Kevin Slane's Articles

1 total in October 2007

  • A Mighty Morphin' Midlife Crisis

    Jason and Kimberly are at home, preparing for bed. Kimberly is in seductive pink lingerie, Jason in a pair of red boxers. Both are wearing their helmets.

    Jason: You ready, sweetie?
    Kimberly:     Am I ever!
    (Together):     IT’S MORPHIN TIME!

    …….

    Jason: Damn it!

    Kimberly: What’s the problem, dear? I thought the T-Rex was ready to roll tonight.
    Jason: I just don’t understand it…
    Kimberly: What happened to the Megazord I once knew?

    Jason: I’m trying, ok? Honestly, I don’t even need a T-Rex anymore… just a velociraptor maybe, just for a few minutes…

    Kimberly: Listen, this happens to people… there’s good medication to treat this… talk to Zordon, I hear he has some sweet power crystals... or Rita Repulsa, she just tosses that staff of hers and makes her monsters 1000 times bigger...

    Jason: Are you kidding me? I don’t need anything… I’m a Power Ranger… I’m sworn to protect the galaxy from the forces of evil! I’m a black belt!

    Kimberly: Yeah, yeah, and Keanu Reeves “knows” Kung-Fu… That’s the problem with you Jason, always living in the past! While you sit here refusing to get treatment, I have to rely on Alpha for sexual pleasure!

    Alpha 5 (from inside the bedroom closet): Aye yi yi yi yi yi!
    Jason & Kimberly: SHUT THE F*CK UP!
    Kimberly: Listen, we need to talk… you’ve left me no choice about what to do with life… I’ve been seeing another man.
    Jason: WHAT?! (disturbed by sudden knock at front door)
    Kimberly: Oh no, not right now…
    (Jason goes to door, opens it to find Zack, in full uniform)
    Zack: I’m here for the gangbang.

    Jason:     Are you serious, Kimberly? I was the leader of the Rangers! I’m the one who brought us all together!
    Kimberly: I know sweetie, but… once you go black, you…
    Jason: DON’T EVEN SAY IT! Screw this, I hope you guys enjoy yourselves, I’m gonna go get hammered. (Exits with door slam) Goddamn affirmative action...
    Zack: Well then, let’s get this party started, baby…
    Kimberly: Hold on, let me close the shades first. (Quickly shuts the shades)
    Rita Repulsa: (Looking through telescope from moon base) Are you serious? Just as this sh*t was getting hot…
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    • Kevin Slane University of Wisconsin

    About Me

    I got the gift of gab, and I intend to use it, fella. I'm known around here more for comments which are entirely too long and the occasional humorous article. I'm a journalism (probably soon switching to English) major who channels all of his strengths in the wrong places, like on here, rather than into the paper I have due in 3 hours. I write for The Daily Cardinal, Wisconsin's student newspaper, and blog for a few other random websites of no real consequence. Facebook me, it'll be like we're friends fo' rizzeal!

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