CollegeHumor Updates by Dean http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758963 If Batman Carried a Gun... Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758963/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Lt. James Gordon stands beside the bat signal light atop the roof of police headquarters on a dark, cloudy night.

Gordon: Ready for another dangerous night, Batman? I hear the Joker's plotting to rob Gotham's First National Bank.

Batman: Eh, no that's just a rumor. I actually shot the Joker three nights ago.

Gordon: I also hear Two-Face is--wait, what?

Batman: Shot him. Three slugs in the chest, and one in the face for good measure.

Batman raises a .357 in the air and waves it around.

Gordon: I thought you didn't--

Batman: Use guns? Yeah, well, you don't think I want be running across roof tops the rest of my life, do you? I mean, how many times have I captured the Joker? Like a dozen? And he always escapes anyway to launch another attack that wil kill hundreds more. Also, it occurred to me that guns are far more convenient than batarangs and grappling hooks. Not to mention gas pellets. I mean, what am I? A crime fighter or some kind of gay-ass magician?

Gordon: I see...and Two-Face?

Batman: Snipered him from a roof last night. Brains splattered everywhere. Never even saw it coming.

Gordon: Penguin?

Batman: Shot. With bird shot, no less.

Gordon: Scarecrow?

Batman: Shot.

Gordon: Killer Cro-

Batman: Shot.

Gordon: Poison Iv-

Batman: Shot.

Gordon: The Riddler?

Batman just turns and nods.

Gordon: Well then. Uh, let's see...coffee, maybe?

Batman: Actually, I'm gonna turn in for the night. See if I can catch The Office.

Gordon: Will we see you around anymore?

Batman: Don't know. I'm thinking of heading over to Central City, maybe giving Flash a hand. I hear's he fighting a guy now who throws boomerangs. Yeah, boomerangs. He's so shot.

Gordon: Alrighty. Um...you will help me dismantle this giant bat signal then, won't you? It's kinda heavy and--

Gordon turns to see Batman's disappeared into the night.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, Jul 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758700 90s vs. 00s Trivia Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758700/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In the event of an international catastrophe, who is better equipped to save the world: the Mighty Morphin Powers Rangers, or the Powerpuff Girls?

Is it better to be a Spawn of hell or to be a Hellboy?

Is Bill Clinton better at getting blowjobs than Bush is at starting wars, or vice versa?

Is it better to live in Ebaumsworld, or to have a good sense of CollegeHumor?

Who is more obnoxious? Bob Wiley of What About Bob? or Borat?

Is it cooler to wear Tommy Hilfiger, or to wear two popped collars at once?

Is it worse to suffer a Phantom Menace or to undergo an Attack of the Clones?

It's 3AM and you're standing outside your burning house from which you barely escaped alive. Is it more better to be caught wearing socks with birkenstocks or clogs?

Is it better to be a Backstreet Boy or an American Idol?

Is it more adventurous to travel the Oregon Trail, or visit a World of Warcraft?

Is it better to want to be a Millionaire or a Chamillionaire?

Would you rather be stuck inside a room with Hannibal Lecter or Anton Chigurh?


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jul 8 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758700/ts:33">Be the first!</a> </p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756332 Imagine...No More Classes Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756332/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Imagine there's no education
It's awesome if you try
No Advanced Chemstry before us
Only PS3 and getting high
Imagine all your bros
Playing Grand Theft Auto 4


Imagine there's no classes
A mess hall with gourmet food
No reason to wake early
And no Comparative Religions too
Imagine all the hotties
Strolling the campus in bikinis

You may say I'm a procrasturbator
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday the faculty'll join me
And make a $40k a year college a shit ton of fun

Imagine no dissertations
No Locke, Rosseau, Diderot or Kant
No need for Adderrall at all
All the pussy you could ever want
Imagine all the students
Sharing a phat bong

You may say it happens only in summer
Underneath the burning sun
But it can happen year round if we want to
Oh shit, I'm late for Accounting I gotta run.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jun 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756332/ts:33">Be the first!</a> </p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742111 Inventor of the "Yo Momma's So Fat" Insult Delivers His Mother's Eulogy Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742111/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Friends, family, we are gathered here today to solemnly remember the passing of my wonderful mother, Gertrude Anna Bonhoffer. Words can hardly express the depth of emotion that springs forth from my soul in remembering the best memories we all shared with her before her passing.

Why, it was only a few weeks ago she told me the story of when her parents had her baptized at Sea World at age nine. What a blessed day that had been for her. In a surely divine moment, the whales leapt out of their tanks and sang "We are Family" when they saw her dip into the water. Even then, at so young an age Momma touched the hearts of everyone around her. She was so fortunate some people even joked she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Oct 9 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740361 Grandpa vs. Web 2.0 Lingo Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740361/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


Matt Clarkson is busily surfing the web in his dorm when suddenly his cell phone rings.

Matt: Oh, hi Grandpa, I'm glad you called.
Grandpa: Matt, how are you? Finally got this cellular doohickey figured I think. What's my favorite grandson doing?
Matt: Been Stumbling all night.
Grandpa: Oh! You aren't hurt are you?
Matt: No Grandpa, Stumbling. Online.
Grandpa: What the hell is that? You're not looking at porn, I hope. Your Grandmother and I bought you that laptop, remember.
Matt: Porn? No, of course not. Stumbling, it's like, uh, you look at websites.
Grandpa: I thought they called that "surfing." It's called stumbling now?
Matt: No, it's a website called StumbleUpon.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Sep 12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738720 College Summaries Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738720/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> College is starting again soon. Do you know what to expect? Here is a very pithy guide to a few schools.


College/University
What to expect
University of Idaho Crippling loneliness, outdated Napoleon Dynamite quotes
University of South Alabama Tobaccy, bayou monsters
University of Chicago Snow, Da motherf*uckin' Bears !!!!!
University of San Diego Nachos, illegal immigrants
Penn State (Main Campus) Joe Paterno statues, Joe Paterno

University of California, Santa Barbara Sunshine, sexual heeeeealing
University of Santa Fe Abundance of fascinating Native American culture, hash pipes
DeVry University Dental assistants, that one uncle of yours

Kansas State University Wheat, munchkins
Oral Roberts University Bad BJ jokes, No BJs

University of Wisconsin Cheese wheels, Bears fans!!!!!!
University of the Virgin Islands Awwwww yeeeaaah!
Bob Jones University Salvation, urge to commit suicide
American University Traffic, "Dude, like the whole government is behind 9/11. Wake up!!!"
Lancaster Bible College Structurally efficient dorms, Amish
Golden Gate University Make-up artists, homosexuals
University of North Carolina Air Jordan sneakers, NBA scouts
University of Tennessee Fantastically-shaped bongs, foobawl!!!
University of Wyoming Quails, Dick Cheney
University of Colorado Ski lifts, "Sunshiiiiine...on my shulderrrrrs ...makes me happyyyyy ..."
Transylvania University Annoying vampire jokes, annoying transsexual jokes
The College of New Jersey Easy wimmins, wise guys
University of Texas Inner thigh chafe, horseshoes
University of Miami Sunburn, boobies!!!!!!!!!!!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Aug 17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738720/ts:33">Be the first!</a> </p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738439 A Dissertation on Factual Inaccuracies in 'Land of the Lost' (1991) and Their Possible Explanations" by Professor Sebastian Wellington, PhD Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738439/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Incongruity: Both Porter children Kevin and Anne are purported to be direct offspring of their father Tom. However, Tom has curly hair while both children have straight hair.




Explanation: Since curly hair is a dominant gene and neither child inherited the trait, it can only be assumed that Tom's wife was a cheating slut and possibly had both children with another man or men [1]. This may explain her absence from the Porter family's trip through the back country. In all likelihood, Tom was taking his children on a car ride for the sole purpose of announcing that he and their mother were divorcing due to her infidelity.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Aug 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738273 Red Light, Green Light in Caveman Times Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738273/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Crugg: Green light...Red light!
Nagg: Ack! Mung cheat again. He step forward when Crugg say stop.
Mung: Nagg speak lie!



Mung bashes Nagg over the head with a club, killing him.

Crugg: Mung do wrong. No need kill Nagg.
Mung: Now Mung have Nagg wife. Mung have two wife now.
Dag: Dag want play game. Dag no like Nagg anyway. Nagg smell like mammoth.

Crugg: Green light...red light!
Dag: Gahhh!
Crugg: What now?
Dag: Mung put Nagg blood in Dag hair.
Crugg: Mung, why you do this?

A pterodactyl swoops down and carries Dag away.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Saturday, Aug 11 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738142 A Love Affair Chronicled by 90's Song Titles Mon, 13 Aug 2007 13:30:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738142/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Him: 'Are You Gonna Go My Way?'
Her: 'Hold My Hand'
Him: 'My Name is...' 'Jeremy'
Her: 'Whatta man.'
Him: 'You're Makin' Me High.'
Her: 'Drive.'
Him: 'Right Now?'
Her: 'Aint 2 Proud 2 Beg.'
Him: 'Where Do You Go?'
Her: 'Streets of Philadelphia.'
Him: 'Where it's at.'
Her: 'You Oughta Know.'

______________

Her: 'Something to Talk About.'
Him: 'What is Love?'
Her: 'Total Eclipse of the Heart.'
Him: 'That's the Way Love Goes.'
Her: 'You Make Me Wanna...' 'Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.'
Him: 'I Try.'

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Aug 9 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737940 Nintendo Headquarters - 1984 Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737940/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Yamauchi: Gentlemen, I gathered you here to invent Nintendo's signature character for our new line of games. As you know the video game industry suffered a horrendous crash last year. Now is Nintendo's time to strike! We shall not leave this room until we settle upon an answer. Oshima, you're first.
Oshima [After dramatic pause]: Boss, I have a most ingenious idea. It is a game about a hedgehog who can run super fast.

Oshima holds up a board with a crudely drawn blue hedgehog on it.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Aug 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737765 If the World Behaved According to the Fantasies of an 8-year Old Boy Who Just Started Doing Push-ups Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737765/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Mommy and Daddy

Mommy: Hon, have you seen Timmy lately? He's gotten so strong since he started those push-ups.
Daddy: He's stronger than me, and he's only 8 years old! We should double his allowance.
Mommy: And get him two X-box's for Christmas this year.
Daddy: I agree. And a car. And no more making him eat his broccoli.
Mommy: What about his little brother?
Daddy: Dylan? I gave him away this morning. I told him Timmy was the only child we needed in this family anymore.
Mommy: I'm going to marry Timmy when he grows up.
Daddy: No! My own son taking my wife away from me. Whatever will I do?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Saturday, Aug 4 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 25 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737557 A Malapropos Romeo Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737557/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
16th century manners. 21st century relationship.

Greetings Lord Capulet. It is I Romeo of the Montague estate. A most blessed evening do I wish upon thee sir. Forgive me for visiting your abode at so late an hour, at seven minutes past 8 o'clock. But I have come to hark upon your daughter, the fair Juliet whose smile doth shine like the stars in Ursa Minor. Oh how she fills me with bountiful joy.

You say she is in the back yard. A thousand thanks do I give thee sir. I shall have you served the finest suckling pig on the glorious day in which Juliet and I shall wed. I do so long for the day when I ask for her hand in marriage and spirit her away to my dwelling upon the hills. For she shalt bear a joyous brood of children, each happy descendants of which you will be most proud.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Aug 1 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737409 Burning Sensation Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737409/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> All your favorite STDs are having a meeting.


AIDS: Has everyone arrived yet? Honey, who's missing so far?
HIV: Gonorrhea and Syphilis are a no show...again. Chlamydia's no where to be found.
Chlamydia: I'm standing right here!
HIV: Oh sorry dear, but you are known for sneaking up on people.
Chlamydia: About half of all men and three quarters of women who have me exhibit no symptoms. Haha!
AIDS: Silence you. You are easily cured by antibiotics if detected in time.
Chlamydia: That's IF I'm detected.
AIDS: Silly child. HIV, am I to understand that as the master STD I shall be kept waiting--

Crabs walks in carrying a bundle of egg sacs.

AIDS: Oh goodness. Crabs, you didn't bring the children again did you?
Crabs: Well what the hell did you want me to do with them? Throw them away? They die in one to two days if they're separated from the human body.
HIV: Oh Henry, look, they really are cute. Look at them squirming around in their little egg sacs.
AIDS: They're called nits, my dear. And for goodness sake don't stand too close they may bite.
Crabs: Did you just call my children a dirty name?
AIDS: Certainly not. I referred to them in their proper scientific term. You might say I displayed a little "nit wit."

AIDS chuckles to himself.

Chlamydia: Haha, nits.
Crabs: Shut up you little twerp. All you're good for is swollen testicles.
Chlamydia: Hey, I cause a white, cloudy discharge, too.
AIDS: And sterility if she's left untreated for 6-8 weeks.
Chlamydia: Yeah!

Chlamydia sticks her tongue out at Crabs, then ducks behind HIV.

Crabs: AIDS, you cheap show-off. You're just cocky 'cause no one's found a cure for you yet. You wouldn't even have cells to infect without your little wife here doing all the work for you.
AIDS: Just because you're a single mother doesn't give you the right to attack my wife you low brow little scavenger.
Crabs: Scavenger?! Why you puny infectious white bread snotty Ivy League pest. Hard to believe you're married to a woman when you're the one infecting all those homosexuals. We all know just how much you looove hiding in assholes.
AIDS: Of all the nerve! I'll have you know the anal cavity is the most superb location in which to infect--

Gonorrhea and Syphilis stumble through the door.

Gonorrhea: Gonorrhea in the house bitches! Whooooo!!
Syphilis: Hi everyone. Sorry we're la--
AIDS: I trust you two have a qualified explanation for your tardiness to our bi-weekly meeting.
Gonorrhea: Was incubating in this babe, man. Chick won't know what hit her till her fallopian tubes disintegrate. Met up with Cervicitis and Herpes Simplex on the way in. Shit, it was like Grand Central Station all up in her cervix. Bitch was dir-tay!
AIDS: Gonorrhea, your behavior is most inappropriate. I would like you to cease using all foul language until our meeting is adjourned.
Crabs: Lighten up dickwad. At least he brings some flavor in here to help make up for your dry ass.
AIDS: Oh go put on a fresh tube top you white trash hussy.
HIV: Henry!

Syphilis: Oh, hey Chlamydia. I-I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Chlamydia: Roger...I meant to call about last night.
AIDS[Rolling eyes]: Teenagers.

Gonorrhea: Yo, yo, yo, check out this rhyme I busted out just this morning. Shit is hot.
AIDS: Good grief, not again. Why don't you get a job?

Gonorrhea: Yo yo I'm Gonorrhea,
I'm glad to see ya,
all the chicks think I'm large,
'cause I cause vaginal discharge,
I infect infants too, yeah that's right I'm tight,
and you can't stop me unless you got silver nitrate,
In ancient Greece, I meant "flow of seed,"
And if you don't believe that just Wiki me,
Back in the day, penicillin had its way,
But now I am a menace, and I feel stupendous...

AIDS: That's quite enough Gonorrhea.
HIV: Very good Tony. Reminiscent of Biggie, with maybe a touch of Snoop. You really are improving your own style.
Gonorrhea: Props to HIV who complimented me.
AIDS: Helen, since when do you listen to that infernal racket?
HIV: Go wait outside Henry, your cells are about to burst.
AIDS: Wha--well I--oh damn it all to hell.

AIDS exits, runs into Genital Warts.

Genital Warts: O hey there big fella, did I mith anything?
AIDS: Charles! You're late too?
Genital Warts: Thorry, had a little penicillin thcare back there. Had to hide out on a dingleberry till it was thafe.

Gonorrhea starts beatboxing inside the room.

Genital Warts: Oh my God! Is it beat boxing night?
AIDS: We don't have a beatboxing night!

Genital Warts rushes inside leaving AIDS by himself.

AIDS: I don't even know why I bother.
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jul 31 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737275 Guy Who Tries Too Hard to Make Myspace Friends Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737275/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> "You want my phone number? Well, I don't really give that out. I can give you my Myspace URL though. It's actually pretty funny, because the URL is part of this joke I saw in a movie once. Wait, where are you going?"

"Oh crap, this TV show is so awesome. You guys totally need to check out my review of this on my Myspace blog. Man, I was in the zone when I wrote that."

"That's a good point Professor Jones, I totally agree. It actually has a lot to do with my thesis about social networking. Yeah, hey, if anyone in class wants to read more, just visit my Myspace. You gotta add me to get the full story though. I bust out some pretty funny shit on those bulletins sometimes. Yeah, like you over there on your laptop, you could just add my right now if you wanted. It's totally up to you, man. I'm just saying."


"Oh my God, Brian. I haven't seen you since high school. It's been years! Did you add me yet?"


"Did I ever tell you guys about the time this hot chick totally groped me in the parking lot? I wrote about it on my blog. Yeah, on Myspace. It's pretty sweet. You gotta befriend me if you wanna read it though. Trust me, it's so worth it."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, Jul 29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737145 Cents and Sensibility Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737145/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A unique peek into the fascinating world of finance by lovable tycoons Thaddeus William Cornrich, III and Alexander Winthorpe Beauford, Jr.

Thaddeus: My dear Alexander, did you happen to notice the precipitous drop in the market these past few days? I'd barely finished my croissant when I heard on the box only moments ago that it has dropped over 500 points this week alone.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Jul 27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736972 Teacher, O Teacher I'd Like to Bone Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736972/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Teacher, O Teacher I'd like to bone,
Why won't you answer your telephone?
I call all day,
I call all night
Did my midnight visit give you a fright?

With your luscious lips and nice tight ass,
It's a joy being in your English class,
Maybe it's love,
Or maybe it's lust,
Either way fondle your boobies I must.

Teacher, O teacher, our love knows no border,
Despite what you wrote in the restraining order,
I see you have a boyfriend,
A big guy named Fred,
When I find where he lives, he's dead, Dead, DEAD!

Teacher, O teacher my time is nigh,
Without you in my life I can only cry,
The doctors all say,
I've got a screw loose
But I've never felt better, even with my head in this noose.

I'll see you someday, of this I am sure,
I'm sick with love, and you are the cure.
Eternity,
is ours to share,
I've stuffed my mouth with your underwear.

Teacher, O teacher, my vision is dim,
I see only darkness, I can't feel my limbs
I love you, I love you!
Know this to be true,
Now at death's door, I can't wait to go through.

I'll watch you in class, in the gym, in the shower,
Because as of now, I have ghostly powers.
Teacher, O teacher,
Our love only grows,
Except now I don't have a wang,
Well, can't have it all I suppose.

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Jul 25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736832 World's Biggest Rambo Fan's First Day at Boot Camp Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736832/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Oh my God, this is so awesome! I can't believe I'm here. Is that an M1A1 Abrams battle tank? Wait till the guys at home hear I stood next to the same ass kicking hardware John Rambo used to take out that Soviet general in the Mi-25 attack helicopter. They are gonna be so jealous. Hell yes I'm glad I signed up for four years. I'm gonna kick so much ass when I get out of here!

Wait, why are they making me remove my red bandanna? It makes me look so bad ass I thought they'd want me to keep it on the whole time. Whatever, gotta do what the man says. Maybe they don't let you wear them until after you learn how to rip a guy's throat out with your bare hands. Oh that's gonna be so cool. Hope I can practice on live terrorists. Yeah!!!

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jul 23 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736694 The Genie From "Aladdin" Becomes a Guidance Counselor Tue, 31 Jul 2007 14:30:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736694/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Genie: Helloooo! Bonjour! Hola, my young friend, enter if you dare. Haha, just kidding, come on inside dude.

Jim: Genie, I have a problem.

Genie: Jimmy! Or do you go by Jim?

Jim: Well--

Genie: How about Jimbo? Or J-Town? It's the J-man! Nah, how about I just call you J?

Quickly adjusts white butler's gloves on his hands.

Genie: (In a cockney accent) And how may I be of service to you today, govna? Need your chimney swept? Or maybe your driveway cobblestones spit and polished?

Jim: Uhh, no. I've been depressed lately. Do you always carry those gloves around with you?

Genie: Come, come J. You don't come to guidance unless you wanna see a guy dance!

Does pirouette, spins Jim into seat.

Genie: Having some trouble with the ladies then I take it.

Puts on wig, assumes The Graduate pose on desk

Genie: Tell me now, J, do you find me sexy?

Jim: What? No, uh, yeah sure, you're sexy.

Genie: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Saturday, Jul 21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736433 Open Letter of Complaint to Warehouse Security Unlimited Thu, 19 Jul 2007 12:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736433/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
To Mr. James Henderson, President:

Sir, I am writing this letter out of profound dissatisfaction with your Omega Level Warehouse Security System. If you'll access my account you'll note I had it installed last winter at considerable expense. You guaranteed me it would prevent break-ins and keep my hideout/ import/export business safe from intrusion. If I recall correctly, your sales brochure promised "100% protection from rival thugs, gangs, or vigilante twins."

Well, your security system not only failed to live up to its promised standard, but cost me and several of my associates severe physical trauma from the resulting intrusion. I shall relate the following events in order to provide a full and complete picture.

Last Thursday on July 5th, a man wearing a blue jumpsuit with orange hair broke into my warehouse. This is not the first time we have had to deal with this individual . As a matter of fact, he is well known to my organization as Billy Lee. Billy also has a twin brother named Jimmy. Together they form a potent team known as the Double Dragons that has tormented my syndicate for years. We are sure it was Billy who thwarted your much-vaunted system as he always wears the same blue outfit while his brother wears a red jumpsuit.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jul 17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736357 Guy Who Is Very Afraid Of A False Date Rape Accusation Fri, 20 Jul 2007 14:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736357/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> After a night out cruising the local bars, college student Michael Sampson returns to his apartment with part time hair stylist/ full time hussie Sara Williams. Passion is in the air as the two round third base on Michael's bed.

Sara: Oh Michael, you're the hottest guy I've seen in weeks. I think it's time we stop fooling around and get down to business.

Michael: Get down to business? You mean, like sex?

Sara: That's exactly what I mean. Sex.

Michael: I'm sorry, can you say that one more time.

Michael pulls a microphone attached to a cord from underneath the bed

Sara: What's that?

Michael: I thought we'd uh...record ourselves. For future enjoyment, you know.

Sara: Sounds kinky. I can't wait to play back a tape of ourselves having hot, hot sex.

Michael: Exactly what I was thinking. Now, what's your name?

Sara: Sara.

Michael: No, your full name.

Sara: Uhh...Sara Williams.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jul 16 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 80 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735394 Places Where Setting Off Fireworks Would Probably Be Frowned Upon Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735394/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
  • The Library of Congress
  • The ball pit at your local Chuck E. Cheese
  • A friend's funeral
  • A friend's wedding
  • Your parent's attic with the only remaining photographs of Great Grandma and Grandpa, not to mention Great Aunt Emma's boots she wore to school for ten f*cking years straight during the Depression
  • The produce section of the grocery store
  • An endangered species wildlife habitat
  • Your boss's private bathroom
  • Your friend's living room during a viewing of Independence Day
  • Outside a Scottish or British airport
  • Inside a submarine
  • A clinic for chronic migraine sufferers and epilepsy patients
  • In or around any forest in California
  • Tiananman Square whilst waving the American flag
  • Inside your sister's Barbie three-story dream house
  • The 18th hole of the PGA tournament
    • View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jul 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734911 Bob Saget Loses It on the Set of 'America's Funniest Home Videos' Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734911/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


    Saget: Let the voting begin

    Announcer: Who will it be? Fainting Usher? Cat Falling Off TV? Or the Amazing Colossal Baby? We'll find out in a moment...

    Saget: And now the winner of the $10,000 for this week's funniest home video is...

    :::Drum roll:::

    Saget: Cat Falling Off T--wait, what?

    :::Audience applauds uproariously:::

    Saget: Oh, you have got to be shitting me America. You people voted Cat Falling Off TV number one? What the hell was wrong with Dude Slips on Diving Board and Bangs His Crotch? What about Skiing Mishap where that guy plows into the old lady? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? Do you even know what funny is? Last time I checked a cat falling off a TV was pretty not fucking hilarious.

    Exec 1: Mr. Saget, calm down. Everyone agrees those other videos were funny, too.

    Saget: No, you calm down Stan. I can't take this anymore. What the hell am I up here for? So these mindless buffoons can vote for a shitty cat falling off a shitty TV? How about next week I show a video of me spraying feces all over my kitchen. That'd probably win the $100,000 Grand Prize of the Year. Fuck!

    :::Saget kicks over a lamp:::

    Some random guy in the audience: Hey fuck you asshole! I voted for Cat Falling Off TV.

    Exec 2: Now let's get a hold of ourselves Bob.

    Saget: You get a hold of yourself Craig. I know what funny is. I invented funny, asshole. How about that voice over I did for the video of the dog that slipped on the kitchen floor and knocked over the toddler? I was all like "Ru-ro! Rorry arout rat" with my dog voice. That's gold, man.

    Mother of the $10,000 winning family: Hey Danny Tanner, we won the contest anyway. Pay up asshole.

    Saget: Bitch, sit your fat ass down! And don't call me Danny Tanner.

    Announcer: Why don't you sit your skinny ass down Danny Tanner. Whoops, I mean bitch.

    Saget: I'm about three seconds from climbing up in that booth Larry. Shut the hell up.

    Announcer: Oh sorry Danny Tanner. Can you forgive me Danny Tanner? Danny Tanner, party of one, your table is ready. Paging Danny Tanner, Danny Tanner you have a telephone call at the front desk.

    Audience: [Chanting] Give them the cash, give them the cash!

    Saget: [Knocking over furniture] You can all go to hell! Nobody is getting shit this week. Cats falling off TVs, toddlers slipping in the bath tub. Aaaargh! You all suck major ass.

    Audience: Give them the cash, give them the cash!

    Exec 1 [Whispers to Exec 2] Get John Stamos on the phone.

    Exec 2: Who?

    Exec 1: Jesse. Of Jesse and the Rippers. [Rolls eyes, sighs] 'Full House.' You know, "Uncle" Jesse.

    Exec 2: Oh yeah, right. Hold on.

    Random Guy: I remember when you were nothing but a cook on 'The Greatest American Hero.' You're still a nothing Saget.

    Announcer: Danny Tannerino. Danny Danny fo-fanny, fee fi fo fanny, Danny!

    Saget: [Pointing at Random Guy] You couldn't land a bit role as a recovering crack addict who sucks dick for coke if you tried.

    Exec 1: Bob, we have somebody very special on the phone for you.

    Saget: Fuck you Stan. I'm done, I'm done with this bullshit show.

    :::Exec 2 holds up phone:::

    Stamos: Hey Bob! What's up man?

    Saget: John? I-I-Is that you?

    Stamos: Have mercyyyyy! I hear you're having a bit of an off day.

    Exec 1: [To Sound Technician] Cue piano

    Saget: Yeah, you could say that.

    Stamos: What's the theme song for our show again?

    Saget: Oh God John, not now.

    Stamos. Come on. I know you know this by heart. [Snaps fingers] "Whatever happened to predictability?"

    Saget: "The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV."

    Stamos: Feeling better now?



    Saget: Yeah. Thanks John. America, I'd like to offer my most sincere apology to anyone who was offended. Furthermore...

    Exec 1 [Whispers to Exec 2] Have John call Dave Coulier next. I just received word the grand prize winner was some guy who can mimic the sound of an electric shaver and now it's absolute bedlam on the set of 'America's Funniest People.'



    View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jun 26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734798 The Best Long Distance Deal Ever? Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734798/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


    Holy shit! I can call all my peeps in Vietnam for less than a dime a minute?

    I also love how the Yahoo smiley face guy looks like he's having an orgasm while pretend talking on his hand phone. I guess that explains why his right hand isn't in the picture.

    View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jun 25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733334 Internal Monologues of Various Professional Types as They Stand Inside a Crowded Subway Car Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733334/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> An Elderly English Physician

    "I say, who is that rubbing up against my thigh? I'd turn my head to see but then I might end up embarrassing the both of us."

    "I really must stop chewing those cinnamon Altoids. They give me the winds something awful and I'm quite sure I may be on the verge of rupturing my colon if I have to hold this gaseous thunderstorm in any longer."

    "Oh Good Lord, it's that new medical intern that just started at the hospital this week who's nudging my thigh. Little brown noser surely followed me on here. As if that's going to stop me from marking "Mediocre" on his performance rate sheet at the end of the term."

    "Why in bloody hell did we just stop? Does the city only employ illiterates any longer for its mundane blue collar tasks?

    "Good God I can't hold the gas any longer!"

    "That damn intern just won't leave me in peace."

    "Wait a tic. Ah-ha! I have an idea! Okay, and...oh yeah, that feels better. William old chap, you've still got it!"


    A TV Evangelist

    "Yep, she's going to hell. He's going to hell. He's definately gonna fry big time. Thank you Oh Lord for blessing me with the gift of insight."

    "Well, since most people will wind up in hell, I wonder if it's really all that bad. Fire and brimstone, unquenchable thirst...sounds like Tijuana, really.

    "What in hell...whoops, forgive me Oh Lord...what in blazes is that smell?"

    "I mean, I was in Tijuana once years ago. Hell can't be any worse. Oh Goodness, I hope no one ever finds out about that prostitute I saw there. Isabella may not have had legs, but she sure knew how to give some mean head. Forgive me Father."

    "Look at those gays over there, smooching and carrying on. They have no idea what awaits them below. I take it back about Tijuana. No just God would send those perverts to a hell no worse than the same place I landed a sweet beej. Hell has to be bad. Real bad."

    "Sure could go for a BJ now come to think of it. I'll give Meredith a call, tell her to wait for me in the baptism pool."


    A Rock Musician

    "Did that preacher dude just look at me? Fag."

    "Wonder if anyone has drugs on this sub."

    "Everyone disses on "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by Poison. It's like the perfect rock song, though. Not that my band mates would understand. Assholes."

    "What the fuck is that smell? Holy shit! I bet it's that preacher dude who looked at me. Look at him all smiling into his cell phone. What a perv.

    "Eeeeeevery rose has its thooooorn! Just like eeeeeevery night has its dawn!"

    "I need some fucking drugs! Come on all you suit and tie motherfuckers, whose got the drugs?!"

    "Just like eeeeeevery cowboy, sings his sad, sad song. Every rose has its thorn."


    A Literary Professor with a penchant for Ernest Hemingway

    "This sub smells."

    "My feet are tired."

    "The sounds outside this sub are loud and remind me of war."

    "Where is that smell coming from? Holy shit that is noxious!"

    "I've never been to war."

    "War sounds...hard."

    "I need rest."

    "No chair is open. Soon I will die here. Of this I am sure."

    "That smell! I can't stand it! And why aren't we moving! Why? Why? This is hell. I am in hell!"

    "To die. In the sub."


    View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Jun 8 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />     http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733120 Charles Dickens Answers a Question On 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733120/ts:33 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
    Meredith Vieira: Okay, first question for $100, Mr. Dickens. What common household pet is known for making a "meow" sound? Is it A.) Dog, B.) Cat, C.) Fish or D.) Zebra?

    Dickens: Ah yes, a very good question to originate our proceedings. I shalt look forward with much gusto in my articulations regarding the answer that I will hastily provide in so manner as to satisfy both my esteemed and lovely hostess while also entertaining these fine guests who hath joined us here for this lovely and quite possibly lucrative affair.

    By Jove, I do swear upon the grave of my wonderful mother whom I remember having fallen ill only a fortnight and one year past and eventually passing by the hand of that vile demon Whooping Cough on the fifteenth of May in the Year of Our Lord 2006, that I hath never seen such a fearsome display of both gadgetry and refulgent technological wizardry as beheld in this studio. Upon my word Madam, I do sit here aghast to the point that words escape me at the present moment. Even though the aged and wizened will regale youth with the truth that at times it is better to sit quietly and listen, my failure to pronounce a verdict upon your inquiry due to my momentary periodic shock to the senses shall not help us here for the duration of my stay. At this very moment I am as David was when that puerile lad faced the human monstrosity known as Goliath. A terrible fellow he was in his day! Much thanks do I give the good Lord who helped David smite that pagan Philistine down in his tracks as thunder doth crack from the heavens. By Jove!

    Meredith Vieira: Do you have an answer Mr. Dickens?

    Dickens: An answer, indeed my lady whose eyes do shine like the torch held aloft in the crisp night air by the Statue of Liberty. I hath all but forgotten in the
    outpouring of my mental deliberation the salient cause at hand. I humbly beg the forgiveness of my hostess in the absence of my reason and good manners. I make a firm vow before you, these revered guests in the audience, and in the presence of the Archangel Michael himself that I shalt deliver a satisfactory response to your prior scrutiny. This vow I do keep bound tight to my heart, nestled betwixt my bosom.

    :::Mild chuckles in the audience:::

    Dickens: I do say, I fear there are those among the good persons seated around me that do not fully conceptualize the dire and momentous arrangement of my promise to the good hostess whose hair doth remind me of sweet cinnamon, and hath offended all with proper senses by engaging in a laughing fit. I say, who were the young rascals responsible for such a depraved and licentious ejaculation?

    :::Bursts of laughter from the audience:::

    Dickens: By the Good Lord and all that sits high above our mortal forms, I hath never encountered such a salacious spasm of sacrilege, and in the presence of a fine lady who surely does resemble Gabriel in purity and lightness. Madam, I shall trouble ye no further and announce my answer to your most recent examination. You asked what pet doth make a "meow" sound. Why, it is a pussy, of course. A warm, fuzzy pussy doth certainly "meow" when stroked with nimble fingers and a tender palm.

    :::Laughter explodes from the audience:::

    Dickens: I do say, more merriment in the wake of the climax of my vow. By Jove! I shall have no more of this barbaric intrusion and seek redress in the dressing room. Farewell my most kind and forgiving host. I shall have no more of this impertinent hullabaloo!

    View Article
    ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Jun 6 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:360/ts:33">Dean</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />