1. Slaying Private Ryan
2. The Money Pit and the Money Pendulum
3. Kill Me If You Can
4. The Gangrene Mile
5. Breathless in Seattle
6. A Plague of Their Own
7. Demons & Demons
8. Murder on the Polar Express
9. You've Got Death Threats
10. That Thing You Do With Your Machete!
11. Apollo 666
12. Forrest Gump: Confessions of a Hillbilly Psycho
13. Joe Versus Freddy Versus Jason Versus the Volcano
14. Altar Boy-Toy Story
15. Altar Boy-Toy Story 2: Incensed Acolyte
16. Murder & Hooch
17. Nightmare in the `burbs
18. The Texas Bachelor Party Massacre
19. The Aging
20. Killadelphia

• The Berenstain Bears Rock the Kasbah
• The Berenstain Bears Visit Camp Crystal Lake
• The Berenstain Bears Become Moonies
• The Berenstain Bears and the Mystery of Al Capone's Vault
• The Berenstain Bears Stop Living in a Tree Like Bat-Ass Crazy Hicks
• The Berenstain Bears Learn about Neofeudalism and the Emerging American Aristocracy
• The Berenstain Bears Maul a Camper and Need to be Put Down
• The Berenstain Bears Beyond Thunderdome
• The Berenstain Bears Deny the Holocaust
• The Berenstain Bears Meet The Care Bears... And Eat Them
• The Berenstain Bears Tell Professor Actual Factual Bear Where to Stick It
• The Berenstain Bears Explore the Interpretation that "Benjamin" is a Modern Representation of Christ in William Faulkner's The Sound and The Fury
• The Berenstain Bears Eat Too Much Cheese and Pay For It
• The Berenstain Bears Pay Too Much for Cheese and Eat It
• The Berenstain Bears Meet the Cub Protective Services Lady
• The Berenstain Bears Meet The Large, Scary Monster That Lives Under Your Bed
• The Berenstain Bears Shit in the Woods

Background: The "Century Club" is the club a person automatically joins upon successfully accomplishing the feat of drinking 100 shots of beer over the course of 100 minutes.  There are no official rules, but it is generally accepted that applicants must take one shot each minute and that disqualification occurs when an applicant vomits, passes out, or switches majors to art history.  Membership in the Century Club carries with it no dues (other than a partially destroyed liver) or privileges (other than utter awesome kickassitude).

Evidenced below is the personal log that I kept during my attempt to join the Century Club's elite ranks. 

~*~*~*~*~

Shot 1: It appears as though a standard shot glass holds 1.5 ounces of liquid.  Given that volume and my predetermined rate of consumption-and accounting for my weight and sex-my pre-calculated BAC after I am finished will be .226.  While this is inebriated-enough to cause stupor and significant motor impairment, it probably won't cause loss of consciousness or a blackout, and it certainly isn't in the lethal realm.  Knowing all of this going in, I can now relax and not worry about this experiment being dangerous or irresponsible.  So there.

No, not this clown's "Century Club."

Shot 3: And when in the hell did I acquire this many shot glasses?

Shot 4: As a precaution, I should probably turn off my phone now.

Shot 5: And throw it against the pavement.

Shot 6: And stomp on it a few times.  Yep.  There we go.  I feel safer now.

Shot 7: Ohhhh, but what if I need to call an ambulance?  Eh, that probably won't happen unless I get really drunk like I always do when I drink beer.

Shot 8: Not feeling much of anything yet, other than a serious regret over choosing Miller Lite for this experiment.

Shot 9: I have begun turning over the spent glasses and building a pyramid like Marion Ravenwood does in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  Oh yeah, that's right: I'm cool.

Shot 10: I'm sucking in a lot of air with these shots of already-carbonated beer, I wonder if this will produce any side effects?

Shot 11: Buuuuuuuuuuurp.

Shot 12: The equivalent of 1.5 quick bottles of beer into this experiment, and already I'm starting to feel a little bit tipsy.  Or, as my dad would call it, "that ready to go to work feeling."

Shot 13: I wonder... if we dug a big trench to re-route the Rio Grande southward, then could we legally annex a big chunk of Mexico?

Shot 14: I'm hungry all of a sudden.  I could really go for some eggs right now.

Shot 15: I wonder... why don't eggs taste like chicken?

Shot 16: I guess it's probably for the same reason that milk and cheese don't taste like beef.

Shot 17: I wonder... why don't milk and cheese taste like beef?

Shot 18: I wonder... could you make cheese out of breastmilk?

Shot 19: If you could make cheese out of breastmilk, that'd be tits.

Shot 20: I shouldn't be allowed to have this much time alone with my thoughts.

Shot 21: Maybe I should've brought some porn along for all the downtime.

Shot 22: I wonder... if Satan ever had to renovate Hell because it got too crowded, he could probably open-up a ton of space by making the circles non-concentric.

Shot 23: Yep, definitely should've brought some porn along for all this downtime.

Shot 24: Nothing gross, though-just some normal, everyday girl-on-guy-on-girl-with-a-midget-introduced-into-the-scene-at-some-point pornography would be nice.

Shot 25: ...Though I'd hate for the paramedics to find me dead of alcohol poisoning with porn freeze-framed on the television.

Shot 26: I don't want to die like that, and I also don't want to die before visiting New Zealand.

Shot 27: And I don't want to die before visiting Japan!

Shot 28: And I don't want to die before visiting the hospital!!

Shot 29: Man, all this thinking about death is harshing my buzz; it's reminding me of Uncle Ralph's passing.

Shot 30: Yeah, Ralph's death was really difficult-especially making it look like an accident.

Shot 31: Wow, I should NOT be allowed this much time alone with my thoughts.

Shot 32: After the equivalent of 4 bottles in 32 minutes, I officially feel drunk for the first time in this experiment.

Shot 33: And... yep... now I'm horny.

Shot 34: And... yep... now I miss my ex.

Shot 35: Maybe I should bootytext her.

Shot 36: Ohhhh, but I intentionally destroyed my phone earlier.

Shot 37: I miss my ex.

Shot 38: I really miss my ex.

Shot 39: Thank god I intentionally destroyed my phone earlier.

Shot 40: I really miss my ex.

Shot 41: I really, really miss my ex.

Shot 42: I can't believe how quickly beer turns me into a chump who pathetically crawls back to his exes.

Shot 43: I HATE YOU, BEER!

Shot 44: Aww, beer, I'm sorry; I can't stay mad at you.

Shot 45: BUT I CAN GET MADE AT YOU AGAIN!

Shot 46: Aww, beer, I'm sorry; I can't stay mad at you.

Shot 47: Hmmm, you know: I might be a little bipolar.

Shot 48: If only I were gay, then maybe I wouldn't miss my ex so much.

Shot 49: Maybe I should try it. 

Shot 50: I'd need a boyfriend, though.  Somebody cute.

Shot 51: Hey! Brett's cute; maybe he'd be gay with me!

Shot 52: Brett and I would make such an awesome couple.

Shot 53: Boy, I hope Brett will consider being gay with me.  We'd have the cutest gay babies ever!

Shot 54: I should bootytext my Brett.

Shot 55: Ohhhh, but I intentionally destroyed my phone earlier.

Shot 56: Also, I'm not actually gay.

Shot 57: Though, truthfully, if Brett ever came on to me...

Shot 58: Thank god I intentionally destroyed my phone earlier.

Shot 59: Man, I sure do miss my ex.

Shot 60: I really need to pee.

Shot 61: I really really need to pee. Thankfully, I came prepared for just such and occasion; I brought my penis.

Shot 62: Just took my first piss break, but I needed to take shot 62 while peeing.  Needing to take a shot of alcohol as I'm peeing might mean I've finally crossed that threshold between a normal drunk and either (a) a really pathetic drunk or (b) a really awesome drunk.

Shot 63: Okay, so actually (a)... but I liked the semantic ambiguity of that last sentence.

Shot 64: Wow. I was pretty optimistic when I first started this experiment, but my recent train of thought is depressing me something fierce.

Shot 65: Maybe my teachers, grandparents, priest, and therapist were right; maybe I am a pathetic loser.  Sure I say I'm doing this little experiment in order to generate material, but-in all truth-maybe I'm simply an irredeemable alcoholic.

Shot 66: Like my parents were.

Shot 67: Before they both died of cirrhosis, that is.

Shot 68: *sob* Maybe I should just cease all my irresponsible drinking now and grow the hell up. *sob* This experience is making me unfathomably sad; I'm not sure if I'll ever laugh again. *sob* *bawl* *sob*

Shot 69: Heh heheh-heheh he-hee. "69."

Shot 70: Haha ha-HA-hah HA-HA-HA!

Shot 71: Guffaw, hahaha, har-har! "69."

Shot 72: Heheh-heheh.

Shot 73: Well that was nice, but now I'm sad again.

Shot 74: Good lord, I'm starting to sound like a Nickelback song.

Shot 75: That's odd, now I kind of want to listen to a Nickelback song.  Ewwww.

Shot 76: Thank goodness my parents didn't live long enough to see what I've become: a fan of crappy Canadian faux-rock.

Shot 77: And again, I'm contemplating ending this little experiment.  Liver problems and soul-crushing sadness I can deal with; Nickelback on my iPod I cannot.

Shot 78: I miss my ex. *sob*

Shot 79: I fear that things are about to stop being polite... and start getting real.

Shot 80: Hey, is that a unicorn in the stove?  It is!!

Shot 81: I have begun having a discussion with the stove about the unicorn inside of it.

Shot 82: The stove is disavowing any knowledge of the unicorn.  The discussion is becoming heated.

Shot 83: I told the stove my "heated discussion" pun.  God, I am hilarious.

Shot 84: The stove is refusing to acknowledge my hilariousness.  The stove is obviously a moron.

Shot 85: I have begun a frank and earnest argument with the stove about when a moron it is.  I am proving my points with articulate and infallible logic, and so far I have only had to resort to kicking the stove twice.

Shot 86: The stove won the argument.

Shot 87: The stove is being rather smug about it.

Shot 88: It occurs to me that it's probably a good thing I'm writing all of this down, as I really have little hope of remembering any of it tomorrow.

Shot 89: I have begun to wet myself.

Shot 90: DON'T LAUGH AT ME, STOVE!!

Shot 91: I have finished wetting myself.

Shot 92: My vision suddenly went completely sepia-toned.  I'm not sure if this is something I should worry about.  In truth, everything looks more important now.  Wow... man.  Wow.

Shot 93: I have now begun to wet various other things around the apartment.

Shot 94: I CAN PEE WHEREVER I WANT, STOVE!  IT'S MY APARTMENT!  WHEN YOU START PAYING RENT HERE-OR AT LEAST STOP BURNING MY FROZEN PIZZAS-YOU CAN HAVE A SAY ABOUT WHERE AND WHEN I RELIEVE MYSELF, YOU JUDGMENTAL, SELF-CLEANING WHORE OF AN APPLIANCE!  *sob* *bawl* *sob*

Shot 95: I have apologized to stove for calling it a whore and for peeing on and in it.

Shot 96: I am losing control of my faculties and fearing unconsciousness.  This is bad.  It is very bad.  I shall attempt to will myself back to sobriety with a last-ditch mental effort.

Shot 97: Incredibly enough, I think it's actually working. Dubiously, I do seem to be sobering up a bit.

Shot 98: I AM A GOLDEN GOD!

Shot 99: I... I can makekit... Just... just one... mooorrrrrrr......

Shot 100: N/A.

1. Sneak into the victim's car and adjust everything: radio at full volume, wipers on high, air conditioning on max setting, seats pushed all the way forward, parked at the bottom of the a lake, etc.
2. Make a batch of caramel apples and pass them around to a group of people, your victim included.  Only, make sure your victim gets the one that's actually an onion and laced with PCP.  Then, tell your boss you think your victim is on drugs and should be urine-tested.
3. When your victim is in the shower, sneak in and grab their clothes, all the towels, and the bathmat.  When they emerge from the shower with nothing to dry them off, take naked pictures of them and post them on the internet.
4. Point at your victim's chest, acting like they have a spot on their shirt. When they look down, sleep with their significant other.
5. Put black paint around the edges of the eyepieces on a set of binoculars. Point out an object of interest to the victim, then hand the victim a note explaining where to leave the ransom money if they ever want to see their parents again.
6. Steal your victim's water or drink bottle when they are not looking. Glue the lid so it can't be opened. Then hand them a mathematical disproof of the existence of God.
7. Serve your victim a piece of cake.  After they've eaten some of it, mention that they now have about twelve hours to find the antidote before they will die.  The prank being: there is no antidote.
8. Remember that Drew Carey Show episode where Mimi drugged Drew and then air-freighted him to China without a passport?  Chloroform your victim, tie them up, and make them watch that episode on a loop for a week.
9. Put some salt on the victim's toothbrush, and then stab them in the leg with it.  It's funny, because the salt will sting in the freshly-opened wound.
10. While the victim is asleep, reset all their clocks ahead two hours. Then, just before the real time they normally wake up, burst into their bedroom and tell them they're late and that there is no such thing as true love.
11. Tape a dollar bill to the end of the fishing line on a fishing pole. Then hide behind a bush and wait for your victim to come along.  As soon as they reach for the money, pull out a gun and shoot them in the face.
12. Offer to make a sandwich for the victim.  Then don't.  Wow... now you're a dick.

NOTE: These jokes are based off of pranks suggested at the website www.aprilfoolzone.com.  There's a decent number of good ideas for safe and fun pranks to play on your friends there.

• We Don't Like the New Facebook Layout
• The New Facebook Layout Sucks
  
• We HATE the New Facebook Layout
• 1,000,000 Against the New Facebook Layout
• The New Facebook Layout is the Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened to Facebook
  
• 2,000,000 Against the New Facebook Layout
• The New Facebook Layout is the Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened PERIOD
  
• 5,000,000 Against the New Facebook Layout
• The New Facebook Layout Impregnated My Sister with Its Demon Seed
  
• I WILL CONTINUE TO BITCH ABOUT A FREE SERVICE THAT I COULD QUIT USING WHENEVER I WANT BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO COMPLIAN ABOUT FACEBOOK THAN IT IS TO JUST SIMPLY TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND CONFRONT THE PROBLEMS THAT PROMPTED ME TO ESCAPE INTO FACEBOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE
• Gossip Girl Lovers

• The Butterfly
• The Concealed Door
• Blows of the Planting Pin
• The Closed and Open Ring
• The Tigress
• The Splitting of a Bamboo
• The Mirror of Pleasing
• Penetrating the Eye
• The Wheelbarrow
• The Medusa Variant
• The Gazelle and the Stallion
• The Wife of India
• The Mare's Position
• The Transverse Lute
• The Snake Trap
• The Suspended Congress
• The Elephant Posture
• Kama's Wheel
• The Milk and Water Embrace
• Raised Missionary

• Night of the Living Dummy
• It Came From the Internet
• The Dare
• Vampire Breath
• Attack of the Mutant
• Escape from the Carnival of Horrors
• Slappy's Nightmare
• The Beast from the East
• How I Got My Shrunken Head
• Monster Dog
• Night of a Thousand Claws
• The Werewolf in the Living Room
• The Sleepwalker
• Return to the Carnival of Horrors
• My Hairiest Adventure
• Secret Agent Grandma
• A Shocker on Shock Street
• Toy Terror: Batteries Included
• The Funhouse of Dr. Freek
• The Stepsister

1609: Henry Hudson, while first exploring the river which would later bear his name, disembarks on Manhattan Island (presumably because New Jersey had a distinct smell to it even back then).

Behind these eyes is a moral degenerate. A very, very, very hungry moral degenerate.

1857: Mormon militiamen and Paiute Indians assault an emigrating Arkansan wagon train traveling along the Old Spanish Road, ultimately slaughtering approximately 120 unarmed men, women, and children in the process. Upon notice of the event, Brigham Young was heard to have said "you did WHAT to the women?!"

1921: Rotund silent film legend Roscoe 'Fatty' Arbuckle is arrested for the rape of 26-year-old Hollywood starlet Virginia Rappe, ruining Arbuckle's later career and the mind's eye of countless moviegoing Americans.

1970: The Ford Pinto is introduced. The car sells well in the economy car market for nearly a decade until well-designed imports like the Honda Civic and Toyota Corolla rear-ended its sales... causing it to explode.

1992: Hurricane Iniki devastates Hawaii, predominantly the islands of Kauai and Oahu (and to a lesser extent the islands of Niihau, Maui, Molokai, Lanai, and Kahoolawe), pissing off Boston newscasters, who can't pronounce even one of those names correctly.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have my paper. The FBI confiscated my computer and lot of other stuff. You'll have the assignment in six years, or maybe two years if I really behave myself."

"Fail me? Fail me? Do you know who I am? Do you know who my father is and how much money he's donated to this school? The building we're in is named after him, buddy, and you had better believe that Roger 'Advanced Laser Laboratories' Youngman will be hearing about this travesty of academic mistreatment!"

"My dog ate it. And everything else. Help. Me."

"I'm sorry that I missed class last Friday, but my mother died. Do you need a copy of the obituary? It's no problem, but you are going to have to wait for the cops to find the body first."

"I guess I just forgot to do my homework... You know, I've had the hardest time remembering things ever since I tripped over the negligently strewn straps of your attaché bag last week and hit my head on the corner of your desk."

"I'd like to apologize for missing calculus all last week. On Monday I was having an elective root canal, on Tuesday I was hitting myself in the head with a hammer, on Wednesday I was eating rancid bologna, on Thursday it was more of the hammer, and on Friday I was doing yet another incredibly painful thing that was somehow still more enjoyable than learning calculus."

"But you've got to let me take a make up exam! If my overall grade drops below a 55, I'll explode!"

"Sorry I'm late. By the way, your wife says 'Hi.'"

"I'll be honest with you: I've been attending another lecture. It's a not a better lecture, per se, just different. And, while I don't really see myself and this new lecture working out, it has made me appreciate that we're not 'us' anymore. It's over. I'm sorry. Here's your textbook back. If you could put my things in a box, I'll be by later to get them. Keep the t-shirt, though; it looks better on you, anyway."

"I'm sorry I missed class yesterday, but I have discovered a method of time travel that allows me to bounce from the prehistoric era to the future and back again. Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice my discovery to ensure the stability of the space-time continuum. Also, here's $50."

Earth, Wind, and Holy Water

The BeRADitudes

The Tourin' Turin

Rock the Other Cheek

DJ WWJD

The Trouble with Tribulations

Biblecore

Son of a Preacher Man

j35u5

The Biblical Sense

Rev. Me Up

"Thou Shalt Feeleth Thy Lord's Grace... IN THY'S FACE."

1. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you be terribly offended?

2. Let's you and I make like a tree and branch the hell out of here.

Only slightly more likely of getting nailed than you are, if you use these lines.

4. That top looks great on you, but it'd look even better in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor--for I, too, enjoy wearing women's clothing.

5. Excuse me, may I borrow a quarter?  I need to call my mom and tell her I'm destitute.

6. Do you sleep on your stomach?  I'm just asking 'cause I heard people can die of suffocation that way.

7. The word of the day is "legs."  Now that you know, I humbly request that you begin informing the rest of the general public of the word of the day.

8. I'm currently fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight--mostly because it's completely beyond my ability to do so.

9. Is it hot in here, or do you suffer from some weird glandular disorder?

10. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I would like to perform cunnilingus on you later this evening.

11. If I could rearrange the alphabet... well, I wouldn't.  Because then that song wouldn't make sense anymore.

12. You must be tired.  ("Why?")  Because you look like absolute shit.

13. I've lost my phone number.  Yeah, I'm mentally deficient.

14. Nice legs.  At what hour do you begin servicing men?

15. Heaven just called.  They seem to be missing an angel.  Did you eat it?

16. Got a little Irish in you?  ("No.")  Really?  Because you look like an alcoholic.

17. Nice shoes.  Airwalks?

18. Did it hurt?  ("Did what hurt?")  When you got hit in the face with... I'm guessing a shovel?

19. I think continuing to wear that shirt is a big mistake.  Can I talk you out of it?  I mean the act of wearing the shirt, not the shirt itself, of course.  I hardly know you, and that would be presumptuous.

20. Fat penguin! ("What?!")  I just called you a fat penguin, tubby.

21. You show me yours, and... that's it.  You show me yours.  C'mon.  Let's see 'em.

22. Do you believe in love at first sight, or are you just another disillusioned skank?

23. That shirt's very becoming on you.  No, really: it looks excellent.  On an unrelated note, I'd like to ejaculate on your person.

"Brains! Braiiiiiins!"

I always separate Skittles into groups based on hue and let them wage battles against each other.  The red Skittles usually win these color wars, partially because I feel bad at how my forefathers treated the Native Americans, but mostly because there aren't any black Skittles.

Sometimes, all of my Skittles must band together to defend their portion of the coffee table against an invading horde of Peanut Butter M&Ms.  I call this uneasy truce the "Rainbow Coalition."

PRO: Everyone would get their own unicorn!

CON: Such a scenario is oppressively gay.

PRO: Gay is totally in right now.

CON: ... Still, "unicorn gay" is pushing it.

PRO: Unicorn horns are magical and can neutralize nearly any poison!

CON: Poachers.

PRO: Unicorns are good and noble creatures.

CON: Feeling belittled by unicorn goodness and nobility each day on the way to work/school/rehab.

PRO: Most unicorns have coats of breathtakingly immaculate white.

CON: Sometimes, you'll see a strong and influential black unicorn that scares all the white unicorns with what he might accomplish, but that's a horse of a different color.

PRO: Unicorns are attracted to-and will defend-virgin women.

CON: Probable drastic increase in frat-on-unicorn violence.

PRO: Corn- and soybean-based fuels are good for the economy.

CON: Post-unicorn fuel byproducts bad for the air (and noses).

PRO: Might prey on pixies and sprites, reducing our current fairy infestation.

CON: Might also attract natural unicorn predators, such as lions, hippogriffs, and Tom Arnold.

PRO: Head-on collisions would become (more) morbidly fascinating.

CON: Threat of impalement slightly less comforting than threat of whiplash.

PRO: I could bounce joke ideas off the unicorns while in transit.

CON: I'd have to put up with a lot of neigh-saying.

PRO: It is very unlikely that your unicorn will be a registered sex offender.

CON: Still, there's the chance (and that horn is none-too-gentle).

PRO: Unicorns will never make you wait while they go and get lit up behind the bus barn.

CON: Unicorns will never invite you to come and get lit up with them behind the bus barn.

PRO: No waiting at bus stops.

CON: There's an actionable lack of wheelchair-accessible unicorns.

PRO: Endless opportunity for "guess who's horny" jokes.

CON: This, too, might attract Tom Arnold.

·"I like how you went too slow enough [sic] for me understand the homework explanations, but I wish you had gone faster so class would have gotten out early more often.

·"You were okay.  Not great, but not bad, either."

·"I thought Mr. Juhl was a great T.A. and I learned a lot from him.  I would definitely take this class with him again."

·"I thought Andrew did a great job of losing weight this semester."

·"Mr. Juhl is the worst T.A. I have ever had."

·"I think Mr. Juhl is the best T.A. I have ever had."

·"I liked Andrew.  He taught me without making me fell dumb for not understanding what he was teaching me.  He also owns two of the same shirts as me, so I know he's an okay guy."

·"...I don't think Andrew understands calculus any better than me."

·"This T.A. angered me on a daily basis because I am not a morning person..."

·"I have no opinion of Andrew.  He seems smart."

·"I think I could take Andrew in a fight.  He's got maybe 40 [pounds] on me, but I'm faster than him and would sink so low as to use a hidden switchblade."*

* = It should be noted that this was my favorite student.

1-K: Feelin' good!  Hell, I might even run two of these today.

2-K: Or maybe just one.

3-K: Yep, definitely just one.

4-K: Four kilometers?!?!  Is that all?  Four?  Holy Odin's Jackrabbit, what a horrible way to spend a Saturday.

5-K: 22 minutes.  I could be an entire episode further into my DVD box set of Rainbow Brite, but where am I instead?  Oh, that's right: running 6.2 miles on asphalt, an invention necessitated by the automobile, which was, in itself, an invention necessitated by the human desire to never again traverse long distances on foot.  I'm such a tool.

6-K: The endorphins had better start kicking in soon, 'cause the mescaline's already wearing off.

7-K: You know, Andrew, maybe you don't hate AIDS as much as you originally thought.

8-K: My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?

9-K: Is that a Bennigan's up ahead on the right?  I sure could go for a Monte Cristo right about now.

10-K: N/A