CollegeHumor: Comments by David Cho

Playing Street Hockey in New York City

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 17:25:14 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Four kids play hockey on a tree-lined street in New York City.

Timmy: Game on!

Brad:�Car.

Car drives by.

Timmy: Alright, game on!

Brad:�Car!

Car drives by.

Timmy: Hurry up! Ga--

Brad: Car!

Car drives by.

Timmy: This is getting stupid, let's just play.

Brad: Yeah, we're clear, game on.

Timmy: Nice! I'm open, pass me the ball!

Brad: It's a puck. Car!

Car drives by.

Brad: GAME ON!

Timmy: �Oka--

CRASH

(keep reading)

Brad�rolls over the hood of the car, his body crumples lifeless onto the pavement. His white t-shirt is soaked with blood.

Timmy: SOMEONE CALL�911!

-------------------------------------------

An ambulance, sirens wailing, flies through the streets of New York.�Brad is surrounded by EMT doctors.�Blood bubbles and pops from his mouth as he struggles to breathe.�His bloody knuckles still clutch his hockey stick.

EMT 1: He's�crashing!�His lung's collapsed and he's taking on fluid!

EMT 2: This can't wait. We need to perform a trachaeotomy now!

The EMT Slices open�Timmy's neck and jams a tube through the open wound

EMT 2: Can't we get there any faster?

Amublance driver:�(Turning around) I'm going as fast as I can--

Seeing the sight of Timmy's body, the ambulance driver's face goes pale.

Ambulance driver: Oh. My. God.

-------------------------------------------

Two�doctors fervishly�operate on�Brad's body,�they look strained,�beads of sweat drip from�their brows as�nurses surround�them.

Doctor 1: God damn it. Don't you die on me.

Doctor 2: You need to calm down, John.

Doctor 1: Don't tell me how to do my job Ken. Give me my fucking scalpel. I can do this, I have to do this.

Nurse: He's going into Cardiac arrest.

Brad's heart fails. The EKG emits a loud, steady, flat-line.

Doctor 1: (Grabs the defibrillator, and frantically rubs the paddles together) Clear!

Silence.

Doctor 1: Clear!

Silence.

Doctor 1: Clear!

Doctor 2: He's gone,�John.

Doctor 1 casts aside the defibrillator and begins pounding his fists on�Brad's chest in a vain attempt at CPR

Nurse: There's nothing we can do! It's over, Doctor. You have to call it.

Doctor 1: (Crying) I'm not calling anything!

The anguished man throws himself over�Brad's body. Defeated, he mutters curses to God, to fate, to a ghost, to no one. The two bodies silently melt into one dark shadow. Doctor 2 leaves the room and passes a�young nurse on his way out.

Nurse: What's gotten in to Dr. Smith?

Doctor 2: That was his son.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:374"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/d/collegehumor.17e90d17e1a0018617aa1d6d1d2e78ed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:374">David Cho</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1120"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Recital Meltdown

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:11:33 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1761853"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/d/collegehumor.07e7143fe1c418577306dfade2978f17.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1815 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Funnies - Eskimo Argument

Wed, 30 May 2007 15:06:07 -0400

Hi, I'm Will - owner of four hysterical wigs, frequent guitar player and CollegeHumor art intern. I can draw anything in the world, but somehow I'm stuck drawing cartoons for the CH writers. This week's cartoon came from Streeter Seidell, who has - no kidding - over twelve ideas for Eskimo-themed cartoons. This is but one of them. Enjoy.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:917478"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.baby.23.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-30 15:06:07 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:917478">Will Schneider</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 24 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Times Square Breaking

Tue, 15 May 2007 15:24:51 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1759670"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/8/collegehumor.834ccdcfe97f65c96d61fef8f0fd5617.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1801 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Times Square Breaking

Tue, 15 May 2007 15:24:51 -0400

My Train of Thought Before, During, and After A First Kiss

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 17:23:14 -0400

Get yourself together! You’re Cruise, you’re Pitt… no, you’re Swayze. You’re “Ghost”-era Swayze, and she is your pre-Ashton Demi. Like them, what you need right now is the Hand-on-Hand. A gentle Hand-on-Hand will be your romantic traffic light. If she accepts, it’s green, and you go. If she accepts tentatively, it’s yellow, and you go. What would Swayze say if he were here? He’d say “The red bulb is broken, baby,” and then he would play a guitar solo on a moving motorcycle. Let’s do this.

You’re Hand-on-Hand, but oh man, your palms, your palms! She probably thinks you just crawled through a vat of diced honeydew. No, that’s ridiculous, why would she possibly assume that you were hello, she’s moving her thumb back and forth! This is monumental. This is the moon landing, this is the fall of the Berlin Wall, this is a Hall & Oates reunion tour. Now, focus. Distract her by pointing to an “owl” so you can get out your Certs and eat one, fast. You don’t need a lot of Certs – just one singular Cert will do.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-27 17:23:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 204 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Hell Week at the most Mean-Spirited Frat in the World

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:17:05 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Twelve pledges stand at the lobby of a frathouse looking weak, pale, and dejected. The Pledgemaster stands in front of them all. He is pacing.

Pledgemaster: You guys have been sleeping on our front lawn for a week now. No showers, no food, no friends. Just the brotherhood.� You've earned enough respect for us to take you through hell week.

Pledge Ben: I thought that was hell week.

Pledgemaster: Leave. Congrats to the final ten of you.

Pledge Alan: There's eleven of us.

Pledgemaster: Goodbye. Welcome to the real final ten.

Everybody starts clapping.

Pledgemaster: Hell week is gonna be brutal. There's no doubt about it. Point blank: Hazing sucks. But don't worry: No gay stuff. No forced-drinking.

Pledge Calvin: Awesome.

Pledgemaster: Calvin. You're being very talkative today. Why don't you take out your cell phone and have a nice little chat with your mother. Call her and tell her that your little sister has been in a car accident.

Pledge Calvin: I don't have a little sister, sir.

Pledgemaster: Then Rory, call Calvin’s mother and tell her that her precious son is dead.

Rory begins dialing.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-25 14:17:05 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 158 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Pizza Tossing Championship

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 11:11:09 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1750783"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/3/collegehumor.d61dded693bf3b7514b5e113259cc619.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:279">Jeff Rubin</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:215"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 121 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Severe Typographical Error

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 17:49:20 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1402"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/e/collegehumor.6a8ec782154e833311ec16ee45c9aaf3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-25 17:49:20 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1402">Jesse Gold</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1035"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 72 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Rizzy - Stallin

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 12:56:43 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1750379"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/default/collegehumor.jester.31.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:675611">brandon marshall</a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1750379">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Cap Boso #7

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:30:53 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:398726"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/1/collegehumor.7b68c6df2a6ca22f19350f01644dc3b8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-15 17:30:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:398726">Cap Boso</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 62 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

CH Interviews: Kirk Fogg

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 14:05:55 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> If you are anything like me, you grew up watching Nickelodeon gameshows. Double Dare, Guts, Nick Arcade, and of course Legends of the Hidden Temple. It is without any hint of sarcasm that I say that this interview with Legends of the Hidden Temple host, Kirk Fogg marks one of the highest points in my life.

How many migraines did you get per day, on average? My head held up pretty good, it was my back that killed me. Standing on a cement floor 14 hours a day will do that- Oh wait, I forgot. Once I smacked my head going into the swamp on the day I made my attempt to get through the temple (I made it by the way.)

What made you decide to go with khaki shorts verses jeans on a given day of shooting? Well, I thought everyone could tell that the khaki shorts were the first season. After that they put pants on me.� I think they were frightened by my large calves.

Why did you give away trips to Universal Studios Florida? Weren't you all already there?� TALK TO THE PRODUCERS.� I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

What happened to kids after the temple guard got them? There was only one disembowelment that I know of. Otherwise they all were sent back to their mothers, some crying harder than others.

Some of the kids must have misbehaved or been a pain otherwise. Any memorable horror stories? Let� me think… Everyone was cool.� I think the toughest thing was that we shot 4 shows a day doing all the moat crossings first, then the steps, then the games, then, finally, after 12 hours- the temple run. Kids were generally wiped out so keeping their energy levels up was difficult especially after lunch where they were always given pizza. I believe that slowed them down. Only one real horror story, Olmec got pissed one day and ate part of the ledges.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/1/collegehumor.2618616bb5cffc06c7d7b8216893ee97.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-28 14:05:55 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:298">Jake Hurwitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:55"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 38 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Michael Showalter Showalter: Michael Ian Black

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 18:00:00 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1744730"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/9/collegehumor.345fb94da9c277cd9a8061398a9bceb4.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 589 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

CH Sports Weekly: Bonds on Bonds on Bonds

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 17:29:10 -0500

Ethan: Intros are for jerks, so let's get down to business: who's #1 in NCAA hoops?

[upload:920559:small:left:There can only be ONE #1 team. Until Selection Sunday. Then there's four of them.]Amir: Nobody really knows, and the best part about it: it really doesn't matter. This isn't college football. There can, and will be, four number ones. Then a month later, we'll know the exact answer: George Mason. They really thought of everything!

Ethan: You call that an answer? Tim Hardaway's given more coherent and complete responses to questions in the last week.

Amir: Well, I can tell you who it's not: Wisconsin.

Ethan: Sorry, I don't read the AP Poll.

Amir: I love how ESPN is playing up the fact that they had them at #2 in their poll. "NUMBER TWO falters!" "The SECOND BEST team in the nation lost today." It's the largest sports network in the world and they make no reference to the fact that the Badgers were #1 in the AP poll. To them, there is only one newspaper in the world: USA Today.

Ethan: It's what America reads, after all. I'm not all that sold on Wisconsin, either. I like Tucker, but the few times I've seen them play, they don't have that scary dominant feel that most champs do.

Amir: They're kinda like their football team. Just good enough to stick around.

Ethan: It feels too much like the Alando Show to go all that far. I think it's hard to pick against Florida. They've got experience, don't have a glaring weakness, are well-coached, and opposing players turn to stone just from looking at Joakim Noah. So, who do you actually like?

Amir: I would say Florida too. Experience is such a funny term though in college basketball. In a sport where the greatest players stick around for only one whole season, when you can get a starting five that actually has a few juniors/seniors on it, you're an experienced team. "Wow! He's been here for four years!? What was 2003 like, Grandpa!?"

Ethan: "Do you remember Chris Paul!?"

Amir: "Was UConn ever good at basketball!?"

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:233"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/d/collegehumor.b4ac6dcf20609e2b4ad0c4cd25e50307.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-21 17:29:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:233">Amir and Ethan</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After The Hills - "You have chosen..."

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 10:29:18 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Last episode ended with Heidi going back to Spencer, a.k.a. the worst person ever, much to the chagrin of everyone else. Subsequently, this episode deals with everyone talking about how awful a decision that is, and Heidi denying it the entire time. Pretty much everyone just keeps arguing and it's all very very awkward.

[upload:914109:small:left:This picture would be better if it was Spencer getting Dave Coolier drunk.]Since nothing really happened besides a huge drunken fight between Spencer and Lauren, the classic best friend v. boyfriend argument, I thought it would be worth mentioning a lot of the things that you probably didn’t notice unless you were watching the show and taking notes to write an update about it:

-Apparently Lauren and Heidi have a cat? When did this happen? Could we not get an episode where they somehow justify being able to take care of an animal even though they're barely capable of taking care of themselves?

-Remember when MTV tried to convince the audience that Lauren’s nickname was "L.C."? Sigh, those were the days.

-How great was it when Brody and Lauren were talking about how Spencer was dicking over Heidi, and it’s completely obvious that Brody’s thinking: “Ok, I know I’m on TV and in front of her best friend, so I have to play it cool even though I think it’s totally bro-tastic that Spencer gave the same flowers he gave to Heidi to her best friend Audrina.”

If you’re like me, then you’re probably wishing there was some way to have Brody use really obvious pickup lines to try and get you to make out with him. Lucky for you, US Weekly is making dreams come true by offering the contest: “Win a Date with Brody Jenner”! Now you can also have someone tell you that your weird straight smile is his favorite kind of smile! SRSLY, WHO’S NOT SWOONING!

-Some great MTV synergy in the commercials: the fighting twins from 8th and Ocean were in an Acuvue ad, busting their chops as actresses, somehow seeming like they didn’t hate each other.

-I’m not the only person that thinks Spencer’s head looks like a brillo pad right?

[upload:914111:small:right:How rude!]-Some great basic cable synergy: Nick from Bravo's Project Runway was teaching at Lauren's school, no explanation as to why, but it was during a really great sad montage of Lauren’s long day.

The best moment of the show was when Heidi tells Lauren that “You’re (Lauren) the most important person in my life ever…” because otherwise there’s no way that Heidi would have an album coming out this year.

Also, contrary to popular belief, Jason (Lauren's old boyfriend) and Jodie Sweetin (TV's favorite middle daughter Stephanie Tanner) are not dating, but they "just met once and are 'just friends'". Steve > Jason, right?

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Cap Boso #3

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:33:26 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:398726"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/1/collegehumor.7b68c6df2a6ca22f19350f01644dc3b8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-13 17:33:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:398726">Cap Boso</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 49 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Skip 'n Dale's

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 10:36:53 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1741865"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/0/collegehumor.b9db106fbe90d85236f58f705483dd34.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:21877">CH Staff</a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 339 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Cap Boso #2

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 14:27:33 -0500

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:398726"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/1/collegehumor.7b68c6df2a6ca22f19350f01644dc3b8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-07 14:27:33 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:398726">Cap Boso</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 30 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Maybe "Garfield" Will Be Funny If I Re-Enact It With My Cat

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 11:54:09 -0500

...Nope!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/d/3/collegehumor.6ab7686d87358ff55bab1a935bae57f6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-30 11:54:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:56979">Dan Gurewitch</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1210"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I know this is a bad time, but do you have the $5 you owe me?

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 10:38:25 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1735348"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/1/collegehumor.79b3d5b68176b03a8c71a0d1e654ad58.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:374">David Cho</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1120"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 297 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />