Alright punks, listen up and listen good.

I don’t have much time here, since the mafia boss of some criminal organization bent on environmental destruction is after me, and my chopping hand is getting itchy.

What? Yes, I’m an environmentalist, and a damn good one. That leads me to my first rule about college.

Rule #1 – Never suffer a litterbug to live. You see those frat boys or bone-headed cheerleaders hurling beer cans out their dorm windows, you better strap on a pair of brass knuckles and get to work saving Mother Earth. You’ll also need a strong pair of black boots with which to smash down their door in one smooth kick.

Rule #2 – Always keep a tank-top handy. You think I got where I am by wearing a coat and tie like some office slave? Electric blue and strawberry pink are my personal favorites. Not because I’m gay, but because it throws off any would-be attackers by making them think I’m gay. Like this one time this guy walks up to me in a bar and starts making sweet talk. So I knocked him out using my patented clothes liner Aikido move, and it turned out nancy boy was the world’s most wanted German cyber-terrorist.

Rule #3 – Never smile, and always squint your eyes. Smiling is highly overrated, because it makes people think you’re one of those nice guys they can trap in a net and hurl off the side of the building. Believe me, I’ve seen it happen, so keep it grim there, buddy.

Rule #4 – Negotiate like you’re speaking with Hitler himself. Lunch lady giving you a hard time about your request to moisten up the mashed potatoes? Grab her by the throat and pull her over the counter to talk some sense into her. If necessary, dunk her head into the meatball stew and pasta tray a couple times until she agrees with you.

Rule #5 – Always sleep with a loaded pistol. Chicks dig a guy who can handle a loaded weapon in their sleep. Plus, you’ll want to be prepared in case you get a late-night knock on the door by a South American guerilla gang armed with a grenade launcher.

Rule #6 - Gel and ponytails are your friends. Let me give you a simple formula that’s saved my life numerous times: Slick=Quick=Alive. When you’re sneaking up on some inept guard to snap his neck with your bare hands, the last thing you want to worry about is your dandruff. Keep the hairs pinned back, and locked tight in a tail, and you’ll survive almost any encounter. Not to mention look hot as hell at the same time.

Rule #7 – Always have a sacrificial-lamb friend. You’ll need him for when you’re surrounded by a squad of killer ninja assassins. A good sacrificial-lamb friend will hurl his body in front of yours, toss you his only weapon, and take a barrage of bullets/kicks to the groin while you make your escape. Always make sure this friend is uglier than you so nobody will care when he’s inevitably killed. If at all possible, use a midget.

Rule #8 – Tight jeans, tight jeans, tight jeans. You’ve invested heavily in those kung-fu lessons, so sport a pair of the tightest jeans you can find so the whole world can see your sexy legs when you roundhouse a roughneck in the solar plexus. If you’re wearing a leather jacket, even better. Just be sure to roll up the sleeves so your forearms are free to block.

Using my eight simple rules you should be prepared for almost anything college has to throw at you. The key thing is not to take shit from anybody. Not even your parents. Sure, they sent you fifty bucks last month for expenses, but where do you think the money really came from? Drugs, smuggling, human trafficking, you name it. The next time you see them make sure you give them a good shakedown using some of my tips from above. Tell them Steven Segal sends his love.

Memphis, TN - Local gardening aficionado and Green Beret Captain Rick Jones says his unit doesn't deserve the "Special Forces"� label one bit. "I mean, take Corporal Tuscani for instance,"� Captain Rick said. "So what if he can crush a Red Bull can against his eyeball? You tell me what the hell's so special about that?"�

An interview with a South American drug smuggler also seemed to confirm Capt. Jones's assertion. Said Rico Vasquez, "I mean, sure they napalmed my village into extinction, but it was kinda like, "˜meh.'"�

Indian Ocean - Eighteen-year old Navy recruit Justin Anderson bemoaned that his ship captain can't handle a sword, and thinks rum is for sissies. "Talk about disappointment and betrayal,"� Justin said. "I don't even think that guy could fight his way out of a game of solitaire."� Efforts to reach Captain Daniels for comment were unsuccessful as TV Land was showing an Andy Griffith Show marathon that day. Said Justin, "Guess if a giant octopus attacks us at a sea, we're just up a creek, aren't we?"�

Sacramento, CA - Former garage band front man and comic book collector Perry Williams is quoted as saying, "My motorcycle accident may have immobilized my body, but I still rock ass harder than you can imagine."� Efforts to define "rock ass"� were only met with Perry making frequent references to his "totally rad"� Farscape DVD collection.

Maybe I'm one of those paranoid types, or maybe I am too easily influenced by TV commericals and late-summer popcorn flicks. Either way, I know evil incarnate when I see it.

Friends, Justin Long MUST be stopped before his so-called innocent career results in world-wide cataclysm.

Who is Justin Long, you may ask? Boy, I don't envy your blissful ignorance. Justin Long is the star of such films as "Accepted" and "Waiting." He may very well be the Devil himself.

How do I know this? It all started several months ago when I first began seeing those Apple commercials starring Long and some nerdy guy. I was running a spyware check on my Microsoft OS-based computer and noticed I had like a hundred trojans worming around on my laptop. Lately, it's been shutting down for no reason, and directing me to error messages I can't understand. I am flabergasted. Microsoft has ALWAYS worked perfect for me...until Long came along. I would buy a Mac, but then that would be exactly what Long wants.

Now I see his little gameplan. His first step is to topple Bill Gates, crashing the global economic order into ruins. Who knows what further mayhem he has planned. I believe his ultimate goal is to bring the whole world entirely under his command.

Consider the titles of his recent movies and their implications. "Accepted." Yeah, I bet he does want us to submit to his totalitarian reign without question, most maniacal madmen do. Then there's "Waiting." How ominous is that? Like he's just "waiting" for us to turn the other way before he springs his attack.

I am urging everyone not to be seduced by his charming (yet amazingly obnoxious) comedy films. Only together can we resist his Evil Empire and diabolical schemes before it's too late.

I'll keep a watchful eye for further developments from Satan's possible apprentice. If I should suddenly disappear, remember that I made a stand, and tried to help others (also, if you wouldn't mind, delete my hard drive so my family won't find my ten gigabytes of porn; that'd be pretty embarassing). Stay strong.