Andrew R. Juhl's Articles

• Night of the Living Dummy
• It Came From the Internet
• The Dare
• Vampire Breath
• Attack of the Mutant
• Escape from the Carnival of Horrors
• Slappy's Nightmare
• The Beast from the East
• How I Got My Shrunken Head
• Monster Dog
• Night of a Thousand Claws
• The Werewolf in the Living Room
• The Sleepwalker
• Return to the Carnival of Horrors
• My Hairiest Adventure
• Secret Agent Grandma
• A Shocker on Shock Street
• Toy Terror: Batteries Included
• The Funhouse of Dr. Freek
• The Stepsister

• Mick Jagger can't get no satisfaction.
• Mick Jagger knows it's only rock 'n roll, but he likes it.
• I can't always get what I want.
• Mick Jagger also goes by the moniker "Jumpin' Jack Flash" (presumably because it's a gas).
• Time is on Mick Jagger's side.
• If I start Mick Jagger up, he'll never stop.
• Mick Jagger would like me to get off of his cloud.
• I can't always get what I want.
• Mick Jagger will never be my beast of burden.
• Still, Mick Jagger is going to miss Ruby Tuesday.
• There's just no place for a street fighting man.
• Mick Jagger would like to spend the night together.
• I can't always get what I want.
• Mick Jagger sees a red door and he wants it painted black.
• Wild, wild horses couldn't drag Mick Jagger away.
• Mick Jagger would like shelter.
• Mick Jagger is free to do what he wants, any old time.
• If I try sometimes, well I just might find I get what I need.

• Went to two weddings that I wholly supported, three weddings that I fully did not, and five receptions that I completely don't remember.
  
  
• Dragged Girlfriend with me to see Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Knight, and Hellboy 2.
  
  
• Got dragged along by Girlfriend to see Mamma Mia! (Girlfriend and I are officially even.)
  
  
• Perfected my signature dish for entertaining: Nachos ìa Juhl, which I predict will be the next great culinary fad to sweep our nation. (Ingredients: 1 bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, an economy sized jar of Mott's Applesauce, and an unflappable lack of shame.)
  
  
• Finally finished my first novel! I want to tackle Where the Red Fern Grows next.
  
  
• Water skied for a period of approximately 0.7 seconds.
  
  
• Jogged five or more miles every time that I went to the gym.
  
  
• Never once went to the gym.
  
  
• Heard Kate Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" about seven times more than should be allowable under the rules and accords of the Geneva Conventions.
  
  
• Left my heart in San Francisco, my patent leather shoes in Minneapolis, and my dignity at one of those aforementioned wedding receptions.
  
  
• Wrote this list.

1297: The Battle of Stirling Bridge sees the army of Andrew de Moray and William Wallace defeat English infantry and cavalry forces nearly four times their size. How the English were able to grow men and horses that large remains a mystery to this day.

1609: Henry Hudson, while first exploring the river which would later bear his name, disembarks on Manhattan Island (presumably because New Jersey had a distinct smell to it even back then).

Behind these eyes is a moral degenerate. A very, very, very hungry moral degenerate.

1857: Mormon militiamen and Paiute Indians assault an emigrating Arkansan wagon train traveling along the Old Spanish Road, ultimately slaughtering approximately 120 unarmed men, women, and children in the process. Upon notice of the event, Brigham Young was heard to have said "you did WHAT to the women?!"

1921: Rotund silent film legend Roscoe 'Fatty' Arbuckle is arrested for the rape of 26-year-old Hollywood starlet Virginia Rappe, ruining Arbuckle's later career and the mind's eye of countless moviegoing Americans.

1970: The Ford Pinto is introduced. The car sells well in the economy car market for nearly a decade until well-designed imports like the Honda Civic and Toyota Corolla rear-ended its sales... causing it to explode.

1992: Hurricane Iniki devastates Hawaii, predominantly the islands of Kauai and Oahu (and to a lesser extent the islands of Niihau, Maui, Molokai, Lanai, and Kahoolawe), pissing off Boston newscasters, who can't pronounce even one of those names correctly.