Kyle Likes

Congratulations on your purchase of the Nintendo Entertainment System. You're only seconds away from unlocking 8 bits of the most awesome electronic gaming the world has ever seen. Just follow the simple instructions below and prepare to be blown away: Now you're playing with power!

Step 1: Connect NES RCA adapter to television's RCA output feed and tune television to channel 3.

Step 2: Insert NES game cartridge into NES console, push cartridge down into locked position, and press POWER button on front of console.

Step 3: NES System will power on and off repeatedly in 4-second intervals. Remove game cartridge from console, place lips against bottom, and blow up and down cartridge connectors. Re-insert cartridge and press POWER.

Step 4: Television will intermittently flash blue and burgundy screens. Remove game cartridge from console and again blow on cartridge connectors even harder, as well as inside NES console. Re-insert and wiggle cartridge side-to-side for 15 seconds. Press POWER.

Step 5: Main menu of game will appear, with music, for roughly 4 seconds before re-starting. Remove cartridge and allow little brother to assist. Little brother will re-insert and rapidly push cartridge up and down in console and press POWER.

Step 6: Screen will instantly freeze on jumbled, pixelated image of game's main menu along with loud, monotonous tone.  Accuse little brother of "making it worse" and punch him in arm.

Step 7: Plead with mother and stepfather to order official NES Cleaning Kit ($49.95 + S&H). Kit will arrive from Kyoto, Japan in 6 to 8 months.

Step 8: Enlist assistance of cool uncle who claims to have beaten Metroid. Cool uncle will recommend only partially inserting game so that top of cartridge rubs against inner wall of console. Comply and press POWER.

Step 9: Grey and turquoise screens will flash. Remove cartridge from console and blow, harder still, on bottom connectors.

Step 10: Repeat as necessary.