CollegeHumor: User 374's Articles

Playing Street Hockey in New York City

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 17:25:14 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Four kids play hockey on a tree-lined street in New York City.

Timmy: Game on!

Brad:�Car.

Car drives by.

Timmy: Alright, game on!

Brad:�Car!

Car drives by.

Timmy: Hurry up! Ga--

Brad: Car!

Car drives by.

Timmy: This is getting stupid, let's just play.

Brad: Yeah, we're clear, game on.

Timmy: Nice! I'm open, pass me the ball!

Brad: It's a puck. Car!

Car drives by.

Brad: GAME ON!

Timmy: �Oka--

CRASH

(keep reading)

Brad�rolls over the hood of the car, his body crumples lifeless onto the pavement. His white t-shirt is soaked with blood.

Timmy: SOMEONE CALL�911!

-------------------------------------------

An ambulance, sirens wailing, flies through the streets of New York.�Brad is surrounded by EMT doctors.�Blood bubbles and pops from his mouth as he struggles to breathe.�His bloody knuckles still clutch his hockey stick.

EMT 1: He's�crashing!�His lung's collapsed and he's taking on fluid!

EMT 2: This can't wait. We need to perform a trachaeotomy now!

The EMT Slices open�Timmy's neck and jams a tube through the open wound

EMT 2: Can't we get there any faster?

Amublance driver:�(Turning around) I'm going as fast as I can--

Seeing the sight of Timmy's body, the ambulance driver's face goes pale.

Ambulance driver: Oh. My. God.

-------------------------------------------

Two�doctors fervishly�operate on�Brad's body,�they look strained,�beads of sweat drip from�their brows as�nurses surround�them.

Doctor 1: God damn it. Don't you die on me.

Doctor 2: You need to calm down, John.

Doctor 1: Don't tell me how to do my job Ken. Give me my fucking scalpel. I can do this, I have to do this.

Nurse: He's going into Cardiac arrest.

Brad's heart fails. The EKG emits a loud, steady, flat-line.

Doctor 1: (Grabs the defibrillator, and frantically rubs the paddles together) Clear!

Silence.

Doctor 1: Clear!

Silence.

Doctor 1: Clear!

Doctor 2: He's gone,�John.

Doctor 1 casts aside the defibrillator and begins pounding his fists on�Brad's chest in a vain attempt at CPR

Nurse: There's nothing we can do! It's over, Doctor. You have to call it.

Doctor 1: (Crying) I'm not calling anything!

The anguished man throws himself over�Brad's body. Defeated, he mutters curses to God, to fate, to a ghost, to no one. The two bodies silently melt into one dark shadow. Doctor 2 leaves the room and passes a�young nurse on his way out.

Nurse: What's gotten in to Dr. Smith?

Doctor 2: That was his son.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:374"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/d/collegehumor.17e90d17e1a0018617aa1d6d1d2e78ed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:374">David Cho</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1120"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Dan Gurewitch is handsome and this is his favorite t-shirt.

Fri, 18 May 2007 13:59:56 -0400

If you liked the update, you'll love the t-shirt. Seriously.

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The Morning After The Hills - With friends like these...

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 11:12:13 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> After the last few episodes of nothing really happening, it was about time for some shit to hit the fan, and that’s what happened this week as Lauren's best friend Jen makes her final push to replace Whitney as a featured character on the show.

The whole episode revolves around Jen’s 21st birthday (omfg!), but the drama starts early, as Heidi and Jen go shopping and figure out a way to setup Brody, Lauren’s crush and most recent hookup, with Jen.

[upload:942065:small:left:Ryan Cabrera's dream come true.]Two quick Jen related notes: 1) doesn’t Jen look very much like a poor man’s pre-nosejob Ashlee Simpson? I could definitely see Jen singing pop-punk songs about dating Ryan Cabrera and her more famous sister, 2) if you’re wondering what Spencer keeps calling her, it’s "Bunney," as in her last name, as in all you need to know to Google her myspace or find her Facebook, or to find the Facebook invitation to her birthday party (Jen’s 21st. Yay!).� So that’s that!

Throughout the show, one of the most glaringly obvious trends was the resurgence amongst douchebags (and their girlfriends) in LA using the word "mack."� Spencer says it when he’s advising Brody (more on this later) to, "totally mack Jen, get in the backdoor," and Heidi then confirms to Jen that Brody would totally "mack her, A.S.A.P."� So, if you’ve always wanted to sound like a dickhead, but never thought you could quite get the hang of it, now you know what to do!

Before Jen’s AWESOME party (yay!) at Les Deux, the girls go out to dinner at their MTV co-worker Ashton Kutcher’s restaurant, Geisha House.� It’s at this very dinner where Lauren really shows the difference between friends and BEST friends (her words not mine) by giving Jen a diamond encrusted necklace.� Jen is obviously very grateful, as she then goes on to go to ditch Lauren at the party to go to Brody’s condo where, more than likely, macking ensued, possibly through the backdoor.�

[upload:942080:small:right:You're telling me you don't want to mack with this guy?]Heidi really steps up her "I’m a heinous bitch" game by pushing a hesitant Jen right into Brody's lap and then later on denying that she had anything to do with the two of them hooking up.� This results in the big fight between the two main characters and is really really awkward and uncomfortable; the show closes with Heidi and Lauren fighting about how awful a person Spencer is, with Heidi defending her man/manager to the death.

You know it’s a weird show when “Epic intern Chiara” (wait, who?) and Audrina are the voices of reason.

Lastly, in case there was ever any doubt that Spencer is the worst person ever alive, here’s what he told Brody Jenner to do in regards to Nicole Richie:

"Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that sh--, bro. You'll be, like, a f---ing hero to America."

Seriously bro, process that shit

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The Morning After The Hills - "You have chosen..."

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 10:29:18 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Last episode ended with Heidi going back to Spencer, a.k.a. the worst person ever, much to the chagrin of everyone else. Subsequently, this episode deals with everyone talking about how awful a decision that is, and Heidi denying it the entire time. Pretty much everyone just keeps arguing and it's all very very awkward.

[upload:914109:small:left:This picture would be better if it was Spencer getting Dave Coolier drunk.]Since nothing really happened besides a huge drunken fight between Spencer and Lauren, the classic best friend v. boyfriend argument, I thought it would be worth mentioning a lot of the things that you probably didn’t notice unless you were watching the show and taking notes to write an update about it:

-Apparently Lauren and Heidi have a cat? When did this happen? Could we not get an episode where they somehow justify being able to take care of an animal even though they're barely capable of taking care of themselves?

-Remember when MTV tried to convince the audience that Lauren’s nickname was "L.C."? Sigh, those were the days.

-How great was it when Brody and Lauren were talking about how Spencer was dicking over Heidi, and it’s completely obvious that Brody’s thinking: “Ok, I know I’m on TV and in front of her best friend, so I have to play it cool even though I think it’s totally bro-tastic that Spencer gave the same flowers he gave to Heidi to her best friend Audrina.”

If you’re like me, then you’re probably wishing there was some way to have Brody use really obvious pickup lines to try and get you to make out with him. Lucky for you, US Weekly is making dreams come true by offering the contest: “Win a Date with Brody Jenner”! Now you can also have someone tell you that your weird straight smile is his favorite kind of smile! SRSLY, WHO’S NOT SWOONING!

-Some great MTV synergy in the commercials: the fighting twins from 8th and Ocean were in an Acuvue ad, busting their chops as actresses, somehow seeming like they didn’t hate each other.

-I’m not the only person that thinks Spencer’s head looks like a brillo pad right?

[upload:914111:small:right:How rude!]-Some great basic cable synergy: Nick from Bravo's Project Runway was teaching at Lauren's school, no explanation as to why, but it was during a really great sad montage of Lauren’s long day.

The best moment of the show was when Heidi tells Lauren that “You’re (Lauren) the most important person in my life ever…” because otherwise there’s no way that Heidi would have an album coming out this year.

Also, contrary to popular belief, Jason (Lauren's old boyfriend) and Jodie Sweetin (TV's favorite middle daughter Stephanie Tanner) are not dating, but they "just met once and are 'just friends'". Steve > Jason, right?

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The Morning After The Hills - "One Big Interruption"

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 10:47:12 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
So since we’re getting into this a few weeks late, let’s recap what we’ve learned on The Hills so far this year:

-Heidi started dating the worst person in the world, Spencer Pratt. So far he’s cheated on her with her former bff Audrina and three blonde playmates (one of which called him her “boo”). Here’s a link to his MySpace, just you know, FYI.

-Spencer introduced Lauren to his best friend, and former Princes of Malibu (it was a Simple Life-ish show that only aired like three episodes and was canceled soon thereafter; don’t worry, you’re not the only one who’s never heard of it) co-star Brody Jenner. Fun fact: Brody used to date Kristin Cavallari and Nicole Richie

-Lauren still works at Teen Vogue where they try to make it not seem completely obvious that they gave her a job just because MTV promised to do a show that would put their mast head all over the channel. Heidi still works at BoltHouse where they try even harder to make it seem like Heidi deserved her job. Moral of the story? Drop out of college your freshman year and you can get any job you want, as long as you have a reality show following you, you know, as long as that show isn’t TwentyFourSeven (R.I.P. Cipes).

[upload:884163:small:right:Fourth time's the charm!]The last episode left us with a Heidi who couldn’t walk up the steps to her apartment because she was so heartbroken about finding out that Spencer went to a club without her (when he thought she was out of town) and, instead, with three really dumb blonde sluts. I think we can all relate when she says: “I was really falling in love with him…”

This episode starts with Heidi and Audrina talking about Spencer as they come to the realization that he gave both of them the same flowers, while also trying to hook up with both of them (succeeding with Heidi only obvs), all on the same day. They also name drop PinkBerry, which is pretty much the best frozen yogurt ever and hopefully if we mention it, we can get a ton of it for free too.

Lauren’s task for the episode is dealing with the “New York Intern” Emily. Emily sets the tone for the show, most likely after some coaxing from the show’s producers, by setting her stuff up on Lauren’s desk at work and then taking charge at work, saying: “We’ve got some Mapquesting to do.” Simply put, this girl is like the really motivated girl when you have a group project who has all of her pens organized by ROY G BIV and then gets pissed when you forget to finish your part of the assignment because you were busy watching The Hills and taking notes so that you could write a recap of the show.

Oh yeah, Whitney has her wisdom teeth removed and supposedly has “dry sockets”, which is great for her. Why is she even in the opening credits anymore?

Although at one point, Heidi and Lauren (and then the other girl “Jen” who is trying, and failing miserably, to get a reoccurring spot on the show) are at dinner when Heidi decides that she needs a break from Spencer—which makes sense, because he’s been cheating on her the entire time. But right when you think Heidi’s come to her senses, (one commercial break later) we see her getting into Spencer’s car, giving him another chance.

Love prevails yet again!

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A good way to let people know you watch YouTube videos!

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 15:33:23 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In case you've been wondering how to go about wearing your favorite part of a viral video, here's your chance: The "Dick in a Box" T-shirt.

Wow.

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A Guide To Booty-Callz

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 10:59:21 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Alexander Graham Bell. Here are some other ways to go about reaching out to the opposite sex and what they say about you:

Type: IM
Example: "AvgDuder103: Hey do you want to come over and watch a movie?"
Who uses it: Pretty much any and every guy you know.
What it really means: I got your screenname to get notes from you freshman year, but that doesn't mean I'm above soliciting you to come aggressively spoon while we pretend to watch Anchorman/Saving Private Ryan.

Type: Text Message
Example: "R U still up? Want 2 hang out?"
Who uses it: Pretty much any and every drunk guy you know at the end of the night.
What it really means: You liked me enough to give me your phone number, you mean to tell me that you don't like me enough to holler when I send you an SMS message?

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