gmail.com	You are internet saavy, and approximately 50% of your inbox consists of Apple updates.  BTW, can someone invite me already?  This is getting ridiculous, seriously you guys.
hotmail.com	You signed up for your first email account in middle school and haven't bothered changing your address since.  The precursor to your extension includes either a really old hobby, a 'cool' spelling of a popular word or both (I'm looking at you, pog_gurl22).
aol.com	AOL sent you 12,000 free CDs in 6th grade and you signed up out of guilt.  In related news, you're still using free 120 hour accounts on dialup.  You also need to sign off soon, your mom really needs to use the phone. It's IMPORTANT.
yahoo.com	You were really really up to date ten years ago.  Then you went and had a bunch of stupid babies.  You still think you're up to date, but your high-waisted, tapered jeans tell another story.  And that story is really uncomfortable looking.
bangbus.com	You watch so much porn that your favorite site created a custom email account for you.  Not surprisingly, the majority of emails in your inbox are from your bff xxxCIALISxxx.
prodigy.net	You have not paid attention since the early 1990s.
mac.com	You have thick-framed glasses, and a blog where you talk about your thick-framed glasses.
netscape.net	One of your grandchildren had to explain how email works to you.  You're not entirely sure what a computer is, but you know that it helps you 'stay hip.'  Also, your dentures just fell out.  You should probably stick those back in.

Facebook: Hey.
MySpace: Sup.
Facebook: So's it going?
MySpace: It's going great, actually. How are things with you?
Facebook: Not bad. Not bad at all.
MySpace: I mean, you had a pretty good idea to start with.
Facebook: Now what is THAT supposed to mean.
MySpace: You and I both know that you based Facebook on MySpace.
Facebook: WHAT!? That's ridiculous. I don't see your users poking each other!
MySpace: That's because my users aren't GAY.
Facebook: No no, it's not like that, it's like a poke on the shoulder. Or something.
MySpace: Oh, okay.GAY.
Facebook: Well it's not as gay as Tom.
MySpace: You take that back.
Facebook: I will not.
MySpace: You take that back RIGHT. NOW.
Facebook: (singing) Tom is gay, Tom is gay.
MySpace: Yeah well at least he's not looking for "whatever he can get."
Facebook: We added that option as a JOKE.
MySpace: Oh, sure you did. Just like you added Live Feed to "keep people up to date."
Facebook: Don' even start with Live Feed. We asked our users what they wanted!
MySpace: Oh yeah, nice open letter, you homo.
Facebook: IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT THE USERS WANT!
MySpace: Lame.
Facebook: You're just jealous because your users are all old and creepy now.
MySpace: If by old and creepy you mean famous musicians, then yes, yes they are.
Facebook: That is NOT what I meant, I meant what I said.
MySpace: Watch it, Facebook. Don't make me call my Top 8.
Facebook: Oh, I'm so scared. Well YOU don't make me call my...my...
MySpace: Your what? Your "Friends We Have In Common"?
Facebook: Shut up, that's a very helpful feature! Better than "Who I'd Like To Meet"!
MySpace: Yeah, well you FREE IPOD CLICK HERE TO WIN
(pause)
Facebook: What the hell was that?!
MySpace: Oh nothing, don't worry about that, I have a tic and sometimes-
Facebook: That was a pop-up, wasn't it??
MySpace: I HAVE A TIC!!!
Facebook: Hahaha you have pop-ups and you can't control them!
MySpace: I can to! I can stop them whenever I want!
Facebook: Whatever you say, sell-out.
MySpace: Oh I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you over the sound of my money.
[Silence. A door opens]
Friendster: Oh, hey guys!! What's going on??
MySpace/Facebook: Fag.

It's 2006 and the only person calling girls to hook up with them is Alexander Graham Bell. Here are some other ways to go about reaching out to the opposite sex and what they say about you:

Type: IM
Example: "AvgDuder103: Hey do you want to come over and watch a movie?"
Who uses it: Pretty much any and every guy you know.
What it really means: I got your screenname to get notes from you freshman year, but that doesn't mean I'm above soliciting you to come aggressively spoon while we pretend to watch Anchorman/Saving Private Ryan.

Type: Text Message
Example: "R U still up? Want 2 hang out?"
Who uses it: Pretty much any and every drunk guy you know at the end of the night.
What it really means: You liked me enough to give me your phone number, you mean to tell me that you don't like me enough to holler when I send you an SMS message?