CollegeHumor: User 414253's Articles

Phone Calls with Your Family

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 15:16:42 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> (You pick up the phone on a Saturday morning)

Mom says: You sound tired, honey.

Mom means: How much did you drink last night?

You say: Yeah, I'm not too bad.

You mean: What I drank last night would have killed dad.

Mom says: Well did you guys go out alone?

Mom means: You didn't meet up with that slut last night to have sex, did you?

You say: Yeah, it was pretty much a boys night out.

You mean: Yes and it was filthy.

X X X
(Your Dad calls you after class)

Dad says: So how was your week?

Dad means: Did you get a Goddamn job yet?

You say: Oh it was pretty good.

You mean: No and I'm out of money so you better send more before I break your hip and put you in a retirement home, old man.

X X X

(You call your Grandma on a Sunday afternoon)

You say: Hey grandma, how have you been?

You mean: Mom, didn't tell you about the filthy sex I had?

Grandma says: Oh honey it's just so good to hear your voice

Grandma means: I hope you wrapped it up...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:414253"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/7/collegehumor.86256646ae83ac586435be57d355bc1b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:414253">Rusty Shacklefurt</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740295">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Summer Pickup Lines

Fri, 11 May 2007 20:31:29 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Well summer is upon us once again and for those of us lucky enough not to graduate and have to work a real job or go home and face psycho highschool exes, we must rebuild college society.� This translate into finding girls and relentlessly trying to have sex with them (Ha ha...300 feet restraining order).� For those of you on the hunt and brave enought to use them, here's a short list of some�pick up lines�that I've been tossing around...(NB: no. 4 relies on�a confident delivery)

1)� "My penis, your vagina, now."

*2)� "I don't have anything a little penicillin can't clear up."

3)� "I don't even cry after sex anymore."

4)� (put two fingers up to the girl's face)� "Make these smell like vagina."

5)� "If you come back with me tonight, I'll cook you breakfast in bed in the morning, then we can walk to the clinic to get tested for lunch."

6)��"I�paid your friend to tell me�who you are and I literally have a condom with your name on it in my pocket."

7)� "I play on the�top hockey team at�the university.� No, there's no�Division�I hockey�team at our college.� Wait, wait�it's still�Division I club hock..."

*If this is a lie, simply cross your fingers behind your back.

**Under no circumstances use any of these pickup lines, unless you're really, really�drunk.

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The Summer Internship Interview

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 15:17:56 -0400

Did I have any trouble getting here?��Why no, none at all.� I just had to sell three weeks worth of my meal plan to get the money for�the�forty-three dollar�cab ride down here.� No that's not ketchup on my suit, that's actually�homeless person blood.� See the cab wouldn't drop me off in front of your building so I had to walk through eight�blocks of the finest�urban development the city has to offer.� No, I didn't harm the homeless man, I assure you he was already bleeding from the ears�when he started to hump my leg and demand nickels.� I agree, panhandlers these days are really dedicated to their craft.

What do I think of the interview process so far?� Well I didn't quite understand why you locked me in a room for four hours and made me do a Give Yourself Goosebumps book.� Thank you, I had no idea that I tied a record when I made it all the way through Werewolf Woods in three attempts.� Yeah, I suppose R.L. Stine would be proud.� Well, with a week before finals what better way could I be spending my time.� I'd probably just be masturbating�in my room right now.

Do I like the office atmosphere here?� Well when I walked in and the secretary called me a 'little faggot,' I really felt like I belonged here.�I guess having to dodge the fecal matter being tossed around the cubicles�really keeps you on your feet at all times, too.�

What?� You're offering me the position.� Well, that's terrific.� Wait a second, what kind of intership did you say this�is? Marketing?� Oh shit.� Yeeeeeah.� Um...hah...how do you leave this room?� There's no door.� How the fuck did I get in here?� No, no, don't touch me!� Just let me get the fuck out of here!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:414253"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/7/collegehumor.86256646ae83ac586435be57d355bc1b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:414253">Rusty Shacklefurt</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:92"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727161">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Great Text

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 12:04:06 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Sirs (Madams leave the room and�bake something�or watch Grey’s Anatomy)

�

We have entered the future, a future where it is no longer possible to pull ass without the use of text messaging.�Bite your tongue you say.
�Alright, but you know even as you are reading this, you’re sending one to that cute girl you met in class�about how you're reading�some asshole's article�on Collegehumor.

�

You might say nay, sir.�I could pull ass without it.�After all,�texting wasn’t always around.�True, but things have changed and now girls suck more of their livelihood out of texting than a�heroin addict does out of a morphine drip.�I should know because I have had my texting taken away and I have had to have an uncomfortable conversation with my dad to get it back (“Dad, you’re kinda cockblocking me.”).

�

Am I saying that texting is wrong, that as men we should wean girls off of it?�Horseshit.�We need it as much as they do.�Sure I could walk one room over to see if a girl’s in it, but I’d much rather just text her and find out that way (I blame my laziness on the fact that I'm 10% French).�So in conclusion, don’t hate text messaging, cherish it and hope it doesn’t get taken away because let me reiterate, trying to explain to�your dad�how he’s cockblocking you is just as awkward as it sounds.

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Conversation With A Broke Roommate

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 06:19:53 -0400

Oh hey, how you doing, bud?� Ah, tight on money again. It’s really crazy how you have five grand from the summer, you're doing work-study, and you're still broke. Really says something about our economy. Honestly, I'm shocked that that kind of money wouldn't support an $800-a-week spending habit.

You're out of meal blocks by Wednesday, too?� One thing’s for sure – the fact that you have nine grilled chicken sandwiches on Mondays has nothing to do with it.� Who could blame you – they have a wicked amount of protein. Which reminds me – about that hundred bucks for your NITRO-TECH protein… I was thinking that perhaps you could buy the $40 generic protein. Well, I guess you’re right – your brand probably is 27 times more powerful than that generic slop -- I mean, look at the guy on the label. He's so buff! You certainly have a point when you say that you are saving $1,040 every time you buy it, and I can't argue that the “bitches go wild for it.” It's scientifically proven.

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The Penis Game

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 19:26:05 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> After Superbowl weekend, here is a new game for the masses to play under the illumination of burning Rex Grossman effigies. It's a game that begins and never really ends, very similar to the burning sensation my roommate gets when he pisses (the thing that kills him is that she just looked so damn homegrown). Either way the game is simple. While sitting with a friend, claim that your penis has performed some grand and wonderful act which is wrongly attributed to some respected figure of the past.

For instance, I might be sitting down with my roommate and say "Did you know my penis won an Oscar for producing the film Bridge Over the River Kwai." He might respond with, "Oh really, because the Manhattan project used my penis as a model for the first atomic bomb." After a moment of silence for those lost in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I might respond, "Well were you aware that my penis won the 1996 N.B.A. Slam Dunk Contest. After replaying the winning dunk in his head, my roommate might say, "That's fine and good, but did you know my penis is the third seat viola in the Boston Pops." I'd probably come back "My penis actually developed the Polio vaccine." My roommate might look down to his lap, begin to frown and say, "My penis needs some penicillin." Yeah, unfortunately these games will tend to end awkwardly...

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