After a lot of serious thought and scenario consideration, I've decided that the following happened: About 2 years ago, the most powerful people at Pixar sat down at a secret conference table, naturally located 20 miles below the earth's surface, and said "Gentlemen, we've done some good work, but we need to make the end all be all cutest character in the history of animation." Wouldn't ya know it? They succeeded.

Pixar is a movie making juggernaut. Whatever visual MSG they've been putting in their films these past few years has paid off in ways that are probably surprising even to them. It's hard to think that the people responsible for such classics, including probably the greatest animated film of all time, Finding Nemo, can continue making great movies year after year without even breaking a sweat, but they do.

When I first saw the trailers for Wall-E, it looked so damned sugary and cute I thought I'd slip into a diabetic coma halfway through. The movie looked good, but I was nervous it would be too cute...Don't get me wrong, I like cuddling and all that cutesy crap just as much as the next guy, but I half expected to be eating fist-fulls of salt in the theater just to balance out the sweet overload. Thankfully that wasn't the case, and I can say without a doubt that this movie is just plain awesome.

Summer movie madness continues! In honor of 'The Rock' officially starting to refer to himself in movie credits as 'Dwayne Johnson', we're celebrating (and I use that term lightly) here, by reviewing the classic Mel Brooks TV series adaptation flick, Get Smart.

For those of you who don't know, Get Smart was a comedy TV series back in the '60s created by Buck Henry and comedy legend Mel Brooks, who could make you laugh yourself to death by brushing his teeth if he wanted to. The show satirized the secret agent genre, and focused on a lovable idiot, 'Agent 86' of CONTROL (a US spy agency) named Maxwell Smart, as he did battle with KAOS, the spy agency nemesis of CONTROL.

Usually, TV Show to movie adaptations suck something fierce *COUGH*Charlie'sAngels DukesofHazzard Bewitched*COUGH*, but I've got to admit, Get Smart surprised me.

First things first.

*Gaia enters the meeting room on Hope Island, several Planeteers are seated and looking confused*

Gaia: I was told there was "urgent news", what is plaguing our beautiful earth this time?

Wheeler: We all got notes saying that there was free cake in the meeting room

*Ma-Ti, the 5th Planeteer enters*

Ma-Ti: Hello everyone, I sent the notes, I wanted to speak to you all about something incredibly important

Kwame: What is wrong Ma-Ti? Is there an oil spill? Is someone dumping toxic waste?

Ma-Ti: No, actually, I wanted to talk about the power of the planeteer rings...

Linka: Have the Eco-villains used their corrupt planet rings to summon Captain Pollution?? We must act quic-

Ma-Ti: No! no no no, it's not that...look, remember last week when we were trying to stop Hoggish Greedly and his pollution cannon? Well I couldn't really do anything to help with my ring.  I just feel...like a 5th wheel, you know?

Gi: A 5th wheel?  But Ma-Ti, every member of the team is a special thread in the tapestry of-

Ma-Ti: Yeah yeah, don't gimme that "the-more-you-know" crap, Gi.  Look I'm tired of beating around the bush, why the hell am I the one who's stuck with the "heart" ring?

*long silence*

Gaia: Stuck? Ma-Ti, you are a valued member of the planeteers, and everyone's ring of power is unique, yet equal in its ability.

Ma-Ti: Cork it, Gaia, you're not even human, you wouldn't understand.

Wheeler: What's to understand?

Ma-Ti: What are you, serious? YOUR ring can control and shoot fire! Gi can control water, Kwame can make earthquakes, Linka can throw hurricane winds, and all I get is the ability to talk to my pet monkey?  Yeah that's really helpful in the chaotic BS scenarios that we get into all the time.  Oh yeah, and that monkey doesn't defecate in my bed every night or anything.

Kwame: But you are the soul of the team! without you, we couldn't be able to summon captain planet!

Ma-Ti: *mocks voice*butwewouldnbeabletasummoncaptainplanetttt.  Look, it's a RING.  You can leave it on your pinky finger and get the summoning job done.

Linka: You need to calm down.

Ma-Ti: That's really easy for you to say!  When you used your ring to blow all Greedly's pollution out of the air I got slammed in the head by a pipe in the storm debris.

Wheeler: We didn't notice that?

Ma-Ti: I was unconscious for 6 hours!! Why can't I just have a ring with a power that doesn't suck, there are other elements, right?  What about lightning?  I'm pretty sure that would take care of any problem we'd have to face in like 3 minutes...or ice! I'd even take ice over this!

Gi: But Ma-Ti, Ice is just frozen water, and I already-

Ma-Ti: Oh forget it! None of you understand...I just don't want to be the loser stuck with a loser ring. *starts crying*

Wheeler: Listen Ti-bone...I know how you're feeling...but you shouldn't feel weak, because you're not.  We're a team, and no matter how you look at it, you've helped save our butts on tons of occasions.  No one person is better than any other, even if it doesn't seem like it.  Even the strongest body can't survive without a heart, and in my opinion, that's why the heart ring is the most important of all.

Ma-Ti: *sniffs* Really? I mean..would you wanna switch rings with me for a little bit if that's how you feel?

Wheeler: Hell no, I'm not a pussy.

There's a special kind of movie experience that every now and then, we all get a craving for. I have officially dubbed this genre, the "$10 whore" movie. Let me explain. Like so many other things in life, going to the movies can be compared to sex. Sometimes, you want it to be a mesmerizing, wonderful experience that you'll cherish and love forever (The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, The Godfather, Star Wars). Other times, you're really just not in the mood to go through all the effort to find that special someone. You'd rather just spend a few bucks, sit back, get pleasured for 2 hours in a dark room and know with a smile on your face that it really doesn't mean anything in the long run. It's not love making, but you're OK with that - You're just in the mood to fulfill your basic needs, and there's nothin' wrong with that. My good friends, The Incredible Hulk is just begging to be your whore.

The Incredible Hulk is Marvel's latest "Uhhh the first one was just a practice, you guys, seriously" film. For more on that subject, see: The Punisher. In 2003 Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Brokeback Mountain) directed Hulk, which was about as entertaining as having a pointy stick get crammed into your eye. Ang's Hulk was the first movie ever to drop 70% in theaters on week 2, after opening above $20 million in week 1. So how do you recover from such a bad rep? Take out the 'deep poetry' and put in tons of intense action scenes, CGI brawling and Edward Norton. That sounds about right.

Insanely Hairy Guy - There's at least a few at every beach. You can usually spot them pretty easy from afar, he'll be the guy you think is being eaten alive by ants until you start to get closer. It's bad enough it's 90 degrees out but this man's practically got on an entire sweater. Watching this guy try to put on suntan lotion is like watching someone try and shampoo a hallway carpet, so stay away if you can.


Ridiculously Jacked Black Guy - No matter where you are, there's always at least one. This is the kind of guy that if he wanted to, could probably squeeze you, or compress if you will, into a very small cube, but only if you went out of your way to anger him. Fun game: chug a beer with your friends. Whoever finishes last has to try and bury RJBG in the sand while he's taking a nap. Watch hilarity ensue!

Creepy Ice Cream Guy - Not the guy who works for the official snack stand, the guy who literally walks up and down the beach dragging his K-Mart mini cooler on wheels asking if people want to buy "cheap klondike bar". Avoid eye contact at all costs...that is unless you're really, REALLY hungry, of course.

Underdressed Old Person - Wrong in every possible way that something can be wrong. The last thing you need is to head out for some sun and relaxation just to find some bony, leathery senior flaunting his silver cotton candy out the sides of his neon yellow banana hammock. The best way to avoid seeing this guy is to arrive a little later in the afternoon, he'll be on his way to the nearest early senior dinner special by then.

Very Obese Woman - Not 'slightly pudgy' or 'could stand to lose a little', this woman is so large she gives FUPA a whole new meaning altogether. Due to excessive heat at the beach however, you usually won't encounter this group all too often.


Fully Clothed People - This one is an extremely rare sighting. When you do see one however, you'll always feel the exact same feeling of complete and utter confusion. 97 degrees, intense humidity, and along comes this guy wearing every shred of clothing he could possibly drape over his body. Either they're completely insane, have a rare skin condition, or have bigger balls than anyone else on the planet (and are insane).

Hot Girl - If they didn't go to the beach, then we wouldn't either...after all, you can always just enjoy the sun in your backyard or on the roof,right? Depending on where you are in the country, there will be at least a handful to a lot of Hot Girls showing off their stuff and getting a tan. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Just remember, tucking under the waistband doesn't work nearly as well in a bathing suit. You know, just FYI.


Beach Bro - They'll talk all yearlong about how soccer isn't a sport and totally for fags, but if there's a ball at the beach you can bet your ass they'll kick it around all damn day! Beach Bro's usually congregate and act tough around the 'Hot Girl' group but will always steer clear of RJBG. They may also be seen taking pictures with 'Underdressed Old Person'

Slow-Motion Lifeguards - If you manage to catch a glimpse of this rare spectacle, you best have a camera ready because you're in for a treat. You won't see them nowadays as much as you used to, but there's a chance that if you swim way too far out and start splashing wildly, one might show up.
(note: Attempt to summon one through previously mentioned method at your own risk...if it pays off though, totally worth it)

 

Gather 'round boys and girls! It's time for the Adam Sandler comedy tier list.

Top Tier:
Happy Gilmore
Billy Madison

High Tier:
The Wedding Singer
The Longest Yard

Low Tier:
Big Daddy
Little Nicky
Anger Management
Click
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry

The Waterboy

I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About-It Tier:
Mr. Deeds

NOTE: As I said, those mentioned are just the 'comedy tier list'. There's no need to list the others here; we all know Sandler's recent obsession with staring in serious dramas and romances, including his next piece - a Walt Disney film about a man whose bedtime stories that he reads to his niece and nephew start to magically come true. Even if I had slammed my head into the keyboard just now, I could not have come up with a more random collection of words.

Note: Don't be fooled by the title, this is not, I repeat NOT a porno. On a side note, my apologies to everyone in the theater)

If there's one thing I've known since childhood, especially during my extreme Ninja Turtles phase, it's that physical humor is almost always funny (unless your little brother tells on you of course. Wuss). So a movie about a full-of-himself Tae Kwon Do instructor who has his own dojo at the local mall? Sure, sign me up.

Remember that video that came out a while back with a drunken Will Ferrell arguing with his 2 year old Landlord? That was the first video made by Adam McKay (the guy who wrote Anchorman) and Will Ferrell's production company, 'Gary Sanchez Productions'. The Foot Fist Way came on the scene at the LA film festival where Will Ferrell saw it, decided he liked it, and did what any normal person would do: throw down tons of his own money to get distribution rights to the whole thing under his new production company. LA seems fun.

Anyway, since this is a small time movie going big, its kind of an acquired taste - it's a little like Napoleon Dynamite, except with scenes that are actually funny.

Hey, is The Dark Knight out yet? No? Bah. Anyway, out this weekend in theaters everywhere is Sex and the City, the big screen continuation of the award winning HBO series. The show is one of those things that no one is on the fence about; either you're a faithful fan or you really just couldn't care less about any of it. Regardless of whether you love it or you hate it, it's hard to not notice the impact it's made on society (especially when you read stories like this! Yay immitation!)

[Note: if you do not care about the plot of the movie, skip this paragraph].
Let's be clear for a minute - I have literally never seen one minute of the show. Despite this fact, the plot of the movie was incredibly, incredibly easy to predict. The film stars Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte York (Kristin Davis), Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon), and Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) as 4 fashion loving women carrying on their lives from where the show apparently left off. While they're all dealing with the big changes in their lives, Carrie, the narrator, and her guyfriend 'Mr. Big' have made plans to tie the knot. Of course, things go horribly wrong: the wedding doesn't go down, and each girl has to deal with a large personal problem of their own.