Dean's Articles

All your favorite STDs are having a meeting.

AIDS: Has everyone arrived yet? Honey, who's missing so far?
HIV: Gonorrhea and Syphilis are a no show...again. Chlamydia's no where to be found.
Chlamydia: I'm standing right here!
HIV: Oh sorry dear, but you are known for sneaking up on people.
Chlamydia: About half of all men and three quarters of women who have me exhibit no symptoms. Haha!
AIDS: Silence you. You are easily cured by antibiotics if detected in time.
Chlamydia: That's IF I'm detected.
AIDS: Silly child. HIV, am I to understand that as the master STD I shall be kept waiting--

Crabs walks in carrying a bundle of egg sacs.

AIDS: Oh goodness. Crabs, you didn't bring the children again did you?
Crabs: Well what the hell did you want me to do with them? Throw them away? They die in one to two days if they're separated from the human body. 
HIV: Oh Henry, look, they really are cute. Look at them squirming around in their little egg sacs.
AIDS: They're called nits, my dear. And for goodness sake don't stand too close they may bite.
Crabs: Did you just call my children a dirty name?
AIDS: Certainly not. I referred to them in their proper scientific term. You might say I displayed a little "nit wit."

AIDS chuckles to himself.
 
Chlamydia: Haha, nits.
Crabs: Shut up you little twerp. All you're good for is swollen testicles.
Chlamydia: Hey, I cause a white, cloudy discharge, too.
AIDS: And sterility if she's left untreated for 6-8 weeks.
Chlamydia: Yeah!

Chlamydia sticks her tongue out at Crabs, then ducks behind HIV.

Crabs: AIDS, you cheap show-off. You're just cocky 'cause no one's found a cure for you yet. You wouldn't even have cells to infect without your little wife here doing all the work for you.
AIDS: Just because you're a single mother doesn't give you the right to attack my wife you low brow little scavenger.
Crabs: Scavenger?! Why you puny infectious white bread snotty Ivy League pest. Hard to believe you're married to a woman when you're the one infecting all those homosexuals. We all know just how much you looove hiding in assholes.
AIDS: Of all the nerve! I'll have you know the anal cavity is the most superb location in which to infect--

Gonorrhea and Syphilis stumble through the door.

Gonorrhea: Gonorrhea in the house bitches! Whooooo!!
Syphilis: Hi everyone. Sorry we're la--  
AIDS: I trust you two have a qualified explanation for your tardiness to our bi-weekly meeting.
Gonorrhea: Was incubating in this babe, man. Chick won't know what hit her till her fallopian tubes disintegrate. Met up with Cervicitis and Herpes Simplex on the way in. Shit, it was like Grand Central Station all up in her cervix. Bitch was dir-tay!  
AIDS: Gonorrhea, your behavior is most inappropriate. I would like you to cease using all foul language until our meeting is adjourned.
Crabs: Lighten up dickwad. At least he brings some flavor in here to help make up for your dry ass.
AIDS: Oh go put on a fresh tube top you white trash hussy.
HIV: Henry!

Syphilis: Oh, hey Chlamydia. I-I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Chlamydia: Roger...I meant to call about last night.
AIDS[Rolling eyes]: Teenagers.

Gonorrhea: Yo, yo, yo, check out this rhyme I busted out just this morning. Shit is hot.
AIDS: Good grief, not again. Why don't you get a job?

Gonorrhea: Yo yo I'm Gonorrhea,
I'm glad to see ya,
all the chicks think I'm large,
'cause I cause vaginal discharge,
I infect infants too, yeah that's right I'm tight,
and you can't stop me unless you got silver nitrate,
In ancient Greece, I meant "flow of seed,"
And if you don't believe that just Wiki me,
Back in the day, penicillin had its way,
But now I am a menace, and I feel stupendous...

AIDS: That's quite enough Gonorrhea.
HIV: Very good Tony. Reminiscent of Biggie, with maybe a touch of Snoop. You really are improving your own style.
Gonorrhea: Props to HIV who complimented me.
AIDS: Helen, since when do you listen to that infernal racket?
HIV: Go wait outside Henry, your cells are about to burst.
AIDS: Wha--well I--oh damn it all to hell.

AIDS exits, runs into Genital Warts.

Genital Warts: O hey there big fella, did I mith anything?
AIDS: Charles! You're late too?
Genital Warts: Thorry, had a little penicillin thcare back there. Had to hide out on a dingleberry till it was thafe.

Gonorrhea starts beatboxing inside the room.

Genital Warts: Oh my God! Is it beat boxing night?
AIDS: We don't have a beatboxing night!

Genital Warts rushes inside leaving AIDS by himself.

AIDS: I don't even know why I bother.

"You want my phone number? Well, I don't really give that out. I can give you my Myspace URL though. It's actually pretty funny, because the URL is part of this joke I saw in a movie once. Wait, where are you going?"

"Oh crap, this TV show is so awesome. You guys totally need to check out my review of this on my Myspace blog. Man, I was in the zone when I wrote that."

"That's a good point Professor Jones, I totally agree. It actually has a lot to do with my thesis about social networking. Yeah, hey, if anyone in class wants to read more, just visit my Myspace. You gotta add me to get the full story though. I bust out some pretty funny shit on those bulletins sometimes. Yeah, like you over there on your laptop, you could just add my right now if you wanted. It's totally up to you, man. I'm just saying."

"Oh my God, Brian. I haven't seen you since high school. It's been years! Did you add me yet?"

"Did I ever tell you guys about the time this hot chick totally groped me in the parking lot? I wrote about it on my blog. Yeah, on Myspace. It's pretty sweet. You gotta befriend me if you wanna read it though. Trust me, it's so worth it."

A unique peek into the fascinating world of finance by lovable tycoons Thaddeus William Cornrich, III and Alexander Winthorpe Beauford, Jr.

Thaddeus: My dear Alexander, did you happen to notice the precipitous drop in the market these past few days? I'd barely finished my croissant when I heard on the box only moments ago that it has dropped over 500 points this week alone.

Teacher, O Teacher I'd like to bone,
Why won't you answer your telephone?
I call all day,
I call all night
Did my midnight visit give you a fright?

With your luscious lips and nice tight ass,
It's a joy being in your English class,
Maybe it's love,
Or maybe it's lust,
Either way fondle your boobies I must.

Teacher, O teacher, our love knows no border,
Despite what you wrote in the restraining order,
I see you have a boyfriend,
A big guy named Fred,
When I find where he lives, he's dead, Dead, DEAD!
 
Teacher, O teacher my time is nigh,
Without you in my life I can only cry,
The doctors all say,
I've got a screw loose
But I've never felt better, even with my head in this noose.

I'll see you someday, of this I am sure,
I'm sick with love, and you are the cure.
Eternity,
is ours to share,
I've stuffed my mouth with your underwear.

Teacher, O teacher, my vision is dim,
I see only darkness, I can't feel my limbs
I love you, I love you!
Know this to be true,
Now at death's door, I can't wait to go through.

I'll watch you in class, in the gym, in the shower,
Because as of now, I have ghostly powers.
Teacher, O teacher,
Our love only grows,
Except now I don't have a wang,
Well, can't have it all I suppose.

   Oh my God, this is so awesome! I can't believe I'm here. Is that an M1A1 Abrams battle tank? Wait till the guys at home hear I stood next to the same ass kicking hardware John Rambo used to take out that Soviet  general in the Mi-25 attack helicopter. They are gonna be so jealous. Hell yes I'm glad I signed up for four years. I'm gonna kick so much ass when I get out of here!

   Wait, why are they making me remove my red bandanna? It makes me look so bad ass I thought they'd want me to keep it on the whole time. Whatever, gotta do what the man says. Maybe they don't let you wear them until after you learn how to rip a guy's throat out with your bare hands. Oh that's gonna be so cool. Hope I can practice on live terrorists. Yeah!!!

Genie: Helloooo! Bonjour! Hola, my young friend, enter if you dare. Haha, just kidding, come on inside dude.

Jim: Genie, I have a problem.

Genie: Jimmy! Or do you go by Jim?

Jim: Well--

Genie: How about Jimbo? Or J-Town? It's the J-man! Nah, how about I just call you J?

Quickly adjusts white butler's gloves on his hands.

Genie: (In a cockney accent) And how may I be of service to you today, govna? Need your chimney swept? Or maybe your driveway cobblestones spit and polished?

Jim: Uhh, no. I've been depressed lately. Do you always carry those gloves around with you?

Genie: Come, come J. You don't come to guidance unless you wanna see a guy dance!

Does pirouette, spins Jim into seat.

Genie: Having some trouble with the ladies then I take it.

Puts on wig, assumes The Graduate pose on desk

Genie: Tell me now, J, do you find me sexy?

Jim: What? No, uh, yeah sure, you're sexy.

Genie: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

To Mr. James Henderson, President:

Sir, I am writing this letter out of profound dissatisfaction with your Omega Level Warehouse Security System. If you'll access my account you'll note I had it installed last winter at considerable expense. You guaranteed me it would prevent break-ins and keep my hideout/ import/export business safe from intrusion.  If I recall correctly, your sales brochure promised "100% protection from rival thugs, gangs, or vigilante twins."

Well, your security system not only failed to live up to its promised standard, but cost me and several of my associates severe physical trauma from the resulting intrusion. I shall relate the following events in order to provide a full and complete picture.

Last Thursday on July 5th, a man wearing a blue jumpsuit with orange hair broke into my warehouse.  This is not the first time we have had to deal with this individual . As a matter of fact, he is well known to my organization as Billy Lee. Billy also has a twin brother named Jimmy. Together they form a potent team known as the Double Dragons that has tormented my syndicate for years. We are sure it was Billy who thwarted your much-vaunted system as he always wears the same blue outfit while his brother wears a red jumpsuit.

After a night out cruising the local bars, college student Michael Sampson returns to his apartment with part time hair stylist/ full time hussie Sara Williams. Passion is in the air as the two round third base on Michael's bed.

Sara: Oh Michael, you're the hottest guy I've seen in weeks. I think it's time we stop fooling around and get down to business.

Michael: Get down to business? You mean, like sex?

Sara: That's exactly what I mean. Sex.

Michael: I'm sorry, can you say that one more time.

Michael pulls a microphone attached to a cord from underneath the bed

Sara: What's that?

Michael: I thought we'd uh...record ourselves. For future enjoyment, you know.

Sara: Sounds kinky. I can't wait to play back a tape of ourselves having hot, hot sex.

Michael: Exactly what I was thinking. Now, what's your name?

Sara: Sara.

Michael: No, your full name.

Sara: Uhh...Sara Williams. 

• The Library of Congress
• The ball pit at your local Chuck E. Cheese
• A friend's funeral
• A friend's wedding
• Your parent's attic with the only remaining photographs of Great Grandma and Grandpa, not to mention Great Aunt Emma's boots she wore to school for ten f*cking years straight during the Depression
• The produce section of the grocery store
• An endangered species wildlife habitat
• Your boss's private bathroom
• Your friend's living room during a viewing of Independence Day
• Outside a Scottish or British airport
• Inside a submarine
• A clinic for chronic migraine sufferers and epilepsy patients
• In or around any forest in California
• Tiananman Square whilst waving the American flag
• Inside your sister's Barbie three-story dream house
• The 18th hole of the PGA tournament