Mike Heimowitz's Articles

'Tis the season to be jolly, unless, well, you're not into all the media-hyped holiday festivities that go on. 'Tis also the article where I promise that for the rest of the "Guides to Life" I ever write, I will never use the word "'tis" again. So, I might as well live it up, because 'tis article will only happen once, and I would like to continue to use the word as incorrectly as possible. While we're at it, I promise that I won't use the word "jolly" again in any more of my "Guides to Life" either1, so just bear with me for the rest of this one while I have my fun.

Anyways, since this is the last article I will be writing before winter break2, I thought it would be fitting to break down the holiday season for you. Even though it might seem to be pretty straightforward, it sure can be confusing.

I'll start with the big one, Christmas. As a Jew, and to be honest, a writer who doesn't do much outside research, I really don't know anything about this holiday. I believe that the holiday marks the birth of Jesus Christ. Apparently, JC came out of the womb a little plump, really red and fully bearded. And, 'tis the reason for Santa Claus. Well there is that reason, but there is also America's obesity problem and crappy job market, Christmas gives opportunity to fat, unemployed men everywhere to play Santa Claus3.

So anyways, back to the birth of JC. I think we all know that in the Bible and whanot, JC was quite different than anyone around him. Now I'm not saying he's different whether he is the Messiah or not, but rather a bigger difference. Of course, while the other children had normal dogs and cats, Jesus had nine reindeer. It was a lot to keep track of, but WWJD?, well, Jesus put Rudolph in charge to lead the way, taking some of the responsibility off of himself to take care of them.

While this was all taking place, someone had the genius idea to put a big ass tree inside JC's house, which also stuck in today's traditions4. Remember that since JC's mom Mary likely did this, people would sort of have to let her do what she wanted. I mean, she was already a little nuts by having a ton of reindeer, so it was obvious that nobody would get in her way and tell her she couldn't have a tree inside.

Moving on to the one I actually should know something about, which is Hannukah. Now, right off the bat we can have fun with this and spell it Hanukkah, Hannukkah, Channukah, Chanukah, or whatever other way you want to try. Just as long as when you say it you make the coughing-of-phlegm noise, while saying the beginning of the word, you'll be correct while saying it. Now, Hannukah is known as the "festival of lights5." Because of this, it often gets mixed up with Christmas because of all the lights on people's homes, but you should be learning the differences from this article6.

The basis to this holiday is that the Jews' temple was getting destroyed by the Syrians, and all they had was a little bit of oil or something. To make a long story short, the oil lasted eight nights instead of the one night it was supposed to. The Jews were able to fight back and win, and hooray, 'tis' holiday was formed. To commemorate the joyous occasion of beating the odds and overcoming a huge war, today Jews all over the world gamble using a little top known as a dreidel - pretty good way to remember the bloodshed and war if you ask me. Nevertheless, us Jews do it anyways, surely not wanting to boot any of our stereotypes by betting, watch out, 10s of 10s of pennies at a time. 'Tis sure is a fun time though!

Another popular trend today for Jews is to eat oily foods like latkes and doughnuts during the holiday to remember the oil that lasted the eight days. Seemingly, this is because, eh, we already have huge noses and thick hair, so could eating some of the worst foods possible really hurt our appearance that much? I think you get my drift that no, there is no help for us. But hey, at least us Jews are good at sports, right7?

Well anyways, 'tis does it for another "Guide to Life." This break, I hope your Christmas or Hannukah, or whatever you celebrate is a jolly one.

1

Unless of course I'm talking about a barbershop quartet, because there is no other way besides "jolly" to describe one.
2 Don't worry though, all my work is on www.mustangdaily.net for your reading over break.
3 And with the authority to grant children their present wishes while the kids are on the men's laps?
4 They also actually tried to take sheep crap and smear it all over the walls in their house, but that one surprisingly wasn't as popular a practice.
5 I thought there should actually be at least one real fact in this piece.
6 Annnnd welcome back to more ridiculous shit.
7 Oh wait, no.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Another "Guide to Life." Another "Guide to Life" who? Another "Guide to Life" for you.

That, my friends, is one of the worst jokes that one could probably ever come up with. The setup was horrible, the punchline was even worse, and the sanctity of all knock-knock jokes just received a, well, knock altogether. Fear not though my loyal reader, as in this "Guide to Life" I'll be showing you how to not only tell a good joke, but recover from a bad one, and just be funny in general.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Wait a minute, who is this Mike guy and what the hell does he know?" Well, first of all, I wouldn't waste my time writing all these each week, and since it is on "collegeHUMOR" it must be funny right1?

Second, my family has told me numerous times that I can be "quite the cut-up" at family gatherings2. With both those points said, are you really going to doubt both this website and my family3? Great, glad we have that taken care of and that you can now proceed with this newfound trust in me.

So, any good joke needs a good set up. This ranges from long stories that take awhile to get to the punch line, or just quick one liners. If you don't have the setup though, you don't have a joke. Here is an example of some topical humor -- "Did you hear about how Saddam Hussein is appealing his sentence to be hung?" So, I set it up with what seemingly is a serious question, even showing that I actually do know what is going on in the world. But then, all of a sudden, watch out, 'cause here comes the punch line - "Yeah, well Tommy Lee tried to give some advice to Saddam saying that, 'It's not so bad bro, that's what really made me famous4.'" And Whammy! A play on words so good that you'll leave your audience laughing uncontrollably on the floor5.

By the way, while on the topic, pretty much any joke having to do with Tommy Lee's, er, fireman, is funny. Immature? Maybe. But let's stay on the topic because I'm saying ANY joke about it is funny. Why did the chicken cross theroad? No, not to get to the other side, but because the chicken was really like any girl in the world and Tommy Lee was on the other side6. KABOOM! Oh man, instant classic right there.

OK, so moving on. When your joke or funny story bombs, you need some way to recover. You know how that goes. It happens daily in casual conversation, as well as on TV all the time.

Let's look at what John Kerry said a month or so ago. Kerry basically said that if young people don't do well in the American school system, they'll get stuck in Iraq. Whoops, not really the setup and huge punch line that probably would have been best. It isn't the biggest shocker in the world, that probably one of the most unfunny men imaginable, minus, oh I don't know, Hitler7 messed up a joke.

However, Kerry did try the joke, so I'll at least applaud him for that one. Now, to recover, there are different ways of doing this. The best way is to probably say something so dumb that you'll get everyone's attention off of what you just said. My roommate, Mike Horwitz8 for example, throw, "And then I found $20" to the end of every crappy joke he says9. Just get creative with that, and you can steer people quite a ways away from what you just said.

Really, there isn't much else to it. Start with your setup, throw in a Tommy Lee punch line as much as possible, and if that fails, just start either exaggerating or making something up if your joke still bombs.

Now, as a bonus, I'm going to give you the quick guide to comedy. This will move fast, but still, try to pay attention...

People falling? Funny. Abortion? Not funny. Pies in the face? Funny. Drinks spilled on girls' heads? Not funny. Boners? Funny. Farts? Funny. Poverty? Not funny. Squirrels? Funny. Skip-its? Funny. Kevin Federline's career? Funny. Allergies? Not funny10. Hilary Duff's career over because of cocaine? Funny. Diarrhea? Funny. Diarrhea when friends are over? Not funny. AIDS? Not funny. Mustaches? Funny. "The Lion King"? Funny, except for when Mufasa dies. That part sucks.

Telling jokes now with advice from this article? Funny.

1 Seriously, $100 will get you your own column and $25 per week to keep getting it published.
2 And they sure saw that, because like the turkey, I STUFFED the room with jokes last week on Thanksgiving!
3 Watch out 'cause now it is getting personal.
4 Sorry, was that too soon for all you Saddam fans?
5 Or actually whenever I say it, I get a, "Dude shut the hell up." Maybe you'll have better luck.
6 Pick your poison. Replace "chicken" with "Clay Aiken" or "Lance Bass" and you can still get an equally funny joke.
7 Except for his mustache. That always makes me laugh.
8 Yes, I Mike Heimowitz, live with Mike Horwitz. Laugh all you want. We get it all the time.
9 Which is a lot.
10 I used to have hay fever when I was young. Laugh it up, you jerks.

If you're anything like me, you spend countless hours on AOL Instant Messenger. I mean really, why would anybody want to have any kind of face to face interaction with anybody anymore when you can just type to people online instead1? Again, the problem is that with so many other things going on, you might be doing all of your instant messaging wrong. While it may seem impossible to mess something like this up, trust me, you can. Another "Guide to Life" means more learning for you, my loyal reader, as I'm going to teach you the do's and don'ts of instant messaging.

OK, so first of all, can we stop with all the damn acronyms? Really, all the LOLs and ROFLs and WTFs and TTYLs need to stop. All that crap is a bunch of BS2. If you really are too lazy to type those things out, you probably should stop using instant messaging all together and figure something else out. If you really need to use acronyms for everything though, at least make them worthwhile. They really could save some time if you need them too. I don't know, how about saying stuff like, "YASRILYMH." Obviously, that one means, "You Are So Right I Love You Mike Heimowitz3." That way, you are saving yourself tons of time by typing all that out, and still able to easily get your message across to whomever you are talking to. I mean ICNBAER?4

Moving on. Patience is a virtue, right? So you should probably try to learn a thing or two about it. If you're talking to someone and it takes, oh I don't know, more than a minute to respond, instead of freaking out on them, I think you should probably realize that they are doing something better than talking online. There probably isn't anything worse than someone complaining how you are ignoring them or forgot about them etc. Most likely they are GTTBOS5. Maybe they just GABTEAFTTY6. Or, in my case, it probably is TIATOTPTMM7.

Just a quick point to make - If you're in college and your screen name still has the number 69 anywhere in it, change it. PSEWAIEGA8.

How are we doing so far? Good? Good. Let's talk away messages. I know it might be really cool/emo to put song lyrics for everyone to read, but they should in no way be used to get back at someone you're mad at. So, if you're really pissed at someone, it doesn't mean you should let him and the whole world know it by putting the most depressing, hateful song imaginable for everyone to read. I think we should all be mature enough now to just tell those people we are mad, rather than posting stupid Creed lyrics or whatever other crappy band you listen too. Cheer people up, and put quotes from, oh I don't know "Mike's Guide to Life" in your away messages and profiles instead. TWWBSAHP9.

Well, we talked acronyms, patience, a bit about screen names and away messages. This brings me to the end of another "Guide to Life." As always, thanks for reading and I hope you learned something about the addicting and damn impersonal instant messaging. So, I'll leave you with this- GSOTIMSHTAFAKTYAUITRW10.

1 Just slight sarcasm.
2 How much did that hurt using an acceptable acronym to tell you to stop?
3 Something common you should really start saying.
4 It Can Not Be Any Easier, Right?
5 Going To The Bathroom Or Something.
6 Grabbed A Bite To Eat And Forgot To Tell You.
7 That I Am Talking On The Phone To My Mom.
8 Pretty Self Explanatory We Aren't In Eighth Grade Anymore.
9 The World Would Be Such A Happier Place.
10 Go Sign On To Instant Messenger, Say Hi To A Friend And Know That You Are Using It The Right Way.

It is a rush every single time. It can make you feel the highest you've ever felt and then give you a complete and total collapse. No, I'm not talking about my articles, or heroin1 , but the facebook phenomenon. Don't lie to me, or yourself. You know you are addicted, but it's OK, because you are not alone. Problem is though, while you might be spending hours upon hours on the site, you could possibly be doing it all wrong. This is what this week's "Guide to Life" is here for. I'm going to help you successfully procrastinate or whatever else you use facebook for.

First, let's talk pictures. Girls, if you haven't put your Halloween costume pictures up, please immediately do so after you finish reading this whole article. If you didn't know this about me, I have a huge love for, um, comparing the ways different cameras take pictures at nighttime2 . So, I guess for that matter, post the type of camera you use too so that I know which brands are best3 . OK, so really just put any pictures from Halloween or any other costume party you've attended4.

Next, let me say this: Facebook is ruining one of the obligations that friends should have for each other - to remember birthdays. There used to be a day when people wrote down each other's birthdays on calendars, or hey, even remembered them. Now though, everyone has a three-day warning of when their friends' birthdays are, which is enough time to get a gift and card5 . With that said, if you don't have your birthday listed in your profile, you may as well just forget your birthday, because everyone else in the world will too.

Learn anything yet? Hope so. Let's move on to this whole networking thing. Sure, it is great to know the people you are friends with on facebook, but make sure you use the "how you met someone" feature to tell something that we didn't already know. I'll give a few examples. The first is that I don't need facebook to keep track of things like how we are best friends or are roommates. Trust me, I know this every time I come home and see you watching TV6 .

Instead, mock the whole facebook feature as much as you can by making up as much crap as you can about the other person. For example, I'd much rather get something that says, "Would you like to confirm that (insert girl's name) has been in love with you since the first time she met you?" OK, wait my bad...that is one of those that I enjoy and didn't already know . Just have fun with it I guess.

One of the biggest problems that some people have with facebook is the semi-new "News Feed." I'm going to say this though - While it is called a "News Feed" this shouldn't literally be all the news you care about. If the only news that is important to you has to do with what group your friend joined or that someone added "Three's Company" to their list of TV shows, you probably should get out more. Instead, maybe you should get your news from, I don't know, the only news Web site worth going too: collegehumor.com8!

Moving on: guys, I haven't heard of one girl not getting creeped out by trying to get picked up and poked randomly on facebook. That means, I don't care how much you have in common with a girl, facebook isn't for matchmaking. I can probably safely assume that if I found a girl like myself whose favorite TV show is "Welcome Back Kotter," and lists MC Hammer under favorite music, I would probably be more scared than excited that there was a girl out there exactly like me. That's not to say that "Welcome Back Kotter" and MC Hammer should be overlooked as the greatest show and music in history, but those are whole other "Guides to Life" entirely9.

So, once again, this brings me to the end of another exhilarating "Guide to Life." Hope you've learned something valuable. If you really need to, go look me up on facebook to see the correct way to use it. I'm just trying to make the world a better place, with what is the most important thing to most 18-to-24-year-olds, one facebook profile at a time.

1

I swear I've never done heroin. OK Mom, Dad, sister?
2 I have a Canon camera. Prove your brand is better
3 Still a great cover up right?
4 Yeah, OK fine I admit it. I, like any other guy, likes seeing the costumes. There, I said it.
5 Or you can just pay 10 bucks for an autographed picture of myself. Great gift. What a deal!
6 Oh and Dan, dude, on the topic, can you put some clothes on? I'm tired of seeing you sitting there in your Spongebob boxers every time I come home from class.
7 And one day, it might happen?
8 Shameless plug to keep my stupid articles online.
9 "Mike's Guide to John Travolta" and "Mike's Guide to Bringing Back Parachute Pants"?

If there is one single thing that every Cal Poly student knows, it would obviously be the "Cal Poly Fight Song." OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. Let me start over. If there is one single thing that barely any Cal Poly student knows1, it would be the Cal Poly "Fight Song."

There is a good reason though that so few of us would know the words to our song. Basically, the words are ridiculous. While many know the line "Ride high you Mustangs" to start the song, the rest just sort of trails off2. This, of course, is where I come in for this week's column. While I have no idea what the song means, I'll make some highly educated guesses and you'll just have to either go with what I write or continue to be baffled on your own.

The first line, as I mentioned before, is "Ride high you Mustangs." Now, it would be extremely immature of me to make any sort of drug jokes here. If I said that this line implies that the person in our beloved mascot Musty at games should be high that would be wrong. If I said that our football coach Rich Ellerson took that advice in our loss to South Dakota and smoked so much between the third and fourth quarters that he forgot to tell the team to play defense, that would also be wrong. Get my point yet? I think I'm just going to leave this line alone for now, and move onto the next one...

"Kick the frost out, burn the breese" comes next. This line is completely arrogant of our team to have in the song. Obviously, San Luis Obispo is a warm weather town for the most part. Encouraging everyone to "kick the frost out" is purely there to boost morale. The only thing I worry about is that if there is frost, I as a Cal Poly student am not kicking it out. I want to make sure that I am serving my school, so hopefully the frost is being fully taken care of. As far as the "burn the breese" part goes, I'm going to go with the heavy research that I actually did for this piece3. So, Breese is a town in Illinois. Their community's slogan? "Famous for Friendliness." You gotta be kidding me. I'm not sure what Cal Poly's huge beef is with the city of Breese, Ill., and really, I don't think burning it would be right.

After further research, I found that our president, Warren Baker, went to Notre Dame4, which is in Indiana. Yes, the same Indiana that is right next to Illinois. There has to be some connection there. Regardless of this connection, we must back President Baker and get rid of friendliness when we're in sporting battles. So metaphorically, let's burn the shit out of Breese, and the rest of the competition.

Then, after another "Ride high you Mustangs," comes "The bow wows we'll knock to their knees." If you have been reading my articles each week, you would know of my knowledge of rap music5. Because of this, I know exactly what this part of the Fight Song means.  I’m going to assume now that everyone falls in love with the song “Jump” by Kriss Kross the firt time they hear it.  The backwards pants wearing kids were huge in the early 90’s, but then what happened?  Young rappers like Lil’ Romeo and Lil’ Bow Wow came into the music world.  The result?  The forgetting of true kid rap legends Kriss Kross.  This is something that isn’t just a personal problem to Cal Poly, but a national problem that will forever be remembered in our Fight Song.

After that line, we yell a semi tribal, "Hi Ki Yi," which might be the line that makes the most sense in the song.

Following that, is "Chin the moon and do it right." This one actually makes sense in my head, but might make too much sense considering the rest of the lyrics in this song. I see this as how us students should keep our heads up, reach for the sky, never give up and do any other related cliché that applies.

"Ride high and cut a rusty" follows. We already know what it means to "ride high" and the "cut a rusty" part is from the ghetto roots of our Musty, as it basically says to shank anyone and anything that is slightly different than us6.

And finally, together we yell, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" as we have all battled through the meaning of the Cal Poly "Fight Song."

1 When I say "barely," I am basically just giving credit to the Cal Poly Band and half the football team for knowing the song.
2 Sort of like how I can only remember parts of "My Humps" when I'm at a party and trying to sing the song.
3 I googled the word "breese," and the first thing that came up was www.breese.com. Look, an actual footnote in one of my pieces.
4 www.president.calpoly.edu/bio.asp. Another legit footnote. Holla! Oh, FYI, Baker also wishes he had more time to ski and golf
5 "Mike's Guide to How to be a Gangsta Rapper" Oct. 2006. BAM! Footnoting myself. Watch out.
6 In the same way that a rabbi can't stand a rabbit.

Batman has Robin. Woody has Buzz Lightyear. Johnny Carson had Ed McMahon. To each man, their counterpart was not just there to fight crime, fight for stuffed animal rights, or to yell ridiculously loud1 but they were there for one other reason: to be the wingman. It is one of those rules of meeting girls. You just have to bring that wingman along. Why you may ask? Well, it's simple. Most guys just will mess shit up too much on their own. With their partner there, there is that guy to fall back on and to give you support as you stumble through your first contact with the girl, and in reality stumble through most of the conversation. You know, as I think about it, wingmen aren't just good for parties, but also for everyday life.

Take Campus Crusade for Christ for example - an ultra religious group at Cal Poly, which I'm sure your school has too. I can't even count how many times2 I've been sitting in our school's main courtyard and have been approached by them. Do they ever come alone? No, they are smart enough themselves to bring along their wingman to give their "surveys3" and talk to you about who knows what4. So far in my "Guides to Life," I have given you necessary information in music and school, and now I'll give you a bit of advice to up your game5.

Before I get into the actual guide, I have a quick note for you girls. Just go alone. Guys really don't give a shit.

OK, back on track. First of all, make sure you pick someone who you can trust. I've seen it, and it's always quite a shame when a guy is eyeing a girl, brings his wingman along, and then BLAMO!6 The wingman is the one that ends up taking the girl himself, leaving his friend out to dry.7 My advice: Tell your buddy something nice and polite like, "You bastard. I swear if you steal her from me I'll never talk to you again and likely will go after your sister." That way, your friend might catch a slight hint that you are serious about getting this girl.

The next thing is to make sure you pick someone who isn't better looking than you. While it is possible that a wingman can be a jerk and steal your girl by trying his hardest, you definitely wouldn't want your buddy to steal her because the girl likes him better than you. Back to my first examples: Batman can take Robin and really not have too much trouble and Johnny Carson probably could beat out Ed McMahon with ease8. The dicey one? Sometimes chicks dig the edgy stupid guys and Woody might have some trouble in some cases with Buzz around. Why the "Toy Story" reference? Because I can. Please use these examples for what they are and not to judge me.9 Anyways, when you go with your buddy by your side to talk to that girl, you have to be the man, not him.

The third and last thing to remember is to pick a guy that will back you no matter how stupid you sound. This includes anything from laughing at your stupid jokes to just agreeing with every dumb thing you are saying. Pretty self explanatory.

Just let your buddy be the coolest guy for that night, let him talk to the girl, and later you can meet all the girl's friends. And Yahtzee! Everyone is happy.

So there you have it. The tips to make you, the college student better equipped with the knowledge to pick a wingman. So, good luck, and cut out and keep this column in your wallet if you must.

1 HEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY! Just yell that out loud to yourself so that you get     the joke.  Thanks.

2 Actually I can.  326.
 
3 Still waiting for the results from all the ones I’ve taken apart of.
 
4 No seriously, I’m Jewish.  I never really learned about your boy JC.  Because of this, I really   have no idea about anything about him.
 
5 Or to talk to others about your religion?

6 Sorry about the comic book sound effect.  Batman and Robin got me too excited.
 
7 No pun intended.  Now get your mind out of the gutter.
 
8 Unless McMahon had one of his huge checks for millions of dollars.  We all know how much girls love the money.
 
9 Cause I could have used how all seven dwarfs were each other’s wingmen to get Snow White.

 

While the release of "Jackass 2" is a hit among college students, there is a time and place where it might be appropriate to be like your onscreen "Jackass" favorites. The classroom, however, is not one of those places. In this guide to life, I will provide you with the various classifications of Jackasses so that you know what to look for in others and what to avoid doing yourself.

The first is the one that I strongly feel is the most important. That is, don't be The Question-Asking Jackass. Normally, these people sit in one of the outer rows in class and every time they open their mouths, everyone's attention in class is focused on them. They usually hold a coffee thermos. I'm not talking a cup from just a small college coffee shop1, but rather a huge canister holding the caffeine that keeps them firing questions throughout the class period. They usually use a simple formula for talking:

Say the phrase, "So would it be true that..." then take exactly what the professor just said and rearrange it in your own words.

Professors usually enjoy this and give reply, "That is exactly right," leaving a huge smile on the student's face. This might be great for the brown-noser, but it leaves the rest of the class bored out of their minds and wanting to get the hell out of class.

At this point, you might be thinking, "Damn, this Mike guy is just venting right now." Could be true, but you know what I'm saying is right. If you don't agree, then you're likely the one being the Question-Asking Jackass, and you might need to re-read the last few paragraphs so you know what you're doing every day.

The second kind of Jackass, while sometimes entertaining, is often just obnoxious. This is The Annoying Ringtone Jackass. Guys, read closely for a second. I know that Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" might have been a popular song, but in no way should you express this. If you are likely to forget to turn your phone to vibrate, you probably shouldn't have Kelly Clarkson as your ringtone in the first place2.

Oh, and girls, Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" is just plain annoying. Once you are done reading this article, please change it. Again, we are all in this together3.

This brings me to my next thing to avoid: being The Crush Swooping Jackass. So, since the first day of class you've been sitting next to that hot girl (or guy). As the days have gone on, conversation has been getting better, and hey, you are even friends on Facebook4. But, one day you come in a few minutes late and what do you see? The Crush Swooping Jackass sitting next to your girl (or guy). He knows what he's doing. There isn't much more to say about this than wait until next quarter and don't screw your fellow male compadres5.

There are many more Jackasses that my column's word count limit just won't allow me to include. I'll try to name them off here in the most self explanatory names I can give you. Don't be The Guy Who Wears Tons of Cologne Just to Class Jackass, The Jackass Who Never Remembers to Bring Pencils, Paper, etc., The Girl Who Needs a Belt or Tighter Jeans So That Her Ass Doesn't Hang Out Jackass, and finally The Jackass Who Seemingly Has an Endless Supply of Chips and Keeps Eating Them for the Full Two Hours.

Once again, it's been real. I just hope now that you take the preventive measures to avoid Jackass-ness from now on.

1 Speaking of my college coffee shop, is there anyway they can just say my name instead of “Mocha Latte for Mike.”  I know and everyone knows that Mocha Lattes are girly, so come on, not everyone in my school needs to know I ordered one.

2  My ringtone?  Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin.;” Makes me feel like a badass every time it rings. Even if it’s just once a day.  From my mom.
 
3 Did I mention I was single? 
 
4 Shit yeah!
 
5 Dude in my English Class.  Yeah, I’m talking to you.  Like seriously she was mine first. Now back the hell off.

Normally, I would never want to censor myself. I mean who really would? However, it is necessary for me to do so every time I go home to the Bay Area. This censoring isn't just because I swear constantly, but rather the music that is usually playing in my car.

Generally, I listen to lots and lots of rap1. Yeah, I'm one of those white guys who loves the hip hoppy, but unfortunately my mom doesn't share this same love. This should never be problematic in San Luis Obispo unless I'm driving by one of the millions of churches in town.

But as a Jew, I really don't have to worry about being too close to these places with my music blasting too loud. But the problem at home is that every now and then my mom will be in the car2, hear some stuff about "bitches and hoes" and be totally appalled.

"What is this stuff you're listening to?" she'll ask. "This is the kind of stuff my students listen too. And what does this stuff mean anyways? Today my students were talking about grills or something." The conversation would go on, I'd explain what "grills" are3, how "pimp" isn't always taken literally, and after teaching her what "ghost ride the whip" means4, I promised her I would never actually do that. So, as I tried teaching her about rap, I generated my first "guide to life" which I will now share with you.

First step is to come up with your own niche5 and get a catchy name. All rappers have their own thing going for them. Some are more gangsta then others, but you have to come up with something good. Ghostface Killah? Intense. Blackalicious? Clever. Chamillionaire? Genius. Because really, who doesn't like chameleons or millions of dollars? Yeah, nobody.

As I said before, I'm a Jew, so that will be my game. I'll use myself for each step so that I can give you examples. I'll go with MC Meshuganuts. For all you non-Yiddish speakers, which is probably 95 percent of you who pick up the Mustang Daily, the word "meshuganah" means crazy. Notice I added the "nuts" to the end to make you know how freakin' crazy I really am. Scared? Don't be. It is merely an example. I'm here to help remember? And that brings me to my next step...

Come up with a good, catchy lyric that explains a way a girl can shake her ass. Outkast made millions from telling girls to "shake it like a Polaroid picture." D4L made millions by telling girls to "shake that laffy taffy." The Ying Yang Twins made millions from telling girls to "shake it like a salt shaker." Starting to see what I'm getting at?

I'll go with something like "shake it like a nervous kid at his bar mitzvah."6 Catchy? Not so much. Descriptive? Hell yeah. Score one for team Meshuganuts cause lyrics like that will get any girl moving.

The next step is simple: Throw away your Jack Johnson CDs. I know it might be hard to part with them since you are a trendy college student, but you will get absolutely no street cred with Jack in your CD collection.

Step four is to make sure that your appearance has some kind of noticeable and memorable thing to it. Whether it is long chains, grills, stunna shades, or even vans that look like sneakers, this is an important one.

Why would the bitches and hoes go for someone who doesn't have the threads? Historically, this has been something that can make or break careers. Remember Criss Cross' backward pants and MC Hammer's parachute pants? I'll stick with a platinum yarmulke, worn on the side of my head rather than on top, and I'm set. I'm sure you can think of something too because I believe in you. We are in this thing together.

And finally, of course, it's all about the Benjamins. Yep, the cold hard cash. Once you follow these steps, the cash will be flowin'. I'm talkin' dolla dolla bill ya'll. I'll leave you with a few lyrics to illustrate:

Meshuganuts has the money but stereotypically won't spend it,

If you're his friend you'd be lucky if he'd lend it.

Instead he'll make money with it sitting in his bank account,

Cause that's how he rolls. Meshuganuts out.

When Rupert Holmes’ “Pina Colada” isn’t on repeat.Just can’t get that shit out of my head.

Come on, are you really telling me I can’t still bring mom with me to get my haircut?

Gold, Silver, whatever, molded to your teeth to give it some bling

Putting the car on, putting it in neutral, getting outside the car, and dancing on or around it with music blaring.

I know the word “niche” shouldn’t be in a guide for gangsta rap…but oh well.

Or maybe “Shake it like a nervous kid at his Bar Mitzvah who’s voice is cracking the whole time, is chubby as hell, almost always is blushing, and can’t talk to girls to save his life.” Sorry, that was a little too personal.

1 When Rupert Holmes’ “Pina Colada” isn’t on repeat.  Just can’t get that shit out of my head.
2 Come on, are you really telling me I can’t still bring mom with me to get my haircut?
3 Gold, Silver, whatever, molded to your teeth to give it some bling
4 Putting the car on, putting it in neutral, getting outside the car, and dancing on or around it with music blaring.
5 I know the word “niche” shouldn’t be in a guide for gangsta rap…but oh well.
6 Or maybe “Shake it like a nervous kid at his Bar Mitzvah who’s voice is cracking the whole time, is chubby as hell, almost always is blushing, and can’t talk to girls to save his life.” Sorry, that was a little too personal.