CollegeHumor: User 405465's Articles

Eric Cooper Publicists Extraordinaire and Associates

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 05:16:13 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Cooper: I expect that the two of you know each other.

Hatsumi: Yes, we met at a conference a few months ago.

Beard: Was that in Denver?

Hatsumi: Yeah, we were both staying at the Sheraton, great hotel.

Beard: I must say that the complimentary breakfast was delightful.

Hatsumi: They really go out of their way.

Cooper: So, gentleman do you know why I've called you here together?

Beard: No.

Hatsumi: I mean we practically have nothing in common.

Cooper: See Hatsumi, that's where you're wrong, Ninjas and Pirates have a lot in common.

Beard: I don't see what you're getting at.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-09-11 05:16:13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Dude, last night was fucking crazy!

Fri, 04 May 2007 15:53:02 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dude, last night was fucking crazy!

Yeah, I remember dancing with some chick at Froggies, and then knocking over a traffic cone, but I think I blacked out after that.

You don't remember what happened after that?

No, I woke up on Rob's couch.

No recollection?

Oh shit, did I hook up with that fat chick?

Um.

Oh MY GOD, was she actually a dude?

No, Brian, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm going to just say it. Last night after the bars, you ran for president.

Huh? Of the school?

Of the United States.

WHOA. Did I win?

That's the bad news dude. You lost.

Well we have to contest the election, I just wasn't myself last night. Call my campaign manager and have them hold a press conference.

Dude, I am your campaign manager.

LOL.

[LATER THAT AFTERNOON]

My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that over the last few hours I have run for president on a platform that I was unaware of. Let me tell you about my politics. I stand firmly for universal healthcare, a woman's right to choose, and yes to an open bar at all political functions. Never again will you as an attendee have to pay for a gin and tonic, though tips would be great appreciated. Are there any questions?

Mr. Next President of the United States, you have a dick drawn on your forehead.

Thank you for your input. I'll bring that up with my council of advisors.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-04 15:53:02 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Alternative Reasons not to Laugh at Holocaust Jokes

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 11:46:53 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I'm really funny, and I'm also Jewish. Sometimes people want to test my threshold for humor, and ask me if I think Holocaust jokes are funny. I often respond by saying "no." Those people think the reason that I don't like their joke is because I'm offended, but really it's because those jokes aren't particularly clever. They're joke structures are on par with the knock-knock joke. I'm not laughing because I'm a humor elitist, but I can imagine a group of people who wouldn't laugh for a completely different reason...

[Cut To: A Clandestine Meeting.]

"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven."

Orville! Come over here.

What is it Grand Wizard?

You can't be making jokes like that.

Oh, really? Has the chapter gotten soft?� Has the Jewish Defense League been making threats? C'mon it's just a joke, we hate Jews, remember?

Yeah, but your joke presupposes the existence of the Holocaust.

Huh?

It reminds people that Jews were actually put into ovens. How can they be put into ovens, if it didn't happen?

Um, maybe it's a coincidence.

No! You can't tell jokes like that anymore at the Holocaust Deniers Association.

NEXT WEEK

"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas aren't responsible for all of the problems in the world."

Ha Ha Ha, he finally gets it!

[I like the image of a long-haired hillbilly with his palms up and shoulders shrugged giving an Alfred E. Neuman "What Me Worry?" smile.]

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-26 11:46:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Ups and Downs of Joining a Cult

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:52:53 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> No Venn Diagram Necessary

Free Robes versus Mind Control
Free Bumper Stickers versus a Systematic Program of Indoctrination
Free Pizza versus Salvation through Mass Suicide

Wait, what kind of Pizza?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-22 12:52:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How To Impress A Naive Academic

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 12:42:34 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> An Academic Thesis is always impressive, mostly because of it's title. You can impress naive grad students into thinking you are an intellectual just by explaining everything you're into, in a highly exalted way. I'm into Rap music, so I always tell unsuspecting doctoral candidates that I wrote my dissertation on "Third World Appropriations of Hip Hop Culture as a means for Social Revolution."

If your title is written to a suitable level of grandiloquence they won't ask further questions. I've written some essay titles based on topics you might be interested in. Feel free to use these while flirting with your TA.

If you are into Keg Stands...
�
Going Vertical: An Inquiry into how the Inverted Imbibing of Carbonated Alcoholic Beverages is Beneficial Towards the Participant's Composition

If you are into Pizza...

A Contemporary Manna:� The Food of Life

If you are into Date Rape...

Does No, Really Mean No?: Redefining Concepts of Consensus

If you are into Fart Jokes...

A Lethal Wind: An Exploration into the Jocularity of Flatuence

If you are into Chiefings/Shamings...

Epidermic Cartography: The Mapping of One's Evening as Described by the Markings on Their Skin.

Remember the three rules of an impressive essay title:� Long words, Long sentences, Disregard grammar advice from Word.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-07 12:42:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 25 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Joshua Heller's Spring Fashion Trends

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 15:14:55 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The way you should act in public.

Remember how that lurky guy in your dorm always used to stare at you from the hall for five minutes and then walk away abruptly? Creepy, right? Well not in 2007, lurkyness is your key to success this spring.

Practice your "lurk." You need to perfect standing around as though you have something to say, and then don't say anything at all. A good technique is having an imaginary conversation in your head with the person you are staring at.

"Hey Karen, how was your weekend?"
"Great, Jim, how about yours?"
"It was pretty fun, my buddy got a new boat, so we went down to the lake. "
"Wow that's awesome, I went to---"
"Oh, Karen, sorry, my phone is ringing, I'll be right back."

That is how it should appear in your head. But the person you are "lurking" should see it as:

"------"
(After thirty seconds you run away.)

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/8/collegehumor.3bb700fe616742b46dae22381d3e2a6f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-28 15:14:55 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:405465">Joshua Heller</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />