 23 at the time and not married with at least seven children (which was the fashion at the time), his parents were unsurprisingly alarmed that their oldest son might crash and die without leaving any offspring to bear his name. So, to remedy this perceived tragedy, his father got him real drunk one night so that he went home and knocked up his girlfriend at the time, Esmerelda.

    Two days later my great great grandfather did crash and die in his attempt to sail over the Grand Canyon. However, Esmerelda became pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy she named Lucky. Upon giving birth, she then promptly died (as was also the fashion at the time). Lucky, my great grandfather, grew up to become a WWI hero, fathered a total of eight children, and later died trying to scale the Grand Canyon on his 50th birthday.

    And the moral of the story is: Make sure if you build your own aircraft that you’ve installed at least a rudimentary form of three-axis control, which will allow you to steer the craft effectively and maintain its equilibrium. And also, stay the fuck away from the Grand Canyon.

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