Mary Kolesnikova's Articles

Best Day Ever-

Message 1: "Hey, baby. I know you're so nervous about today. I'm just at work, thinking of you. No matter what happens I'm going to come home, cook you dinner butt naked, you stallion! Love you!"

Message 2: "Hello there, this is Doctor George! Sorry to have gotten you so worried, but it turns out my glasses were dirty and it wasn't a tumor at all, isn't that funny?"

Worst Day Ever-

Message 3: "Uh. Oh, geez. This is... Doctor George. You know... I went to clean my glasses just now and it was... still there.. um. It's actually the biggest tumor I think I've ever seen. You should... probably come down here."

Dick Cheney’s Left Leg, Washington D.C., USA – Breaking news today as Vice President Dick Cheney’s Deep Venous Thrombosis Engineering Group (DVTEG) goes public with their latest project.

Previously they have launched four heart attacks, ranging from life-threatening to unpleasant, and were solely responsible for the Cheney Aneurism of ’05. With so much success under their belt, the industry was surprised today to hear of their latest endeavor.

“Well, I know a lot of people are saying ‘Four heart attacks? That’s some serious stuff!’ but I’m just not satisfied,” said Cee Lott, the VP of development. “You know me,” she adds, “I’m a perfectionist.”

Industry insiders have been wondering about a new deep venous thrombosis for weeks, taking Cheney’s shortness of breath and general ugliness of the face to be sure signs.

“He’s fine,” the White House Press Secretary kept saying, but since today’s news broke, it is clear that he is not.

“Yeah, we really enjoy that element of surprise around here,” Lott chuckles, sitting back in her chair after a long day of work.

As for future plans, Lott and DVTEG aren’t thinking too far ahead. “This is good for now,” she reports, “besides, I think this one’s gonna be pretty explosive.”

The Dressing Room at Macy’s, Anywhere – I’m bringing my journalistic integrity to the biggest unanswered question of all time: Why do only fat chicks ask if they look fat? Does being fat somehow make them think that everybody else is blind? That might be nice, considering they’re in a state of denial about some needed wardrobe upgrades.

“I don’t need to buy new pants because I’m just bloated, I’m starting my period in-“

That’s just fucking gross. We don’t need to hear about you bleeding like, literally, a stuck pig. And besides, bitch, please. If you were “starting your period tomorrow” every time you ate chocolate, you’d be dead from the blood loss.

Don’t you know it’s just not nice to put people in the position of lying to you? Some people are religious and asking them to reassure you at the expense of their immortal souls is a bit much, don’t you think?

Here, let’s try to think of a solution together. First, you’ll need a portable keg. The cheaper the better, you’ll go through a lot of them. Keep everybody around you intoxicated and you’ll magically lose weight. Or, you know, stop pretend menstruating and skip the Krispy Kreme baker’s dozen run for today.

Your Parent’s Basement, USA – Let me guess. You are sitting in your parent’s basement. I know it’s technically your own apartment because your drunk uncle put a door in, and technically you come and go as you please, but your parents are still walking around above your head, right? Well you know what else they’re doing?

They’re laughing at you. Loudly. You can’t tell because you’re listening to the new Shins and you’re blogging about how great it is. How do I know? Because my grandma blogged about it from beyond the grave. She says that Hitler really digs it. My grandma may have been instrumental in causing the AIDS epidemic, but she’s not stupid. She hates your blog and Hilter thinks you need to punch up the jokes a little bit. Come on. It’s not like you’ve got rent to pay.

In other news, everybody come check out my blog: http://www.livingthequarterlife.com !!!

You think I'm gonna say something like "They're fucking hot and dripping wet for you." Well, kinda. See, the hotter the drunk girl is, the more insecure she is. She can hide it when she's sober, but when she gets sloppy, all bets are off.

A hot girl is only hot when she's not talking. When she starts talking, you're in trouble. Because the drunker they are and the more they talk, the sooner they'll hit upon a subject that makes them cry. Like an ex-boyfriend, or that Twinkie they ate for lunch and just couldn't barf up.

This is the anatomy of a conversation with a hot drunk girl that's straddling the fence:

"WOOOOOOOOOO!" she says at first, "Thiss iz like the best, oh my god, hahahahahahaha, yeah, oh shit, yeah!!!! Jello Shoooooots! CASEY! CAAAAAAAAAAAA-SEY! Come HERE you dumb SLUT! Hahahahahaha. Okay, okay, ready everybody? Okay! Letsh do these SYOTS!"

"Oh HEY KEVIN!!!!!!!" is what she says when she notices you, "Omigod, like holy shit, remember Professor BARFman, hahahahahahaha, in class he was all like 'The quantum theory of *makes fart noise,*' HAHAHA. I can't believe you're HERE! Shit, okay, come here. I just had me some Hyp-no-tickkkkkk and it's so fruuuucking awesome, like off the dizzllle... HAHAHAHA OFF THE DIZZLE!!! CASEY!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?! OFFFFFFF DAAAAAAAA DIZZZZZZZZZZLLLLLEEEE!!!!"

"Kuvin," she says, three shots later, "let's go outside. Pleeeeeeeezzzz. Do you have a cigretteeee? Where thfucks Casey, I know that fucknbitch has some fucken cig.a.rettes... Shit. No, come on. Just let's go, like I gotta talk to you. BLAKE!!!!!! GET ME FUCKENBEER!!!"

Here you think you're gonna score. Well, you're not. At least not until after it gets a whole lot worse.

"Kevdflyn, duuuude. So what the FUCKS up with you? Yeah? That's GREAT. You know... (here she gets a little crack in her voice) Nuthin. Never-well, okay, I just... I juss... doyouthing I'm pretty? (Tears well up in her eyes) Cuzz... shit... stupid, you fucking slud. (Here she may may hit herself lightly) I jush. I dunno. Its jush that CAY-CEY always haz all thishit going for her, yuhknow? She's sooooo pretty."

Fast forward five minutes.

"And thun he wus jussh like I'M SHLEEPING WITH YYOUR ROOMATE and I wus just like... (Sobbing) Jew know? CUsh I really just fucking, fucking, THAT MUTHERFUCKER!!! I was so fucking in love withat asshole and he just fucking (More sobbing) and its just like my fucking dad was riii-iii-iiight. I'm jsut a fucking paira fucking tits (She grabs her breasts angrily) fu-uuu-uuuuck. Lishen. LISHEN . Kuhvin.. Shid. I'm so redarded for talkingbout thish. Pleesh. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Shhhhhhhhhhh."

Now you can either swoop in valiantly and usher her to her room. If she barfs, personally I would bail, but you have a chance of her making it home intact. Besides, her roomate may be home and you know she's a whore. If you're just a little creeped out about the possible incest she just hinted at, check back inside. Maybe Casey is in better shape. And yeah. she is prettier.