Aaron Peever's Articles

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that after reviewing your application we have decided not to approve your request for a bailout package. We understand that the economy has taken quite a hit, and that many industries are struggling, unfortunately at this time, we will not be able to extend any relief funds to you.

Part of what went into our decision is the crude way in which you made your request. A dishevelled cardboard sign with the words "SPARE CHANGE" scrawled illegibly in magic marker is no way to ask for money. It's intrusive, impersonal, and most of all, it comes off a little strong. A more inviting method would be to charter a private jet to our offices and make the request in person over some brandy.

Dear Mr. Peever,

Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your numerous requests and will not be expanding our famous Shark Week.

While the prospects of "Shark Month" and "Shark Semester" are enticing, we still feel that well-rounded and informative programming is more conducive to our mission. Your subsequent request of a "Shark Fortnight" was an improvement, but we're still confident that one week out of the year devoted entirely to sharks is enough.

Dear Timmy,
Thank you very much for the nice letter you sent this year. I hope you're getting as excited for Christmas as I am. I do, however, regret to inform you of some issues that came up with regards to your requests.

I won't be able to bring you the iPhone you asked for. It's not that we've run out of stock or anything, we've actually got plenty of them, it's just that you live in a very tough neighbourhood. I hope I'm not sounding like I'm being prejudiced or anything like that, it's just- the odds of you keeping the iPhone for more than a week are quite slim. I've seen kids in the past cry their little eyes out after someone steals their new Xbox or Wiimote.

Then there's also my own safety to consider. I'm an old white man and you live in a rather ˜colourful' area. It would be foolish for me to be gallivanting around your neighbourhood in my nice fully-equipped sleigh packed to the brim with expensive toys for all the good little boys and girls. I've seen "Menace II Society," I know what goes on.

Sadly, the iPhone isn't the only thing I can't deliver. I wish I were able to give you everything you asked for, but it just won't be feasible. The fact is that there is just no cure for cancer. I promise I'm not holding out on you, Tim. I really don't have any way to go about raising your white cell count. I had some of the elves participate in clinical trials but their exhausted withered bodies are a sign that progress still needs to be made.

Finally, and this is the hardest thing to say of them all: I can't bring your mother back. You just need to understand, Timmy, that sometimes when someone you love is taken from you so tragically, the only way to get her back is to pay the ransom and follow the instructions you are given. You can't just ask me to let her go. That's not how I operate.

I don't want to be the bad guy here, Timmy; it's just business. Production costs have skyrocketed and we need to recover some of our losses. We've been asking around for some type of bailout package, something that seems to be on everyone's list this year, but to no avail.

So, if you would like to have a Merry Christmas this year, meet me in the park on Friday with the money and maybe some cookies, and we'll make some magic happen. You just need to believe. Just like I believe I don't need to tell you that I want small, unmarked and non-sequential bills in a discreet bag.

If you do your part this will be the happiest Christmas ever! I know your mom is really counting on you. She needs to, because she can't really count on her fingers anymore. She only has nine left (see enclosed).

See you at the drop!
Merry Christmas

Kringle