Articles by Dean on CollegeHumor

College Summaries

by Dean August 17, 2007

College is starting again soon. Do you know what to expect? Here is a very pithy guide to a few schools.

College/University	What to expect
University of Idaho	Crippling loneliness, outdated Napoleon Dynamite quotes
University of South Alabama	Tobaccy, bayou monsters
University of Chicago	Snow, Da motherf*uckin' Bears !!!!!
University of San Diego	Nachos, illegal immigrants
Penn State (Main Campus)	Joe Paterno statues, Joe Paterno
University of California, Santa Barbara	Sunshine, sexual heeeeealing
University of Santa Fe	Abundance of fascinating Native American culture, hash pipes
DeVry University	Dental assistants, that one uncle of yours
Kansas State University	Wheat, munchkins
Oral Roberts University	Bad BJ jokes, No BJs
University of Wisconsin	Cheese wheels, Bears fans!!!!!!
University of the Virgin Islands	Awwwww yeeeaaah!
Bob Jones University	Salvation, urge to commit suicide
American University	Traffic, "Dude, like the whole government is behind 9/11. Wake up!!!"
Lancaster Bible College	Structurally efficient dorms, Amish
Golden Gate University	Make-up artists, homosexuals
University of North Carolina	Air Jordan sneakers, NBA scouts
University of Tennessee	Fantastically-shaped bongs, foobawl!!!
University of Wyoming	Quails, Dick Cheney
University of Colorado	Ski lifts, "Sunshiiiiine...on my shulderrrrrs ...makes me happyyyyy ..."
Transylvania University	Annoying vampire jokes, annoying transsexual jokes
The College of New Jersey	Easy wimmins, wise guys
University of Texas	Inner thigh chafe, horseshoes
University of Miami	Sunburn, boobies!!!!!!!!!!!

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"A Dissertation on Factual Inaccuracies in 'Land of the Lost' (1991) and Their Possible Explanations" by Professor Sebastian Wellington, PhD

by Dean August 13, 2007

Incongruity: Both Porter children Kevin and Anne are purported to be direct offspring of their father Tom. However, Tom has curly hair while both children have straight hair.

Explanation: Since curly hair is a dominant gene and neither child inherited the trait, it can only be assumed that Tom's wife was a cheating slut and possibly had both children with another man or men [1]. This may explain her absence from the Porter family's trip through the back country. In all likelihood, Tom was taking his children on a car ride for the sole purpose of announcing that he and their mother were divorcing due to her infidelity.

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Red Light, Green Light in Caveman Times

by Dean August 11, 2007

Crugg: Green light...Red light!
Nagg: Ack! Mung cheat again. He step forward when Crugg say stop.
Mung: Nagg speak lie!

Mung bashes Nagg over the head with a club, killing him.

Crugg: Mung do wrong. No need kill Nagg.
Mung: Now Mung have Nagg wife. Mung have two wife now.
Dag: Dag want play game. Dag no like Nagg anyway. Nagg smell like mammoth.

Crugg: Green light...red light!
Dag: Gahhh!
Crugg: What now?
Dag: Mung put Nagg blood in Dag hair.
Crugg: Mung, why you do this?

A pterodactyl swoops down and carries Dag away.

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A Love Affair Chronicled by 90's Song Titles

by Dean August 09, 2007

Him: 'Are You Gonna Go My Way?'
Her: 'Hold My Hand'
Him: 'My Name is...' 'Jeremy'
Her: 'Whatta man.'
Him: 'You're Makin' Me High.'
Her: 'Drive.'
Him: 'Right Now?'
Her: 'Aint 2 Proud 2 Beg.'
Him: 'Where Do You Go?'
Her: 'Streets of Philadelphia.'
Him: 'Where it's at.'
Her: 'You Oughta Know.'

______________

Her: 'Something to Talk About.'
Him: 'What is Love?'
Her: 'Total Eclipse of the Heart.'
Him: 'That's the Way Love Goes.'
Her: 'You Make Me Wanna...' 'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.'
Him: 'I Try.'

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Nintendo Headquarters - 1984

by Dean August 07, 2007

Yamauchi: Gentlemen, I gathered you here to invent Nintendo's signature character for our new line of games. As you know the video game industry suffered a horrendous crash last year. Now is Nintendo's time to strike! We shall not leave this room until we settle upon an answer. Oshima, you're first.
Oshima [After dramatic pause]: Boss, I have a most ingenious idea. It is a game about a hedgehog who can run super fast.

Oshima holds up a board with a crudely drawn blue hedgehog on it.

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If the World Behaved According to the Fantasies of an 8-year Old Boy Who Just Started Doing Push-ups

by Dean August 04, 2007

Mommy and Daddy

Mommy: Hon, have you seen Timmy lately? He's gotten so strong since he started those push-ups.
Daddy: He's stronger than me, and he's only 8 years old! We should double his allowance.
Mommy: And get him two X-box's for Christmas this year.
Daddy: I agree. And a car. And no more making him eat his broccoli.
Mommy: What about his little brother?
Daddy: Dylan? I gave him away this morning. I told him Timmy was the only child we needed in this family anymore.
Mommy: I'm going to marry Timmy when he grows up.
Daddy: No! My own son taking my wife away from me. Whatever will I do?

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A Malapropos Romeo

by Dean August 01, 2007

16th century manners. 21st century relationship.

Greetings Lord Capulet. It is I Romeo of the Montague estate. A most blessed evening do I wish upon thee sir. Forgive me for visiting your abode at so late an hour, at seven minutes past 8 o'clock. But I have come to hark upon your daughter, the fair Juliet whose smile doth shine like the stars in Ursa Minor. Oh how she fills me with bountiful joy.

You say she is in the back yard. A thousand thanks do I give thee sir. I shall have you served the finest suckling pig on the glorious day in which Juliet and I shall wed. I do so long for the day when I ask for her hand in marriage and spirit her away to my dwelling upon the hills. For she shalt bear a joyous brood of children, each happy descendants of which you will be most proud.

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