CollegeHumor: User 563001's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760474 Chad Pennington Feels Sting After Being Released by Millions of Madden Owners Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:14:59 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760474 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Chad Pennington's ego took a massive blow Tuesday, when millions of Madden 2009 players released him from his contract with the virtual New York Jets.  The current Miami Dolphins quarterback, who remained a class act throughout his eight years with the Jets, was cut after the team traded for future Hall of Famer Brett Favre.  In order for gamers to keep an updated roster, they were forced to release Pennington as one of their first actions after purchasing the game.

"I've got nothing against Chad personally," said Matt Stein, 22, of Cleveland.  "But I like for the game to be as accurate as possible.  At least until I create myself with a 99 rating."

The usually upbeat Pennington seemed to be lacking his positive outlook when speaking to reporters.  "It was bad enough to get released when that washed up, arrogant gloryhound got traded to New York," Pennington stated.  "But to have to relive that over and over and over again?  Come on...I mean, that didn't even happen to Rex Grossman."

Still, loyal Madden enthusiasts everywhere decided that cutting Pennington was the right move to make.  "When you play a game like Madden '09, you're faced with a lot of tough choices," said Darrell Stevens, 19, of Missouri.  "You've got to make some unpopular decisions.  Like when I moved my team from Kansas City and renamed them the 'Queefs'.  Or when I made Bobbleheads cost 30 bucks."

While in real life, Pennington was quickly signed to a two-year deal by the Miami Dolphins, some Madden fans don't have plans to sign Pennington to the virtual team of the same name.  Greg Wilson, 25, of Dallas, called the process "exhausting".  Wilson, a diehard Cowboys fan, didn't care much about the goings-on of the AFC.  "I just want to play.  The last thing I care about is the AFC East.  I seriously couldn't think of a bigger waste of time than trying to make sure Miami's roster had Chad Pennington in it."  When asked why he would bother to relase Pennington, then, he responded, "Well, you've obviously got to make sure Brett Favre has somewhere to play."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750127 Politics Made Easy, Part 1: Republicans Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:16:11 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750127 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> There's a big presidential election coming up in November, and chances are, you don't care.  But it's not your fault.  It's all so confusing!  Delgates, electorals, liberals, conservatives...what does it all mean?

Don't sweat it.  I've put together a little guide to help you better understand the crazy world of American politics.  Just a little information is all you need to make the primaries just as exciting as the Flavor of Love 3 finale!  Well...maybe almost as exciting.  But great fun nonetheless!

TODAY'S LESSON: REPUBLICANS
This was a nice town until the giraffes moved in.
You've probably heard the terms conservative, "right wing", GOP, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  These are all terms used to describe the Republican Party.  The 'Pubs, as I like to call them, use a red, white and blue elephant with inverted stars on its back as their official mascot.  While many stories have originated over the years as to why the elephant was chosen, it is commonly believed that conservatives picked the elephant to represent them because it is the most racist of all the animals.  In addition, elephants love peanuts.  They love picking them up with their trunks and putting them into their huge mouths...have you ever seen an elephant eat?  It's awesome.

THE ISSUES

So what makes a Republican a Republican?  Use this guide to see if you fit the bill.  It's like taking an online survey, except there are no questions - and the answer lies in yourself.

  • Religion - The 'Pubs love God.  No, like...they LOVE God.  They'd marry God if they could.  Well, the women would.  Because Republicans don't approve of alternative lifestlyes.  And they HATE killing babies...that's a big one with them.  When you join the Republican Party, you are issued a tiny little headset (it's kind of like a Bluetooth) that gives you direct and constant contact with the Lord.  He tells you everything - what's right, what's wrong, and which times it's acceptable to be friends with people who aren't white.  While it may seem a bit hypocritcal to be so mean-spirited and have God on your side, don't be fooled.  God just makes them act that way to throw the rest of us off.
  • Immigration - Republicans want to build a giant electric fence, wider than any river and taller than any building, along all of the country's border.  And this doesn't just mean Mexico.  It means by Canada and both oceans.  Plus there will be a retractable dome/roof that unifies all the fences.  Current illegal aliens will be grouped into a giant wicker basket that will be tossed into the Pacific before the dome is sealed.  Now don't be confused - this doesn't mean that conservatives don't enjoy the services of their housekeepers.  They just want them to commute.
He sure doesn't look American to me.
  • Homeland Security - Keeping in line with their doctrine of being extremely narrow-minded and evil, most Republicans are in favor of blowing up everything that isn't located in the greater 48 states.  Many Republicans don't really trust Alaska and Hawaii, and are trying to draft legislature to bring the US back to 48 states, like it was in the "good ol' days."  To further the security measures, there is talk of dividing the US into two halves - North and South.  Each section would have different rules regarding employment, economy, and democracy.
  • Miscellaneous - As a general rule, if you're on the "right", you don't believe in global warming (or facts...or science), you like money and look down on those without it, you're proud to be an American but most likely cannot explain any policy of any member of your party, and you like guns and war.  When people present contrary views, you will often speak louder and louder, accusing the other person of being a terrorist.  Again, it's important to note you also despise most minorities, gays, lesbians, artists, tennis pros, and people who disagree with you.  You DO like NASCAR, however.  And probably Carrie Underwood, but honestly, who doesn't.

CONCLUSION

Now that you understand what it is to be a Republican, you'll know if you are one.  You can also pick them out of a crowd.  For example, when your Dad says, "Just wait till those god damn Chinese come here and start blowing everything up," or your barber says, "those idiot liberals are trying to take more money away from me," or your friend says "God will rain hellfire upon those soulless heathens," you have successfully found a Republican.  Stay tuned next week when we examine the views of those patchouli smelling drug addicts, the Democrats!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745199 Nick GAS Needs Your Help! Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:39:52 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1745199 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I had hoped that this day would never come, but sadly...it is the truth.

There's no easy way to do this, so I'm just gonna say it.

Nick GAS is going off the air.

I'll wait while you regain your composure.

......

Yes, Nickelodeon Games and Sports, the home of some of the greatest shows to ever be on television, is going to be buried. You know what that means? No more Double Dare. No more Global GUTS. And perhaps worst of all, no more Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I've been hanging around this site long enough to know that many of you share my deep affinity for the Nickelodeon programming of yesteryear. And that's why I need your help.

Start Facebook Groups. Sign online petitions. Lobby your local congressman. Get people behind the movement. Keep the dream alive!

If there's enough support, I will personally make sure your voices are heard. That is my promise to you.

So go out. Campaign. Whether you do it for yourself, for Kirk Fogg, or even for Little Pete (he always would guess wrong on purpose so the kids could win on Figure It Out), it matters not. As long as you spread the word.

Thank you in advance for your support. Let's save Nick GAS!!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742592 Afternoon After Dora the Explorer: The Race to Chocolate Mountain Tue, 16 Oct 2007 10:42:11 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742592 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Something about this morning's DTE didn't sit quite well with me. I know it's been seven years since the show debuted but the storylines seem to be getting really repetitive. A show that's supposed to be encouraging imagination is clearly lacking it. But maybe it's just me. I know everyone seems to point to the third season as the pinnacle of the series' writing, but I will argue that Season Five's "Friendship Day" was probably the most inspired piece since the show's inception.

But I digress.

Dora and Boots are hanging out at the Marquez residence as per usual when her madre comes out with some fresh chocolate chip cookies. Boots makes some inane remark about how chocolate chips make him want to sing or something, I don't really remember because I started tuning him out around the end of last season. Ever since Boots wouldn't shut up about becoming a "Big Monkey Brother" in the newborn twins episode his character just seems to get worse and worse.

Cue Swiper, who seems to be portrayed as especially Puerto Rican in this episode. He grabs the plateful of cookies and says he's going to eat them all at Chocolate Mountain. Dora and Boots ask us if we'll vamanos and get them back. She must have misunderstood my "not a fucking chance" as a yes - I guess something was lost in the translation. So our journey begins. Of course Dora has no clue about how to get to Chocolate Mountain, so she consults the Map. I'm kinda getting sick of seeing the Map - Dora has been to a hundred different places by now, how can she still not know where she's going? It's like the girl who doesn't drive...she never pays attention when she's going anywhere and even though she's been to a place a million times, she couldn't tell you how to get there. Ugh.

So Map tells us that we've got to go through Sunny Flower Meadow and The Giggling River before we can get to Swiper at el montana de chocolato. Dora starts in on her requisite repetition of the directions sixty times. Seriously...all this repeating...over and over...do we honestly still need the Map? Sunny Flower Meadow is up first, but hold on, we can't get through right away. A blistering shockwave is sent through viewers everywhere. Before we can pass, we have to match letters of the alphabet that the Flowers have on their petals. Yup, you heard me. Matching. Again. What I wouldn't give for a number game. *Sigh* The good old days...

Boots has been practicing his letters so he blows through the matching game, and honestly, it'd be a shame if he didn't. He starts to brag about it and act like the cocky douche he is until Dora reminds him that we ALL helped. Except for me. I was hitting the water bong harder than an Eskimo's nipple. Next up was the Giggling River. (Not to be confused with the Laughing Lake of three episodes ago.)
The Giggling River won't let our heroes pass unless they help fix his bridge. There's three pieces on the grass, and we have to pick which piece fits. It's the round one (I still contest they could have made the square piece fit without disrupting the integrity of the bridge). Dora and Boots celebrate and we're finally on our way to Chocolate Mountain.

Swiper isn't hard to find because he left a trail of crumbs (I'm sorry - at this point I have to stop. A TRAIL OF CRUMBS? Honestly...I'm just about done with this show) which lead to his hiding spot behind a rock. Everyone yells, "Swiper, no swiping!" to which Swiper delivers his cult-like, mindless response of, "Oh man!" Even with the cookies Swipers supposedly ate, and the evidence of the crumbs, there are still just as many cookies on the plate as there were in the beginning of the episode. (I rewound just to be sure - look at 1:35 for the best shot.) We celebrate with the "We Did It" song and the credits roll.

Tomorrow morning's episode is a repeat, so there won't be a recap. But if Nick Jr. continues to air these tired new Dora episodes, it won't be long till I officially jump ship to the Wonder Pets.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741333 The Checklist Wed, 26 Sep 2007 16:37:20 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741333 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I set a goal once, for myself
With dignity and grace
That I would do, before I died
A girl from every race

A list was in my pocket
I would check it off for fun
It wasn’t till the boxes filled
That my work would be done

The first, her name was Mary
She had red hair with a curl
Sure she was an albino
But I needed a “white girl”

The second took a lot of work
We did it in the snow
If you wanna hump in igloos
Find yourself an Eskimo

The third one was a Star Wars nerd
Who really loved Mace Windu
I slayed her with my saber
Then I promptly checked off Hindu

The fourth was quite an accident
Someone I wasn’t seekin’
I thought I tagged a Cuban girl
But she was Puerto Rican

The fifth and sixth confused me
Nailed them both on one occasion
Were they Chinese or Korean?
Hell, I’ll put two checks by “Asian”

The seventh was a great big mess
A hairy place to be in
But that’s the breaks you’ve got to face
When you go European

The eighth one was a black girl
And I surely set the right mood
She told me when we finished
I was awesome...for a white dude

The list seemed to go on and on
At times my plight seemed wacky
One time I risked both life and limb
To sleep with an Iraqi

Eventually my list was full
So I made a decision
Now that I’ve slept with every race
I guess I’ll bone religion

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739957 An Open Letter to Mama Celeste Thu, 06 Sep 2007 16:32:16 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739957 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Mama Celeste,

Let me start off by saying that your pizza is excellent. It is truly the king of the hill when I’m looking for a near-perfect meal that doesn’t require me cooking or waiting too long for it to be done. Some may argue that Hot Pockets are better, but don’t let that get to you. While I enjoy a “two minute miracle” as much as the next guy, when it comes to frozen entrees, I don’t think anyone can hold a candle to your authentic Italian cuisine.

But I do have a concern that I was hoping you could address. There’s no doubt that your pizza is incredibly delicious; the problem is, it just might be...too delicious. For the past seven years, I have been burning the roof of my mouth because I can’t help but eat the pizza as soon as it comes out of the microwave - without fail, every single time, for SEVEN years. At first, I thought it might be MY fault...I mean, shouldn’t I have learned my lesson from the last fifty times I did the same exact thing?

After thinking about it for a while though, I realized that it is physically impossible to wait until a Mama Celeste pizza cools before trying to eat it. I don’t know if it’s the tangy sauce, the gooey cheese, or the delectable crust – maybe even a combination of all three – but your product is simply too damn good for any human to resist eating.

So if you could...just make it a TINY bit less scrumptious. I can’t handle the pain anymore.

Yours,

Kev Kage

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739380 The Other Two Week Window Mon, 27 Aug 2007 17:10:23 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1739380 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A few months ago, College Humor Superstar Jeff Rosenberg wrote an article (collegehumor.com/article:1729208) about the Two Week Window - the time you have between meeting a girl and sealing the deal, before you end up with life in the "Friend Zone" and no parole.

But in honor of CH’s Orientation Week, it's important to remember the OTHER
Two Week Window. This one...well, it's like Christmas, really. It’s the best chance you’ll have all year at tagging freshmen hotties before they’re tainted by people not as cool as you. Yes my friends, it’s the Freshman Two Week Window - and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the process, please allow me to explain.

In the beginning of each and every Fall Semester, freshmen girls flock to colleges and universities across the country with one goal – to party their smoking hot eighteen-year-old asses off. Now, while people like me may consider sitting alone in a room pounding a six of Natty while watching Death to Smoochy a party, most freshmen females don’t share that mentality. No, to truly party, you have to know and hang out with other people. And this is where the FTWW kicks in to full gear.

For the first two weeks of school, freshmen girls will leave the doors to their rooms wide open – an invitation to anyone who wants to walk in and “make some new friends”. In a nutshell, it’s the only time you’ll have all year to just randomly walk into a chick’s room and not look weird or out of place. On any given night, you can check out between 35-40 girls who all actually WANT you to be there!

But the FTWW is a fleeting thing – after two weeks, the girls have already made most of their friends, and the doors slam shut. That’s why it’s wise to make your mark early, before some meathead gets to them first and carries them off to the realm of unattainability. Here’s a few pointers to make sure you get the most out of the event:

Start on the Middle Floors
Most guys are not going to want to waste any time, and they’ll jump right into the first room they see. Other guys try to offset that by starting on the top floor and working their way down. By starting on the middle floors, you increase your chances of being the first one into the territory.

Don’t Commit Too Soon
If the chicks in the first room you go to are digging your shit, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ABORT THE REST OF THE MISSION!! Chances are, you aren’t reading the girl properly, and the last thing you want is to be stuck in her room watching Next Top Model on opposite couches while your friends are tearing it up on the other side of the floor. No matter how interested in you a girl seems, keep moving until the two weeks are up.

Bring Booze
It doesn’t matter if you’ve got alcohol in your room…they’re not going to leave. If you come bearing gifts of Smirnoff Ices and a bottle of something, you have fulfilled their wishes of having the party come to them.

Look for a Militant Roommate
Lots of girls hate their roommates, and that works out in your favor. Chicks are naturally catty and evil, so instead of ignoring their housemates, they will go out of their way to make that person miserable. Finding a chick with a militant roommate is a gold mine, because the good looking chicks will want to act extra slutty in front of them.

Remember That Two Weeks Doesn’t Last Forever
The farther along in the FTWW you are, the harder it gets. Strike early and strike hard. Go into this time period with a game plan. Be aware of your surroundings - if some other guys come in to a room and are outshining you for whatever reason, leave. I can’t stress that enough. Accept the fact that you’re going to fall in love on five different occasions – wasting too much time on one girl is the kiss of death.

So go forth, young men. Be the first to show these young ladies a good time. This is your season. You’ve earned it. Now go get ‘em.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738739 Things That Ruled When I was Five That Still Rule Now Fri, 17 Aug 2007 11:43:18 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738739 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> As we grow from kids into adults, we start to lose interest in a lot of the things we treasured as a child. But there are some things that are timeless – things that will always be awesome, no matter how old we get. The following is a list of some of my favorites.

Hotel Pools
No matter where I’m going, for whatever reason, my first question upon booking a hotel room is whether or not they have a pool. I don’t know what it is about swimming indoors that gets me so pumped, but a pool at my hotel provides me with just as much enjoyment as it did when I was eight. I may have lost the swimmies, the goggles, and I might not pee in the water (as much), but a hotel pool is always #1 in my book.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 37 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738028 A Surprise Visit Wed, 08 Aug 2007 10:56:36 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738028 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Diary,

Today is a wonderful day here in the hospital. Everyone is talking about a Surprise Visit from someone famous. I wonder who it could be? Maybe it’s Brad Pitt! Or Justin Timberlake! He is so cute, maybe he will like me even though I’m sick. I love his songs!! Whoever this person will be, I am very excited to meet them. The nurses and other kids are all so happy, I feel like I could even get better and be healthy again! I will write you as soon as this magical day is over!

Your pal,
Emily

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

I’m so cold. The famous person turned out to be Paris Hilton. At first, I was excited, but then I realized Justin Timberlake wasn’t coming. I asked Paris for an autograph, and she said her hand hurt, and that I should be happy that I even got to see her. She giggled and said that she wished I had beautiful hair like hers (her words) and that it must be hard living with my ugly bald head from the treatment. She asked if she could take a picture of me to show her friends because I looked so silly in my hospital gown (again, her words) and before I could say how that would make me sad she had already taken it.

I know I told you before that I thought I would get better, but now all that is left is the scent of whore and the icy chill of death, lingering in the air. I don’t know if I can go on anym

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1738028">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737519 Review: The Simpsons Movie (Official Donut) Wed, 01 Aug 2007 10:17:32 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737519 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> **WARNING - THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT THE SIMPSONS MOVIE OFFICIAL DONUT!  PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW THE DONUT ENDS!**

OK, so I know I'm a little late on this, but this summer's been incredibly busy.  After a long day of moving heavy items up six flights of stairs, I decided to stop by the local 7-11 to finally pick up that Official Simpsons Movie Donut I've been eyeballing.  It's one thing to like the Simpsons enough to go out of your way to buy an otherwise ordinary donut, but this wasn't about that.  On the movie trailer, when the logo is shown at the end, a bite is taken out of the donut and some sort of purple-ish goo drips out.  Go ahead, watch the trailer so you know what I'm talking about.

...

See it?  It's a very rare thing when a donut with a hole in the middle ALSO has some kind of filling.  Truly this "Official Donut" was something worth getting excited over.  While I'm not exactly a fan of purple goo (if I had to rank, I'd say green goo, cream goo, possibly red goo coming in third), if it was inside a donut, then damn it, I was going to eat it.

 


I must admit, the thing looked awesome.  The pink was really bright, the sprinkles were satisfactorily distributed...all signs pointed to this being one of the best moments I would ever experience in my life.



I put on my favorite BustedTee and posed for a shot with my little treasure.  But don't let my smile fool you...something was...wrong.  As I lifted the donut, I couldn't help but notice that it felt a little light.  It felt like something was...missing.



I curiously took a bite of it.  The anticipation coursed through my veins.  My adrenaline was pumping.  Was I going to be disappointed?



I chewed...and...

God...DAMN...it...

WHERE IS THE GOO?!



LOOK AT THAT!!  Not one drop of purple goo.  Still not willing to accept that the Simpsons had lied to me, I took another bite.  Maybe I just got a crappy one, and the goo was all pushed to one side or something.  That was definitely what happened.  Because there's no way that the official logo's donut has goo and the official donut does not.



Ah, fuck this.



This picture does not even come close to capturing my disgust.  In case you didn't go back and take a look at the trailer, here's a picture of the donut in the logo.  I'll let you be the judge.



I mean...it's AS CLEAR AS DAY.  PURPLE...FREAKING...GOO.  Look, it's even squirting out.  The logo donut is BURSTING with so much purple goo it's literally SPLASHING OUT OF THE DONUT.  Now how, pray tell, can you make an OFFICIAL REAL DONUT that is not the same as the OFFICIAL LOGO DONUT?!



I can't even look at you, donut.  Turn your bullshit non goo filled center away from me.  You are nothing more than an "official" piece of crap.  The Simpsons have been disappointing me on and off for a very long time, but this...THIS... I may never be able to recover from.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with "1" being the worst and "10" being the best, I give the Simpsons Official Movie Donut a "Go Fuck Yourself".  All the money that was spent on marketing this movie...yet they couldn't spring the extra bucks for purple goo and make an accurate donut?  Shame on you 7-11.  Shame on you Matt Groening.  And shame on me for being fooled into eating this 89 cent piece of garbage.

If anyone else out there feels they have been mislead by the renegade tactics of the Donut, please contact me, as I am putting together a class action lawsuit.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736866 Three Short Poems Tue, 24 Jul 2007 10:52:07 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1736866 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Realization: A Limerick
One day in McDonald’s I sat
When I got really mad that I’m fat
To stop my self-loathing
I bought some new clothing
Two sizes two big, and that’s that

Beer: A Haiku
I was a drinker
Then I stopped for health reasons
My friends like me less

Enchantment
I love the sound that magic makes
Men fly on brooms, and over lakes
Then wizards fight off evil lords
Just using spirits, never swords
Wait, I lied, I meant to say
That liking Potter's really gay.

Submit your hilarious poems to The Poetry Corner! Write one, post it as an article, and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com.
Check out past poems here.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735584 Town Mourns Loss of Two Teenage Girls, But Mostly the Hot One Fri, 06 Jul 2007 11:33:48 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735584 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Friends, we are gathered here tonight to celebrate
the lives of two dear members of our community, Roxy Champlain and Ingrid Herrtzgeiger.  Words cannot express how deeply saddened we are by the loss of these two young women.

It’s true what they say- that an incident like this makes us all stop for a second and wonder about life.  We all have questions, questions without answers.  Why did God have to take such a young, beautiful, and popular girl away from us so soon?

And Ingrid, isn’t it sad about her too? She was amazing at math and science. She was truly gifted at the French horn, or the sax, same thing. A truly beautiful and amazing person, perfect really. Sorry, I started talking about Roxy again.

It’s tragic to see these lives cut so drastically short, but all of you being here is a testament to their legacy.  Roxy's cheerleading team, her co-leaders of the student government, her neighbors, boys that used to like her, they’re all here. So are some other people.

So tonight, let’s bow our heads in a moment of silence for Roxy. And let's take this time to reflect on the impact she had on each and every one of our lives. And let's take a second to think about Ingrid too. We love you, Rox- Rest in peace.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 20 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735374 Eight Years of College = Halfway Done? Mon, 02 Jul 2007 15:11:05 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735374 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> My friend Jim (www.collegehumor.com/user:752178) is finally getting his Associate's Degree after attending Community College on and off for the past eight and a half years.  In a tribute to him, I've decided to list a bunch of other things a person could do in the time it took him to get his two year-degree:



  • Get a Bachelor's Degree, get another Bachelor's Degree, begin work on third Bachelor's Degree.
  • Attend four years of high school, four years of college, and start a career
  • Celebrate your tenth birthday through your seventeenth birthday

  • Grow from a first grader into an eighth grader
  • Get drafted for a professional sports team out of college and play for eight seasons

  • Not be old enough to see a movie rated PG-13 and then be old enough to see a movie rated R
  • Go from liking Nickelodeon to MTV to VH1
  • Write a paper on the night George W. Bush gives the State of the Union address - for eight straight years

  • Have a Geocities page, a Xanga page, a Facebook page, and a MySpace page
  • Give a speech at your middle school graduation and at your high school graduation.
  • Have your first drink, your first girlfriend, your first sexual experience, and your first child

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734320 An Interview with "She" of "That's What She Said" Fame Tue, 19 Jun 2007 15:35:14 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1734320 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Kev Kage: OK, so, first off...should I call you She?

She: That’s a little short, but it’ll do.

KK: Great. It’s no secret that you’re pretty well-known amongst the CollegeHumor commenters. How would you gauge your popularity?

She: I can’t believe how much it’s grown!

KK: It really is incredible, isn’t it? People seem to take notice of everything you say, even if it’s an arbitrary comment. For example, someone mentioned that you said, “I love roosters.”

She: That’s not exactly what came out of my mouth.

KK: Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t read my notes. My handwriting is atrocious.

She: Don’t worry, there’s better things you can do with your hands.

KK: How right you are! I heard that you broke the world record for “Time Spent on the Tea Cup Ride”, and that your Dad was your coach. What kind of advice did he give to you?

She: He just told me to sit on it and spin.

KK: Tremendous words of wisdom. Speaking of which, do you have anything to say to the people who have been thinking about making the SATs more difficult?

She: The harder the better, I always say.
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 263 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733649 Summer Checklist - Things to Do Tue, 12 Jun 2007 14:43:53 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733649 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> With classes a distant memory and with warm weather upon us, it’s easy to get tricked into thinking the summer lasts forever.  And trust me, you don’t want to be one of those people who stumbles into September wondering where all the time went.  So to make sure you get the most out of your season and feel completely fulfilled when the Fall semester rolls around, I’ve compiled a checklist of things to do this summer to guarantee you an amazing time.

Hook Up with A Friend’s Girlfriend
You may think that I’m specifically targeting the fellas here, but I think this sentiment rings true whether you’re a guy OR a girl.  First I’ll speak to the guys.  Let’s face it: you‘ve known your friend’s girlfriend for a while and you never really thought she was anything special - until she started dating your friend.  All of a sudden she seems 100% hotter – is it because she’s doing something different?  Of course not – all she did was move herself from the “just a girl” category into the “off-limits” category.  Of course it doesn’t hurt when you’re all hanging out on the beach and you see her in a bikini, realizing for the first time how big her boobs actually are.  The smart thing to do here is to make a move.  Hooking up with a friend’s girlfriend is a great way to feel like a kid again and start up some old fashioned controversy.  Your friend will probably get over it and you’ll have the fun of knowing that you did something dirty.  It’s a situation where really everyone wins.

And for the ladies, there’s nothing better for a guy than seeing one of his “girl friends” make out with his girlfriend.  Chances are he’s wanted to hook up with you at some point (if he hasn’t already), so he’ll be able to live vicariously through his girlfriend and have something new to beat off to later.  On this note, girls, if you’re dating a guy who for some reason DOES NOT approve of you making out with other chicks, dump him immediately...because he sucks.

Go Mini-Golfing
Mini-golfing is pretty kick ass, no matter what anyone says.  No summer is complete without it.  Up the ante by having the player with the worst score buy everyone ice cream!

Experiment with Unfamiliar Narcotics
I won’t recommend “cheese heroin” or anything hardcore like that, but summer is an ideal time to experiment with a new recreational mind-altering substance.  There’s no need to become a junkie, but get a group of friends and eat a packet of morning glory seeds or something and let the good times roll.  More likely than not, you’ll end up with a great story of how Tommy tried to eat a skateboard or how Jill peed herself in Taco Bell.  While the intense fear and delusion that accompany these kinds of drugs may last for what feels like an eternity, the memories of your crazy high stories are what truly lasts a lifetime.

Get a Sno-Cone
These delectable delicacies are fantastic any time of year, but I simply can’t imagine a better feeling than chomping on a freezing cold Sno-cone on a scorching hot day.

Commit a Hate Crime
Is it just me, or does summer feel like the best time to incite riots and commit random acts of violence?  Maybe it’s the sun shining or maybe it’s the humidity, but for whatever reason, each and every year that summer rolls along I feel compelled to attack someone based purely on their race or religion.  With all the war and genocide that’s taking place on a global scale, it’s important not to lose that sense of independence and nationalism right here in your town.  By committing a hate crime in your own backyard, you’re really celebrating how proud you are to be an American, and your victim is sure to agree.  It’s like the Fourth of July without the barbecue!

Have a Water Balloon Fight
What’s a better summer activity than a good, old fashioned water balloon fight?  Is there a certain someone you’ve got a crush on, but are afraid to say it to?  Find out if they’re into you too by hurling a water balloon at them.  If they get wet, they like you too!

So here’s to summer and all the fun that comes along with it.  Hope you all are having a great one so far!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731196 The Top Six Carnival Rides Thu, 17 May 2007 11:46:09 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731196 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Holy Lord do I love carnivals.  Few things in life get me more excited than the fairs that fill up churches, parking lots, and other available spaces over the course of the summer.  Some people (for some strange reason) actually DISLIKE these carnivals...and to these people I say, “I hate you.”

Maybe it’s the awesome Cat Sticks (AKA shish-kabob’s).  Maybe it’s the Fried Twinkies and Oreos.  Maybe it’s the impossible games with the bootleg prizes, like Shrock the green ogre, or Meemo the orange fish.  Maybe it’s the junkies roaming the fairgrounds, or even better, controlling the rides.  I love it.  I love every single possible thing about it.  And here, in honor of the start of Carnival Season, I give to you my Top Six Carnival Rides of All-Time.  Grab your overpriced tickets and wristbands and prepare yourself for excitement – and most likely danger!

NOTE: Some of these rides have different names in different parts of the country, but I’m calling them by the names I know and love them by.


#6 - Berry-Go-Round
The Berry-Go-Round is more than just a clever play on words.  It is, in my opinion, the ultimate “spin” ride.  Some may argue that the Tea Cups are better – I disagree, solely on the grounds that they are not called the Berry-Go-Round.  You sit in a giant strawberry, and spin the hell out of a metal circle in the middle of the ride, causing the berry to twirl.  A word to the wise – this is NOT a good ride to go on drunk, and it is an especially bad idea to stop spinning the wheel in the center mid-ride, and start spinning it in the opposite direction.  I’ve been sicker on this than on any other ride I’ve ever be on, and for that, the Berry-Go-Round earns a special place in my heart.  Right next to Pogs.


#5 - Sizzler
Some call it The Scrambler, some call it The Mixer...but all call it Awesome.  In the “oldie but goodie” category, The Sizzler can always be counted on for a short line and a scare.  Each time your cart flies forward, you wonder if it’s going to break off of the ride and crash into a tree or the pony rides.  Equal parts fun and fear, The Sizzler is a classic that no proper carnival should be without.


#4 - Pharaoh's Fury
Don’t confuse this display of greatness with the Space Shuttle – both are similar “boat” rides, but the Pharaoh does NOT go upside down.  How does that make it more cool than the rides that DO?  You don’t have a 75 pound shoulder harness crushing the shit out of your chest.  Upside down doesn’t always equal better, folks.  Known in some parts as the Pirate Ship, the Pharaoh’s Fury reigns supreme because A) It has a huge Pharaoh head on each side of the boat (well, sometimes...the more cracked out ride constructors sometimes get lazy and do no attach this piece) and B) It has the word “Fury” in the title, which automatically earns the ride adjectives like “sinister” and “bad ASS”.  As a bonus, men who go on this ride will enjoy the feeling they get in their groin when sitting in the back row while the Pharaoh reaches its peak.


#3 - Crazy Mouse
Scoring an eight out of ten in the “fun” factor and a nine out of ten in the “scared for real” factor, The Crazy Mouse is hard to beat.  It’s a cross between the Tea Cups and a crappy rollercoaster, but somehow when they combine The Mouse becomes five times as great as either of those two.  Each time your cup makes a sharp turn around the unusually tiny track, you wonder if you’re going to detach from the rails and be flung to your doom.  Add the fact that the track looks like a slight breeze could knock the entire thing over, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a ride.  It’s usually only found at bigger events, like State Fairs, so it loses a point for not being as accessible as the others – but one ride on this incredibly awesome and possibly fatal monster and you’ll agree – The Mouse is CUH-RAAAAAZEE.

#2 - Flying Bobs
You can have your Himalayas, Alpine Bobs, or Musik Express...but the Flying Bobs are the ruler of this roost.  Right up there with apple pie, baseball, and funneling beers, the Bobs are what Americana is all about.  A staple ride at almost every carnival from sea to shining sea, this contraption always seems to inexplicably have an announcer and/or DJ seeing over the festivities.  The Flying Bobs have been a crowd pleaser for a long, long time – a place where kids can listen to looped Top 40 hits and decide whether the danger presented by falling out of this ride is worth the excitement.  Whether it’s going the traditional “forwards”, or the ever popular “backwards” mixed in (don’t you hate when they gyp you of backwards because of a long line?) you can be sure that the Bobs is there to rock your socks off.

#1 - Zipper
Truly the most metal of all the amusements – the Zipper is King of Kings amongst carnival rides.  No matter where you are, in any state, in any town, the Zipper ALWAYS guarantees you the following three things:

1) The most insane, scary, drunk and high ride operator in the entire fair

2) The largest line, consisting of more middle schoolers smoking cigarettes per capita than anywhere else in the nation

3) The ONLY ride that gives you both a 10 in Fun and a 10 in Likelihood of a Fatal Accident.

The Zipper rules all that comes before it – a 48 foot tall beast, where the only thing preventing you from meeting an untimely demise is a two inch long pin, that’s half an inch in diameter.  The ultimate deathtrap, the Zipper rewards those brave enough to look past the squeaking, creaking, and falling of integral pieces with an incredibly intense riding experience that changes every time you go on.  What’s that clicking noise?  No time to think about it – you’re being hurled head first toward the pavement.  Is that a screw that just hit me?  Doesn’t matter, because we’re going BACKWARDS, baby.

The Zipper has claimed several lives and has been the cause of many injuries when people fell out of the car.  It is worth noting, however, that in the past thirty years, Zipper technology has vastly improved...

But are YOU ready to take the chance?


Honorable Mentions - Super Slide, Casino, Round-Up

There’s simply too many good rides to narrow them down to just six.  So here’s a shoutout to those rides that are great but just didn’t make the cut.


The Super Slide - well, there’s not many things better than riding a potato sack down a piece of metal with nothing to prevent you from flying off the side if you hit a bump the wrong way.  The Casino doesn’t do much but it gets a nod here for nostalgia purposes – plus I’m pretty sure it’s the ride that the kids in Sandlot threw up on, which makes it even better.  And the Round-Up...well, it speaks for itself.  A true legend, even it does make you dizzy and nauseous.

And so concludes my list of the Six Greatest Carnival Rides.  I hope you do the right thing this summer and go to as many fairs as you can.  Have a Fried Oreo for me...but don’t have more than three.  Those will kill you faster than any of these rides will.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730516 The Real World - What to Expect Fri, 11 May 2007 12:24:49 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730516 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It’s that time of year again, where many students are harshly thrown from the comfort of their off-campus housing, back to the towns and cities from whence they came.  Young men and women across the nation become nervous as they head towards the inevitable next step: The Real World.

But fear not, former undergrads.  The Real World is not as scary as your parents would have you believe.  While you may find yourself with a new “job”, chances are, you won’t actually be doing any “work”.  As a matter of fact, I’m willing to bet that most of you had a harder time making Blizzards at your part-time job in high school then you will have with your new career.

Let me give you an example of what you can expect in a typical work day:

9:17 AM – Arrive at work late.  Think about the fact that no one notices or cares that you’re never on time. Look over the walls of your cube and ask if anyone wants to go get coffee or a bagel.  Another co-worker who is also hungover will accompany you.

9:35 AM – Return to your desk with coffee and bagel.  See if anyone left you a voicemail.  Start scrolling through your bookmarked web sites: CNN, ESPN, Gmail, Facebook, CollegeHumor.  Debate whether or not you should finally make a MySpace page.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 39 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730002 If Songs Could Fight: Throw Some D’s VS. Livin’ on a Prayer Mon, 07 May 2007 15:13:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730002 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The stage was set: for weeks, these two songs blared on jukeboxes at bars and clubs across the nation.  Each claimed dominance of the scene, but there could only be one winner.

Livin’ on a Prayer entered the ring first, alone.  Wearing a cowboy hat and boots, Livin’ took a moment to reassure his fans who questioned the battle by grabbing the mic, saying, “You live for the fight when that’s all that you got.”

The lights dimmed and Throw Some D’s came to the ring.  Accompanied to the ring by This is Why I’m Hot and Glamorous, Throw taunted the older Livin’.  “Don’t you see the big chain, don’t you see the big rims?”  It was clearly Throw’s battle to lose.

The bell rang and the two squared off.  Throw came out swinging and landed a few good shots on Livin’s jaw.  Livin’ didn’t seem phased, however – upon closer inspection it was revealed that he was drunk on Bud Lights and now seemingly impervious to pain.  Throw continued the onslaught but Livin’ just absorbed the beating.

Eventually Throw became frustrated.  He was giving Livin’ everything he had but could not take him down.  Thinking quickly, Throw grabbed the referee and asked for a time-out.  With the ref distracted, Glamorous seized the opportunity and ran into the ring.  She grabbed one of Throw’s rims and was about to hit Livin’ with it when he pleaded, “Take my hand.  We’ll make it...I swear.”  Glamorous stopped for a moment, off-put by Livin’s sincerity.  She dropped the rim and helped Livin’ to his feet.

By that point, Throw had finished with the referee and saw Glamorous with Livin’.  He couldn’t believe she had turned on him!  With a new sense of determination, Throw shouted “Yeah, this is for my dogs!  Yeah gangsters, hustlers, wanksters, busters!”  He charged at Livin’ and Glamorous who both stepped out the way.  Throw charged right out of the ring and onto the floor below.

This is Why I’m Hot ran to the other side to check on Throw.  But as he was running, Sweet Home Alabama jumped from out of the crowd and caught him with a dropkick.  Livin’ jumped out to tackle the fallen Throw, and an all out brawl ensued.  Despite the sneak attack, This and Throw soon regained the upper hand.  They pounded Livin’ and Sweet, hitting them with a barrage of suplexes and piledrivers.  Thinking fast, This tossed Throw two tables.  They placed Livin’ and Sweet on top of them, and did double flips to slam their adversaries through.  The ref counted one, two, three, and Throw Some D’s was declared the winner.

Glamorous tended to the fallen Livin’ and Sweet, but it mattered not to Throw.  He was seen picking up Hollaback Girl on the way out.

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728945 Theater Majors are the Worst People Ever Fri, 27 Apr 2007 12:13:23 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728945 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Come on.  I know you agree.  I just have to get this out of my system.  But before I do, let me take this opportunity to say that I mean no disrespect to the five theater kids out there reading this who are actually cool.

And it makes me cringe to write that.  You know why?  Every horrible theater kid who read that thinks that he or she is one of those five.  Ugh.

Maybe I should back up for a second.  Maybe some of you out there don’t have a theater major in your school, or maybe some of you know some theater kids who you think “aren’t that bad.”  Please allow me this opportunity to not only disagree with you, but to prove to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that these kids are truly the worst people ever.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 57 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728394 Expressions I Never Understood Mon, 23 Apr 2007 12:55:01 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728394 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> They say that English is one of the hardest languages to learn, because of all the expressions we use.  But most of them make some sort of sense to me - like, “You’ve got as much chance as a one legged man in ass kicking contest” or “This sh*t is bananas!”  Yet there are some expressions that even I, one who is fluent in English, do not quite understand.  Let’s take a look at some of the more popular ones.

“I’ve Got to Piss Like a Racehorse”
My grandpa used to spend a lot of time at the track, and most of his stories that involved peeing either involved him accidentally urinating on himself or
purposely on others.  But he never spoke of the horses peeing.  I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a horse pee, and I think it may in fact be a myth, not unlike girls pooping (which we talked about in a previous comment thread).  Even if racehorses do pee a lot, out of all the things in the world to compare peeing to, why did we as a nation pick that?

Replacement Suggestions:
-I’ve got to piss like a guy who’s been drinking all night and hasn’t pissed yet.
-I’ve got to piss like Garth when he was at the Gasworks in Wayne’s World 1.

Maybe try one of those suggestions out this weekend, and see what sticks.

“It’s Hot as Balls (in Here)”
Again, I take issue with the fact that there are many things that can be hot...why do we use balls as the comparison point?  It’s not that I’m saying balls can’t be
hot...trust me...last night it was so fucking hot in my room, those bad boys were hanging down to my knees, sopping wet and begging for a breeze.  But balls can also be cold, too.  And most of the time, my balls are pretty temperate.

Replacement Suggestions:
-It’s hot as Cindy Margolis circa 1999 in here.
-It’s hot as a rhino’s asshole, provided that the rhino we’re talking about lives in a really hot African jungle or some place like that.

“I’m so Hungry I Could Eat Your Mom’s Vagina Out”
I just don’t think it’s necessary to include the “your mom” part here.  You can literally eat out any vagina and have the same effect. 
Furthermore, you don’t really need to be hungry for this to happen – especially if the mom in question is a slut.  Is she?  ‘Cause, if she is...ya know…I kinda dig older chicks...she’d probably love me...

Replacement Suggestions:
-I’m so hungry I could eat the signature burger from every fast food chain in America...twice.
-I’m so hungry I could eat a fat guy.

I think that about wraps it up for me...but how about you?  Are there any expressions that YOU don't understand?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.cf54b46b2f97049222ea03d9cd14a553.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:563001">Kev Kage</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />