Mike Heimowitz's Articles

Alright I want to get straight to this topic with, well, the most literal meaning of "potty humor" that I can. I'm not really talking pee pee and poo poo "potty humor," as fun as that is to write, but rather something that is much more highbrow...male bathroom etiquette. While it seems like it might be a straightforward type of thing, guys seem to still, for lack of better words, act crappy in the bathroom.

Before we get any further, ladies, I'm sorry, but I really don't know much about your restrooms. You see, it is not quite socially acceptable for me to go in one of your restrooms, so any sort of research would be close to impossible . I'll continue to assume though, like most guys, that your bathrooms are full of things like rose gardens, classy music and beautiful fountains. I mean, why else would you girls go together to wait in such long lines to get in there, and then, once in, want to stay for so long? For now though, the mystery of the women's restroom will be as obscure, as I don't know, who really did let the dogs out ?

OK, so back to us dudes. The first rule I think is pretty straight forward. That of course, is to go to the farthest urinal from the door. The restroom is for everyone to share my fellow men, and going straight for the first urinal right by the door is not the most inviting to anyone else coming in. I suppose if it is an emergency and the first urinal you can get to is the first one you must use, then so be it, but otherwise, slide to the last one in the row.

Speaking of this whole friendship/being inviting thing in bathrooms, really, there is no reason to make any eye contact or conversation with anyone in there that you don't know. Basically, just go in, do your business, and get the hell out. There are a few exceptions to this rule though. The first is that it is OK to do a head nod if eye contact is absolutely unavoidable. This is the nod from up to down though, and not from down to up. Big difference. If you don't know what I mean, read those motions through and do it yourself for practice. Ah yes, getting interactive with this week's "Guide to Life."

The second exception to the rule is that the only conversation you can have can be about two things: One is the weather, and the second thing to talk about is how close the current day is to the weekend, and how you can't wait for it to come. For example, you can say, "Man, sure is cold outside" or "Thank God it's Thursday. This has been the longest week." That is it. Nothing more, and saying less is actually still encouraged.

The third rule is that you must get out of there as quickly as possible. Once you're done, there is no reason to really stay in there. Look at yourself in the mirror, make sure your hair looks OK, give a little gun and trigger salute if nobody is watching , and leave. Pretty much, you don't have to stay in there to completely dry off your hands after washing them, because whatever you are wearing is perfectly absorbent enough for that .

There is nothing worse than trying to pee while you feel like you're being watched by other guys in there.

On the subject of bathrooms and urinals, I do have one more request. I'm not sure if anyone is reading this that has any power over this, but can we get urinal dividers in every bathroom? Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a privacy thing at all because of, um, size or anything, but really, can a man just pee without having to look over his shoulder every few seconds?

Well, this takes me to the end of another "Guide to Life." I hope you learned something as I took you into a world that really is familiar, yet has the distinct rules that must be lived by to avoid any sort of well, poopy, interactions with others.

1 See, using the word "etiquette" already makes me sound so much more mature.
2 And apparently it is "immoral," "disgusting," "unethical," "irresponsible," and "illegal" to put cameras in girls' restrooms. Who would have thought?
3 The only fountains I ever see are when I try to pee as far from the toilet as I can.
4 Seriously, who, who who?
5 Winking at yourself, pointing at yourself, and flexing are also acceptable, unless someone spots you doing it.
6 And hey, to be honest, nobody really washes their hands after peeing anyways, so don't do it just for show.
7 OK, Oprah mud wrestling Rosie O' Donnell would be worse, but that most likely never will happen in a male bathroom.
8 =====> Sorry, I just wanted to put that picture somewhere in this article. And no, that is not the actual size.

Well, everyone has their way to do it. Some are quicker than others, so in the end really, only one person prevails. Of course, I'm talking about the shotgun. Now, hold on college boy and college girl, because I'm not talking about shotgunning a beer, but rather the ever so important "shotgun" yell to get the rights to the front passenger seat in the car. The rules of shotgun are always debated though, as everyone grew up with their own rules on how this process of car seating arrangements must take place. So, as I do every week, I am going to guide your life in the right direction with proper shotgun rules.

Before we get into the rules, let's first get some sort of history about this rule. As you, my loyal reader know, my research is extensive1 for these articles. Basically, I Wikipediad2 the word "shotgun." In the article, it said that, "Shotguns are normally used to hunt whitetail deer in the thick brush and briars of the South-Eastern and upper Midwestern United States, where, due to the dense cover, ranges tend to be very close - 25 meters or less."

This, of course, has nothing to do with the car shotgun rules, but I felt that since you go to my guides to life each week for education, putting in that useful tidbit of knowledge will only help your understanding of the world. Well, since Wikipedia didn't directly have the answer of the history of the game, I'll use my extensive3 knowledge to tell you what it means. Pretty much, the shotgun is used to shoot animals. Humans are types of animals. And finally, humans have an obsession to sit in the front of cars if they aren't driving. Voila! We have the name and meaning of the game.

OK, enough with the history, I mean come on, I think it is safe to say that you don't want to be boggled down by such thorough and academic information like what I gave you in the last paragraph.

The first rule is that every person who will be going in the car must be in attendance. This actually saves that one friend who always takes forever to get ready. Why the protection? Well, there is an extremely humane reason. The people who take the longest to get ready most likely have some self-esteem issues and need as much time as possible to make themselves look as good as possible. Now, if they didn't have the protection of this rule and were forced to sit in the back of the car every time, this would crush their already depressing life that much more, continuing the spiral of failures in their life. Harsh? Maybe, but sometimes the truth hurts.

The second rule is that the car must be in eyesight. This one is more of a time frame rule than anything else. With this rule, that one jerk of a friend who likes to always call shotgun the instant the group is ready to go can't do this anymore. With this rule, of course tall people have the advantage over, well, midgets. This is fine though as midgets have good things going for them, such as being able to buy children's clothes, which are much cheaper than normal people's clothes4.

Now at this point, you might have already lost position in the car. Fear not though, as you still have a chance to sit shotgun as the passengers in the car have the right to one challenge for the rights to sitting up front. To execute the challenge, there is an easy, yet extremely mind bending and mind boggling game that is played. That game is "Princess, Hunter, Bear." Sound intimidating? Well, it is, but this whole shotgun thing is a serious issue.

Here's how it works. The two competitors face opposite directions and secretly choose either princess (makes a kissing face and then curtsy), hunter (put your arms out like you are shooting a gun) and bear (put your arms above your head like a bear would). On the count of three, the two players turn and act out what they choose. Princess beats hunter. Hunter beats bear. Bear beats princess. Best two out of three gets the right to the front seat.

As for the rest of the car, or the "losers" as I'll call them, the only hope left, without challenge, is the backseat positioning. After "shotgun" is called and the possible challenge was executed, "right nut" and "left nut" can then be called for the last two good seats in the car, leaving that one sorry, sorry friend riding "bitch" in the middle.

1. Typo. By "extensive," I mean "little to no."
2. If you can "Google" something you should be able to "Wikipedia" something as well.
3. Read note No. 1.
4. Wow, was that politically incorrect? Sorry. I'll use the term "little people" instead of "midget."