CollegeHumor: User 478183's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788653 Hamburglar Writes the McDonald Land Police Department Requesting a Re-Take of His Mug Shot Thu, 23 Jul 2009 14:02:46 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788653 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Officer Big Mac,
      After meeting with my attorney last night following my most recent arrest, I feel that it would be in the interest of justice that you allow me to retake my mug shot.
      If you recall yesterday when you found me in the Hamburger Patch with that bag of burgers that I totally just found there and was on my way to try to find the rightful owner, I was wearing my favourite Halloween costume: Zorro as a Prisoner. I am a little concerned that a photograph of me wearing an old timey prison outfit with a matching bandit mask will give the jury the wrong idea about me and my innocence.
      Also, I must stress, the tie I was wearing in the photo was not mine. It was lent to me by my well-meaning attorney in an attempt to make me look more presentable. I'm worried that his poor choice of tie will make me look like some burger- junkie with high cholesterol and arteries so backed up they could stop traffic on a freeway.
      All that I am asking of you is that you give me another chance at a proper mug shot; one in which I'm wearing a normal shirt and a classic tie with maybe one or two small burgers on them, no cheese. This doesn't need to be a big deal, I just would like to jury to see me as a reasonable person who happens to enjoy the occasional hamburger and doesn't need to sneak into a Hamburger Patch at four in the morning in order to get his fix because the all night drive thru won't give its best customer a couple on the house.
      Your granting my request will give the McDonald Land Police Department some much needed good press, after last year's corruption allegations that left a bad taste in everyone's mouth and a sick feeling in their stomachs.
      Thank you for your co-operation and I hope to hear from you soon. I'll be right where you left me, in my cell, unable to make bail, because this backwards country doesn't accept hamburgers as currency.

Robble Robble,
Hamburglar

P.S. - While I am not prepared to admit guilt, if you will consider granting me some leniency in my case, I may or may not have valuable information on the Grimace murder.


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788653">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774507 Response to My Letters to Somali Pirates Requesting They Take up a More Traditional Approach to Piracy on the High Seas Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774507 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mr.Peever,

Thank you very much for your letters. It's good to know that despite all the negative attention we've been receiving in the media, that we are still able to garner some support. However, at this time, we feel that it would be best if we not heed the advice you've been so graciously offering and continue doing things our own way.

While we do agree that it would look "totally badass" if we were to don the more flamboyant look of pirates from the 18 century, the heavy wool jackets and puffy blouses are hard to come by in this part of the world. Also, I don't know if you've ever sailed along the coast of Somalia (I don't recommend it, LOL), but it is extremely hot here. My men would surely succumb to heatstroke and other wearing-a-wool-coat-with-thick-pants-and-leather-boots-under-a-relentlessly-hot-sun-related medical conditions. It just doesn't seem like a practical choice.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-23 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 29 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773474 Letters I Sent To the Woman I Saw Inspecting Some Cantaloupes at the Grocery Store Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:10:23 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773474 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Melon Lady,

I'm sorry that I said "Nice tits" today while you were trying to determine which melon was the most ripe. It was supposed to be a joke, and I was supposed to say "melons" and not "tits." I hope my little faux pas didn't ruin your shopping experience.
-Aaron


Dear Melon Lady,

I should also clarify: when I meant to say "nice melons" to you, it was intended to refer to the cantaloupes you were looking at. After our little exchange, I realized that what I said could be misinterpreted as a double-entendre referring to both the ample size of the fruit and your gigantic boobs. This was not my intention.

I am also terribly sorry for touching them. I have no idea what that was all about.

So in summation, what should have happened today was me saying "nice melons" while you were holding melons, and you should have said "Thank you" and that was it.
 -Aaron


Dear Melon Lady,

I'm sorry to keep bothering you like this, but every time I replay the events in my head I realize that there are still some parts of our exchange today that may need further clarification.

 The reason I was naked this afternoon was because today is laundry day and I had run out of clean clothes to wear.  If, instead of screaming incessantly, you had looked inside my shopping cart, you would have noticed a value-sized bottle of detergent and a copy of Tiger Beat.

I hope we can chalk this up to a simple misunderstanding, and continue with our lives. I know that an old woman like you has little time left on earth and needs to make the most of it. I hope this explanation will give you sufficient closure and we can both move on from here.

 -Aaron

P.S. - Sorry about my erection.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773103 Recession Proofing Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773103 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Office Memorandum
To: ALL STAFF
Re: Productivity

It has come to my attention that worker productivity in this office has taken a significant dip in the past few weeks. I know business has been slow due to the troubled economy, but we must continue business as usual.

I don't want to name any names, but some employees are slacking more than normal. Sheldon Fischer in Accounting, for example, has been spotted in the lunchroom several times over the last week talking incessantly about his new haircut. Surely company time can be better spent.

I mean, every other thing out of your mouth is haircut-related! You've been regaling everyone with long-winded and whimsical prostrations about your hair "capturing your mysterious side" or that with the right product in your hair you "kind of look like Prince." We've had enough. There are other more important things to worry about. No one wants to hear how your natural wave is a result of your Italian ancestry. We have business to do.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-02 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765757 Sorry, But Your Bailout Request Has Been Denied Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765757 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that after reviewing your application we have decided not to approve your request for a bailout package. We understand that the economy has taken quite a hit, and that many industries are struggling, unfortunately at this time, we will not be able to extend any relief funds to you.

Part of what went into our decision is the crude way in which you made your request. A dishevelled cardboard sign with the words "SPARE CHANGE" scrawled illegibly in magic marker is no way to ask for money. It's intrusive, impersonal, and most of all, it comes off a little strong. A more inviting method would be to charter a private jet to our offices and make the request in person over some brandy.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-10 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765632 Response to My Letters from Discovery Channel Regarding My Requests that they Extend Shark Week Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765632 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mr. Peever,

Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your numerous requests and will not be expanding our famous Shark Week.

While the prospects of "Shark Month" and "Shark Semester" are enticing, we still feel that well-rounded and informative programming is more conducive to our mission. Your subsequent request of a "Shark Fortnight" was an improvement, but we're still confident that one week out of the year devoted entirely to sharks is enough.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-05 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 380 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765553 Some Logistical Issues Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:22:32 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765553 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Timmy,
Thank you very much for the nice letter you sent this year. I hope you're getting as excited for Christmas as I am. I do, however, regret to inform you of some issues that came up with regards to your requests.

I won't be able to bring you the iPhone you asked for. It's not that we've run out of stock or anything, we've actually got plenty of them, it's just that you live in a very tough neighbourhood. I hope I'm not sounding like I'm being prejudiced or anything like that, it's just- the odds of you keeping the iPhone for more than a week are quite slim. I've seen kids in the past cry their little eyes out after someone steals their new Xbox or Wiimote.

Then there's also my own safety to consider. I'm an old white man and you live in a rather ˜colourful' area. It would be foolish for me to be gallivanting around your neighbourhood in my nice fully-equipped sleigh packed to the brim with expensive toys for all the good little boys and girls. I've seen "Menace II Society," I know what goes on.

Sadly, the iPhone isn't the only thing I can't deliver. I wish I were able to give you everything you asked for, but it just won't be feasible. The fact is that there is just no cure for cancer. I promise I'm not holding out on you, Tim. I really don't have any way to go about raising your white cell count. I had some of the elves participate in clinical trials but their exhausted withered bodies are a sign that progress still needs to be made.

Finally, and this is the hardest thing to say of them all: I can't bring your mother back. You just need to understand, Timmy, that sometimes when someone you love is taken from you so tragically, the only way to get her back is to pay the ransom and follow the instructions you are given. You can't just ask me to let her go. That's not how I operate.

I don't want to be the bad guy here, Timmy; it's just business. Production costs have skyrocketed and we need to recover some of our losses. We've been asking around for some type of bailout package, something that seems to be on everyone's list this year, but to no avail.

So, if you would like to have a Merry Christmas this year, meet me in the park on Friday with the money and maybe some cookies, and we'll make some magic happen. You just need to believe. Just like I believe I don't need to tell you that I want small, unmarked and non-sequential bills in a discreet bag.

If you do your part this will be the happiest Christmas ever! I know your mom is really counting on you. She needs to, because she can't really count on her fingers anymore. She only has nine left (see enclosed).

See you at the drop!
Merry Christmas


Kringle


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765093 Dear Sweetheart: Letters Home From A Soldier Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765093 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-02 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 54 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765091 Excerpts From My Grandfather's Autobiography That Lead Me To Believe He Might Not Have Been As Tolerant of Other Races as He Has Let On Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1765091 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> "It was not long after Thanksgiving that I started getting terrible and constant headaches. My wife suggested that I go to the hospital and get checked out. 'Better safe than sorry,' she always cautioned. After a series of CAT scans and MRIs Dr. Rabinowitz, a Jew, broke the devastating news: Cancer."

"The winter of '67 was especially trying for my family. The mill closed that November so I was out of work again. Also, the Chinaman who was supposed to fix our furnace didn't do a good job. Not that I was expecting him to."

"I had finally managed to scrape together enough money for an engagement ring. I had to hock my beloved guitar in order to do so but seeing the look on Grace's face when I popped the question, I briefly forgot she was half Italian. It was beautiful."

"Her first weekend home from college, my daughter introduced us to her new boyfriend, Jamal. Terrific, I thought to myself, I guess we can kiss our VCR goodbye."

"On his seventh birthday Eldon, my youngest son, received a badminton set from a schoolmate of his. We had hardly finished dessert when a wayward shuttlecock caused him to put his racket through our sliding glass door. He was always such a clumsy cracker."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-24 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747970 Facebook: Not Just For Creeping Exes Anymore Thu, 10 Jan 2008 23:24:07 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1747970 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I guess one of the things that have changed in the whole Web 2.0 revolution is an increase in using the Internet for non-masturbatory purposes. I don't really get it. Until last year, I thought the Ethernet cable that sticks out the back of my computer was called the 'Porno Cord.' But what's really alien to me is how people are now using the Internet to raise awareness on various humanitarian issues.


You don't have to look any farther than Facebook to see how people are putting their dicks away (at least for a few minutes) in order to try and make a difference in the world. I don't know how genuine people are when they add that ridiculous 'Causes' application to their profile but I suspect that they are doing it for the same reason that Bono fights AIDS in $1000 sunglasses: delicious irony.


What better way to mobilize people and foster change in the world than to put a little box on a profile that no one sees unless you're some hot chick with at least two albums worth of pictures of you and your friends getting ready to go clubbing. It all seems a little shallow to me.


Maybe I'm heartless, but in the last week I've rejected seven invitations to add 'Causes', 4 invites to join 'If this group reaches 1 mil, I will run around the world for AIDS,' and 2 requests to 'Save Darfur.' To me, there are better ways to pay lip service and ease my conscience than cluttering up my Facebook profile with applications and widgets that make me look like a hippie. Besides, it would cheapen the whole movement if someone looked at my profile and saw that not only am I e-joining the fight against poverty, but I'm a member of 'I Love Boobies.'


No, I guess I'm old-school. I scour my news feed looking for slutty pictures of my sister's friends, give myself a Stranger, and log off. No humanitarian breaks. No finding cures. Nothing. Except for some Jetman.


But Group-Joining and Application-Adding aren't the only ways that people can give the illusion that they care about something other than how many people commented on their note about their tough day. I've noticed another trend in e-making-a-difference that people have also adopted quite readily: Wall-posting Amber Alerts. SWEET! Because that's what I like doing while I'm creeping on people's profiles: fighting crime!


I guess what I'm trying to say is adding these lame little poverty-fighting widgets and spamming me about how a baby was abducted by her mother (something I thought was impossible) is an inefficient way to bring about change. Want to make a real difference in the world? Pick up a sign and take to the streets. And if the police use a water-cannon to keep the protesters at bay, make sure you post those pics ASAP because nothing says 'Free Tibet' like 60 chicks in wet t-shirts.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743356 A Letter To Batman From the Justice League Upon Learning of the Savings Associated with Shopping Online Sun, 28 Oct 2007 16:04:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743356 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Bruce,
It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. Unfortunately, recent developments have come to light that have caused the Justice League to reach the consensus that your services are no longer needed.
There were actually several reasons that led the League to the decision to revoke your membership. Perhaps the most obvious fact that doesn’t really need to be said, is the fact that you don’t have any superpowers. You’re just a regular guy. No ability to fly, no x-ray vision, no super speed, nothing. You’re just some rich guy who watched his parents die and developed a personal vendetta against evil and an obsession with justice. Not Justice League material at all. You know, maybe if you had been in a lab accident or something, or came from a different planet, things would be different. But right now, you’re just some civilian with a cape and a riced out car and we can’t really have outsiders laming up my fortress of solitude.
But Bruce, rest assured that that was not the only reason for our decision. Actually, your lack of powers was something that we were able to overlook for so many years. It wasn’t that big a deal for us; especially since you were able to use your company to provide us all with those great gadgets that make our jobs easier. Like those utility belts you got us for Christmas last year, amazing. Now, I keep a spare set of keys in there, so I won’t lock myself out of my car anymore.
However, the other day, Flash was spending some time on a computer he bought at a police auction. He was in an Internet (pretty fantastic stuff) and discovered a ‘website’ called Amazon.com.I’ve got to tell you, Bruce, this thing is pretty sweet. We were able to order new grappling hooks and pepper spray for less than half the price you we’re charging us through Wayne Enterprises.
Now, I’m not accusing you of price-gouging, but the difference in price was a little suspect. Also, they said they could ship us all our gear OVERNIGHT! It’s amazing what this ‘interweb’ is capable of.No more waiting for you to ‘get around’ to swinging by your warehouse. They’re even giving us wholesale prices on all our uniforms. I can finally fill my whole closet with my costume like I’ve always wanted. That’s going to look so cool!
So Bruce, I hope that there are no hard feelings here. It was strictly a business decision to have to let you go. We have to stay ahead of the competition. It’s a crazy world out there, but I know that you will find something else. If you need a letter of recommendation for anything, everyone said that they would be more than happy to sign it. Except for Wonder Woman; I think she’s still bitter about the time you tried to rape her.
Anyways, there are a few of boxes full of your things in my garage at the Fortress of Solitude. So whenever you get a chance, by Monday, come by and pick them up. Before Monday (garbage day).
Good Luck Bruce.
Sincerely,
Superman,
Human Resources Director
Justice League of America
P.S.
Attached is last month’s electric bill. Your Batsignal® was a real bitch on electricity. Maybe if you had gotten a cell phone like the rest of us I wouldn’t have to ask you for such a large sum of money under these circumstances.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737472 Open Letter of Complaint to My New Roommate, Who Happens to be a Ghost Tue, 31 Jul 2007 21:25:08 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737472 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey man,
 
I hope you’re getting settled in alright and like it here in your new dorm. I know that college can be a big adjustment and sometimes it causes people to act a little strange. Over the last week or so I have noticed some behaviour that could be detrimental to us having a good year together as roomies.
 
First, I’ve noticed that you have been tossing books around our room and ruffling papers everywhere. Now this in itself isn’t really a problem. It’s a cool trick that you do and I am a bit of a fan of the Poltergeist impression, but please, can you clean up the mess afterwards? I don’t want to bring chicks to my room (hopefully) when it looks like a certain ghost threw a hissy-fit in here. Just try to keep it clean is all I’m saying.
 
Second, when I’m in here with my old girlfriend from high school who I am totally going to break up with before classes start, can you please not hang out “just to watch and maybe get in a quick spook”? We all think the whole walking through walls thing is awesome, but it’s hard for me to keep the mood going when you’re constantly hovering three feet above the bed, pulling back the sheets whispering “What you are doing makes Jesus cry.” As fun as it is having you support me trying to get some, girls don’t really like the idea of another person watching, let alone a ghost.
 
Finally, when we’re in the common room watching TV, it would be really nice if you could be a little less critical about the movies I want to watch. If I want to throw in the special edition of Casper, I don’t need you pointing out all the inaccuracies. I don’t care if dying isn’t really like being born, but backwards. Don’t tell me. It ruins the magic. Just because you can’t grasp the idea of a ghost who would rather love than scare, doesn’t mean that I can’t too.
 
Honestly, these are really just some minor things that have been bugging me over the last week. I don’t want to sound like a total buzz-kill here. I just think that it is important for us to respect each other’s boundaries. Aside from those concerns, I think we are going to have a really sweet year together. If you have any questions, or like, want me to pick something up for you (I noticed you were having some trouble with your backpack yesterday) just let me know.
 
Peace out man,
 
Harv
 
P.S. I was thinking that we should throw the raddest Halloween party ever!!! Maybe even with a haunted house theme?! Let me know what you think!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737420 Internal Monologue of a Polo Shirt About to Have Its Collar Popped Tue, 31 Jul 2007 10:42:31 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737420 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Ah yes, Friday! I’ve done my time in the hamper and in the wash and now it’s finally my day in the rotation. Friday! That’s the best day to get worn. That means I’m chick-worthy. I’m the kind of shirt that is going to get a girl all excited and maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll get tossed on the floor tonight. That would be so rad. The striped dress shirts will be so jealous.

That’s right buddy, take me off the hanger. You know I’m the pick of the week. There’s no question that I’m getting worn tonight. You even ironed me last night straight out of the dryer. Extra starch on the collar too. This is going to happen, pal. There you go buddy, toss me onto the bed to make sure I match your jeans. You know I do. Pastel Pink goes with everything my man, the chick at A&F told you so.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 44 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734459 Rejection Letter from the Marcel Marceau Academy of Mime Thu, 21 Jun 2007 00:23:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734459 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mr. Goodwin,
We have recently received your application and audition tape for the consideration of this prestigious academy. However, upon review of your submission it has become obvious that you lack the necessary knowledge of the art of mime, and thus are not currently a good candidate for enrolment. In the future, you are more than welcome to reapply once you have sharpened some of your skills and essentially figured out exactly what a mime is. 

Here are some suggestions to consider should you decide to reapply:
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733286 A Letter Home From A Kid Who Thinks He's At Magic Camp But Is Really At Fat Camp Fri, 08 Jun 2007 00:52:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733286 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m having a great time so far at Camp Make-it-Disappear. I’m meeting a whole bunch of cool kids here and am making a lot of new friends. Thanks so much for sending me to magic camp. It seems a lot different than what I thought it would be- but that's the nature of magic, it's never what you expect!

On the first day when I put on my custom cloak and Merlin hat, everyone laughed at me. Obviously these geeks have no appreciation for the classics. They're all about David Blaine and Chris Angel. Not me, Houdini FTW!

We haven’t really been doing too much magic so far. It's mostly conditioning for magic, I suppose. Sometimes David Copperfield performs 4-5 hour sets. I imagine that takes endurance, which is what I'm building up for on the many hikes we take through the (most likely) enchanted forest.

Not that I'm complaining, but the food here is pretty meager. They don't fry ANYTHING and we get granola bars for desert. They're pretty strict about snacks in the bunks too. They tried to take away all my Snickers the first night so I had to quickly make them disappear, lol.

One thing that gets me is that none of these kids seem to care about magic. All they talk about is food, food, food. I mean, their parents were awesome enough to send them to this great magic camp. I'm hungry too, hungry for magic. Also for food. But mostly magic!

You guys are going to love this: I am THE BEST at magic here. None of the other kids even really know how to do any illusions. Even my simplest trick- you know the one where I pass a quarter through my hand? That totally baffles those idiots.

Having the BEST! TIME! EVER!
Chester ‘The Amazing Chest’ Jones

p.s.

Can you please bring me some of those brownies with the peanuts on top for parents’ day? Thanks!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731413 Things Spiderman Would Do if His Uncle Didn’t Give Him That Speech About Responsibility Sat, 19 May 2007 00:32:01 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731413 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Cause panic with bi-weekly suicide attempts from the top of the Daily Bugle
2. Decorate people’s houses for Halloween...then rob them
3. Take pictures of naked chicks from high rises
4. Take pictures of chicks, naked, from high rises
5. Lead the NBA in blocks
6. Get revenge on everyone from high school
7. Drive with a baby on his lap
8. Raise money for pro-choice organizations…then rob them
9. Win 1st place in every comic book convention costume contest
10. Not return library books on time
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731412 Response to My Letter from Intellicorp Regarding My Requests for a Custom Robot Sat, 19 May 2007 00:27:46 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731412 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mr. Peever,
I regret to inform you that we will not be able to fill your request that we received earlier this month. At this time, Intellicorp is not specializing in sale of its products to private citizens.

I am also concerned that there may be some confusion as to exactly what we do here. For your information, we make automated machinery designed for the manufacturing of small aircraft, and automobiles. It may be an oversight on my part, but no where in our catalogue does it say we make “Murder-bots” and “Sexmatrons”. I apologize if there was any misinformation given to you by our company.

When placing a custom order with our company, it is also preferred if you would be able to include some detailed specifications and some sketches if possible. Our design team would appreciate it if in the future you did not submit scribblings of nude women with an attached note that says “in robot-form”.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731411 Nair For Men: A Guide to Safe Pube-Grooming Sat, 19 May 2007 00:17:38 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731411 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Smooth is the new black. Being man-pretty today demands more attention to detail and more dedication to style than ever before. For now, being hairless is in. The ladies love a man who’s got two eyebrows a shaved face, smooth back and a chiseled bald chest. It’s a fact. But being truly manly and dedicating one’s self to the cause means going that extra mile. Yes, I’m talking smooth balls.
Today’s modern chicks dig guys with a folliclly challenged scrotum. So what’s a guy to do? It seems impractical to take a Mach 3 to your junk. Not so much impractical as it is totally dangerous. You cut yourself once, it cuts you thee times. None needs parallel scars on his nads.

And what about using your hairy roommate's old mustache trimmer? This is a practical alternative. When used carefully, you can get a pretty close shave in minutes. And when you couple the joke value of watching your roomie trim his chinstrap with the same device, electric shavers are indeed a good way to cut the grass and get a good laugh.

Modern science, however, has brought forth a next generation in male hair removal. Nair, the combination eyebrow-leg-and-pube-remover for women has recently released a product exclusively for men. Yes, now men too can rub-on and rub off unsightly body hair.

 When I heard of this I was excited. Finally, no more bleeding balls for the sake of beauty. The day Nair for men came out I was there, ready to get my bottle and enter the future of ball hair removal. Until I read the directions. “Do not use on perianal or genital area.” Those words were like tiny razorblades cutting at my sac. How can a hair removal product exclusively for men not be equipped for use on the balls?

 I wasn’t discouraged just yet. I was certain that the warning was just some legal jargon to protect their own balls in case of mishap, and that the product not only could be used on my balls, but it would work like a charm.
The warning was sound.

The instant the cream touched my nads, it was like the apocalypse was taking place suspended from between my legs. To say it burned would be an understatement. But that’s not the worst of it. In addition to the burning, there was extensive shriveling that has not yet subsided. My balls are beyond wrinkled. It was the most horrible and painful experience I have ever had.

 They are, however, hairless are more attractive than one could ever imagine, and dammit, they look good. These nuts are now fully equipped for some serious attention. Medical attention.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731410 Open Letter to that Cheap Bastard Santa Claus On December 26th Sat, 19 May 2007 00:15:28 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731410 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Santa,
 
You think this is a freakin’ joke, don’t you? The letters I write to you mean nothing? I was a good boy all year and did everything I was asked to do. I stopped downloading music from the internet, and significantly cut down on my stealing from the food drive. And this is the thanks I get?
 
I wrote to you back in March and specifically asked for the hot new iPod nano. I told you which model and even specified the color. Puce. In April, I get a reply saying that, “if you are a good boy this year, I will do my best at getting you the iPod.”
 
In the letter sent to you in October of this year, I updated my request as technology progressed and told you I wanted the new one that plays videos and has a picture of Bono on it; the one that cures AIDS or something. Your response was a non-reassuring “no problem.”
 
So I was rather disappointed yesterday morning when I opened up my presents and did not get my video iPod. Were you intentionally dicking with me all year, or did it just slip your mind?
 
Nowhere in my letters did I say I wanted a cheap-ass iPod shuffle! Needless to say I was extremely pissed yesterday I opened up my very own Shuffle like I’m living in a freakin’ third world country. Dammit, it doesn’t even have a display let alone the ability to show me 4 hours of U2 benefit concerts?
 
I hope you are laughing and freezing your ass off up in the North Pole because down here in the real world I’m stuck looking like a douchebag with my welfare iPod Shuffle. You try getting some tail with this shit. Merry Christmas you cheap bastard.
 
 
 
Sincerely
 
Aaron “I have no idea what song I am listening to” Peever
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731409 Getting That Special Girl to Like You Sat, 19 May 2007 00:11:38 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731409 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> So you’ve seen her in class a few times and you just can’t take your eyes off her. She is one of the most beautiful women you have ever seen without downloading and the problem is she hardly knows your exist. Sound familiar?
Well there’s no need to live an empty, lonely, miserable life without her anymore because as an experienced lover of women, it is my duty to provide the loveless with some fool-proof steps that will not only get her to notice you, she will practically throw herself at you because you are so friggin’ smooth and irresistible.
 
First, you want to remain present around her, but not too in her face. When in class, sit close enough to her that you can still smell her hair, but far enough away that that neither she nor anyone else around you will notice. This is a good way for the two of you to ease into the relationship. You don’t want to come off too strong by doing something overly aggressive like starting a conversation.
 
Forging a relationship with her outside of a school setting is the hardest and most important step. A chance meeting on the street or in an alley at night is a great way to break the ice. To improve the possibility of the chance meeting, I highly recommend doing a little recognisance on her. Case out her house, known hang-outs, place of employment etc. and if possible try to get a good handle on the specific times she goes places. If you know when and where she is leaving the house you have a much better chance at bumping into her and stopping for a chat.
 
Here are some very important tips that you should follow when doing your secret recon missions:
  • Start by finding out where she lives. This info can be used as a reference point for her comings and goings.
  • Try to remain hidden. Again, you don’t want to come off too strong by allowing her to see you. Everything will run a lot smoother if you are able to remain unseen, at least for the time being. Personal experience indicates that trees and shrubs are great places to lay low.
  • Do not masturbate with lubricant if you are hiding in a tree. I know it is tempting to break out the Vaseline when you are sitting in the tree staring at an obstructed view of a silhouette that could either be her changing in her room or a coat rack with legs that don’t seem to end; but if you lube up while hiding in a tree, you are asking for trouble.
 
Finally, if the unthinkable ever were to happen and you find yourself face to face with her, your best bet is to turn around and run away. Even if you gather the courage to initiate a conversation with her and you two eventually fall in love, someday it will be found out that you were the one who fell out of her tree with your pants down and ran away before her disgruntled father could give you back your jar of Vaseline. Save yourself the heartache and the ruptured testicle and trust me, just keep your distance. It’s better this way.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/6/collegehumor.c74708143afb3e74e019f226019c90b1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:478183">Aaron Peever</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:133"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />