CollegeHumor: Comments by Eli Swanson

The Stupid Question Hall Of Fame

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 10:47:28 -0400

The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is back again, ready to embarrass the kids who cheapen your degree. Remember the rules - If you send in the absolute stupidest, you get a free Big Shocker. Read all five and cast your vote. And, if you heard something stupid in class this week, send it to me at CHStupidQuestions @ Gmail.com. INCLUDE YOUR SCHOOL!

The Nominees

A) Lynchburg College, Lynchburg, VA
Submitted by Michelle

My history�professor was talking about teaching in Africa for two years.

The Brain: So, are there any schools in Africa?

B) Texas A&M, College Station, TX
Submitted by Jordy

In Anthropology, Peoples and Cultures of the World, we were talking about
early and current foraging cultures:

Professor: Studies have shown, contrary to popular belief, a typical hunter-gatherer would only work 42 hours.
The Brilliance: �Is that per day?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-09 10:47:28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 25 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Stupid Question Hall Of Fame

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 10:47:28 -0400

The Nominees

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Tour Groups

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 11:13:11 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The jingle of keys in fanny-packs, the smell of old people, and your College’s corporate logo – er, “emblem” – plastered on the front of plastic tote-bags.� Must be time for campus tours again!� I don’t mind the crowds of gawking parents and bored high-schoolers, until I get stuck behind one as they’re walking past [some building] and the leader pauses and spouts [some fact] on [something that nobody cares about].� Who would have guessed that Johnson Hall was named after some guy named Johnson?� Now I’m late for class: damn you, tour group!

A small list of things I’d like to do around tour groups but never had the guts (or number of people necessary) to pull off.� If you’ve ever been caught behind one, you know what I mean.

“Some portions toll”.� Sorry folks, our pathway reconstruction committee has established a toll of $0.59 for this portion of sidewalk.� Exact change only.
Lynch Mob.� Takes about 10-15 accomplices, a length of rope, and some running shoes; use some discretion when picking your runner.
Homeless Crazy Person.� Works best on campuses where you wouldn’t normally find crazy homeless people (sorry, Blue).� Beg for money, food, “some credits”, or proof of the existence of God.
Blind leading the blind.� Wrangle yourself a tour group and see how far you can lead them away from campus before they catch on.� Current world record is 1.17 miles.
Picket line.� Nobody crosses a picket line unless they’re a dirty, good-for-nothing scab.� You’re not a scab, right grandma?

Comment your own suggestions.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:61290"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.ffa749f889028c7ed49f11798762d3e3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-02 11:13:11 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:61290">Mike Milo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 34 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I Have Some Questions For President Bush

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 16:29:25 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I am concerned that you have not been as open with the American people as your position requires.� It frightens me when I think about how little I know about you and your policies.� It's time you started answering some questions, sir, and I will not rest until my thirst, the American publics thirst, has been quenched.�

Do you drive?� Like, do you ever go "I think I'll go for a drive today" and take a car out for a spin around D.C.?� If not, how long has it been since you've driven a car?

What is your policy on eating food that has fallen on the ground?� Do you abide by the 5-Second rule or do you just say "f*ck it, I'll eat something else"?�

Do your feelings ever get hurt?�

If one of your daughters brought home a black guy and was like "Dad, this is my boyfriend," would you be mad?� Or would you, like, say you didn't mind but actually be mad on the inside?� What if it were a Mexican guy?

Are you mad you didn't have any sons?

Best pizza: Where and why?

What if when you die and go to heaven you get there and Saddam is sitting next to God and you're like "Oh sh*t"?�� What about that?�� What would you do?� That would suck for you.

Finally, do you have a cell phone?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-30 16:29:25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 28 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

"My hamster even knows which beer is better."

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 00:00:00 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:57725"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/f/collegehumor.bd6083b76c831b17beaa876fc37527d8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1346725">Rachel</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:273"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

"My hamster even knows which beer is better."

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 00:00:00 -0400

"Looks like quite an ass... until you realize something else... gross"

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 00:00:00 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:57806"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.d47ea5e848b0e865eb2a166f652841c6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Alright, let's line up. Thongs, you take top row.

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 16:00:00 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1742549"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.ac7fa6c68a907962fe831daf8b7e1916.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:69189">The</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:407"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 567 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How To Tell Your Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 13:48:20 -0500

You love your girlfriend. She's smart, she's pretty and best of all, she's all yours...or is she? Tragically, your girlfriend may not realize that you are all that is man and may seek sexual gratification elsewhere without your knowledge. But how will you know if your girlfriend is, in fact, a cheater? Simple: Look for the following 5 signs.

1. Avoids Eye Contact When Asked What She Did Last Night

Avoiding eye contact is a classic sign of guilt. "Oh, I was at the library," she'll say while glancing at the ground. "I just stayed in," she'll mumble as she she gazes at her shoe. Maybe she's ashamed because she stayed in last night like a loser instead of slamming back brews with you and your boys, but more likely she was the one getting slammed by a boy. That's what happened, isn't it, Taralyn?!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/a/collegehumor.7d8b975affed1e53fc3e6afa6f0a2364.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-02 13:48:20 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239">Streeter Seidell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:271"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 61 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I hope you know what you're doing and didn't accidentally write them a two million dollar check.

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 13:01:00 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1737637"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/f/collegehumor.6a72bf9a1a9f03070f5fdb3fe90ce64c.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1086">John</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1123"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 720 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Weapon of Choice

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 15:56:04 -0500

Although the pesky feeling of being engulfed in flames can be mildly unpleasant, the other proposed weapons (deemed unconscionable by military scientists) are being called "potentially more harmful."

Other weapon ideas:

The Tickle-Assassinator:
The Tickle Assassinator strikes the target with pulsing beam just strong enough to make the target laugh uncontrollably but cause immense pain. When the TA operator thinks the target is actually enjoying the punishment, he becomes infuriated and continues.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:321"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/9/collegehumor.c2b288561c43d4491c3cf87901378494.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-29 15:56:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:321">Lilly Walleck</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:255"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Adventures Of... Extremely Jealous Boyfriend!

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 12:11:15 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Two Girls Sit Late At Night In Their Dorm Rooms

Girl 1: How are things with David?

Girl 2: They’re good. It’s hard being in a long distance relationship. Especially with a boyfriend who’s so... possessive.

Girl 1: Possessive how?

Girl 2: He just gets a little jealous is all. And it's tough because he lives across the country. He sent me four texts yesterday while I was at cla--

Extremely Jealous Boyfriend Kicks Open Door

Extremely Jealous Boyfriend: Where the f*ck have you been?

Girl 2: Oh my god. David! (Going to hug him)

EJB: Don’t f*cking touch me. Don’t even talk to me.

Girl 2: I’m sorry.

EJB: You really are. (Pointing to Girl 1) What? Is this your boyfriend? Is this a boy or something?

Girl 1: I should go.

EJB: Stop avoiding the question.

Girl 2: David.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.7cc2e0696d5c5ce7891a75df31a50bd8.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-01 12:11:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:229">Amir Blumenfeld</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:217"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Murder of Batemonian proportions stumps journalists

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 12:28:04 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Maybe it's because I watch a little too many Law and Order: SVU marathons. Maybe I've been jaded by the 64,000 college-kids-get-brutally-murdered-in-alien-slug-infested-hostels-run-by-cancer-patients movies that have come out in the past six years. Whatever the case, the story of this murder failed to baffle me the way it apparently did journalists across our great nation.

According to sources such as ABC.com and the New Orleans Times-Picayune, French Quarter residents were "shocked" (and, I assume, "awed") by the details of the murder, first announced last Thursday. For those of you too lazy to read the article (I know, it's long, but it talks about sex! ... with a dead person...!), the basic facts are that Zack Bowen, 28, originially from California, committed suicide on Thursday night by jumping off the roof of the Omni Hotel. He was discovered on the roof of the parking garage by a hotel guest and police found a suicide note in his pocket which directed them to go to his apartment, where they would find the aftermath of a "murder most foul" (quote from Shakespeare, not suicide note). Upon arriving at the address indicated in the note, police found not only another, 8-page note detailing the murder and Bowen's subsequent actions, but a feast awating them in the kitchen! Maybe my mom could take some hints from this guy next time I come home from school.

In the notes, Bowen confessed to strangling his girlfriend of one year, Addie Hall, after a dispute on Oct. 5. He then proceeded to "sexually violate" (read: totally bone) her body several times before getting piss drunk and passing out on the floor. The next morning he woke up and went to work. Over the next two weeks, he kept her body in the bathtub and otherwise went about his daily life. He worked on chopping up her body, but apparently eventually decided that the best way to dispose of it would be to cook and eat it. When police got to the apartment, they found two pots on the stove, one containing Hall's head (apparently charred enough that police reporters were initially hesitant to commit to saying it was Hall, but if it wasn't, then I think we have a much bigger problem. Namely, that Bowen has no fucking clue who he murdered) and another containing her hands and feet. In the stove were her arms and legs in turkey basting pans. Some reports claim that all of the limbs were seasoned, others say only one leg. In the refrigerator was a garbage bag containing her torso. All of this seemed to shock police less than the fact that Bowen had cleaned the bathroom, which was "spotless" despite the fact that he had dismembered a corpse in there. No shit, guys. He still needed someplace clean to brush his teeth.

Journalists would lead readers to believe that the read tragedy of this story is that Bowen and Hall's love was ignited during Hurricane Katrina, and that they were among the few scores of people who refused to leave the Quarter in the weeks after the storm. Apparently the couple hung around their flat, committing such noble, endearing deeds as "petting stray cats," "sharing cigarettes," and "flashing breasts at patrolling police officers." Journalists seem to suggest that if the pair could make it through several weeks without electricity or showers, it is a shame to see the relationship end over something so trifling as an argument over an apartment lease (which, according to their landlord, seems to be the last disagreement they had before Bowen decided to do her in... and then do her some more.)

Over the weekend other details have emerged which, according to news sources that love America, make the story all the more heart-wrenching: Bowen was a veteran of the armed forces, allegedly having served in Iraq. I believe the actual phrase preferred was "hero of the Iraq war," which obviously just means that he had already committed several dozen uninstigated murders and probably "sexually violated" hundreds of other bodies. I shouldn't say that, it's just speculative. But seriously.

Other details, important to the human interest orientation of most reports, include Bowen's rugged good looks, his penchant for Jameson Irish whiskey and Miller High Life, and the couple's place of residence as a flat over a voodoo shop. The British source I've linked to referrs to the store as the "shop of a voodoo priestess," but I think that's a pretty liberal term for "store that sells incense and 'I Got Fucked on Bourbon Street' t-shirts."

Now I know you're asking, "What relevance does this story have for me? I've only been to New Orleans like one time on spring break and I never read newspapers." For the 0.07% of you who either live in New Orleans (enjoying the rain much?) or pay attention to national news, I'm sure you have already figured out that this is the most important murder story of the century. (I'm not speaking in hyperbole when I say that. I think it's extremely viable, considering not much other necrophlila has been publicized these past six years.) Bowen, in the spirit of a true, patriot, has done the nation a great favor by choosing to commit a quick and painless murder and then play around with the body for weeks afterwards. The country has not seen a story this grisly in some 50 years. I mean real stories, guys. Like with actual people. I know this shit happens all the time on TV. Apartment full of body parts, and right before Halloween! Bowen is too thoughtful.

Journalists focus, with feigned (or maybe real, I don't know how stupid they are) astonishment, on the "mystery" of Bowen's descent from a normal member of society to the committer of a heinous crime. Much to my dismay, several of them speculate that the cause may be (drumroll)... lingering distress from Hurricane Katrina. The problem with this hypothesis is their blatant disregard for two important facts:
1) Not everything that happens in New Orleans is a direct or indirect result of the hurricane, you asstards. Granted, some things are. The fact that the Saints and the Green Wave, football teams with notoriously poor records, are not completely sucking dick this season is probably a direct result of the Superdome being haunted. Some dude murdering his girlfriend 14 months later is not.
2) Journalists somehow fail to see the obvious similarities between this crime and Brett Easton Ellis's masterpiece American Psycho. If they would take a moment (or about 20 hours) and read this novel, the would doubtless find the correlation that I have found, leading me to the main purpose (3000 words later) of this update, which is that:

Zack Bowen was emulating the shit out of Patrick Bateman. Imagine, if you will, this scenario:
Your long-time girlfriend thinks you've been cheating on her. Why? Because you have been. You've just decided to move in together in a new apartment, and before the lease is signed, she accuses you of unfaithfulness and threatens to kick you out. You have no other place to live, and in the heat of a passionate verbal battle, you strangle her to death. Crime's already committed. Shit, you think. I just murdered someone. I'm going to go to jail and get assfucked for the rest of my life. Your future isn't looking so bright. You're thinking that maybe just looking for another apartment wasn't such a bad idea. Oh well, let's see the bitch try to kick you out now. You'll have to get rid of the body somehow, but first... you decide to fuck her a few times. Just to show her who's boss, and also because you've been fighting for like three days and it's high time for some make-up sex. Then you realize that you just had sex with a dead person, and that last time she was even starting to stiffen up a little (not much different from every other night, am I right? Eh?) so you drink until you pass out on the floor. The next day you wake up next to a corpse (and with a pounding headache. Thanks a lot, Evan Williams! Maybe next time spend more than $4 on a handle.) and while you're at work, think of ways to get rid of it. Don't want to leave a trail? Can't stand the thought of incarceration? Eat her. I know you never did it while you guys were together, not matter how many times and asked or how many blowjobs she gave you, but it doesn't seem like such a bad idea now. Especially with some Creole seasoning. I mean, she didn't work out much. Her thights are probably marbled like Kobe beef. So you chop her up, but her on the stove, baste her arms and legs and stick them in the oven, save the torso for later (good call saving the boobies and twat in case you get lonely again), and then, just when the apartment is starting to fill with the fragrant aroma of roasting human flesh, you realize that you're contemplating EATING A FUCKING PERSON, Dr. Lector, and that's just crazy. So you take all the cash you can wheedle out of your bank account ($1500. Isn't that pathetic?) and spend it, by your admission, on "good drinks, good food, good whores" and then jump off the roof of the Omni.
It doesn't sound that insane to me. I mean, it's crazy. I'm not saying I could do it. I'm just saying, I can see how he'd get to that point. God know Pat Bateman did the exact same thing, and he was just doing it "to be different."

Patrick Bateman
spends his days working and his nights having sex with chicks, then murdering them, then having sex with them some more, then drinking some whiskey, then, weeks later, trying to cook them. indeterminate amount of time later, calls lawyer and confesses everything in detail.

Zack Bowen
spends his days working and his nights having sex with his girlfriend, then murdering her, then having sex with her some more, then drinking some whiskey, then, weeks later, trying to cook her. a couple days later, writes 13 pages of suicide notes confessing everything in detail.

Wow... that's weird. exactly the same. Interesting. I've gotta say, if you want to murder just one person during your lifetime, for whatever reason, it's probably a pretty sweet idea to style your crime after Pat Bateman. Good call, zack bowen. I hope you're in heaven right now having drinks and mud soup with Paul Allen, and I hope he's saying "Why didn't we go to Dorsia? I could have gotten us a table."
...I guess maybe you're not in heaven. Then again, I guess Paul Allen probably isn't either. On account of him being a fictional character and all.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-10-23 12:28:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

"White Houses" is the Greatest Song Ever Written: An Extremely Serious and Thoroughly-Researched Analysis of Popular Music in the New Millennium

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 02:11:35 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Stand By Me. The lyrics alone demonstrate the song's integrity as a coming-of-age story, but I will strive to illustrate that it is their collaboration with the accompaniment and the youthful quality of Ms. Carlton's voice that truly elevates this work into the realm of the sublime. As anyone who has heard the song more than once can probably affirm, the lyrics of "White Houses" tell the tale of a young woman (who may or may not represent Ms. Carlton herself) who spends the summer in a "little bunk alone with some strange new friends." She and her new companions forge a close relationship through such activities as spin-the-bottle, drinking beer, and dancing. They are apparenty free from the oppressive authority of parents or guiardians, ostensibly for the first time. The first period of liberation, especially through physical distancing from one's parents, is an important and formative era in the life of any young person. The song's narrator at first seems slightly uncomfortable as she ventures into this social frontier, thrust into a situation in which she must not only form new relationships with her peers, but must also discover things about herself. She is forced to develop an individual strength, separate from the crutch of her family and childhood friends, and she accomplishes this by shedding an identifying feature of her former self: her virginity. The symbol of "white houses," through its repetition and use as the title, stresses the importance of the loss of virginity as a formative act in the transition to adulthood. While the whiteness of the houses obvious symbolizes purity and virginity, as well as childlike naivete, combined with "houses," the phrase comes to represent multiple things for the narrator: the childhood familiarity and safety of home ("home," for all intents and purposes, referring to her family, friends of her youth, etc); the hope and trust lodged in her spirit, untarnished by contact with the reality of the adult world; and, most significantly, the literal physical purity of her body and emotional purity of her heart. The various meanings of the phrase "white houses" are applied in different instances of its use in the song. In the first refrain, when the narrator says, "it's alright and it's nice not to feel so alone / but I hold onto your secrets in white houses," Ms. Carlton is employing the idea of the narrator's pure heart; in the next verse, in which the phrase in preceded by the line "but I put myself in his hands," "white houses" indicates her untouched body; immediately afterwards, with: "love, or something ignites in my veins / And I pray it never fades in white houses," she is speaking again about her heart, supplemented this time with ideas of naivete and the hope and trust inherent in her childlike spirit. By the end of the song - after the narrator has discovered that, although she has severed ties with her childhood and her home by losing her virginity, she has discovered a new part of herself and is fundamentally the same person - the white houses again come to represent hope, suggesting not only that the adult world does not have to be considered a dark and frightening place, but that one does not have to lose all ties with the past in order to progress in life. Beyond the symbolism of the poetry (the "red shirt" of her lover, obviously representing passion; and the "black leather seats" of his car, uncertainty, fear, abandonment, and evil), its sentiments - those of enduring, though quickly-formed friendships, heartbreak, uncertainty of the future, the emotional loss suffered as one realizes one is breaking ties with the past - are common to young people, especially girls, of every walk of life. The fact that the narrator is able to leave this experience (which she entered into feeling unsure of herself) a stronger, more defined person, provides a wonderful moral for young women. It allows them to understand that they are not alone in their transition from childhood to adulthood: although it is important for them to form a sense of self and follow their own intuitions, and although they will invariably get hurt along the way, they share the experience with virtually every other girl on the planet. Additionally, the poem suggests to girls that losing one's virginity will most likely be unpleasant, but that if they learn enough about themselves from the experience, they can emerge as stronger individuals. Interestingly, though it is important for the narrator to leave her new friends (and lover) at the end of the summer in order to continue with the rest of her life (the summer, obviously, symbolising a stage of lust, love, and self-discovery), taken more literally, this act implies that one will - and perhaps should - have multiple sexual partners, as if to imply that with each partner (who will hopefully become so through an emotional attachment, preferably as deep as love) one discovers even more about oneself. Significantly, this sentiment works to dispel the double-standard so often held, that men were free to philander, but that women must devote themselves to one man. (For the purposes of this argument, it is important that it is the narrator who leaves her lover and not the other way around.) The composition of the instrumental components of this song are also suggestive of youth, and serve as supplemental symbolism to the lyrics. Particularily the drum beat, which is quick-paced and ceaseless (except for one part, which I will discuss shortly), seems to symbolize both time - which is thrusting the narrator into new situations and stages of life, potentially without her consent and before she is fully prepared - and the enduring hope in the narrator's spirit. The only place it stops - where all accompaniment stops - is under the lyrics: Maybe you were all faster than me We gave each other up so easily These silly little wounds will never mend I feel so far from where I've been The cessation of the drum denotes both a pause in time for reflection and also a pause - again for reflection - in the narrator's formation of her individuality. Under the next lyric, "So I go, and I will not be back here again," the beat resumes, illustrating the narrator's renewed sense of strength and hope. In addition to the instrumentals (which I have not discussed at the length I originally intended because I am lazy), the quality of Ms.Carlton's voice is strikingly appropriate for a coming-of-age ballad. Her voice is high and light, with a childish lack of vibrato and color. While the audience knows that she is an adult, the voice could just as easily be that of a girl ten years her junior. This ambiguity of maturity, though probably completely unintentional, fits well with the idea of the song, and is arguably the characteristic that lends a sense of completeness to the composition. There you have it. I think I have indisputably illustrated the numerous reasons that "White Houses" is the best song of all time. Perhaps now my roommate (and everyone else) will think twice before telling me to "stop listening to it all the fucking time."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/6/collegehumor.1a4c653896f8eb8b25e3ffa6b5663735.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-30 02:11:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:58710">Katie Marino</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />