...That I wish I had received in college.

• Order blooming onion with French dip.

• Make hilarious comment to cute waitress about your anticipated bad breath.

• Smirk sheepishly as cute waitress giggles at the self-deprecating humor of her new customer.

Drinks

• Order 5 Bud Lights for yourself and friends.

• Follow up with fantastic, "Now that we've got me out of the way, what will the rest of you be drinking?!" line.

• Wait for universal laughter from friends; flirtatious, This guy likes to party glance from cute waitress.

Dinner

• Order Pizza Burger (Deluxe).

• Wait for cute waitress to finish taking orders; shout "Spank you very much!" in Ace Ventura voice.

• Graciously accept compliments on your uncanny Jim Carrey impersonation from friends; slip Sam Adams coaster with cute waitress's phone number into pocket. (ALLLL RIGHTY THEN!)

Dessert

• Order Reese's "Peanut Butter Cup Explosion Sunday" cake

• When it arrives, smear dessert across face while shouting "Me like cakey! Me like cakey!"

• Bask in uproarious, side-splitting laughter from friends while cute waitress discreetly rubs your erection through blue jeans.

Just answer the questions below to see if you're going to go greek next semester, or if you'll continue to lead a normal life outside of a large organization composed entirely of people of the same gender!

Your Facebook profile lists you as looking for:
A Relationship (0 points)
Friendship (1 point)
Random Play (2 points)
Whatever I can get (3 points)

How do you feel about funny-looking, non-latin alphabets?
They're stupid (0 points)
Indifferent (1 points)
I didn't know there were other alphabets, but I might be persuaded to use one of them if they used triangles for letters (2 points)
I want to put them on everything I own (3 points)

Note: the first half of this article was written by a real-life 5th grader.

Just answer the questions below and see if your girlfriend is making a fool out of you behind your back!

I've been with my girlfriend for...
1-2 years. (0 points)
Less than one year. (1 point)
2+ years. (2 points)
Umm anywhere between 6 weeks and 2 years - I'm not totally sure. She keeps track of that crap. (3 points)

I've seen her make out with...
No one. (0 points)
Other girls. (1 point)
Other dudes. (2 points)
My little borther. (3 Points)

For anyone who is fortunate enough NOT to know, Paris Hilton is going to jail. I don't spy on mortals all day or anything, but it's impossible to avoid hearing about it. It's on the front page of every newspaper while news like, “Pope Stresses Church's Stance on Abortion” is buried on page who-gives-a-sh*t (sorry about these asterisks, if I curse it kills 10,000 people).

And yes, I'm omniscient so I'm aware that when I blog about not blogging about Paris Hilton, I am myself blogging about Paris Hilton. Listen, I haven't been this serious since I made a pact with Noah - after this, I will NOT blog about Paris Hilton anymore.

It's just like, why is Paris Hilton famous? When I read about Lindsay I go, “Whatever, at least she's going to win an Oscar for being Mrs. Robinson in 2044's The Graduate remake. Everyone will know it's stupid, but it's still an Oscar so whatever.” Paris Hilton never has done and never will do anything worthwhile. Not following the terms of a drunk driving probation is going to be the second most interesting thing she ever does. In 2032, she kills herself with pills.

Recently while surfing the internet as I'm want to do on a slow Thursday afternoon (okay it was late Saturday night) I happened upon a website that promised a bizarre "trick" that I "would not want to miss". I took the bait and gambled away my $9.99 to view this "trick" that would leave me, I hoped, spellbound. I wondered if the trick involved a disappearing birdy or an emerging rabbit as these illusions have always left me charmed and delighted. It was a few minutes later when I witnessed the worst thing since my ex wife Britney shaved her head. A woman (a seemingly normal sweet woman) was showing off a talent whereby she had a gentleman, (a seemingly normal sweet gentleman) insert his entire head into her vagina! Yes, you read right, his entire adult head...INTO her vagina. I don't know what they expected this writer’s reaction to be, but I can tell you it was far from charmed and delighted.

Has it really come to this? Have we as a society finally reached the point where we've actually become bored with the vagina? The vagina, the most magical and beautiful of all of god’s creations, reduced to a carnival side show? I've always thought of the vagina as one of the last remaining vestiges of all that is good in the world. Never has anyone ever looked at a vagina and thought anything but peaceful and generous thoughts. The environment evaporates around us, nations oppress and torture their people but all throughout one important fact refuses to wane; The Vagina is loved. Even Arabs killing themselves in the name of Allah are doing it for 72 of those puffy little pink puddin pops. I'm pretty sure not even a love of the almighty can convince anyone to blow themselves up for 72 whoppers (no offense King). There's just something about that adorable sweet little cul-de-sac of moisture that brings men of all races together.

Breaking up brings out the worst in people...

	Wow, this actually feels nice. I could see this maybe going somewhere. But more importantly, if I’m really quiet I think I can stick it in again while she’s still sleeping.
	God dammit. I KNEW I shouldn’t have ignored the fact that she had more armpit hair than me. Or that half-formed ballsac.
	Ohhh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. I can’t believe I used the ‘let’s be more than just friends’ line to get laid. Or the ‘you understand me better than anyone else’ line. Or the ‘I want you to be my girlfriend after this’ line.