I would like to start this letter out by mentioning that I have always enjoyed your product, despite the obvious health risks. Your glowing, burger-shaped sign has many times been a beacon of hope to me, usually between the hours of 12 a.m. and 4 a.m. And even though the combination of your grease-coated food and four to twelve beers often placed me on the toilet for an hour of regret the next day, I still returned to your fine establishment time and time again. But after a recent incident, I will no longer do so.

The incident I am referring to occurred on the night of February 24, 2009, at approximately 11:45 p.m. I was calling it an early night, as I was feeling unnaturally tired, and decided to get some food for the drive home. I pulled into the Burger King drive thru, as I often do, and placed an order for onion rings, a spicy chicken sandwich, and a Whopper Jr.

I received my order and on the drive home I almost immediately noticed I had been given fries instead of onion rings. This occurs often and I consider it an acceptable mistake, especially since onion rings and fries cost the same, so I didn't get screwed out of any money. It was what I dug out of that grease-coated bag next that drove me to type this letter.

I pulled out one of two sandwiches. This one felt quite light, so I assumed it to be the spicy chicken sandwich. I opened it up and discovered that it was not a chicken sandwich at all, but instead, three chicken nuggets, coated with mayonnaise, on a bun. A Triple Nugget and Mayo Sandwich.

At first I shrugged it off, assuming that the chicken nuggets were simply easier to prepare than a chicken patty. I ate it, slightly peeved, then pulled out what I thought was the Whopper Jr. What I pulled out was the spicy chicken sandwich.

That is correct. You, Burger King, replaced my Whopper Jr., a heavily-promoted burger topped with theoretically-healthy accessories like lettuce and tomato, with three chicken nuggets and mayonnaise.

Why did you decide to do this, Burger King? Was it because you knew I was slightly (though certainly not to a noteworthy extent) intoxicated? No, I don't believe so. I believe it was because you knew I was not going to open the bag until I was too far down the road to turn around, drive back and complain. You were correct. And two days later, this incident still has me burned.

That is why I am now organizing a nationwide boycott of Burger King. It is not just because I am very vindictive that I am organizing this boycott, but because I would hate to see one of my fellow fast food conneisseurs burned in this way. To take an item that I ordered, one that you thrust upon the American public via the airwaves on a daily basis, and to replace it with some concoction that is not even, nor ever will be, on the menu is a slap in the face and a betrayal of my trust. Shame on you, Burger King.

I encourage all Americans to abandon all subsequent trips to Burger King in protest of this grievance. Americans deserve better than this.

If you need me, I'll be at Wendy's.

Last week I was fortunate enough to be invited to a very exclusive press conference held by Dr. Pepper (other notable attendees included Mr. PiBB, Dr. X, and James Lipton), in which they unveiled to us a secret they've been guarding for years: the 23 mystery flavors used in Dr. Pepper. We were trusted with this information that day, and I have decided to betray their trust today for your education. So without further ado, the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper:

1. Cherry

2. Artificial cherry

3. Vanilla

4. Cola

5. Granny Smith apple

6. Grandpa Smith apple

7. Grandpa Smith's Adam's apple

8. Rhinoceros meat

9. Rhinoceros horn

10. Rhinoceros urine

11. Rhinoceros urine after an unnecessary dialysis session

12. Jesus tears

13. Chocolate

14. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream

15. Rain water

16. Rainn Wilson

17. AstroGlide

18. Smuckers

19. Mercury

20. Venus

21. Legos

22. Firewater

23. A joke that should've ended 12 flavors ago

2. From now on, ride with Rhodey.

3. It is much simpler to build a supercharged battery/electromagnet that fits in a permanent hole in your chest cavity than it is to schedule a heart surgery.

4. Fire-extinguishing robots are needy and insecure.

5. It will only take me a few minutes to fly from California to Afghanistan, because the truth is, I am Iron Man.

6. Jeff Bridges will shave his head and murder you if he has to.

7. Should I strap on the additional super-suit and help my friend fight his power-hungry nemesis who stole his heart-battery to power an iron suit the size of a school bus? Nah. Next time, baby. Next time.

8. Gwyneth Paltrow would sooner name her child after a fruit than make out with Robert Downey, Jr.