Kevin Jones's Articles

      College is a new, exciting time in the lives of many young adults. Many haven't been away from home for extended periods of time, many haven't shared a room with anyone before, and almost no one has had as much free time with so many distractions. If you want to appear sophisticated, mature, and prepared for college, follow this set of rules. Your roommate will love you.

            When you meet your roommate and your roommate's family for the first time, don't introduce yourself, don't help carry bags, in fact, don't move at all from where you've decided to seat yourself. Nothing makes a worried mother happier than to leave her child with an unhelpful, unfriendly sack. After all, your roommate's mother has probably been stressing all summer about the possibility that you would replace her in her child's heart. She is probably hoping that you'll be so unfriendly to her newly collegiate offspring that he will want to run right back into big mama's arms.

            When unpacking your bags, make sure to take up all of your closet space and half of your roommate's. That way, your roommate's mother will get to take half of her baby's clothes home with her, and never lose that smell around the house. If you are ever in need of extra space throughout the year, feel free to throw your roommate's clothes behind a dresser or under the bed to make room for your own articles of clothing. Your roommate's mother will be so appreciative that you dirtied her child's clothes, forcing your roommate to return home to do wash, that she'll probably make you a batch of cookies out of gratitude.

            This one is crucial. On the first night at your new residence with your new roommate, go to a party. Get drunk. Scratch that, get absolutely shitfaced. Make sure you and your roommate travel together, so when you leave, he has to as well. As soon as you reach the room, start puking. Puke on everything! The couch, the floor, your roommate's bed, and it would be a shame for your roommate's pictures from home to remain clean, so get those twice, just for good measure. Your roommate will have a new appreciation for his mother, and all the work she did cleaning. Once again, your roommate's mother will be so happy that you helped her son gain a newfound respect for cleanliness that she'll welcome you into the family.

            On a Tuesday night, when your roommate leaves to go to the library or the gym, throw a surprise party for him. Don't be too worried about inviting your roommate's friends though, just invite anyone you can find; but make sure they're obnoxious and belligerent; the louder and more violent, the better! If your roommate looks like he's not having fun at the party that you so graciously threw him, don't let him leave; don't take no for an answer! If he tries to escape to the bedroom, there's only one thing to do: get to the room before him, lock the door, and sex-ile your roommate all night. If the tiny dorm beds don't make him miss home, then the lumpy couch sure will! Your roommate's mother will be so overwhelmed that her little college student wants to come home again, that she'll make you a nice care package!

They call it a 12x12 dorm because you can actually fit 144 people in there if you try hard enough

            This only applies to those of you who have a kitchen in your room, so if you don't, move on to the next tip! If you have a kitchen, make sure to go grocery shopping a lot to keep your refrigerator stocked. Don't, however, take your roommate's monetary constraints into account. Buy every expensive thing you can find; after all, only name brand foods taste good. If your roommate tries to wiggle out of the bill and refuses to pay for the things you picked out, stand up for yourself! Don't let him con you into paying for your own food or lowering your culinary standards; this is college, you're supposed to dine with class! When you finally get that cheap-skate roommate to let you buy the food you want, bring it up to the apartment, but before putting it all away, take a break; watch some TV or take a nap, you can put those groceries away later. If, when you wake up, you find that your roommate has put all the groceries away, then consider yourself lucky; you have a pretty good roommate. So settle down with a snack from the fridge in celebration of your good fortune. Don't close the refrigerator door though, the food needs air to breathe; it tastes better that way. Your roommate might yell when he finds out, but hey, remember when he was complaining about all the food you bought? You did him a favor! Your roommate will probably call his mother to have her ship food, and she'll be so ecstatic that her darling misses her cooking, that she'll send over delicious treats for him and you. Make sure to eat his share of the food when he's out of the room, he's such a good roommate, he'd want you to have it.

Don't worry, your college's health center is almost too good at curing salmonella

    If your roommate is ever out of the room, look for leftover cash he may have left around. If you find any, take it. Finder's keepers. If you've done your job right, then your roommate will never notice that it's missing and may even think he's been spending all his money himself. If this goes on long enough, your roommate may even call home to request some extra funds. For once, your roommate's mom will not be happy. She'll wonder where all the cash has been going; she'll wonder why her son only calls when he needs something; she'll cut him off. Then, you'll have done your roommate the ultimate favor; you'll have given him a level of independence it takes most collegians 4 years to attain. He's no longer reliant on mommy, and mommy no longer has empty nest syndrome. Your work is done, but you can go ahead and keep stealing from him; he'll never know it was you.