It’s my final day in Cancun, Mexico, as your official CollegeHumor Spring Break ’07 Correspondent. And, it is with great difficulty that I type this last entry. Literally.
Yesterday I compared the boys to a freshman dorm, and, if I do say so myself, that was probably a really great analogy. Somehow it doesn't translate for the girls. I think it's because I have trouble distinguishing one from the other, or from the flowers in the wallpaper, for that matter. That's probably, realistically, how freshman girl dorms really are, except that instead of a bunch of 110-pound, burnt sienna, huge-sunglass-wearing moppets in shorts that say "juicy" on the butt, we have several black girls who can really blow and a few white girls who wish they were the black girls. Oh, and Gina. All these girls have secrets, and they are totally ready to dish.
(Side note: at the beginning of the show, which is live, of course, Ryan was all worried because he couldn't find Paula. After the credits, we find her in her usual seat, right next to Simon "My Shit is Open to My Navel to Reveal the Small Forest Growing On My Chest" Cowell, and Randy reveals that she had been "under the desk." Presumably giving Simon a beej. Which Ryan more or less clarifies for the audience, in case we didn't get it.)
1. Jordin Sparks - "Heartbreaker"
Jordin's secret is that she really likes football, and that for a while, she dreamed of playing in the NFL. She's certainly built for it. Well, the girl NFL, maybe. I think Jordin is the cutest girl on this show. She looks like America Ferrara, only prettier, and while I don't think she has the best voice ever, she's at least never painful to watch. That being said, her adorableness is basically the only thing that makes me remember who she is, so she's lucky that she's so cute.
2. Sabrina Sloane - "Don't Let Go"
I think Sabrina might be going home this week. Her secret is that she used to want to be a news anchor, and we get to watch some sweet 20th century footage of Lil' Sabrina on her high school news program, wearing a polo shirt that's way too big for her. The reason I think she might go home is that she's good singer, but for the most part, all the girls are trying to do the same "I have a big voice, and I'm going to shout a song at you and break your speakers with my throat tremors" thing, and I think America can really only handle so much of the same thing. At this point, she's like a blacker, slightly less talented Christina Aguielara, but with worse hair. Her dress was cute, though.
3. Antonella Barba - "Put Your Records On"
Antonella apparently plays violin, AND she gives lessons over the summer! Sign me up for that. I'm starting to feel kind of bad for Antonella. At this point, it's no longer painful for me to listen to her sing. Her utter inability to perform well is actually pretty amusing, and it's a nice break from the Ethnic Girl Scream Fest 2007 that consumes the rest of this competition. The reason I feel bad for her is that she actually seems to believe that she's a good singer. The song today was just a mess. I bet she'd sound really awesome singing, like, "Itsy Bitsy Spider," or at least "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" or something else that is intended for preschoolers. If I were her, I'd stop pretending that I could hold a candle to the blinding light of Melinda and LaKisha's respective suns, and just get back to fondling myself in or around a national monument.
4. Haley Scarnato - "If My Heart Had Wings"
Poor, sorry, butterface Haley Scarnato. Her face looks especially stupid today, but as usual her body looks nice, because (here's the secret) she used to be a gymnast. I think this is a Faith Hill song, but I don't really listen to that kind of music, so I'm not sure. She reminds me of Marie Osmond. I'm reasonably confident that Haley is not actually my 45-year-old English teacher who was really into musical theater and had two kids, but they sure do act alike on stage. Her feelings get all hurt when Simon says he doesn't know her name, and then Paula's all, "It's Haley," and Simon's all, "But what's her SURNAME?!?!" and Paula's all, "You're mean, but I have no idea." This kid has no chance. If she gets into the Top 12, I will eat my hat. And maybe one of Phil's, too.
5. Stephanie Edwards - some Chaka Kahn song, the title of which I am too hungover to bother to discover
Stephanie's secret is that she used to be really shy. All these secrets are pretty lame, but at least they aren't about hair. Because I bet she could have busted out an awesome "my haircut didn't always used to be this stupid" nugget of information. Stephanie is really weird to me, because I recognize that she has a good voice and that she's a good performer, and there's nothing really wrong with her, but I don't enjoy watching her that much. The songs are always impressive, I guess, but not very fun to listen to. I mean, I liked her dress today, at least, but... I dunno. I think she should get a weave. And some songs with a hook.
7. Gina Glocksen - "Call Me When You're Sober"
There is a brief pillow fight between Seacrest and the girls before Gina takes the stage in her rock n' roll costume and tries to convince us that that's who she "really is." I'm not buying it. Her secret was that she has a lot of lucky charms that she carries around everywhere, though it probably should have been that she's a big giant fake Hot Topic enthusiast. She did a pretty good job with the song. As much shit as I want to give her for wearing a costume and pretending to be all wild n' crazy or whatever, hers was probably the most entertaining performance of the night. Which might just be because I can grasp angsty "rock" marketed towards teens, but I may never understand amelodic black woman music.
8. Melinda Dolittle - "I'm a Woman"
Melinda Dolittle is OCD. That's her secret. My secret is that I want to carry her around in my pocket because I love her so very very much. She's truly awesome. She managed to sing a song from a musical and not have them be all, "Nice lame-ass musical song, r. tard!" Truly, she is my starlight and moonbeams, and everything she touches turns to gold. Melinda Dolittle's tears cure cancer and get rid of wrinkles. If she ever has a child, it will be the second coming of Christ, and the entire world will perform Godspell until the Christ child and Melinda ascend straight to heaven on a throne made of subwoofers and adorable, floral-patterned dresses.
I just finished reading 50 Cent's memoir, From Pieces to Weight, which recounts his life as a crack dealer and upstart rapper. The ghostwriter makes a valiant effort to replicate 50's voice throughout, with passages such as Seeing my grandfather cry was like watching one of those horror movies where a statue or a painting comes to life. I was like, that's not supposed to happen sounding as if 50 himself were actually the person typing it. Other times, not so much. I have a really hard time believing that Fiddy wrote the following passages: Childhood on the mean streets of Queens wasn't like those perfect happy families you see on TV. Shit was arduous. 
I hated school. I realized early on the only math I needed was calculating how to cut my coke. (You use the quadratic formula.)
Mom was dead. Oy vey.
Life in the hood. If a drive-by doesn't kill you, the ennui will.
I used to roll my eyes when Grandaddy would recount his favorite sonnets from memory. Only now do I realize it's where I picked up the meter employed on my Ja Rule dis track "I Smell Pussy."
My school is currently experiencing some racial turmoil over a "South of the Border" theme party. Both Hispanic and non-Hispanic students alike organized a march to protest the offensive party and teachers have devoted class time to talking about the issue. But was it really that bad? I mean, come on, really? I contend that there could have been far more controversial parties that went on. Parties such as...
White Middle Class Party - I for one would have been very offended if someone threw a party in which the dress code was polos and jeans (or khaki shorts, depending on the weather) in order to mock my lifestyle. I would not have been able to bear the sight of people walking around in Le Tigres and Levis listening to the Dave Matthews Band thinking that is what all white kids do. Sometimes we wear Ralph Lauren polos with Abercrombie jeans and listen to O.A.R.
Vampire Dance Party - It is in such poor taste to mock the living dead by portraying them all as blood-sucking creatures of the night who engage in techno-fueled orgies. Many of them are respectable members of society who don't cavort about in black leather sucking blood from unsuspecting strangers. All it takes is a popular movie like Blade to make people think that all vampires are ruthless blood-suckers that can tolertate Stephen Dorff. Coinicidentally, there is one of these parties scheduled at my school for next week.
Nazi Party - Seriously guys, this just isn't cool. A lot of people died because of them. Like, seriously, a lot. Why would you even think that's the least bit funny? And where would you even find uniforms that resemble SS uniforms? Oh, you found a place? How much? That's pretty reasonable...well, how much is a keg of cheap German beer? Wow, that's not bad either. And that would give me an excuse to wear my black boots...OK, sure, sounds good guys. How about next Friday at my place? Shotgun Hitler!
I'm selling a microwave oven. If anyone's interested, send me a message. Here's a bunch of pics.
me
my brother
Do you think the writers for South Park believe in God?
I don't think I know them well enough to form an opinion about their religious views.
I think they might. They make fun of Christianity a lot less than they make fun of other stuff.
They make fun of hell all the time.
Yeah, but God would probably approve of that.
So you think they do?
Probably.
Does that make you respect them less?
Not really.
I know how much you hate God.
I don't hate God, I just don't think he's real. What I hate is church.
Ah. My mistake. So why do you care if they believe in God?
Well, I think they might have stumbled upon a really profound idea which could literally change the face of the electronic entertainment industry.
Which is...?
That the PSP was created by God.
Jesus. You know that episode came out like two years ago, right?
Yes. Shut up.
You also know they weren't being serious?
I realize that it's a comedy show, retard.
If I were you, I'm not sure I'd be slinging around accusations of questionable intelligence, Mr. I-think-God-make-a-video-game-system.
If I were you, I'd shut up and let me explain myself.
Then by all means, proceed.
Okay, so in South Park they implied that God created the PSP to find, like, the person best suited to act as a general in the war between good and evil.
I believe he was specifically looking for someone who could act as Keanu Reeves.
Whatever. So I don't agree that that was His motivation, but -
I thought you don't even believe that God exists.
Well, I don't. Also if you interrupt me again, I'm going to punch you.
If you punch me, I'm going to tell on you.
God. You are a moron.
Whatever, lady-hitter.
I'm going to leave, and you're never going ot hear about how God created the PSP and the subsequent argument that will change the gaming industry.
Wait, let me just set up my dictaphone here... Okay, regale me, Sport.
Seriously, I hate you.
Whatever.
Okay, so you know Plato?
Not personally.
You know how to not be a smartass?
...Yes.
I assume you've read about his world of Being and world of Becoming?
Naturally.
Okay, so Plato was obviously totally right.
Just because Plato lived way before us, doesn't mean he's infallible.
It pretty much does.
For the sake of argument, okay.
Okay, so everything exists in the world of Being, and then what we see, in the world of Becoming, is just a shadow of that, but we recognize it, because we all used to live in the world of being before we were born.
Really we lived in Mommy's tummy.
I'm really about to punch you, I am not kidding. Our consciousness was in the world of Being.
Then how come I saw Robocop before I was born? I saw it when I was in Mommy's tummy.
Robocop came out three years after you were born.
That makes it all the more amazing.
You probably watched it while you were both in the world of Being.
... Woah. Everything's falling into place.
So the world of Being explains where everything in the world of Becoming came from.
Right.
But where did the stuff in the world of Being come from?
Um... Plato's imagination?
I'm going to cut the brake lines in your car.
Joke's on you, sucka. We share that car.
Joke's on you, sucka. I'm suicidal.
Prove it.
... Let's assume that the world if Being is Heaven.
Okay.
And if that's the case, then everything in the world of Being was created by God.
So you do believe in Him!
No. Just listen. Plato says that everything is in the world of Being before we recognize it here.
Yes.
So everything that exists on Earth, from trees to cars to chlamydia, used to be in the world of Being, aka Heaven, and was therefore created by God.
Okay.
The PSP is on Earth.
Decidedly.
Therefore it was created by God.
Okay, but that's dumb. You're just saying that everything is created by God. It's a cop-out to try to make an episode of South Park seem realistic. You don't even believe in God!
But a lot of other people do. A lot of people who believe in God are also crazy, and want to impose stricter censors on video games.
Indeed they do.
But that's bullshit. It's an infringement on the freedom of speech, or assembly, or something.
Most likely NOT of assembly. Or, really, of speech.
Either way, if the PSP (and, by association, every video game) was created by the God they love so much, they would have to endorse it. If God wouldn't want them or their children to see something inappropriate, he wouldn't have created it in the world of Being.
That seems like a pretty stupid argument which might go over okay on the religious fanatics. The only things you're discounting are: every humanistic or scientific advancement since the Bible was written and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
What?
So when Socrates and Joan of Arc and Genghis Kahn and whoever come to the future, they don't recognize a bunch of shit. If all the stuff was really in the world of Being, wouldn't they have memories of it from their time before birth?
First of all, stuff has existed in the world of Being since the beginning of time. It still has to be discovered or invented by humans before it is recognized as existing on earth.
Whatever. This theory is stupid. You will never convince super-Christian, protective moms to allow their kids to play San Andreas. They just don't appreciate the art of weight lifting.
Whatever. I'm going to make a really violent video game and blame it on God and make a shitton of money, and I'm not going to share any of it with you.
That's retarded. Seriously. Who did you get your pot from this week? Because it's a lesser quality stash.
... I don't smoke.
Listen, you're my brother. Even if you're ugly and stupid, I still love you enough to mooch some of your pot. How old are you now?
My birthday was last week, you whore.
So, what? Like 15?
I'm 17.
Okay. Well listen. I'm going to go to the store and get some Swishers or some shit to use for a blunt, and then we're going to smoke all the shitty weed you have left so you stop having these stupid ideas and realize that just because something is realted to Plato, doesn't mean it's a valid argument. And then I'm going to give you the number of a reliable source.
Whatever.
We're also going to play a whole lot of Guitar Hero, and I'm going to beat all your high scores.
Haha. "High" scores.
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