Kevin Jones's Articles

If you've seen Entourage you know that a lot more goes through an actor's mind when choosing a movie than just whether or not it has a good script and a good director. Sometimes, extraneous factors camouflage a script's flaws and a director's weaknesses. As with most things in life, the source of this confusion is most often women. Listed are the top 10 movie roles taken by actors who were blinded by the opportunity to make-out with the female lead. Seriously. The only conceivable reason to take these roles was to make out on screen and hit that sweet va-j off of it.

Aaron Eckhart only had one lead role (Thank You For Smoking) under his belt when he was cast in a romantic comedy about a pretentious chef (Zeta-Jones) who is forced to raise her niece after her sister dies in an accident. Eckhart plays the smarmy sous-chef who defrosts the bitter Zeta-Jones. After seeing him in Dark Knight it seems laughable that he would take this role, but I'm sure he was looking for his big break, so I'll give him a slight pass.

Here's one thing you need to know about me: I f*cking love Diane Lane, and therefore I would never fault anyone for taking an opportunity to make-out with her. But seriously, John Cusack? You were in Say Anything, so I know you know how to recognize a good love story when you see one. But online dating, dog parks, and trailer homes are three things that should not be grouped together.

5) Pretend I work for CTU and that every call I get is in reference to counter-terrorism.

4) Pretend I'm in the hatch on LOST, and that filling in Excel spreadsheets is actually saving the world.

3) Pretend I work for Dunder Mifflin, and that my co-workers are funny, interesting, and worthy of playing pranks on. This is harder than #4.

2) Pretend I'm a featured writer for CH and that I'm getting paid for the articles I write that get rejected.

1) Pretend I'm Jason Michaels and that I'm actually funny.

Saving my boss from having to answer his own phone is almost equivalent to saving the world in a day.

CEO: OK, people, we've got a great lineup of programming so far. We air reruns of movies and TV that everyone feels comfortable with. Real middle of the road comedy, nothing too explicit. Great job.

Guy 1: Yeah, like Friends and Seinfeld.

CEO: Exactly. 90's sitcoms. Everyone loves them because everyone remembers them. Watching them is like putting on a forgotten pair of sweatpants.

Guy 2: We've also got King of Queens and Everybody Loves Raymond.

CEO: That's it right there. That's our bread and butter, the family comedy. That's what people can relate to and feel comfortable with.

Guy 3: OK, so what's up, boss?

CEO: Well, I think we've reached that veritable point of success when it's time to make a foray into the great unknown: original programming.

Guy 1: Interesting, very interesting. Do you have anything in mind?

CEO: Well, we need to appeal to a large variety of demographics without upsetting anyone. What funny black guys do we know?

Guy 2: D.L. Hughley?

CEO: He's been done. Kind of played out.

Guy 3: Chris Rock

CEO: Taken.

Guy 1: Tyler Perry?

CEO: Who?

Believe it or not, they're not looking to shoot you.

Guy 1: You know...Tyler Perry...made a lot of movies...pretty popular, among black people. Pretty tame style of comedy, though. Real family centered.

CEO: Perfect! OK, now what can we do to offset the black audience? Do we know of any family oriented Southern comics?

Guy 2: Jeff Foxworthy?

CEO: He's already had a show. Did you not watch TV 12 years ago, man?

Guy 2: Ron White?

CEO: Too drunk.

Guy 3: Larry the Cable Guy

CEO: Too incoherent. Plus, he's taken too. He's busy making terrible movies.

Guy 1: Bill Engvall?

CEO: Who?

Guy 1: You know...Bill Engvall. The fourth in their little group. He does a lot of family comedy.

CEO: Perfect! Wow! Another great suggestion, Guy 1!

Guy 1: There's just one thing though...

CEO: What? What could it possibly be?

Guy 1: Well...ask anyone...Bill Engvall is almost universally considered the least funny of the foursome.

CEO: No, no, no, Guy 1. Not least funny, least controversial. He'll be fantastic.

Guy 1: I guess...

CEO: OK, I think we need one more show...good things come in threes, ya know? Something wacky, though. Like, not a normal premise.

Guy 2: How about John Lithgow as an alien from another planet?

CEO: OK, now I know you're f*cking with me.

Guy 3: How about like...like a comedy about working in an office?

CEO: Are you kidding? How can you work here and not watch TV? I mean, sh*t...I'm pretty sure that airs on OUR station!

Guy 1: How about a show with a girl main character who only has guy friends.

CEO: You have a gift, my friend.

Guy 1: Oh, that's a great idea! Jim Gaffigan could be in it!

CEO: Who?

The best part about My Boys? How hot she is.

Guy 1: Jim Gaffigan. He's a comedian. He's hilarious. He does a bit about how Easter doesn't make sense, and another making fun of the Pope.

CEO: Hmmm...sounds a little racy, but I trust you, Guy 1. He can be in the show, but he's only going to get a minor role.

Guy 1: That seems like a waste, but I guess it's better than nothing.

CEO: Don't worry. I've got the perfect new slogan. "Very Funny." So simple, so pure, so uncontroversial.  Plus, people always believe what they hear. Now, let's get something purely for the ladies. How about that Sex and the City show on HBO. We'll bring it here, but take out all the sex and language to make it more accessible.

Guy 1: Sir, I quit.

Some call it Air Mail, others call it Send and Receive, but I come from a subtler, nobler stock. I kick the ball, and you better be darn sure that I'm going to catch it when you kick it back.

The true test of a man.

                Today's the day, the day I've waited my 8 years of life for. It's the Kick and Catch playoff championship semifinal battle royale explosion. I've come far in my days as a Kick and Catch warrior. I fought off the stings of misplayed balls and the sting of Greg Saunders's insults when he called me a scab eating booger brains after I beat him. I never should have taken on the most popular kid in the third grade, but now that I've come this far, it's rubber playground balls to the wall. I've survived the pain of jammed fingers and the pain of awkward growth spurts.  I've survived humiliating losses and the humiliation of having the extra pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles underwear that my mom packed for me falling out through a hole in my back pack. Not really Kick and Catch related, but embarrassing nonetheless.

                But, I've finally made it here, after my greatest setback to date: I got a check minus minus on my language arts quiz, and I was given the opportunity to stay in at recess and retake the test, but I wouldn't miss this match if my butthead teacher, Mrs. Arnold, threatened to steal my Pokémon cards, and I swear to you I have all the holograms. After all, so what if I don't know how to form the letter "s" in cursive? All I want to do is kick. And catch. And dance. But that's a story for another day. 

This man is actually in the third grade.

Until that day, I must defend my honor as a playground gladiator. I'm the King of Kick and I wear the crown of Catch. I'm the sultan of the swing set, and the tsar of the monkey bars. I wear the heavyweight title of the world for my exploits in this arena. I own this.

3 days later at a parent teacher conference:

Mrs. Arnold: Your son was given the opportunity to retake a test, and instead chose recess. He now has an "N" in my class, which as you know means "not Satisfactory."

Mom to me: You're grounded. No dessert.

Me: What the heck, Mrs. Arnold? What the heck?

Speaker: I'd like to welcome everyone to the Legends of the Hidden Temple 15 year reunion. It has been 15 years since our illustrious show first began. It's been a long time, fellas, but I'm glad to see you're all healthy and well. Let's start things off with a little reintroduction. Carl, would you update us on what you've been doing?

There is not a single picture on Google Images of the Temple Guards.

Carl: *Puts an arm around his wife* Well, I'm glad to announce that I'm happily married to my wife Patricia and she just gave birth to our second baby girl in May.

*everyone claps and exchanges genuinely happy looks*

Speaker: Congratulations, Carl! I can't wait to see photos of your new baby, and I'm very glad to see you brought your oldest daughter Rebecca.

Everyone: Hi, Rebecca!

Speaker: Andy, why don't you continue? What have you been up to since 1995?

Andy: Well, I've been working hard at the job. I was recently promoted to deputy chief of the Pearview County Mall. Soon, I hope to be made regional chief. I gotta tell ya, guys, it may just be mall security but I've never had such a rewarding job. Except of course for those two wonderful years I spent on site with all of you. *He grins sheepishly and the two men sitting next to him stand a give him brotherly hugs.*

Speaker: Ed, how about you?

Ed: Well, I had some trouble initially converting back to civilian life, but I finally found a job. I'm a bouncer at a bar in the city, and it's awesome! I'm like P. Swayze in RoadHouse!

Carl: Badass, man! Congrats!

*They all continue to go around the circle telling their success stories about their lives after the show*

Speaker: Well, now that we're all reacquainted, feel free to mingle amongst yourselves. The buffet will start in about 25 minutes. It's been great seeing all of you again.

*A man, obviously drunk, stumbles into the convention center*

Speaker: *Under his breath* Shit...how did he find out about this.

Drunk: Hey, hey, hey, mothafuckas! You thought you wouldn't tell me about this little party, but Olmec always knows where you are.

Speaker: You think you're Olmec, now? Fuck, Pete, you're not Olmec! He's a giant stone figurehead!

His face may be stone, but his wisdom is real.

Pete/Drunk: *snaps* I know I'm not Olmec! Olmec only told me where you were!

Speaker: Oh...

Pete: Aren't you going to ask me what I've been doing with my life?

Speaker: How did you...

Pete: I'm sneaky, bitch! I'm a mo'fuckin' temple guard!

Speaker: Touché. OK, Pete, what have you been doing with your life since....uh...you left the show?

Pete: Well, I was acquitted, if you must know. Thank God for those matching uniforms, eh, Bob? The dumb skank couldn't say 100% that it was me who attacked her!

Speaker: Oh, God, you sicken me.

Carl: He was always so gung ho about grabbing the children...

Pete: I mean, I defended the Mask of Shaka Zulu, the Mush Pot Hat of Johnny Appleseed, and the Smashed Printing Plate of Frederick Douglass from the dirty, disgusting clutches of preteen boys and the elegant, seductive fingers of preteen girls, but I tell ya, it wasn't nearly as hard as protecting myself from the monotonous rants of Judge Wilhelm! He just wouldn't stop yammering about how I was a morally deviant human being. Blah, blah, blah.

Andy: You're like the Devil, only worse. Who knows how many women you got to before the show caught on. You must've been backstage for 15 minutes with each one after you captured them during their quest.

Pete: Please, Andy, show me some respect; they were girls, not women. And I don't know why you're so upset about this. Let's just say, when those kids were jumping around all happy as the end credits rolled, it wasn't just because they won a week at Space Camp.

*Carl's wife whimpers from her hiding place behind her husband. Gary turns and notices Carl's daughter for the first time*

Pete: Gary! I didn't know you had a daughter. My, look at those shoulders. So sinewy, so taut. I bet she would've put that silver monkey together in record time.

*Everyone laughs despite themselves*

Andy: Please, we all know no one ever won. 3 minutes to get through 12 rooms? That's like trying to not be attracted to Kirk Fogg's smile.

Kirk Fogg's smile was actually elected President of Colombia. Unfortunately, a military coup ended its reign.

Gary: Whatever, man. That's not important. What is important is little Rebecca here.

Pete: For God sakes, man! She's 9!

Gary: Whatevs, she's a tease. *Addressing Rebecca* What was your favorite team on the show, sweetie?

Rebecca: *Whimpering* The r-r-red j-j-jaguars.

Pete: Weird...I would have pegged you for a red FOX kind of girl. Get it?

Everyone: BOOOOOOOO! Boo this man!

Pete: Aww, fuck you guys.
Speaker: Aww, we love you man. Once a Temple Guard, always a Temple Guard.


Special thanks to rjlicursi, even though his name ends in a vowel, which means he's a dumb Italian.

*Some internet comic strip's headquarters*

Comic Strip Writer: Aww, fuck, man! I'm totally in the zone with these new comics. It's like I have an x-ray into people's minds to know what they think is funny!

Comic Strip Editor: OK, what've you got?

Comic Strip Writer: Well take this one. It's perfect. It's Kobe Bryant sweating. BUT the little sweat drops are ALIVE and having FUN!!!! ROFL! LMAO! I must be the dough boy because I'm whipping up a nice batch of Pillsbury LOLls!

Comic Strip Editor: I...I'm not sure I get it. What's the joke? Why is that funny? Because it's personification? Are poetry devices suddenly the end all be all of humor?

CSW: Huh...maybe I didn't explain it right. It's Kobe Bryant....and he's sweating...but the drops HAVE FACES!!!! Is it Christmas? Cuz I think I just decked the halls with boughs of LOLly!

CSE: That may be, in fact, the least funny thing I've ever heard. It doesn't even have topical humor going for it. You realize the NBA playoffs ended like 3 weeks ago, right? They're like the furthest thing from people's minds.

CSW: Aww, man. Are you a smoker? Cuz that's a serious drag. But here, check out what else I've got.

CSE: For the love of God and your job, I hope you're not wasting my time.

CSW: No, no, no of course not. Look at this one. College kids will love it.

CSE: What the fuck am I looking at?

CSW: *swelling in pride* Weeelllll...if you don't mind me bragging a little, this is my absolute best work. It's pure, unequivocal genius. It's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, in their sewer, dressed as the enchanting whores of Sex and the City! It's called Sex and the Sewer! Get it?!? It's a play on words!!! I must be Indiana Jones, cuz I just found the LOLy grail!

CSE: .....

CSW: It appeals to every demographic! The nostalgic, the young at heart, the glamorous...

CSE: The retarded...

CSW: Oh, are we in IKEA? Cuz I think I just bought a wraparound OUCH. Just one more, sir. It'll blow you away, I promise. *Shuffles through portfolio* Oh! Here, try this one.

CSE: *Stares at image for a long time without looking up, but finally does, with a face full of unadulterated rage* What in the name of all that is funny in the world is this?

CSW: It's LARRY Bird and BIG Bird! I got the idea from a game of TriBond! "What's the same between Winnie the Pooh, Attilla the Hun, and Catherine the Great?" Their MIDDLE name! Get it? Larry BIRD, Big BIRD! They have the same LAST name! They could be brothers! LOLlipop!

CSE: What the fuck is TriBond? And, Lollipop? What? Do you have F.A.S?

CSW: No, no, no Lol-lipop....I guess that one doesn't really work.

CSE: Get the fuck out of my office.

CSW: You'll be sorry! One day, I'll find an internet site that will get my rare brand of humor! They'll post a new strip of mine every week!

CSE: I pity the poor bastards that would have to endure that...

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758645

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756158

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756740