Kev Kage's Articles

A few months ago, College Humor Superstar Jeff Rosenberg wrote an article (collegehumor.com/article:1729208) about the Two Week Window - the time you have between meeting a girl and sealing the deal, before you end up with life in the "Friend Zone" and no parole.

But in honor of CH’s Orientation Week, it's important to remember the OTHER

Two Week Window. This one...well, it's like Christmas, really. It’s the best chance you’ll have all year at tagging freshmen hotties before they’re tainted by people not as cool as you. Yes my friends, it’s the Freshman Two Week Window - and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the process, please allow me to explain.

In the beginning of each and every Fall Semester, freshmen girls flock to colleges and universities across the country with one goal – to party their smoking hot eighteen-year-old asses off. Now, while people like me may consider sitting alone in a room pounding a six of Natty while watching Death to Smoochy a party, most freshmen females don’t share that mentality. No, to truly party, you have to know and hang out with other people. And this is where the FTWW kicks in to full gear.

For the first two weeks of school, freshmen girls will leave the doors to their rooms wide open – an invitation to anyone who wants to walk in and “make some new friends”. In a nutshell, it’s the only time you’ll have all year to just randomly walk into a chick’s room and not look weird or out of place. On any given night, you can check out between 35-40 girls who all actually WANT you to be there!

But the FTWW is a fleeting thing – after two weeks, the girls have already made most of their friends, and the doors slam shut. That’s why it’s wise to make your mark early, before some meathead gets to them first and carries them off to the realm of unattainability. Here’s a few pointers to make sure you get the most out of the event:

Start on the Middle Floors
Most guys are not going to want to waste any time, and they’ll jump right into the first room they see. Other guys try to offset that by starting on the top floor and working their way down. By starting on the middle floors, you increase your chances of being the first one into the territory.

Don’t Commit Too Soon
If the chicks in the first room you go to are digging your shit, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ABORT THE REST OF THE MISSION!! Chances are, you aren’t reading the girl properly, and the last thing you want is to be stuck in her room watching Next Top Model on opposite couches while your friends are tearing it up on the other side of the floor. No matter how interested in you a girl seems, keep moving until the two weeks are up.

Bring Booze
It doesn’t matter if you’ve got alcohol in your room…they’re not going to leave. If you come bearing gifts of Smirnoff Ices and a bottle of something, you have fulfilled their wishes of having the party come to them.

Look for a Militant Roommate
Lots of girls hate their roommates, and that works out in your favor. Chicks are naturally catty and evil, so instead of ignoring their housemates, they will go out of their way to make that person miserable. Finding a chick with a militant roommate is a gold mine, because the good looking chicks will want to act extra slutty in front of them.

Remember That Two Weeks Doesn’t Last Forever
The farther along in the FTWW you are, the harder it gets. Strike early and strike hard. Go into this time period with a game plan. Be aware of your surroundings - if some other guys come in to a room and are outshining you for whatever reason, leave. I can’t stress that enough. Accept the fact that you’re going to fall in love on five different occasions – wasting too much time on one girl is the kiss of death.

So go forth, young men. Be the first to show these young ladies a good time. This is your season. You’ve earned it. Now go get ‘em.

As we grow from kids into adults, we start to lose interest in a lot of the things we treasured as a child. But there are some things that are timeless – things that will always be awesome, no matter how old we get. The following is a list of some of my favorites.

Hotel Pools
No matter where I’m going, for whatever reason, my first question upon booking a hotel room is whether or not they have a pool. I don’t know what it is about swimming indoors that gets me so pumped, but a pool at my hotel provides me with just as much enjoyment as it did when I was eight. I may have lost the swimmies, the goggles, and I might not pee in the water (as much), but a hotel pool is always #1 in my book.

Dear Diary,

Today is a wonderful day here in the hospital. Everyone is talking about a Surprise Visit from someone famous. I wonder who it could be? Maybe it’s Brad Pitt! Or Justin Timberlake! He is so cute, maybe he will like me even though I’m sick. I love his songs!! Whoever this person will be, I am very excited to meet them. The nurses and other kids are all so happy, I feel like I could even get better and be healthy again! I will write you as soon as this magical day is over!

Your pal,
Emily

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Dear Diary,

I’m so cold. The famous person turned out to be Paris Hilton. At first, I was excited, but then I realized Justin Timberlake wasn’t coming. I asked Paris for an autograph, and she said her hand hurt, and that I should be happy that I even got to see her. She giggled and said that she wished I had beautiful hair like hers (her words) and that it must be hard living with my ugly bald head from the treatment. She asked if she could take a picture of me to show her friends because I looked so silly in my hospital gown (again, her words) and before I could say how that would make me sad she had already taken it.

I know I told you before that I thought I would get better, but now all that is left is the scent of whore and the icy chill of death, lingering in the air. I don’t know if I can go on anym

**WARNING - THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT THE SIMPSONS MOVIE OFFICIAL DONUT!  PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW THE DONUT ENDS!**

OK, so I know I'm a little late on this, but this summer's been incredibly busy.  After a long day of moving heavy items up six flights of stairs, I decided to stop by the local 7-11 to finally pick up that Official Simpsons Movie Donut I've been eyeballing.  It's one thing to like the Simpsons enough to go out of your way to buy an otherwise ordinary donut, but this wasn't about that.  On the movie trailer, when the logo is shown at the end, a bite is taken out of the donut and some sort of purple-ish goo drips out.  Go ahead, watch the trailer so you know what I'm talking about.

...

See it?  It's a very rare thing when a donut with a hole in the middle ALSO has some kind of filling.  Truly this "Official Donut" was something worth getting excited over.  While I'm not exactly a fan of purple goo (if I had to rank, I'd say green goo, cream goo, possibly red goo coming in third), if it was inside a donut, then damn it, I was going to eat it.

 

I must admit, the thing looked awesome.  The pink was really bright, the sprinkles were satisfactorily distributed...all signs pointed to this being one of the best moments I would ever experience in my life.



I put on my favorite BustedTee and posed for a shot with my little treasure.  But don't let my smile fool you...something was...wrong.  As I lifted the donut, I couldn't help but notice that it felt a little light.  It felt like something was...missing.



I curiously took a bite of it.  The anticipation coursed through my veins.  My adrenaline was pumping.  Was I going to be disappointed?



I chewed...and...

God...DAMN...it...

WHERE IS THE GOO?!



LOOK AT THAT!!  Not one drop of purple goo.  Still not willing to accept that the Simpsons had lied to me, I took another bite.  Maybe I just got a crappy one, and the goo was all pushed to one side or something.  That was definitely what happened.  Because there's no way that the official logo's donut has goo and the official donut does not.



Ah, fuck this.



This picture does not even come close to capturing my disgust.  In case you didn't go back and take a look at the trailer, here's a picture of the donut in the logo.  I'll let you be the judge.



I mean...it's AS CLEAR AS DAY.  PURPLE...FREAKING...GOO.  Look, it's even squirting out.  The logo donut is BURSTING with so much purple goo it's literally SPLASHING OUT OF THE DONUT.  Now how, pray tell, can you make an OFFICIAL REAL DONUT that is not the same as the OFFICIAL LOGO DONUT?!



I can't even look at you, donut.  Turn your bullshit non goo filled center away from me.  You are nothing more than an "official" piece of crap.  The Simpsons have been disappointing me on and off for a very long time, but this...THIS... I may never be able to recover from.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with "1" being the worst and "10" being the best, I give the Simpsons Official Movie Donut a "Go Fuck Yourself".  All the money that was spent on marketing this movie...yet they couldn't spring the extra bucks for purple goo and make an accurate donut?  Shame on you 7-11.  Shame on you Matt Groening.  And shame on me for being fooled into eating this 89 cent piece of garbage.

If anyone else out there feels they have been mislead by the renegade tactics of the Donut, please contact me, as I am putting together a class action lawsuit.