Brendan's Articles

Dear Britney (or Brittany? I can never remember- LOL!),

It seems like just yesterday I came to your dorm and watched The Guardian and listened to The Fray- I can't believe it's been three days already! Baby, I thought love like this only existed in the movies (BTW, next date, The Notebook. I swear, I really do like it!). I really can't believe how lucky I am to have met you.

You couldn't be more perfect for me, which is why I think we should take our relationship to the next level. No, not second base, but that'd be awesome too, haha! I just think we need to make it official on Facebook, so you just need to accept the relationship or whatever. And don't worry, I've already MS Painted some pictures of us together, so we can have some tagged until we get around to taking real ones, ya know?

Yours Forever,

Trent

PS- Do you think next time when we watch a movie your roommate could leave? If not, that's cool too.

"Oh yeah, Chad? Well at least I'm not the lead singer of Nickelback."

And Coming Soon! "How To: Win an Argument with Scott Stapp"!

Gary is sitting in the living room, playing Halo 3, when his roommate Brent walks in and takes a seat.

Brent: Hey man, we're out of TP.

Gary: (Sighs) I guess I'll pick it up when I go out.

Brent: You alright?

Gary: Yeah- just one of those days.

Brent: I can dig it.

Gary: Yeah... so... How's the family?

Brent: They're okay.

Gary: You stay in touch?

Brent: I guess, I mean, I could always call more.

Gary: When's the last time you talked to them?

Brent: What? Why?

Gary: No reason, just making conversation. I haven't talked to my parents in, like, years, I think.

Brent: Oh, well, it hasn't been THAT long. A couple days, I guess.

Gary: So they wouldn't be concerned if, say, they didn't hear from you for a while?

Brent: Dude, you're acting really weird.

Gary: Haha, nah... I'm just messing around.

Brent: (Laughs uncomfortably) Oh, alright.

Gary: I watch you sleep.

Brent: WHAT?!

Gary: What'd you say? Didn't you say something?

Brent: You're freaking the hell outta me. (Standing up)

Gary: I'm just MESSING with you, man.

Brent: (Moving toward the door)

Gary: I want to make a suit out of your skin.

Brent: (Runs)

Gary: Pick up some TP while you're out!

This week, we see ESPN personality Chris Berman helping his 10-year-old son study for his upcoming History test.

Chris Berman’s Kid (CBK):

Chris Berman (CB): Alright, shoot.

CBK: Ok, well I really need your help though. Please don’t do what you did last time.

CB: You got it, Li’l Boomer.

CBK: Don’t call me that. Okay… so who led Germany and Italy?

CB: Germany was led by Adolf Hitler Me with Your Best Shot. (Son rolls his eyes) And Italy… Benito Bullwinkle J. Mussolini.

CBK: Alright. (Taking notes) But, seriously, you don’t have to give them nicknames, you can just tell me, that works better, I think. What about the leaders of the U.S. and England?

CB: Franklin Kiss from a Roosevelt…

CBK: (Under his breath) Seal?

CB: Aaand Winston Chuchill or High Water.

CBK: Okay, honestly, it’s just distracting. Please. Stop giving them those stupid nicknames. I just need to study. Why did America get involved in the war?

CB: Well, it’s more complicated than one issue, but the simple answer is Pearl Jam Harbor.

CBK: Pearl Jam Harbor?

CB: Ya know, Pearl Harbor, but… Pearl Jam… that grunge band that was huge in the 90’s. Eddie Vedder. Come on, you know Pearl Jam.

CBK: Ok, not only did you give a nickname to an event, it was a nickname you had to explain. Stop. No one thinks you’re funny anymore.

CB: Oh! Auschwitz-y Woman!

CBK: STOP!

CB: Harry Too Good to be Truman. George S. Patton the Back. Charles de Gaulle-righty Then. Chiang Kai-shek, Please!

CBK: (Leaving) I hate my life.